My DC don't know about my 1st marriage

[playthesweetclarinet]

So I have been married to my wonderful DH for 20 years and we have 2 DC aged 18 and 16. However, I was married before for around 5 years when I was in my 20's. My DC do not know this, AIBU to think I need to tell them? I don't want them to think I am hiding things from them.

Same boat. Not even sure I need to but don't want it to be a shock

Please do. My mum kept it hidden from me and I found photos of her at my Nans getting married to someone who was not my dad!!

Why? it was a long time ago before you got re married.

That kind of thing would have naturally come up in conversations in our house, my kids are a nosy lot!

I remember finding out my mum had been married before . I was hurt, I think by the secret rather than the previous marriage.

Does you ex have children? They are you childrens half siblings!!! Yes, they need to know. I'd think better to find out now and have the opportunity to ask questions, than once you have gone like on finding my ancestor type shows years on!!!

Erm what? The OP's children are with her current husband, even if her ex has children then there is zero relationship with her children. What a bizarre comment.

They aren't her kids half siblings, you need a blood parent in common for that. They aren't even step subs given they all came after the marriage had ended. You aren't related to people just because before any of you were born your respective parents had a relationship.

Op I'd tell them but I na matter of fact way. It has never come up because it never came up but now they're approaching adulthood you thought they should know, that people can make choices and change their mind and move on etc.

@MarmiteCoriander how would they be half siblings? There’d be no genetic link at all.

OP’s ex’s children aren’t her DC’s half-siblings (unless they’re the OP’s children too, which she’d probably have mentioned)! If her exH had children in a subsequent relationship, they’re no relation at all to OP’s children (or OP herself).

I found this out about my mum when I was about 15. I was upset but didn't really know why, tje secrecy of it more than the fact of it certainly.

My parents would have been married about 18 years when I found out. They are now at 45 years. Over that time I've spoken to my mum about it a bit more and she's really ashamed of it. It makes me sad to think that she is ashamed of something she has no need to be ashamed of but she doesn't want to really talk about it again.

It will be worse for your DC if they ever find out by accident.

I see I was a bit slower than others to jump on that comment! 😁

I told my 8 year old DD recently about my marriage as she made a joke about me never finding a husband. She was both shocked and fascinated that I'd been married before especially as I didn't marry her dad (thank goodness). Now she quizzes me about it all the time 🙄.

This happened in my family. My mums brother had been married before and his children didn't know but my sister and I did know.

And we didn't know that they didn't know.

It all came out when they were 16 and 19 when someone else mentioned it in passing.

Our cousins couldn't believe that we had always knows and we couldn't believe that they didn't!

It didn't cause any falling out or drama but it was a really odd situation.

You are certainly not the only one to do this. Personally I think it's a mistake. The chances are they will find out eventually.

I've sort of slid it into the conversation a couple of times but DD didn't pick it up. So it's not a 'secret' but its still weird.

It's difficult because her friend's parents' divorces have been a big deal and so me having been divorced does rather introduce the idea that I don't have sticking power.

Apologies. I had read it wrong and agree, obliviously not half siblings- even if the ex had children.

Start drip-feeding and let them know at some point. No one appreciates a big surprise like this about someone they are close to.

My gran (mum’s mum) was married before she married my grandad and on my mum’s marriage certificate it clearly states her previous married name in the bit with the parents’ details.

My dad has been married before and never mentioned it to me! Heard my mum shouting about it in an argument once. Very weird they never told me especially as my older half sibling knew! Made no difference to my life!

the more you don't say anything the more it becomes a mystery as to why you kept it secret

I only found out my mum had been previously married when I picked up a copy of my birth certificate which said that she was a widow at the time she married my dad. It was a shock, but it was the secret rather than the fact. It didn't change our relationship for the worse, far from it, but I do wish I'd known sooner (although I get why she didn't tell us when we were children due to the circumstances in which she became widowed). I'd tell them before they find out by accident.

This is the kind of thing that only becomes a big deal if it seems to have been a secret.

It isn’t really a big deal, is it?

Just drop it into conversation.

I don't understand why it hasn't cropped up naturally in conversations about your life. Not mentioning it makes it into a 'something'.

All families I know where a parent was married before have dropped it in to conversation along the way and it's just part of their parents life story.

I'd feel quite disconcerted if I'd found out that one of my parents had deliberately that a secret.

So yes, I think telling them now is the right thing to do

My Sister in law died last year, she never told her 4 children (all in their 30s) that she had been married before and made sure nobody else told them, i never understood her reasoning. Her children were shocked when her first Husband turned up at the funeral. They still can't get over being lied to/ Please tell your children