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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to work.

824 replies

kahase72 · 03/07/2022 01:06

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

OP posts:
NewYorkPleasecake · 03/07/2022 11:03

Silverswirl · 03/07/2022 01:29

If you don’t want to go back to work that’s fine but tricky I guess if your husband doesn’t want to be the only earner.
I have been a SAHM for 13 years and I never want to go back to fixed hours with someone telling me I have to be somewhere at a certain time.
I found a way to WFH self employed that lets me work when I want, for however long I want. Doesn’t bring in stacks of cash but it’s enough for luxuries like holidays, days out, expensive activities. I love it and can be out lots of days in the week socialising, go away for long weekends or over nights, go for walks with friends, attend every single event during the day my kids are in, volunteer at the school if my kids want me to help with their class, drop off and pick up every day which I love. Most of all it gives me a purpose during the days I’m at home, gives me a challenge and gives me focus for learning so many new skills

Which MLM are you recruiting for?

SilverGlitterBaubles · 03/07/2022 11:05

My DCs are a similar age and I really do not know what exactly I would do all day at home that would justify me not going to work. Clean house once a week, quick tidy up throughout the week, quick grocery shop maybe even online shop and what do you do with the rest of week? I can understand when DCs are young and the juggling plus costs of child care make working not feasible. The OPs post said they don't really need the money but it would be nice to have it. Then in my mind they are not as comfortable financially as they could be and her DH is asking for her help.

Blowthemandown · 03/07/2022 11:07

I can see why partner wants to share the load but will he share the chores/running the house then? Maybe he does already. In principle you are not being unreasonable in that it’s daunting after such a long break, but, with regard to on going income (pension etc) it might be needed? Why is he so keen?

stayingpositiveifpossible · 03/07/2022 11:08

stuntbubbles · 03/07/2022 09:51

School pick-ups for a 15-year-old? And how many working parents outsource the cooking? Budgeting: bills are likely already set up on direct debit. A cleaner isn’t going to cost £20k pa. Give over.

Show quote history

Adolescents missing out on schooling entirely due to the pandemic for ten months. Who fills in? Teacher's strike upcoming. Who fills in? We do. And a million other things that adolescents need our support with. Contrary to popular belief, they don't raise themselves. There are many absent parents that is true. I see their kids hanging around on streets corners doing drugs.

rc22 · 03/07/2022 11:08

Noonereallyinteresing · 03/07/2022 01:25

Is husband happy to pick up the slack with house keeping tasks when you are back in work? How much is a laundry service your area? How about a cleaner? Meal prep service? All things husband needs to consider!

This!! Discuss what he is going to be contributing in terms of cooking, shopping, cleaning etc when you go back to work!!

stayingpositiveifpossible · 03/07/2022 11:08

And/or worse.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 03/07/2022 11:09

Blowthemandown · 03/07/2022 11:07

I can see why partner wants to share the load but will he share the chores/running the house then? Maybe he does already. In principle you are not being unreasonable in that it’s daunting after such a long break, but, with regard to on going income (pension etc) it might be needed? Why is he so keen?

How much "load" is there when the youngest child is 15 years old?

NewYorkPleasecake · 03/07/2022 11:09

Margotshypotheticaldog · 03/07/2022 05:45

@Silverswirl
Mlm?
Op after 18 years out of the workplace it might not be your choice whether you go back to work or not.
You could always try to get some interviews and then deliberately scupper yourself ( as recommended in Motherland I think it was?)
Turn up drunk for the interview in your pjs and make a pass at the interviewer. Then claim to be baffled when your dh wonders why you can't get a job.

Had my MLM radar set off too. The bollocks they spout about "working round the books and crannies of my life" can be smelt a mile off

G5000 · 03/07/2022 11:16

I'm a high earner and yes we could live on my salary. Am I a douchebag then because I still believe DH should work and contribute?

Plus, teenagers are expensive. Unless the DH is making millions, I'm sure they can easily find use for any extra cash, so her contribution would most certainly benefit the family more than being able to do housework at her own leisure.

NocturnalMe · 03/07/2022 11:17

Is the OP coming back?

Crumpleton · 03/07/2022 11:17

Eightiesfan · 03/07/2022 10:35

OP, does work, she just doesn’t get paid for it. I bet her DH does absolutely nothing at home as all the housework and childcare has been done by her whilst she’s been a SAHM.

Maybe you need to have the conversation with your husband about the division of housework when you go back to work. Ask him about the days he wants to cook dinner, do the laundry, iron his shirts and the school uniform, clean the bathrooms and kitchen. Change the beds, taxi your DC, do the shopping and the numerous other jobs we all that your DH has taken for granted, or is he still expecting you do all that as well.

Let’s see how keen he’s on you going back to work after that convo!

Absolutely in agreement with this.
Bringing up children, as my DH says is a job in itself.
Having said that OP I wish I'd returned to work even between school hours, which incidentally I did do for x amount of years while the kids were younger but as the jobs ended I became a full time SAHM.
Outside of those hours I did everything cooking, cleaning, running the kids here and there and pretty much losing myself inbetween and having zero social life.
Have you thought about a few days a week as a starting point who knows it might lead to you enjoying it.
Just remember to make sure you have the conversation before you take anything on about sharing all household/child care chores and you working would be based on that agreement.
Cleaning and cooking is work just unpaid...unless you're a cleaner for a private residency/chef in a restaurant.

