Page 19 | To not want to work.

kahase72 · 2022-07-03T00:06:33+00:00

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

ancientgran · 03/07/2022 15:13

Ponderingwindow · 03/07/2022 15:05

With children nearing adulthood, I estimated the op much older than 43, with many fewer years left until retirement.

The only clues we have are she has 3 children, the youngest is 15, she's not worked in 18 years. I can't see any particular reason to assume she's older than 43. She could have been anything between 16 and 40 something when the eldest was born, the age gap between the 3 could be one year, if the first 2 were twins or 20 odd years. We don't know.

RJnomore1 · 03/07/2022 15:14

I do wonder how people manage to make so little full so much time sometimes.

Rensterdenster01 · 03/07/2022 15:14

sst1234 · 03/07/2022 15:03

What happened to OP?

Journalist? Look out for an article in a newspaper soon about SAHM v working mums! 😂

flutterbybabycakes · 03/07/2022 15:15

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/07/2022 14:40

@flutterbybabycakes

also I am very realistic about the fact that no relationship or marriage is a dead cert.

I never, ever want to rely on someone 100% - I’ve seen it go to shit for so many women.

So yeah that’s another negative to me about the situation you describe - that level of vulnerability and dependency on a man is a big negative for me

This is why you actively find a man who wants the same thing and agree before you get married.

Also, you can be a SAHM and keep your skills sharp, in fact being a SAHM is highly conducive to this given all the free time.

If my husband died (because there is not a cat in hell's chance he would just walk out on us) I could bring in good money the very next day because I've levelled up since being a SAHM because I had the time and freedom to do so.

Anothernamechangeplease · 03/07/2022 15:19

flutterbybabycakes · 03/07/2022 15:11

This is the problem, the idea that existing in a traditional family unit is luck. It's not, some of us were brought up to work towards this because it works so well. That doesn't mean you think about dish tablets all day. It just means you find a partner who wants the same thing and both enjoy those roles.

Show quote history

Goodness, how depressing. The idea of young girls being brought up to work towards being a SAHP as if that's the very best that they can aspire to!

I understand that some women want to stay at home and I respect that choice if it works for their family, but the idea of raising my daughter to aspire to this makes me feel quite sick. I certainly won't be crushing her aspirations or discouraging her from making the most of her talents. She would be utterly bored and unfulfilled as a SAHP, as would I, and indeed as my own mother was.

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/07/2022 15:19

flutterbybabycakes · 03/07/2022 15:11

This is the problem, the idea that existing in a traditional family unit is luck. It's not, some of us were brought up to work towards this because it works so well. That doesn't mean you think about dish tablets all day. It just means you find a partner who wants the same thing and both enjoy those roles.

Show quote history

@flutterbybabycakes

it sounds very regimented though. You stick to your role and he is.

why can’t it be the case that you share things? So for example you both work maybe part time, you both take responsibility for cleaning, and you alternate the cooking for example

thats sounds way more fair and equal to me and means that one of you isn’t out of the workforce for too long or too financially dependant on the other

Ohthatsexciting · 03/07/2022 15:20

Rensterdenster01 · 03/07/2022 15:14

Journalist? Look out for an article in a newspaper soon about SAHM v working mums! 😂

Show quote history

I doubt

other than on mumsnet, literally no other channel is remotely interested in this topic.

ten years ago? Yes? Now? There is nothing new to the added to the already very tedious debate

Ohthatsexciting · 03/07/2022 15:23

Anothernamechangeplease · 03/07/2022 14:15

My point is, the vast majority of roles really don't require a SAHP at home, and there is nothing in the OP to indicate that this is one of those rare situations where a SAHP was the only option. Yes, some jobs require long hours, flexibility etc, and it might be difficult to sustain two careers like that (though I know people who manage it) but it's hard to imagine what jobs would prevent the other partner from doing a fairly ordinary 9-5 role. I think the main exception to this is where the child has SEN or health conditions that make it difficult to access childcare. In those situations, where the SAHP is actually a carer as well as a SAHP, then having one parent at home may well be essential.

Show quote history

Good point

Kanaloa · 03/07/2022 15:24

flutterbybabycakes · 03/07/2022 15:15

This is why you actively find a man who wants the same thing and agree before you get married.

