To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

Her youngest is 15...they won't be leaving home soon. It's not the 1960s. They'll be at home for another decade I'd imagine.

But they will not be children that need looking after.

It has to be an agreed joint decision like every other major decision in a marriage. As a compromise could you both work part time?

I went back to work when dd was settled in reception. There are only so many coffees, fete, voluntary committees, etc, you can deal with.

When I gave up work in 1995 I was on 6 figures (at that time more than dh). When I went back in 2003 it was part-time, starting from scratch, hoping the employer would support me to do Prof quals. It was £8k. They did.

@KittyKittyKat many, many playground mums sneered a bit and said what I was doing in the public sector was too much if a step down and you wouldn't catch them doing it, adding a snide "not with what your dh earns anyway", and an "I bet you'll only stick for a few months". At least two of those mothers were left for younger models when their dc grew up and are completely unemployable. They may have had generous divorce settlements but their life styles are not what they were. It is really sad.

I didn't go back for the money, although I love having my very own money, but for my sanity. I got my professional quals, I got promoted, several times. I have a healthy pension to look forward to. I also think it made our marriage stronger and me a better mother because I had focuses beyond the home and the children. The best thing my dd has ever said to me is "mum, you set me such a good example re a work ethic. I saw you work, study and look after us and I can talk to you about the future."

When did she say she had no outside interests? Do you just assume women taking on the homemaker role have no other interests? Why?

Can we exchange info please? I am same as you and do a few at home projects but perhaps we know of ones the other doesn't? I'll tell you mine if you tell me yours?

I can believe it.

OP for me, having the ability to support myself and my children is essential, I've always worked.

I couldn't be an example to my daughter by doing nothing for 20 years and living off my partner. I want her to know she can do anything, which she does.

I also wouldn't want my son working his arse off to support a wife and 3 children when his wife won't work.

It's different when kids are small and need care but to provide nothing, not one meal, jacket, holiday and expect your husband to continue to support you forever is a big ask, one which he's unwilling to do.

Yes, he's got his career and you have supported that but come on, are you done? What if he packed his job in, would that be ok?

I think the clue is in their username

Personally I absolutely love my job and in the past I’ve felt sick with stress too. Find the right job and it can enhance your life not just be something you ‘have’ to do. What do you care about? What are you passionate about?

I don't understand all of the comments saying that the OP has facilitated the DH's career for years. There isn't enough information in the OP to draw this conclusion. A minority of SAHPs may indeed be "facilitating" their partners careers by staying at home, e.g. if that career involves extensive unplanned travel etc, but the vast majority of jobs simply don't need a SAHP to "facilitate" them. Yes, they may have saved on childcare costs, but only if the SAHP was a relatively low earner in the first place.

I also don't understand all of the comments about it being likely that that DH won't want to step up and do his fair share of the housework. We don't know that from the information that the OP has provided, but unless they live in a stately home or something, the domestic burden won't be too onerous at this stage. The youngest child is 15 so already self-sufficient with most things, so surely we're just talking about a bit of cooking and some housework, aren't we? Maybe some lifts for the dc here and there? Hardly a massive burden!

Yabu.

being the sole breadwinner of a family is a huge responsibility and stress which should be shared if possible. Of course it’s not always possible but in your case it sounds as though it is

Exactly. People just fall into relationships and then go 'oh but this is not the set up I want' We need to discuss this stuff before getting with someone. My husband wants a housewife. He doesn't have to do anything around this house except enjoy it. He pays for everything and I "do" everything (in the home). He wants a career and works for it without ever having to think about home stuff.

I do home stuff and whatever else I want to do outside that without ever having to think about work (although I do choose to WFH for extra money that I spend on the house, children, animals, myself, and him), but I don't have any stress around because I don't have to do it.

this is so much better than two adults scrapping around trying to be all things all the time. It's division of labour that has worked in families for centuries and it still works today.

And whenever you say this you get 'but work is what gives us our self-worth' but then in equal measure in threads like this suddenly it's "well no one actually wants to work" and these two things are contradictory.

Depends on the job

when I was a sahm my ex was a very senior exec at a huge multi National

he had very limited travel the role was enormous and he genuinely worked obscene hours, but then that afforded us a pretty wonderful standard of life.

there is not a nanny on the planet that would have worked the hours or done everything I did as a sahm.

now I am a single parent. Do I need a SAHM??! No! Why? Because my role isn’t a fraction as intense, high profile or richly rewarded as his

If OP gets divorced - half the assets will be split - she won't have the problem of negotiating with anyone and will receive a spousal settlement.

