To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

The only way I was able to move in to a well paid and professional role after 7 years as a sahm was because of the professional qualifications I had secured before my years as a sahm and the impressive employment history

I didn’t say it was sad to be a SAHM. I was one myself for a short time when the kids were young and childcare wasn’t an option. I said bringing kids up to strive towards ‘the traditional family unit’ ie finding a man and doing all his housework and child rearing for him while he works is sad. Children shouldn’t be ‘brought up’ to aspire to finding a husband to look after them.

Staying home isn't for everyone, but it's certainly not "sad" if someone is happy doing so. It's easy enough to understand that people are different, made happy by different things.

@flutterbybabycakes so actually you do work and your comments don’t reflect someone who doesn’t at all. WFH is working. Working part time is working. Working for yourself is working 🤷🏻‍♀️

I totally get it. I was a sahm for 7 years then worked part time for several years. I would say work is more to me than a money generator. It’s mentally stimulating, rewarding and social. The extra money makes a big difference even though DH is the main earner.
I work term time and I find that now my youngest is 18, I miss the daily chats and stimulation from work when I’m off for 6 weeks in the summer and they don’t need me to mother them. How about finding something that interests you , part time ?

What about something like child minding? If looking after children is what you like doing and can do in your own home.

Has anyone said they are trying to actively encourage their child down the route of becoming a sahm?

@flutterbybabycakes

This is the problem, the idea that existing in a traditional family unit is luck. It's not, some of us were brought up to work towards this because it works so well.

You're either a time traveller from a bygone era or you're married to Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Of course I can articulate why. Because girls shouldn’t be brought up to think they need to strive to find a man to care for them. And boys shouldn’t be brought up to think they need to find a woman to do their cooking and cleaning. All kids should be brought up to be able to be capable and independent adults - under their own steam, not left with nothing if the man of the house leaves.

If it works for you that’s fantastic - the idea that kids should be brought up to strive for it is sad and outdated. It implies that’s the best the girls will get, finding a man who’ll work. And then you say it would be ‘cruel’ to involve him in housework as if he’d be utterly bereft to mop a kitchen.

I think you've framed it in a certain way.

Bringing a child up to pursue a healthy and stable relationship and family unit is a good thing. It prevents what most of MN threads are about which is finding out you are incompatible in marriage because you pissed into the wind when settling down.

And once again, being a SAHM does not preclude personal development nor income. It only precludes paid employment, which personally and after doing it for 20 years, I find restrictive and much favour the freedom to pursue passive income and creative endeavours.

This isn't the 1950s, and homemaking or whatever you wish to call it is a far more varied undertaking these days.

@Ohthatsexciting

I was responding to a post where to poster said it ‘wasn’t luck’ they’d ended up a SAHM, but that some people had been ‘brought up to work towards it because it works to well.’ That same poster is super excited to post a lot about how they’ve found a man who wants a housewife and how it would be cruel and inefficient to involve this man in housework.

And what about your pension? I have a few ‘housewife’ friends and as they’re not making NI contributions they won’t even get the full state pension. They don’t seem bothered.

Bringing a child up to pursue a healthy and stable relationship and family unit is a good thing. It prevents what most of MN threads are about which is finding out you are incompatible in marriage because you pissed into the wind when settling down.

Of course it’s a good thing to encourage your kids to pursue healthy and stable relationships. It isn’t a good thing to bring them up expecting a ‘traditional family setup’ ie finding a man who’ll look after you and doing all his drudge work forever. You’re kind of changing what you said now and acting like you were talking about bringing up kids to respect spouses etc.

If you want a ‘Well paid Professional’ job then yes you need the qualifications for that role regardless of being a SAHM or not. However there’s plenty of rewarding but not ‘well paid professional’ jobs out there too. Especially if you have a specific area of interest, mine is museums & heritage, so I manage to get a job in the museum sector.

Thank you for answering, and I can't argue with your opinion. Mine though is that it's sad to bring people up to believe that a stable family unit is oppressive, and selling your labour until you can fall back exhausted into retirement is not.

“That same poster is super excited to post a lot about how they’ve found a man who wants a housewife and how it would be cruel and inefficient to involve this man in housework.”

yep @flutterbybabycakes
you have said all those things

cruel - lol

I actually couldn’t be attracted to a man who wants a house wife

After more than 18 years out the workplace and no experience?

