To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

OP, does work, she just doesn’t get paid for it. I bet her DH does absolutely nothing at home as all the housework and childcare has been done by her whilst she’s been a SAHM.

Maybe you need to have the conversation with your husband about the division of housework when you go back to work. Ask him about the days he wants to cook dinner, do the laundry, iron his shirts and the school uniform, clean the bathrooms and kitchen. Change the beds, taxi your DC, do the shopping and the numerous other jobs we all that your DH has taken for granted, or is he still expecting you do all that as well.

Let’s see how keen he’s on you going back to work after that convo!

Agreed. I have seen this situation become a deal breaker in quite a few relationships.

it does depend also on whether he’s thinking about you and what you want. If he’s insisting you go back to a nmw job and would not countenance you training for a new career or to get back to whatever you found before being a SAHM, then that’s a bit different.

This thread has me thinking about how many families in the generation before has lived easily off just one income, for the woman’s job to just be ‘extra’ income for treats. Very few under 35s have this option now do they! I’m quite jealous.

You could argue that her dh has paid his dues by being the sole provider all this time.

Or maybe he's been stuck in a job he hates supporting his wife to stay home doing very little for at least a decade, and now (rightly) expects things to change now the children now are more-than old enough to look after themselves?

Millions of people work for minimum wage - some of them even enjoy it. OP can't just opt out of work for the rest of her life just because she happened to be a SAHP for a few years. What's she going to do for the next 20-30 years until she retires - just sit at home and get her DH to pay for everything? How is that fair?

Amazing, do you know them or just have some psychic ability to know what he has or hasn't done?

Because her contribution as a SAHM ended long ago, that's why. DH has contributed for decades as well - can he just "opt out" now and pack his job in? Of course not, because the assessment that don't "need" money is based on him continuing to bring ££££ in to fund everybody. Nobody has the right to elbow another adult into funding them for their whole life.

Or he could absolutely hate it but as the sole wage earner doesn't want to risk moving to a new job in a new company where he'd be vulnerable for the first couple of years. Another income may allow him more flexibility.

This.

Yes you are being unreasonable. I also suspect you have lost confidence. There are some good women back to work organisations - have a look for those, and start planning what you want to do. It’s going to impact badly on your marriage if you don’t, and there’s a high chance you’ll enjoy it when you do. Might as well embrace it. also - cost of living crisis - you might need it more than you think.

So yes been a SAHM is a full time occupation, especially whilst the DC are younger. But know they are older & gaining more independence OP could consider even a part time role to reflect not only the changing family demands but also to set an example for the DC, who can see that people need to work, balance priorities and start to realise they are now part of a bigger picture.

@AprilRae91 I am 50 and very few of my age or at leasr ten years older do either. The OP is a rare bird.

So for 18 years she's been able to stay at home, for at least 10 of those years children have been at school so she has had 30 hrs a week to herself and if a house can't easily be run in 30 hrs a week it must be a mansion. How many working parents, particularly single parents, manage to do a fulltime job and do the house and kids stuff as well and because she's been able to do that for 18 years she shouldn't have to make an effort to earn some money for the rest of her life? How about for 18 years he's supported 5 people and it's time he had some help?

“OP, does work, she just doesn’t get paid for it. I bet her DH does absolutely nothing at home as all the housework and childcare has been done by her whilst she’s been a SAHM.”

oh come off it. What ‘work’ is she doing as the sahm of near adult children who are likely to be out of the house the majority of the time. This isn’t an example of someone with under 5s doing childcare. Why is it fair for her DH to be solely responsible for working at this point of their lives?

My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to

Well tough. Get off your backside and start helping your DH out!

My mum never worked.

I mean, she worked a couple of jobs before my older sister was born, but then never worked a "proper" job again.
When I was a young-ish teen, she and her sisters inherited a property from their grandparents, an indoor market hall. She and one sister took over the running of the place, and every friday would go up to collect the stallholders rent and do any admin.

That was the closest thing she ever had to a "job" while I was growing up. Then my dad took early retirement at 50, and that was that!

I'm 70 next year and none of my friends or family were able to stay at home for 18 years, all needed two jobs to keep the family going. Not to mention that in the 70s I didn't have a freezer, automatic washing machine, tumble dryer. In other words housework was harder and took longer.