Incredibly naive to assume this. I know plenty of SAHM/housewives who have been screwed over by their DH's in the event of a divorce. Marraige doesn't give the protection that many on MN seem to think it does. Also why are you assuming that OP's DH is such a high earner that OP would be quids in if they split? Maybe they're just about managing now and if they split she'd have to go out to work to support herself anyway! But yeah sure, OP should definitely throw away her marriage over this.

Basically the pay she should have had for all the unpaid work she has been doing for the past 15-20 years odd.

The "pay she should have had"?? So a roof over her head, bills paid, food to eat, the continued financial security of her DC and basically her entire life being paid for by another person for the last two decades isn't payment enough? You think her DH should have been paying her a salary on top? For doing things that working people manage to fit around their jobs? Unbelievable.

And then she can choose how much housework she does. And have some say in further training without the burden of her DH telling her what to do.

I love how people are making out OP's DH is some kind of misogynist tyrant who has had her chained to the kitchen sink and is now sending her to work down a mine or something!! There is nothing in the OP to suggest that. For all we know he already does plenty around the house and just wants his wife, who has had the luxury of not working for 18 years to get a job for a few hours a week to contribute to their pension pot so he can retire at some point before he keels over. But of course, she should definitely LTB rather than suffer the indignity of having to get a job!

The mental gymnastics some posters on this thread are doing to justify their view that once a woman has given birth she is entitled to have her life paid for by a man forevermore are mind-boggling.

OP, does anything in this article ring true for you?

amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/jul/02/a-letter-to-my-wife-who-wont-get-a-job-while-i-work-myself-to-death

I am literally pissing myself laughing at the suggestion of the OP becoming a cleaner…. the only woman I know who is in a similar position to this lady husband is a director of an insurance company, become a cleaner she’s got a fucking cleaner herself. Come on Natalie it’s time for you to get back to work, no more Pilates at David Lloyd and lunch out with the girls, put your marigolds on and go and scrub other people shit off the bathroom floor oh my god I would love to see her face.

@LuckySantangelo35 yes, a competitive field to get into... lots of careers are. But if the husband is concerned with her "doing something" rather than earning a living, she could do all sorts of things. I promise you I'm not in cloud cuckoo land, simply trying to encourage a broad range of thinking.

Maybe I've hit a nerve?

Those who say it's not fair on your husband are not considering what you do as a housewife. Do you do all the shopping, cleaning, laundry, and general family admin? Is it you who makes all the effort for birthdays, Christmas, holidays etc? Is it you who sorts out issues with wider/older family members? If you do, and he has "just worked" for the last 20 year or so, leaving all this and childcare to you, is he likely to suddenly change and do 50/50. I bet your first month's wages he expects you to continue, but also to work, so that he can benefit financially as well as practically. If I'm wrong, you are being unreasonable. I word of warning though - the fact he has brought this up suggests he does not value what you do. That makes you dispensable. Please look into how financially secure you would be, if he feels you are no longer useful/ worth supporting.

The feeling I'm getting here is 'well you should just do that as well like I do' but really I think it means 'I'm miserable and never rest so you should also be miserable and never rest'

@flutterbybabycakes

not everyone gets the luxury of “down time”

do you think others don’t need down time!?

they HAVE to work and do everything else around the house etc around it

and your kid would be just fine If that was what you had to do. As would you. Being a bit busier and sometimes having a quick tea not made from scratch would not kill either of you

you are very privileged

My point is, the vast majority of roles really don't require a SAHP at home, and there is nothing in the OP to indicate that this is one of those rare situations where a SAHP was the only option. Yes, some jobs require long hours, flexibility etc, and it might be difficult to sustain two careers like that (though I know people who manage it) but it's hard to imagine what jobs would prevent the other partner from doing a fairly ordinary 9-5 role. I think the main exception to this is where the child has SEN or health conditions that make it difficult to access childcare. In those situations, where the SAHP is actually a carer as well as a SAHP, then having one parent at home may well be essential.

@TheFeistyFeminist

what do you mean?

maybe you’ve hit a nerve?

But how picky can you be if you're up against other candidates with more recent working experience? I don't think you just walk into whatever you fancy after 18 years out. I'd do some volunteering first even if just to get a reference.

Perhaps you're looking to break into a competitive career and found it challenging? Or are unhappy in your work? I don't know, I'm simply trying to offer outside-the-box suggestions for someone looking to return to the workforce after a long period raising children. I'm not entirely sure why you got tetchy with me, it felt unnecessary.

If people who make a life living on government benefits are scroungers then op you are too.

What about your old age, pension, what if something (god forbid) happens to your husband?

I don’t think many people want to work, most do it because they’re not multimillionaires and they need to.