To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

I'd like not to work. Problem is, I wouldn't get paid.

I did have to pick up dc4 from school until she passed her driving test (certainly at 15) as we're quite rural and the bus service was cut/school 10 miles away but she used to have to go to the library/into a coffee shop and wait for me.

You're not unreasonable not to want to but if your kids are grown then you aren't a sahm anymore, you aren't actually doing any child rearing, you're just sponging off him. It's up to him whether he is happy to facilitate that. Maybe he wants more time at home now after being the only worker for so long. To refuse would be extremely selfish and unfair.

NocturnalMe

"Is the OP coming back?"

Of course not.

Probably at work, miserable in a job she hates but she can't give up because her husband wouldn't even lend her a fiver if she was stranded at the North Pole.

Or lurking on a dark basement room?

One or the other.

Why is it down to your DH to provide you you .He's going to have to work forever to support you .
Bet he'd love the option not to work

Honestly - I think it depends on the original “deal”. My friend has been a SAHM for many years as this has suited her DH and has enabled him to build up his business and travel whenever he needs to. She used to have a professional job she didn’t mind doing, but that was the call they made as a family. When he started telling her that she needed to get a job a decade later, I thought that was out of order: because he expected her to get a job that fitted round him and his business and didn’t involve him taking any more responsibility for the kids, That needed to be a conversation about how they redivided the load and how she would retrain and what weeks in the holidays he would be covering for childcare and who
dropped off the kids at school on a Thursday morning. Not “you must now earn money while you continue to facilitate me”.

This is similar to my situation at the moment. I have always worked part time since the birth of DS1 who is now 19 (we have 3 kids 19, 14 and 5) but took voluntary redundancy last Christmas. I had always done the bulk but not all of the childcare and housework/life admin which I didn't mind as I felt it was a fair split.
We agreed that I would take a year off funded by some of my redundancy money and DH fully supported this as he feels that I have earned it after 25 years in that job and it makes his life a bit easier as I now do more of the childcare and pretty much all the household stuff. The trouble is that he has now settled into this situation and is throwing himself into new projects and making plans that would not be feasible if I were to return to work.
For example he never has any time off (runs his own business) so I cover all the school holidays and our 2 school age kids have different holidays which makes this worse. When the eldest kids were younger we had help from grandparents but we no longer have that option.
At the moment I can't see how I would be able to go back to work next year or for the next few years until DD is older unless DH massively scales back his work but his business id doing well so it makes financial sense for him to keep going. We could probably afford for me to stay at home for a few years but I'm not sure if that's what I want to do as I don't like being dependant on DH and it will have a huge impact on my future employability and also my pension.

I do think you need to consider looking for something OP but probably part time at first as I'd imagine the bulk of the housework will still fall to you. I think once you've got over the initial hurdle (and I appreciate that must seem huge after so long at home) you'll be glad you did as it 'll provide you with company and purpose that you might have started to feel lacking as your children get older and more independent. If your husband starts insisting that you work full time I would point out that he will have to step up and do 50% of the housework and that's non negotiable.

This

For those suggesting a ‘balance sheet’ re. outsourcing ‘services’, @kahase72 hasnt yet returned to give any indication whether her DH already shares those tasks with her. Nor whether he has suggested PT or FT work. I’m fairly certain that with a 15yo, the OP would be able to cope with at least a PT role, to help support the household? She says she DOESN’T WANT to work, not that she has PH/MH reasons for not being able to do so?

A lot of people (not just on this thread) seem to be blissfully unaware of how the cost of living increases are going to affect them in the coming years, especially those who feel they are (currently) comfortable. The OP is, IMO, based on her one and only post, firmly deserving of a YABU vote.

What I've learnt from this thread is to never give up work unless my husband agrees that he cannot unilaterally send me off to a menial job when he decides I'm no longer useful at home

He probably doesn't "want" to subsidise your lifestyle now the kids are moving on - and why should he? I'm surprised he has been so appeasing for the past 18 YEARS! Its not like its been 10 years until your kids went to school. What have you been "doing" for the past decade whilst they were in education?!