Imagine if the thread was that the OPs DH decided that he didn't want to work anymore he would be slated. He is not being unreasonable to expect the O

I think you should try to find a job (good luck with that after 18 years out of work!) because I absolutely wouldn't want to be financially reliant on someone who resents being the sole earner.

But I think your dh is being a complete douchebag for insisting if you don't need the money.

Im a sahm and now my youngest is in yr6 I tried to find a job, just part-time to fit around school hours - it was very demoralising. School hour jobs are nigh on impossible to find and jobs in actual schools (I really don't want to work in a school anyway) seem to be snapped up and I suspect are more about who you know. I applied for a few low-paid retail type jobs and didn't even get an interview. Ultimately although part of me would like to return to work it's difficult as we go on holiday a lot and also I would still need to be there for the youngest during holidays and sickness. When most jobs only offer 4 weeks holiday it just isn't realistic. There would also still obviously be all the wifework/household stuff to do - and my dh certainly wouldn't have time for that with the long hours he works. I am not prepared to go out to work and then come home and spend hours cleaning/cooking every night too.

We are lucky - we don't need the money either, it was more something I felt like I "should" do than wanted to do. I'm also lucky that my dh is supportive and when we discussed it he is just happy Forme to do what suits me. He also very much appreciates my role in the home and likes coming home to a clean house, home cooked dinner and everything domestic-wise being sorted by me. If he suddenly turned around and said "you need to get a job now" after I've spent 20 years of my life bringing up our dc's and doing all the domestic stuff/mental load (and losing out on the earning potential that provides) I'd probably just divorce him and take half.

I don't want to work (anymore), but then I've done 36 years full time and 2 @ 24 hours, as well as everything in the home and brought the children up pretty much alone whilst DH was building his career. I have always told my children and their partners to never ever be dependent on another financially.

DH is happy to support me giving up work now, he says I deserve it. I have full access to his income and pension of my own which would support me from 60 until death.

I understand your anxiety OP, but I really do think you need to be building up some NI contributions for your future state pension and contributing to the family finances.

I've always worked, and love going to work, so my view is probably a bit biased. I did take some time out of employment when DD was young as my EXH didn't really take any responsibility for nursery drop offs and pick ups (he always left for work before 7am and didn't return until after nursery closing time, & maintained that he couldn't do any drop offs or pick ups). Unfortunately, in my role I had to travel and the stress of being late for appointments or panicking because I was stuck in traffic trying to get back, caught up with me and I had to give it up.

I became a SAHM and became self employed, creating businesses out of hobbies. It obviously didn't generate huge incomes as I had a baby to look after as well. Unfortunately, marriage failed, and suddenly, after a decade of always being able to support myself, I was thrown into having to arrange IVA's because EXH refused maintenance (I left the family home & he had to pay the mortgage)and having to rely on my parents who I was living with.

12 years on, I have my career back, I remarried and we bought a home together a few years ago. In comparison to my husband's salary, I earn a pittance and we could manage without my salary. The only way that I would ever put my entire financial future in my DH's hands is if I were terminally ill. I trust him implicitly, but having no income of your own makes you completely vulnerable.

Isnt it just.

I don’t think there’s any glory in going to work for money personally.
I think there’s this huge agenda being pushed right now and people are being forced back into the workplace by the engineered cost of living crisis which just so happened to coincide with lots of people in their early 50s being able to access their pensions, clear their mortgage and enjoy their lives.

But I think your dh is being a complete douchebag for insisting if you don't need the money.

I wonder if you'd say the same if it was a man refusing to work after two decades staying home. Would a woman be a "douchebag" for not wanting to support him for another two decades or more?

Paid her dues to the family? Maybe he's paid his dues by financially providing so that she can be a SAHM to teenagers. Even with all the housework, she must have a wonderful amount of free time.

But either way, I don't think family really works like that "nope, I've paid my dues, I'm done now. You keep on working and I'll just relax. I've done my part and I'm not doing any more."

I didn't work for a while (after leaving a job I hated) and the husband was clear that he didn't mind me earning less, didn't mind me being part-time, but felt that I should be doing "something" work-wise.

Presuming (I know, big leap) that your husband is the same, and that it's about fulfilment, rather than economics, there must be something that you would enjoy doing?

Dog walking, interior design, child minder? Not all jobs have to be office shops, shop jobs etc. You'll need a basic grasp of IT for any role these days, if you're self-employed you'll need a website and some book-keeping skills.