Also, you can be a SAHM and keep your skills sharp, in fact being a SAHM is highly conducive to this given all the free time.

If my husband died (because there is not a cat in hell's chance he would just walk out on us) I could bring in good money the very next day because I've levelled up since being a SAHM because I had the time and freedom to do so.

Show quote history

This is really naive though. How do you know there’s not a chance in hell he’ll just walk out on you/cheat on you? You can’t predict another person’s behaviour. You never know. That’s why I’d hate to be in the position of a man (or anyone) providing for me.

Ohthatsexciting · 03/07/2022 15:25

Out of the workplace for 18 years?

let’s all be honest - employers are unlikely to be jumping with glee with the Op does return.

op if you don’t want to, you could just say to your husband “ok I’ll start job hunting immediately”

3 years later…. Nada

WishILivedInThrushGreen · 03/07/2022 15:25

I've just seen that the OP's only other thread was reported and immediately taken down.

Kanaloa · 03/07/2022 15:26

And also, being ‘brought up to work towards the traditional family unit’ is sad. Staying home and cooking and cleaning while your husband works isn’t really something to ‘work towards.’

Riverlee · 03/07/2022 15:29

I can see that op hasn’t returned - was it a goady op?

flutterbybabycakes · 03/07/2022 15:29

Anothernamechangeplease · 03/07/2022 15:19

Goodness, how depressing. The idea of young girls being brought up to work towards being a SAHP as if that's the very best that they can aspire to!

I understand that some women want to stay at home and I respect that choice if it works for their family, but the idea of raising my daughter to aspire to this makes me feel quite sick. I certainly won't be crushing her aspirations or discouraging her from making the most of her talents. She would be utterly bored and unfulfilled as a SAHP, as would I, and indeed as my own mother was.

Show quote history

How do you know she would be bored? You assume she would lack the imagination to do things alongside being a parent and wife?

She's not you, and you can't proscribe that onto her, or that what she will find fulfilling. You have to let her be her.

@LuckySantangelo35

Yes, we stick to those roles because they are quite onerous and I've explained a few times here that doing them efficiently is more easily done when only doing one of them.

I do work part-time. He works over 70 hours right now so no I don't expect him to do any housework. I've got it all systemised and him getting involved would not only be cruel but inefficient.

I'm not out of the workforce. I have over 20 years of work experience which I now utilise in the work I do from home which makes the most money in the least time, and that's improving every day because I still focus on my personal development, because I have time because I'm not constrained by paid employment which dictates how I spend any of my time.

Our family is dependent on our breadwinner and on our homemaker. It's a family unit, and it's bliss.

MiniPiccolo · 03/07/2022 15:29

I say this gently, OP.

But is it possible your Husband is trying to encourage some independance for a reason?

Many families break up after the youngest hits 18. Could he be biding his time?

Ohthatsexciting · 03/07/2022 15:31

Kanaloa · 03/07/2022 15:26

And also, being ‘brought up to work towards the traditional family unit’ is sad. Staying home and cooking and cleaning while your husband works isn’t really something to ‘work towards.’

For you it isn’t
For me it isn’t
but I certainly don’t find it “sad” if someone does

tbh I look at supermarket workers and I think “bloody hell, that job holds less than NO appeal to me” but I don’t feel “sad” for them. It’s just a different job to mine

Ohthatsexciting · 03/07/2022 15:31

MiniPiccolo · 03/07/2022 15:29

I say this gently, OP.

But is it possible your Husband is trying to encourage some independance for a reason?

Many families break up after the youngest hits 18. Could he be biding his time?

Or more positively

he worries about the op becoming lonely and bored

flutterbybabycakes · 03/07/2022 15:31

Kanaloa · 03/07/2022 15:26

And also, being ‘brought up to work towards the traditional family unit’ is sad. Staying home and cooking and cleaning while your husband works isn’t really something to ‘work towards.’

You say that but are you able to articulate exactly why?

If it's intrinsically miserable then why am I, a qualified professional, with post-graduate education, and a creative mind, so happy?

Something's not adding up.

MiniPiccolo · 03/07/2022 15:32

flutterbybabycakes · 03/07/2022 15:29

How do you know she would be bored? You assume she would lack the imagination to do things alongside being a parent and wife?

She's not you, and you can't proscribe that onto her, or that what she will find fulfilling. You have to let her be her.

