To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

@TheFeistyFeminist

nope! none of those things. Soz

I wasn’t being tetchy merely staring that it is unrealistic to think Op can just walk into a sought after and quite niche job such as interior design with no previous qualifications, training or experience in the field.

I mean what is her portfolio gonna look like?
Pics of her living room?? Lol

This part stuck out for me:

"Many of my free hours are spent helping with the house and the kids, and I recognise that traditional gender roles are often oppressive, but that cuts both ways. I would feel less used and alone if you pitched in financially, even a little."

He shouldn't have to help with the house, this is the benefit of traditional roles in a family.

Cuts both ways? So gender is equally oppressive to men as to women? Is that the consensus here too?

Lastly I think he should be speaking to his wife, not into the wind, about his lack of ability to play his role in his family, which is provider.

Overall it's yet another case of life planning being an afterthought. It's a shockingly pathetic way to exist. Sort this stuff out first. You want to be a housewife? make that clear at the start, many men value this role. You don't want to be a provider for your family as a man but have an equal relationship for everything? Make that clear first? Why is that so hard?

No I'm saying the opposite of 'do you think no one else needs downtime' I'm saying the traditional family set up ensures downtime for both because you are each taking on one role to concentrate on, organise properly, and get done efficiently instead of both sharing them equally which is less efficient.

I'm in a privileged position because I got here on purpose. I have a man who is a provider and enjoys this role, takes pleasure in it, as I take pleasure in mine. We are both creative and having to only focus on one major task (breadwinner/homemaker) means we can both pursue these.

He is as privileged as I am, as is our child, because we have created a traditional family unit which works brilliantly, ensures we all have good mental health, and can be the best and most present parents. We have a happy healthy child, eat well, have enough money, and above all else enjoy every day of our lives.

Is any of this negative to you?

It's fine to not particularly want to work. It's fine to want to fill your day with cleaning, cooking, shopping, a bit of volunteering, study, flower arranging, going to the gym and all those things that are made possible by somebody else going to work. It's also fine to want a spouse who happily provides a good lifestyle where it's all possible and they never feel put upon, taken for granted or needed as entertainment and social interaction.

However, what we want and what we get in life can be two different things.

And in this case, he doesn't want to have to work and shoulder all the financial and practical matters now the children are grown and it's perfectly possible for you to get a job.

I don't think the OP is going to come back.

i started my job 3 months ago after 16 years as a SAHM. I’m 52 and wondered this. However I decided to just go for it and guess what? I got a job in my chosen field, for the hours I wanted, within 2 months. In fact I got offered the other job I went for too but preferred this, so 2 out of 2 and I’m nothing special. Sometimes it’s just having some self confidence. There’s a lot of jobs out there at the moment.

Also jobs will take Personal references if you haven’t a recent employment one due to being a SAHM.

@flutterbybabycakes

yeah it is to be honest!

I can’t imagine my sole purpose and role in life being to facilitate others - to cook and clean and keep a home so that my husband can just work and nothing else and so that my son gets a home cooked meal very night.

I mean I do plenty of housework now but I do so much more as well in my career. More life experiences etc. I’d be worried about my life feeling too insular in your situation. And a bit of volunteering here and there doesn’t cut it.

when I was younger I worked hard in my education and training - I had and still do have - lots of ambition. The idea of solely being a homemaker is very negative to me.

18 pages in. 18 pages of "Well I have to work so so should you you lazy so-and-so.., nah nah nah..."

And the OP wasn't even genuine.

That's MN for you folks!

That's good to hear @Rensterdenster01 - I have a friend in almost exactly the same position as OP who won't even apply for anything as she automatically thinks she'll be written off.

@flutterbybabycakes

also I am very realistic about the fact that no relationship or marriage is a dead cert.

I never, ever want to rely on someone 100% - I’ve seen it go to shit for so many women.

So yeah that’s another negative to me about the situation you describe - that level of vulnerability and dependency on a man is a big negative for me

@flutterbybabycakes it works for you and your husband.

It seems it no longer works for the OP's husband so her bleating "but I don't want to" isn't going to cut it. It seems that some discussion and changes will probably be necessary.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to suddenly expect you to go find an entry level job late in life. The odds of it being physically demanding at a time when you are feeling the effects of age are unfair. If he is willing to support you having training or education that will give you a better entry into the workforce after such a long absence, then I would think that was reasonable, but might not be cost effective.

I understand how she feels as I originally felt like that, but after deciding what did I have to lose by trying, I was amazed at how welcoming the job market was for us that have been SAHMs. A friend has recently also got a part time job at Seasalt clothing after years as a SAHM too, and we both found it a really positive experience applying for jobs. Accepting personal references seems commonplace if you’ve not worked and having been a SAHM wasn’t seen as a handicap. I’d recommend anyone thinking of it, to just go for it. Returning to work doesn’t mean taking the grottiest most miserable job because you’ve been a SAHM! 😊

Yep. I agree.

@Vikinga

My mum is/was a sahm and she set a bloody awesome example. And even now, with no kids, she works hard running the home, cooking, shopping., supporting my dad.

Lucky her. Some of us manage to do all this while also working a full-time job and bringing up children.

@Ponderingwindow I rejoined the workforce at 43, at entry level. It was in an office; it wasn't physically demanding. At 62 I can still pull a 12 hour day 6 days a week.

You have just spouted the utter boileaux spouted at me when I returned to work after a break. Still working; lovely pension pot ahead; and although DH has been a very high earner my pension will actually be helpfully significant when we retire. Plus of course my full state pension earned from 35 years of contributions and that is the same whether a woman works for 10k or 100k.

Do you let me know when the medal ceremony as won’t you 🙄

How do you know she's late in life? She been a SAHM for 18 years with 3 children, if she had the first at 18 she's all of 36 now. We don't know how old she is.

What happened to OP?

She's busy job hunting .....

But you seem to be responding to my situation that you've created in your head instead of my actual situation. The home is not my sole purpose and I never indicated such.

I run this house efficiently, and that means I can do other things. I do lots of things with my child and my husband, and I have a few hobbies, creative stuff, and have three WFM projects I use to bring in some income, and still have loads of free time because I do not have to be in employment, which is a very restrictive way to make money, it also caps your income.

My husband wants to be in employment while he builds up his carer and gets his qualifications that will mean he can exit employment in favour of running a business. Instead of coming home and cleaning or making dinner he can come home to a clean house, a cooked meal, and plan our future.

Before I married I worked full-time, for a good while, since I was young, and am stacked with skills which enable me to dip in and out of many work projects.

Our roles give us both a world of freedom.

You seem to have not read my post, or the information therein was so unpalatable.

With children nearing adulthood, I estimated the op much older than 43, with many fewer years left until retirement.

*so unpalatable that you did not take it in.

This is the problem, the idea that existing in a traditional family unit is luck. It's not, some of us were brought up to work towards this because it works so well. That doesn't mean you think about dish tablets all day. It just means you find a partner who wants the same thing and both enjoy those roles.