To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

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Surely you need to work to secure your future ?

Once people start citing the negative aspects of working, such as having someone to tell you what to do, then of course no-one wants to do that. That's beside the point though. You cannot ever expect someone to keep paying for your life if he doesn't want to. Your children will either leave home or be independent soon. I get that it's a huge change and probably quite nerve wracking, but you'll have no choice if you want the self-respect.

OP, does work, she just doesn’t get paid for it.

Oh come off it! She does NOT work. Being a SAHM to young children is work, of course it is. But OP's youngest child is 15, she cannot reasonably claim that being at home full time is "work". And please don't try to make out that cooking, cleaning, "life admin", food shopping etc is work because working people still have to do all those things around their FT jobs.

I bet her DH does absolutely nothing at home as all the housework and childcare has been done by her whilst she’s been a SAHM.

And?? If my DH didn't work but had no young children to look after, so he basically had unlimited free time while I was working FT to support us as a family, I certainly wouldn't expect to be doing housework when I came home!

There are plenty of jobs out there and as she has been working so hard at home for 18 years she should find it easy to get a job, plenty of hardworking couples could do with a cleaner. Cleaners don't seem to be badly paid where I am.

I assume she's been doing all the gardening as well as we have been told by so many on here that her husband does nothing at home so she could do some gardening or how about a bit of cooking, I mean she's had 18 years to perfect some recipes.

She has lots of experience so I'm sure she can find something, if she did 15 hrs a week cleaning she'd be clearing not far off £1,000 a month (£15 an hour seems the minimum I see locally) and she'd still have plenty of time to look after near adult children.

I would never want to be so financially dependent on another person.
He’s probably resentful of having to carry the whole can. Maybe if you both worked he could retire sooner.
You won’t have any state pension (such as it is) if you haven’t been paying contributions / claiming benefit either.

@roarfeckingroarr

but realistically how is that going to happen??!

the work place is hard enough and competitive for those who have been in it for years?! For people who have qualifications and training and experiences etc. OP Will have to just accept that she cannot compete with people like that. That’s just life.

If OP gets divorced - half the assets will be split - she won't have the problem of negotiating with anyone and will receive a spousal settlement.

Basically the pay she should have had for all the unpaid work she has been doing for the past 15-20 years odd.

And then she can choose how much housework she does. And have some say in further training without the burden of her DH telling her what to do.

Maybe she should have thought about that before she took two decades out of the workplace? 😏

Why do people assume shes sponging?

My DH makes 4x more than me (I work part time self employed and dont make much) however I am frugally minded and have plenty of savings I have been building up for well over a decade, long before we married and lived together.

If me a DH split I could not work and be fine for quite a while (no life of luxuory but living in a similar vein to now), he would move in with his parents and struggle because hes finacially incompitent. I have zero access to my DH money and he pays his half of the bills only.

I do not 'mooch off him' just because I dont have a tradition job however lots of people jump to the conclusion Im some kind of kept woman because I can do as I please when I please and they dont 'see' me going to work and earning money.

OP a suggestion could be to find something you like and do that, a job doesnt have to be an office or 9-5 etc... (Im like you Im not 'hive - everyone needs a job to be important' minded, I refuse to work my ass of to make a rich person richer while having to 'ask' like a kid raising their hand for time off to live my own life as I want etc...) but you can set up your own online shop to sell something you make etc... self employment is the way to go.

I dont want to work either. I'm knackered, I've worked in the NHS for 40 years with another 7 years to go. But unfortunately I have nobody to support me so off to work I go.
If he is not willing to support you as a housewife then sadly you must find work. If I lived with a bloke who refused to work I would and did chuck him out.
What if he left you suddenly? What would you do then?

Perhaps you DH would like to adjust his work life balance so it's more similar to yours.
Could you working allow him to contribute more to his pension to allow earlier retirement.
It's not an unreasonable request since he has been the breadwinner for 18years, I'm sure he'd like the option of not working too.
What are your savings, pension provisions like or are you expecting him to provide all the financial security?

