To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

And when did her DH get a gap year to wind down, switch off and be himself?!

Oh right, he didn't, because he's been busy working full-time to support his children and his wife who refuses to get a job and financially contribute to the house now the children have grown up.

I wonder if people would be talking about gap years and staying home forever if OP was posting about her husband refusing to go to work 🙄

I didn't work for years either as I was a sahm too however, my husband was made redundant and his new job doesn't pay as well As his other job so I had to look for work too. I dreaded it to be honest but now that I'm here 5 years I actually enjoy the company and the extra money. I do think having a job isn't only about the money, it is a social aspect too. I agree with others on the fact that if your husband is asking you to get a job, he must want you to regardless of the fact that you can afford to or not.

I say this as someone who loves their work. Work doesn’t have to define you. There are alternative ways to live whilst providing for your needs. But for your own well-being, something that feels worthwhile to be involved with and gives some social time is important to have in your life, especially as kids leave home.

Maybe book an appointment with a financial adviser together, really talk to one another and listen.What are each of your aspirations now and in the future? What kind of retirement do you want? You need to figure out a way you can be both happy and cover your costs.

An old school friend was in a similar situation to you and she started volunteering at the crèche in her church and babysitting. She really enjoyed it and was great with little ones so encouraged by local mums she trained to be a childminder. I’m not suggesting that’s what you should do as a job, but following your interests and being open to where those interests could lead to paid work might be a way forward.

My mum is/was a sahm and she set a bloody awesome example. And even now, with no kids, she works hard running the home, cooking, shopping., supporting my dad.

Sahm role is a role that is just as valuable as working for money. Just because it isn't paid for people don't appreciate it.

My mum has looked after my home and kids when I've been away for work and it is invaluable knowing that everything is being looked after. I would not have been able to do those jobs without her. Men whose wives are sahm have that all the time.

And in most cases that I know. When men want their wives to go back to work they also expect her to carry on doing all the housework and childcare.

I imagine that during that time of being full time mother you didn’t get lots of time off to completely wind down and switch off and just be yourself?

The youngest has been at school for at least 10 years, that's a hell of a lot of 'time off' on schooldays once the housework is done, and certainly more than her working DH would have had.

Why wouldn’t you have done something productive whilst your children were at school? You sound lazy.

One of my friends hates her husband. She decided to make herself unemployable by doing shit all for the past 14 years. I have zero sympathy for her. She used to earn more than her husband. She’s now stuck there and they’re all miserable. He’s a grumpy ass, but she’s the one who has zero independence, which is all her own doing.

And don’t get me started on pensions. I never discuss it with anyone other than my own DH, but every time I review my own pension pot, I’m at a total loss what about 8 of my friends will do in retirement age. I really don’t know how they think they’ll afford anything like their current lifestyles. And that’s assuming their husbands don’t run off with a younger model (haven’t seen it happen in real life, but it seems to crop up frequently on MN), because then they’re totally buggered.

Who knows what the future holds, your husband may be planning to leave you and this is a subtle hint for you

Blimey, are you serious?
When you’ve been out of work for 18 years, the opportunities for new and fulfilling work aren’t exactly numerous. Her DH has had the opportunity to work on his career all that time, has improved his skill/prospects etc. and has every chance to love his job. But now demands that she just gets a job? Any job? Just to avoid sponging?

Obviously OP isn't coming back.

She farted as she was getting out of the lift.

Once the youngest child is old enough to not need a parent around constantly (at 15 definitely the case) I would consider it unreasonable to expect to not work (or study).

My mother was a SAHM, she went back to work when my younger brother was a teenager. It was highly beneficial.

You are worth more than being dependent on a man for the rest of your life. Stories from completely financially dependent wives terrify me.

If you like working with children a role such as midday supervisor might suit you initially. Nearly all NHS roles at band 2/3 can be done part time.

Good luck

You don't get to be facilitated by your wife for 15 years - never have to worry about your own children etc etc - and then the second the youngest gets to a certain age, click your fingers and declare it's time for your wife to get back to work!
No. Sorry, it doesn't work like that.

It works like that - when the DC are young, they need someone to take care of them full time, and they need someone to bring in the money to feed them and house them. OP did the former, her DH the latter.

Now DC no longer require that, the tasks the parents have have changed and the full time childcare provider position is redundant. In your opinion, OP's job is finished and she can put her feet up for the rest of her life, while DH continues his part for another couple of decades? How is this fair?

Well said @Vikinga

Being a SAHM is hard work when you have toddlers. The minute they’re in school, you’ve got just under 6 hours free a day for 39 weeks a year…

It can’t all be cleaning and cooking and “running the house”. Because, guess what, the mothers who work full time also do all of that shit perfectly adequately in the evening and on weekends.

Obviously OP isn't coming back

She farted as she was getting out of the lift.

Or is rubbing their hands with glee at all the responses and is fiercely hitting the keyboard to get this 'research' in the tabloids tomorrow?

Really enjoying Tiafoe - a real fighter.

If she hates her husband - and used to earn more - she should divorce him and take half his pension.

If you claim child benefit (even if you don't take the money) it counts towards pension credits.

I don't want to work either @kahase72 . Unfortunately, like your husband, I am the sole earner for my family. Am I happy that my husband doesn't work? Not really. At the moment I can accept it as we have a child in primary school who needs walking to school. If he got to 15 and was still using the excuse of 'looking after the kids' then I don't think our relationship would be in a good place to be honest.

And OP chose to remain out of the workplace for two decades.

And yes, of course she should get a job! Why should he fund her for the rest of her life just because she stayed home to raise the DC for a few years?

If her youngest is fifteen, she could have got a part-time job a decade ago. Disabilities aside, there's no reason not to work once all your children are in school, surely? That's a choice but one that comes with huge risks, as OP is now realising.

Can't be real.

Also, going back to work doesn’t have to be something you hate. There are nice jobs in clothing shops where you get a dress allowance & discount, bookshops where they hold events, I got a job working for the museum & heritage services. Choose something that you’re interested in, if money isn’t the main purpose you can take time and choose carefully and it can really be a positive thing and add to your life. Working part time also makes me appreciate my days at home more, when I had 7 days a week in the house it didn’t feel special.

No value without receiving money? Weird isn't it?

@Easilystartled precisely the point I was making. Why does he get to dictate she just get a job, any job? Why now? Why not years ago when it would've been easier for her, or when youngest leaves come / turns 18? Who made him king of the house? Why should she have to get a shitty paying, menial, unfulfilling job while he has the luxury of having had his career facilitated all these years and now a well paying career of his choice?

By all means discuss it. He's within his rights to say he would like her to think about options, but he can't demand she do any job right now because he says so.

"It can’t all be cleaning and cooking and “running the house”. Because, guess what, the mothers who work full time also do all of that shit perfectly adequately in the evening and on weekends."!
I think you misunderstand how that works. Just because some people do those things on evenings and weekends doesn't mean you can't spend that time relaxing and having family time because you have the weekdays to do that stuff.

I need down time. My child likes me not being constantly busy or stressed. I like providing freshly cooked meals and enjoying my life instead of feeling like I'm "on" all the time.

Why is it better to just be busy constantly? Can you actually articulate a reason this is the case?

Absolutely agree!

I’d be concerned your husband is planning to leave you once the children leave home. He might be kind and is trying to prepare you to stand on your own two feet.