RollOnWinter · 03/07/2022 11:18

I was a SAHM for many years - I went back to work when son2 was 15.

MrsMontyD · 03/07/2022 11:21

stayingpositiveifpossible · 03/07/2022 09:44

Perhaps you might present your other half with a balance sheet detailing how much money it would cost to outsource the tasks that you do. Cleaner, cooking, budgeting, school pick ups etc. It's probably around 20 K a year.

I would assume the 15 year old can get home from school independently unless there's a major drip feed on its way.

TheKeatingFive · 03/07/2022 11:21

There are many absent parents that is true. I see their kids hanging around on streets corners doing drugs.

So unless teens have a SAHP they'll end up on drugs? C'mon now don't be ridiculous.

bridgetreilly · 03/07/2022 11:22

What if you got a part time job that brought in enough to allow him also to go part time? More free time together for you both to enjoy. Seems a lot fairer than him working full time while you don’t work at all.

Stroopwaffels · 03/07/2022 11:22

What’s it called when the op posts something they know will whip up a fury then disappears?

BellePeppa · 03/07/2022 11:26

I understand what you mean. I was at home for sixteen years and went back when my youngest started senior school. I went back because I had to though. There have been ups and downs with it (I’m more tired now so don’t do homey things I used to) but I also made a lovely friend I would never have met if I hadn’t worked. It also feels very good to have your own money. I do miss my old life of being at home but I work part time 4 days a week which is a good balance. I did have to re-hone my office skills and did a City & Guilds to get up to scratch.

GreekGod · 03/07/2022 11:29

Yes, you are being unreasonable and I have just voted. The point is he must want you to go back to work as he wants some of the pressure off of him. I have 3 teenagers. Things do get a lot easier as they get older. Unless you are able to pay your way through other sources of income, then I can see where he is coming from and his request is completely reasonable in my view.

Eightiesfan · 03/07/2022 11:31

ancientgran · 03/07/2022 10:42

Amazing, do you know them or just have some psychic ability to know what he has or hasn't done?

Show quote history

Not psychic, but have a wide group of friend, some who work and some who are SAHM and with the exception of a couple who I’d describe a ‘ladies that lunch’ they all do everything I mentioned, with little help from their DH, and almost none when they do not have a paid job.

This is not unusual, why are you so surprised, most men are lazy except when it involves their very important job.

Viviennemary · 03/07/2022 11:33

Of course you are being unreasonable. But if you can get away with it why not.

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 03/07/2022 11:33

Perhaps you might present your other half with a balance sheet detailing how much money it would cost to outsource the tasks that you do.

We never outsourced anything other than childcare and both worked. Outsourcing tasks isn't essential. It is possible to work and do domestic chores.

A 15 year old doesn't require childcare, and if as PP suggested there's a backstory (15 year old needs lift to school/does need care ), surely DH wouldn't be pushing the OP to go back to work.

My friends who didn't work spent their days playing golf/tennis/lunching/shopping once the children were at school. It's not like they were doing housework the whole time - those working manage to fit it in the housework although ironically didn't have as much leisure time as the SAHMs. So can't really blame them for not wanting to give up that lifestyle but can imagine their DPs resenting working their balls off to support someone living that lifestyle.

Wednesdayafternoon · 03/07/2022 11:34

I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel like that. You've worked hard with with 3 children all those years. Being a sahm isnt an easy ride! But at the same time, maybe you could have a look at some part time jobs as a starter and see what it is that you could be happy doing :)

Jalisco · 03/07/2022 11:35

What are the main reasons your DH wants you to work now? (as you say you don't really need the money).
Wow. If the situations were reversed we would be telling someone to dump the cocklodger. Perhaps her husband would like to not be the one who slaves away all the time for everyone else to spend the money he earns? It isn't about needing the money. It is about equality and self-respect. He doesn't have to justify why he doesn't want to continue being the household bank.

Seymour5 · 03/07/2022 11:36

NocturnalMe · 03/07/2022 11:17

Is the OP coming back?

Who knows! It'll be a pleasant surprise if she does...

LuckySantangelo35 · 03/07/2022 11:40

TheFeistyFeminist · 03/07/2022 11:03

I didn't work for a while (after leaving a job I hated) and the husband was clear that he didn't mind me earning less, didn't mind me being part-time, but felt that I should be doing "something" work-wise.

Presuming (I know, big leap) that your husband is the same, and that it's about fulfilment, rather than economics, there must be something that you would enjoy doing?

Dog walking, interior design, child minder? Not all jobs have to be office shops, shop jobs etc. You'll need a basic grasp of IT for any role these days, if you're self-employed you'll need a website and some book-keeping skills.

@TheFeistyFeminist

who is going to pay someone with no qualifications/training/experience in the field of interior design?! It’s a highly competitive field even for those who have been doing it for years

really, cloud cuckoo land on__ mumsnet sometimes