To not want to work.

[kahase72]

Hi. I’m a housewife currently. I have 3 DC, youngest 15. I’ve been out of work for about 18 years to take care of my DC. My DH wants me to go back to work now theyre more independent but I don’t want to. We don’t really NEED money, but it would be nice to have it. AIBU to not go back?

It feels a bit like she's been expected to give up work to provide a nurturing role and now the kids are grown up, that doesn't matter and she should go work on a till in Tesco. Hasn't she paid her dues to the family?

He doesn't get to declare when and where she should be working at his convenience.

But she also doesn't just get to decide that he has to support her forever as she never wants to work again! It goes both ways.

YANBU to not want to work (I'd give up my job in a heartbeat if I won the lottery) but your DH is NBU to express his wishes and to ask that you take on some of the financial load.

You need to have a serious talk with your DH and discuss (1) why he wants you to get a job and (2) why you don't want to return to work. Could you come to some form of a compromise and look for voluntary work (if money is not an issue) or part-time work? Resentment can chip away at a relationship.

No. Sorry, it doesn't work like that.

Why not? It worked for the family then. It doesn't now.

No one has a right to be supported by another person if that person isn't willing.

This. Never quite understood this attitude. Seems entitled to me. Get some self respect.

Wow.
You do realise many people have no option but to work minimum wage mins numbing jobs to pay the bills.

In this scenario minimum wage with low taxes could make a big difference to the overall comfort of the family or be put towards retirement. Even if the DH is a big earner, unless he has been with one company for a long time, he's unlikely to have an amazing pension.

Many people have to work minimum wage jobs just to get by and they don't have a choice about it. The OP has had choice for many many years, and now her DH wants her to contribute just a little bit and you think this kind of work is beneath her? A low wage might be "sod all" to you but at least it would be money of her own. She actually has sod all right now, because she's living entirely off someone else.

And you're a rude, judgmental cow bag of that comments indicative of how you treat people

That argument lacks logic. Otherwise you could just as easily say hasn’t he already paid his dues to the family, by providing materially whilst the children were going up. They have both made contributions in the past. Why should he be the only one that has to continue to make contributions going forward.

But in any case, I tend to feel that the main reason she should look into getting back to work, is not for him or the family anyway, but for herself and protecting her own future.

It doesn't matter what anyone on MN says, it's between you and your DH. But you asked so ....

I can see both sides. You enjoy not working and don't want or need to return. Why would you want to give up an easier life for a harder one?

Your DH has been the sole earner so that you could raise the family. Now that the family is older, perhaps he'd appreciate not having all the pressure of earning on him? Or would like the option to work less?

An colleague of mine is the age that a lot of people are taking early retirement as we have good work pensions. He is exhausted but says he can't leave as his wife has expensive tastes and wouldn't appreciate the drip income. She's not worked since they had children, and they are now in their 20s/30s. I'm not saying for one minute that you're like that but I do feel sorry for men in that position.

You cannot independently choose to be financially supported by another adult if they are not happy to financially support you.

Absolutely this.
You need to find a job

@PurpleSky300 people work those jobs because they have to, not because they want to. The OP's family don't need the money. She's also contributed for two decades - bringing up three children and running a household - why should she be turfed out to earn a few quid now he's decided she should?

I think OP is getting badly served here.Many other boards have recognised that being a SAHM is NOT a holiday off work!

But she's not a SAHM anymore and hasn't been for some time! Her DC have been in school for 10 years now. Her youngest child is 15 years old!

I completely accept that being at home with a baby or small children, or and older child with SEND, is NOT a holiday off work. I think most people accept that. But let's not kid ourselves, being at home full time when your youngest is in Year 11 absolutely IS a holiday off work! Meanwhile OP's DH has shouldered the physical and emotional burden of being the only earner for 18 years.

Are they staffed at MNHQ on Sundays? I wonder if that's why these threads are so often started on weekends?

You've said you don't need the money but it would be 'nice to have'. I've been in this situation and got myself a job. The extra money has become more valuable than I expected , with teenagers and the expenses that come with uni fees. And also Grandchildren coming along. Having this money I've earned myself to pay for non essentials and treats for the family has become really important to me.

I understand not wanting to work but it's a pot of pressure being the only person in the family bringing in money so now the child raising is complete I understand your DH wanting you to be bringing some money in too.

It is worth pointing out to him that if you're working he'll probably need to do more house work (I have made an assumption it's mostly you doing this as it normally falls to stay at home parent).

Work can be fulfilling, it's just a case of finding the right job.

He probably has a fulfilling career where he's valued, if he's been able to financially provide for the family. There's huge discrepancy in what his working life will feel like day to day and hers if she has to go and work on NMW doing something mind numbing (to her)

As much as anything, relying on a partner for your finances leaves you wide open to vulnerability. What if he dies/leaves/gets sick. Agree that after raising kids - going to work a menial job isn't an inspiring choice. Work with meaning is extremely fulfilling and I bloody love what I do. Ill never retire unless I have to 😂Since you dont 'need the money' is there anything you've always wanted to study? A vocation? A hobby you've never had time to do more with? Maybe you could see if there's a possibility of a few years to gain skills and experience with maybe a better paid job at the end?

I’ve just gone back to 2 days a week after 16 years as a full time mum. I have done some voluntary work during that time when I can but was keen to go back to something now my daughter is 16 and needs me less. We fortunately don’t need the money either as my husband could earn in one days overtime more than I could in a month full time, but it’s nice to use it for something useful or special. For me it was about being amongst other people for a few days, having an identity away from the home and having something for myself. I think it’s done my mental health wonders too not that I have any problems there but I feel quite invigorated. It’s also returned my self confidence after being at home for so long so it can be a positive thing, even if you just get something part time.

Ok, if we accept your comment, then so has he. He might not want to work either now. They’ve both been working hard for 20-odd years, so who gets to put their feet up?

Why do they need a cleaner, laundry service or meal prep service?
We both work full time without any of those things with 3 children youngest is 2 and we manage so I'm not sure why others can't.
I think it would be reasonable to go part time if you are doing the majority of the housework though, is your husband aware how much work round the house you do? If you've always done it and are happy to do it part time is fairer.
You say you don't need to work but the cost of living is only going to get higher so any extra money will benefit your family

The truth hurts. Lots of people are quick to call blokes 'cocklodgers' the minute they don't pull their weight, but a woman can stay at home for nearly twenty years (long after being a SAHM) and still expects DH to keep providing for her because she doesn't want to work?

You're damn right I'm judgemental - because it''s ridiculous, entitled and totally unfair to expect another adult to fund your life forever simply because you CBA now that you're older. And I'd never treat anybody like that.

@roarfeckingroarr

if that’s the case then presumably her husband can now just quit his job and kick back cos he’s paid his dues to his family?

get a job Op

I have not RTFT so apologies if asked before OP but can you explain why your DH wants you to go back to work? Is it purely financial or because he thinks it would be good for you? Good for your relationship? Every situation is unique but personally I don't think my DH would have much respect for me if my DCs were grown up and I stayed at home just because I didn't want to work while expecting him to carry 100% of the financial burden. Is your DH perhaps concerned about the cost of living crisis, increasing bills and mortgage costs and would like you to help contribute a bit?

Since he's no longer happy to be the sole earner things have to change.