This is such a middle class problem and I struggle to have any empathy here. You've been EXTREMELY lucky over the past few decades, compared to so many that have to scrape by every month with two incomes. Get up and to work ffs! Esp if husband isn't willing to do this anymore.

Actually I misread the OP's initial post - to read 'oldest was fifteen' so don't jump down my throat thanks.

However, doesn't negate the rest of my points - and the main one being that adolescents (yes that means fifteen year olds) have had one hell of a time - mental health wise, missing out on schooling, pandemic etc so I wouldn't be too quick to assume they don't need parenting!

Men who want SAH wives don't get to have their cake and eat it

You don't actually know that this is the OP's situation though do you? I know SAHMs who had to fight (not literally!) with their DH's to be SAHMs because the DHs were worried about the financial impact of losing a salary or the loss of security if the sole earner were to be made redundant.

Laziness ? It's nice to be supported without having the stress of having a job ? Maybe lack of confidence is preventing you ? Try it - you'll make new friends, improve self confidence and who knows ?

Wise. After a break sahm, It takes time to get something that works, breaks even and feels right. Getting back in to the workplace in a way that isn't pointless and depressing is the last chapter in that sahm "deal" but I bet it's not discussed as well as it needs to be.

I don’t know why some people are going on about op having to have a menial, minimum wage job like it’s really beneath her station

for all we know that may have been the kind of job she left in order to be a stay at home parent

it could well have been depending on the age she had her kids

@LuckySantangelo35 and also that a minimum wage job is somehow inferior to the exciting well paid career that OP would have had, had her wicked DH not forced her to stay at home for the past 16 years ....oh wait.

I'm 52 and I'd bloody love a wee no stress job. I wake up at night worrying about what could go wrong on my projects and I can't cope with the long days that are sometimes required.

Earning is earning. It's a very 21st century middle class concept that a job has to be enjoyable and fulfilling .

Exactly
I'll never understand the female entitlement of being SAHP. It seems to be just a privilege for women.
Why men can't choose being SAHP for a while, not putting up with "not liking" their boss, or lack of freedom or pressure or boredom etc? It's really unfair to be seen as the default provider.
Not just for you own pension, for your "just in case" he can't work, he becomes ill, or separates from you (which are obvious reasons) but because its common sense to treat your partner as a partner, and not wanting to enjoy life when someone is not enjoying to provide for you. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I don't get women thinking it's OK to live like in a 1950s set up for good.

Your kids are raised. They still need you and all that but you can be at home AFTER you have done your 8h day, you can start early (that's what I do).
Your husband provided for all of you for a really long time. It's time to do your bit. It's basic appreciation.

The OP is definitely not coming back.

@kahase72
So what your saying is you want to live of everyone else for the rest of your life, what a life to have, there's a name for people like you and its called poor lazy. Sorry but if your able to work you should be out working end off.

This.
You seem to be assuming everyone else wants to work.

Seems not.

I'm always a tad suspicious of threads where the OP asks advice about a personal situation but doesn't bother to respond or provide additional information.

Hunter gatherers work way less than us. About 10-15 hours a week. That is more evolutionary normal.

@TreePoser 100%. It feels very much like throwing older women on the scrap heap, not valuing their contribution and how hard it will be making they transition. It's all very well saying "get a job" but finding one that isn't low paid, menial and depressing is important too.

I wouldn't have come back either, given the vitriol exhibited by some self-righteous posters on this thread.

@spanishmumireland I know a few SAHDs. It usually makes sense for women to take the time out of their careers because of mat leave / breast feeding / earning less than men when they've been on maternity leave etc.

But then maybe people need to take some responsibility and plan for themselves and their circumstances. Perhaps staying out of the workplace for a long time and not maintaining skills is not such a great idea. The whole point is that the OP does not want to work, we have not been given any details to imply she wants to stay at home because she doesn't have the skills to do a particular job.