My DC don't know about my 1st marriage

[playthesweetclarinet]

So I have been married to my wonderful DH for 20 years and we have 2 DC aged 18 and 16. However, I was married before for around 5 years when I was in my 20's. My DC do not know this, AIBU to think I need to tell them? I don't want them to think I am hiding things from them.

Tell them because otherwise they'll find out from someone else. And also so what if you were married to someone else? What's the secret?

My DF had a previous marriage. We were told when I was in my early 20 s as a family member had unwittingly let the cat out of the bag.I was surprised but I didn't feel resentful in any way. I thought it was his story to tell if he wished to. DSis felt the same.My DH on the other hand got terribly worked up about the deceit.

What?

Slightly different situation but my exh's mum didn't tell his half sibling that they had different dads. And she took it to the extreme, when my exh was in hospital with a mystery and serious condition she started rattling off the stepdads medical history because the half sibling was in the room! Which clearly was useless because there was no blood or genetic connection between my ex and his stepdad! She also refused to tell my ex where his birth certificate was and was extremely obstructive in him getting a replacement, meaning when it was time for us to get married we nearly couldn't because he couldn't provide it. Her logic was the half sibling might come across it (we were living in a different house an hour away from them).

Eventually my ex insisted the sibling needed to be told and it became a huge big deal and sit down conversation. Luckily the sibling took it really well and said it didn't make any difference, his brother was still his brother but it could have been so different. Now THAT was handled badly for sure!

It's nothing to do with them, I think it would be weird to tell them! And unnecessary.

Please tell them sooner rather than late. I had a friend who found out her dm had been married before and she was really upset. It wasn't so much the fact that she had, so much as it never being mentioned so when the family friend commented "of course your dm was on her second marriage at your age" and she felt that everyone knew except her and she'd been lied to.

A quick mention of it by her dm when she was 15/16yo would have had no more than a passing interest.

@SarahAndQuack
Do you know the OP from another thread? Otherwise I'm confused. How do you know she feels these things?

It's not rocket science Sarah

OP said she is in a very happy marriage with her DH for over 20 years and describes a 5 year 1st marriage in her early 20s , the rest follows ...

OP will be worried about how her teens react which is why most sensible people would phrase it in a similar way to what I suggested ..
It literally is a platitude way to say something to her teenagers that also explains why she waited until now . Many of us on here have teenagers!! )We are the teenager whisperers!)

I doubt it is a secret in most cases, just something that doesn't come up. There are lots of things like dd doesn't know about me and I don't have any secrets, I just don't talk that much about the past.

I found out my dad had been married before when I was in my mid-teens. I came across my parents' marriage certificate and it noted his marital status as 'divorced'. I didn't feel able to ask him about it because it was clearly a secret. Instead I asked my grandparents if it was true and if he'd had any other children (he hadn't). It wasn't a huge deal but I remember it was quite unsettling somehow and I do wish he'd let me know himself. He happened to mention it a few years later and was surprised I already knew.

They are not half siblings!

Interesting, I wouldn't have concluded those things at all!

I do see your point that, if she's going to tell them, it would be good to have some kind of logic to explain why this is the right time, absolutely.

But, she's not said why her first marriage ended, has she? It could be he was abusive, for all we know. She shouldn't have to claim that being abused made her worthy of her current lovely DH, should she? Isn't there room to say 'actually, I got married and it didn't work out. Sometimes, things don't work out. But, it's all for the best, because now I have your dad and I have you'. I don't follow why you think she needs to claim that her previous marriage 'made her the woman she is', or why she needs to claim she 'knew their dad was right for her when she met him'? Why do you think she ought to have know this?!

Yes do tell them.

You need to tell them.

I honestly don't think they have any need to know. It doesn't make any difference to their lives.

I just sat mine down and said "I'm going to tell you something about me that you don't know...". Both kids (teens) took it without a problem. One said ok and then asked 'what's for tea?'. The other asked a few harmless questions. Neither have mentioned it since.

I would find a way to tell them if you can. I remember when I was 12 doing a school project on family history and asking to see my parents marriage certificate. I was so shocked to find out my Mum was divorced before she met my Dad. I know it seems like it shouldn't affect you if it happened before you were born, and this person was long since out of her life, but it made me feel like I didn't know my Mum at all. I don't think it needs to be a huge deal, but it's better for them to be told directly rather than find out about it after you are gone.

I think it also made it easier for her as I got older that she was able to talk about it to me rather than having to keep it a secret. She gave me some helpful relationship advice based on her own experiences.

I am also in this position as I was married briefly in my late teens. My DS is only 6 so I don't feel the need to do it yet but I was reminded last week when looking through some old photos at my parents house. DS could easily see them or see mine and DH's wedding cert which clearly says I was divorced. I think I will drop it into conversation before he reaches his teens as it isn't a big deal but seems like one of those things that could blow up e.g. DH obviously knows but also my parents could mention it or even my BIL who knew first DH so it could come out incidentally.

I have wondered when to tell my daughter about this since she is fairly young at the moment. What is an appropriate age? We don’t have any family around that would tell her by accident but I am not ashamed and wouldn’t hide it either.

Not sure why this is such a concern, especially with older children. My husband of 25 years was married before, and my kids found out as a result of a passing comment. They were taken aback (that we could have possibly led lives before them, and possibly that it had never been mentioned) but were not fazed by it particularly. The first marriage was childless, maybe if it wasn't there would have been more of a thing to think about. But no drama needed when there was never any to start with, surely?

My DS is 17, I've never told him I was married before, not sure why I need to.
It doesn't affect him, it changes nothing, my ex has no meaning to him.
Are we not allowed to have skeletons in our closet any more? Must we tell everyone everything now?

I don’t understand why we have to tell kids everything. I can’t see the importance, unless there are half siblings. I have been married before. My eldest knows because it cropped up in conversation. I don’t plan to make an announcement to my youngest child. I can’t see why it would upset anyone.

I found out as an adult my dad had been married before in his early 20s.
I don't think it was kept from me on purpose as my sister new, it was just something never mentioned.

I was shocked at first cause my parents have been together so long I had that vision of them being meant for each other only (not sure why, they annoy each other so much). Now I just make jokes about how did my dad get two women to marry him!

I think it depends on how old your kids are - teens or adults id tell them. I flung out cause I was talking about a friends divorce and dad chimed in with when I got divorced.

I found about my mum's first marriage by total coincidence when I was a teenager. It was awful

why was it awful?! How did it impact you?

i had a boyfriend for ten years before I married my husband. Should i disclose this to my eight year old..?

My dad was married straight out of uni, divorced a few years later. Parents didn’t tell us, but also didn’t hide it. My sister found the divorce certificate in the kitchen drawer one day when we were teenagers. It wasn’t a big deal and didn’t change anything for us. Ultimately it worked as a good life story of why not to marry so young in most cases. If you plan to hide it forever then that’s maybe odd, but you could use it when they’re older as a life example when they can understand a bit better.

I have referred to it in the past as ''in a previous life'' if a relevant topic has come up, but its never really been hidden or been a sole topic of conversation. I have no DC with the fellow.

DD and I bumped into him once at a local schools event. I actually didn't recognise him at the time, just thought it was some random saying hello and then I looked closer. DD was there and she asked me who it was and so i said of that is ..... who I was married to before I met your Dad.

Is there any reason why you feel you have to bring it up?