Thank you for answering, and I can't argue with your opinion. Mine though is that it's sad to bring people up to believe that a stable family unit is oppressive, and selling your labour until you can fall back exhausted into retirement is not.

No, I suppose our opinions aren’t going to meet I’m afraid! I don’t see work the way you do - and I don’t see a ‘stable family unit’ as oppressive. However, I also don’t see it necessarily as mum staying home as housewife and dad working 70 hours per week. My kids have a stable family unit with both parents working and I wouldn’t say it’s oppressive in the slightest. What’s oppressive to me is being dependent on someone else for your bread and butter. I know you say you ‘know’ your husband would never leave you but if people knew their husband would leave them no marriage would ever break up because nobody would marry a husband who’d leave! They’d all marry the good ones.

But I am glad you’re happy as a housewife/SAHM though. It takes all sorts. It’s not for me but it obviously works for your family at the moment. I still wouldn’t bring kids up to strive for it mind you but I think when you find what works for you it feels great.

I'm not trying to be disingenuous or change what I said. It is about respecting your spouse, yourself, and your family. I said and stand by that financial maintenance of the family and domestic maintenance of the family are equally necessary tasks which take planning and commitment, and that focusing on one alone instead of both and trying to balance both is more efficient and less stressful - this is the crux of my point throughout.

Why is keeping the home tidy and making food "his" drudge work?

Why is a traditional family set up sad?

@flutterbybabycakes

Again, I didn’t say being a housewife or SAHM is sad. I said bringing girls up to strive for a life as a facilitator to a man’s career is sad. You call it traditional but I call it outdated. It implies that girls and women exist to facilitate men and boys and have no potential of their own. It also doesn’t take into account the position a woman is left in if/when the ‘provider’ ups and leaves. As I’ve said although you think it would never happen I feel that’s naive. I’d always rather know I could stand on my own two feet. That’s why I think it’s sad.

I've worked full time when I've had kids,part time and been a sahm. 100% prefer being a sahm. The stress of working whilst having DC is virtually intolerable for me. Once children exist, someone needs to be at home... doesn't have to be the woman necessarily but even with older school age children, there is so much to do at home. I think it's absolutely awful that both parents have to work nowadays. It's just awful for people's mental health

No of course they aren't but I do like to discuss it, I may learn something.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. You're right that many marriages break down but I do believe this is in huge part due to the fact that we don't bring our children up to actively seek a partner who wants the same things. that can work both ways; you suddenly want to be a SAHM but your husband won't facilitate it = misery.

You suddenly want to go back to work but your husband wants a SAHM = misery.

it's about finding someone who aligns with you. Most of us like to pair up and I think pairing with the right person should be paramount, not left to chance.

It doesn't have to be a SAHM, it can be dad, but I think we all realise that women are best suited to it given our biology and then once we've done the very early nurturing why not continue? Why? Because it's regressive? As I've said before I'm okay to regress to something that works so well.

Maybe my child will want to be employed full-time until age 75, and I will support her in that choice. But I won't present it as the intrinsically better option because it simply isn't, on the contrary it's one that most of us freely admit is a living hell for the most part.

On a thread like this everyone suddenly pretends that work is blissful and that relying on constantly selling our labour to work for rich corporations (for example) is how they want to spend their time. It's a transparent façade.

@flutterbybabycakes

”It doesn't have to be a SAHM, it can be dad, but I think we all realise that women are best suited to it given our biology and then once we've done the very early nurturing why not continue? Why? Because it's regressive? As I've said before I'm okay to regress to something that works so well.”

this is utter bull shit

OP doesn’t say she’s never worked before and has no work experience, it’s more about the gap in your CV. Most SAHMs have some working experience of something and skills are very transferable. I worked as a PA many, many moons ago and then spent the last 8 years before I became a SAHM as Cabin Crew for BA, so not directly linked to museum/heritage work. But that’s what I fancied doing and sometimes your enthusiasm is rewarded. If you give up before you even start applying then of course you won’t get anywhere. The employment market is good at the moment and sometimes an older candidate, that will be responsible and reliable is a bonus over clueless inexperienced youngsters.