@LuckySantangelo35

Yes, we stick to those roles because they are quite onerous and I've explained a few times here that doing them efficiently is more easily done when only doing one of them.

I do work part-time. He works over 70 hours right now so no I don't expect him to do any housework. I've got it all systemised and him getting involved would not only be cruel but inefficient.

I'm not out of the workforce. I have over 20 years of work experience which I now utilise in the work I do from home which makes the most money in the least time, and that's improving every day because I still focus on my personal development, because I have time because I'm not constrained by paid employment which dictates how I spend any of my time.

Our family is dependent on our breadwinner and on our homemaker. It's a family unit, and it's bliss.

Show quote history

Oh bore off. How tedious and regressive. Would you be saying the same if your husband was a low earner? Would you fuck.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/07/2022 15:32

Ponderingwindow · 03/07/2022 14:50

I don’t think it’s reasonable to suddenly expect you to go find an entry level job late in life. The odds of it being physically demanding at a time when you are feeling the effects of age are unfair. If he is willing to support you having training or education that will give you a better entry into the workforce after such a long absence, then I would think that was reasonable, but might not be cost effective.

Does that mean I can jack my job in because it's a bit more of a physical effort now than twenty years ago?

flutterbybabycakes · 03/07/2022 15:35

Ohthatsexciting · 03/07/2022 15:31

For you it isn’t
For me it isn’t
but I certainly don’t find it “sad” if someone does

tbh I look at supermarket workers and I think “bloody hell, that job holds less than NO appeal to me” but I don’t feel “sad” for them. It’s just a different job to mine

Show quote history

I am 100% sure that people who say that are attempting to quell their own crippling hatred for what their lives are which are subject to paid employment which is constantly under threat and increasingly inadequate in today's world with all our crises.

It's a specious and vague statement that makes them feel better in the moment about the drudgery of the life they live that they admit freely in threads that are not about the life of a SAHM.

The idea that this role prohibits anything else is also outdated. Labour-saving devices and tech have come a loooong way since the 50s, this halves the time it takes to keep a house immaculate and a table full.

And the assumption that the freed up time is spent sampling Fabulosa or sitting staring into the void only highlights their own stunted imagination.

Rensterdenster01 · 03/07/2022 15:36

Ohthatsexciting · 03/07/2022 15:25

Out of the workplace for 18 years?

let’s all be honest - employers are unlikely to be jumping with glee with the Op does return.

op if you don’t want to, you could just say to your husband “ok I’ll start job hunting immediately”

3 years later…. Nada

I’ve just found the opposite as I commented on earlier. 16 years as a SAHM, got offered both jobs I applied for. They’re happy to take personal references instead of employment if you’ve been a SAHM and I’m the wrong side of 50! My friend found the same, there’s a different attitude around now for those wishing to return and both interviews chastised me for apologising for having been a SAHM.

Ohthatsexciting · 03/07/2022 15:37

NeverDropYourMooncup · 03/07/2022 15:32

Does that mean I can jack my job in because it's a bit more of a physical effort now than twenty years ago?

Show quote history

Depends on how ohy

Ohthatsexciting · 03/07/2022 15:38

Rensterdenster01 · 03/07/2022 15:36

I’ve just found the opposite as I commented on earlier. 16 years as a SAHM, got offered both jobs I applied for. They’re happy to take personal references instead of employment if you’ve been a SAHM and I’m the wrong side of 50! My friend found the same, there’s a different attitude around now for those wishing to return and both interviews chastised me for apologising for having been a SAHM.

Show quote history

Background? Professionally qualified?

if you have no professional qualification and very very limited employment experience in any field whatsoever - I would hazard a guess that the employment market doesn’t jump for joy when you throw yourself in

flutterbybabycakes · 03/07/2022 15:38

MiniPiccolo · 03/07/2022 15:32

Oh bore off. How tedious and regressive. Would you be saying the same if your husband was a low earner? Would you fuck.

Show quote history

What do you consider a low earner? Because by MN standards I can bet you he falls under that criteria. It's just that he won't be once he's reached the stage he wants to, and I happily facilitate that because he enjoys it and our family benefit from it.

It may be technically socially regressive, but progress is not always good. The idea that men can't be women is widely considered regressive, for example.