Ffs has she really ‘facilitated his career’? Is he some kind of FTSE exec? Or just some bloody average joe earning a good wage who is over infected with hubris whose wife has convinced herself Dave is soooooo important and he couldn’t possibly do the quarterly trade show in the midlands without her unwavering support and sacrifice?

ffs women wake up! You are not married to a stock broker there is really no need for the trad wife costume!

I know so so so many very senior female lawyers, some partners in their firms, with 1 - 3 children whose husbands also have high flying careers and guess what, they all use childcare but still manage to ‘run a house’ between them. Get over yourselves.

It sounds like financial abuse to me. Do you have children?

Lazy

Perhaps you might present your other half with a balance sheet detailing how much money it would cost to outsource the tasks that you do. Cleaner, cooking, budgeting, school pick ups etc. It's probably around 20 K a year

How bloody ridiculous. I do all that stuff and I work full time. Who do you suggest I invoice for payment? Myself?

Plus the husband could present OP with his own balance sheet of half the cost of the mortgage, bills, food, holidays etc. I expect she'd end up owing a lot more than 20k.

Seriously OP if you husband does not want to fully financially support you not to work now the children don't need full on care, you do need to work. But you need to discuss this in a way that looks at all aspects that he probably hasn't thought of so that you are both clear about expectations and which are realistic. He may well be thinking a job for you will being in more income for the joint pot and relieve him of his resentment that you don't work or actively do SAHM-ing any more.

But he may not have considered that you might only get a min wage role which could make little difference financially. And is he expecting FT, PT and if so what hours? Because that has a knock on effect. Or the hours you work mean that he needs to pick up a share of the house work, coming, admin and mental load. That may not have occurred to him and it should!

Noonereallyinteresing · Today 01:25

Is husband happy to pick up the slack with house keeping tasks when you are back in work? How much is a laundry service your area? How about a cleaner? Meal prep service? All things husband needs to consider!

@Noonereallyinteresing
Surely all kids of OP's DC will be perfectly capable of doing some of the household chores.
They're all old enough to clean their rooms and communal areas, prepare food and operate laundry equipment so I think you are being a bit far fetched to call in external resources.
If the DC can't manage, and their own knives in this respect then I think OP has fine them a disservice and wasted her time as a SAHM.
Kids should be taught the basics of, food prep, cleaning and laundry before adulthood so they can be independent.
OP wants an easy life and now expects DH to continue working to provide for her needs now and in retirement.
He could quite rightfully resent this attitude a little.

Give the OP a break. She hasn’t had time to reply yet, she’s so busy with housework

Knives = lives

@mam0918 why do you pay half the bills if he earns x4 what you earn ?

This is very true! But I don’t think you’re necessarily being unreasonable @kahase72 - I imagine that during that time of being full time mother you didn’t get lots of time off to completely wind down and switch off and just be yourself? So maybe you could agree a sort of gap year arrangement where you get to figure out what direction you want to point your life in, what would be a satisfying new pathway. Then afterwards you could get to doing some work your enjoy and pays you well enough that you can offer the same opportunity to your husband eventually?

@Noonereallyinteresing

why would they need a cleaner, laundrette service etc?

most people even with young families don’t

op’s eldest is 16. Almost an adult. They should now all be pulling their weight and contributing to the running of the household.

there is no excuses, op really should just get back to work

Not RTFT but I would do something self employed, cleaning probably the best bet. Cleaning holiday cottages gets £15-20 an hour and peoples homes £12-15.
much more profitable than a nmw job. Or find something you can easily sell on eBay or similar.

In my opinion and experience you have been working the last 18 years as a sahm.

Obviously, after 18 years of doing one role it must be daunting to think about doing other work. I was a sahm for 10 years and it was a bit scary going back to work. I freshened up my training and love being back at work.

However, is your DH willing to do housework? My brothers and my dad love and appreciate their wives being sahm. They know they would not be able to do the work they do if they didnt have someone running the home and looking after the kids.

Should be but generally don't.

You're setting a terrible example to your kids.

Just live off someone else. It's easy!