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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DC don't know about my 1st marriage

127 replies

playthesweetclarinet · 02/07/2022 21:56

So I have been married to my wonderful DH for 20 years and we have 2 DC aged 18 and 16. However, I was married before for around 5 years when I was in my 20's. My DC do not know this, AIBU to think I need to tell them? I don't want them to think I am hiding things from them.

OP posts:
Afterfire · 03/07/2022 08:27

Surprised people find this such a huge deal!

Both my dc aged 10 and 19 know I was married before. I’ve actually been engaged 3 times and married twice 😆🙈 I’ve been with now dh for a very, very long time but we all just laugh about it. It’s no big deal at all. It’s important for dc to realise their parents are human and have pasts too!

They know my ex dh was an absolute idiot and they occasionally hear random stories about how useless/ shite he was and we all laugh.

Its only a big deal if you make it one!

Bigoldmachine · 03/07/2022 08:28

Please tell them. I can understand how it hasn’t come up but you have to make it come up because the longer you don’t tell them the worse it will be when they do find out.

as others have said it’s not the fact you were married before that will be a shock, more that there is a big part of your life you haven’t told them about. It feels like a big deal to a kid.

I was about 9 when I found out my dad had been married before. I was asking my mum about a couple we knew And their church wedding, and looking at mum and dads wedding pictures. Mum said she would have liked to get married in a church but couldn’t because my dad had been married before. I was so shocked and had lots of questions. But they were very young, no children etc. Married a short time.

im glad I knew though. When my nanna died (I was an adult) and I helped my dad sort her house, I found she had kept a wedding picture of my dad and his first wife stuffed down the back of a bookcase. Plus a few other pictures of them on holiday together and with my nanna with her arms around the ex wife. That would have been a much worse way to find out!

so yes just drop it into conversation!

artisanbread · 03/07/2022 08:28

Limoncello7 · 03/07/2022 02:07

I found about my mum's first marriage by total coincidence when I was a teenager. It was awful

why was it awful?! How did it impact you?

i had a boyfriend for ten years before I married my husband. Should i disclose this to my eight year old..?

There is more of a formality to marriage so it's more likely they will find out anyway by chancing across paperwork or if they ever join family history sites. Although I don't think it's weird to talk about previous serious relationships that weren't marriage either. have mentioned former boyfriends to my DC too, in a "I had a life before Dad" kind of way.

welshladywhois40 · 03/07/2022 08:30

I will tell my children and will try and frame it from a life lesson perspective. I was desperately unhappy in my marriage and terrified about upsetting my mum by leaving. Wasted years of my life

RainCoffeeBook · 03/07/2022 08:52

MarmiteCoriander · 02/07/2022 22:04

Does you ex have children? They are you childrens half siblings!!! Yes, they need to know. I'd think better to find out now and have the opportunity to ask questions, than once you have gone like on finding my ancestor type shows years on!!!

Please tell us stories of what it's like to be this thick 🤣

DistrictCommissioner · 03/07/2022 08:56

I don’t really get how it hasn’t come up before! My kids know that I had a previous long term relationship because I did XYZ in the years I was living with him etc.

my dad was married before he married my mum, I don’t remember finding out about his ex wife, it was always just a part of his life story.

Cuckoo48 · 03/07/2022 09:02

You must tell them. My cousin only found out that his mum had been married before when he started looking into the family tree and found two marriage records for his mum (very unusual surname and the right town so he was fairly certain). How do you broach that with your 80 year old mum when you're a man of 50? Very awkward.

It turned out she had been widowed after only a couple of years of marriage, so I suppose that's why she hasn't wanted to discuss it, but her children were all very shocked that this whole side of their mum had been something that was brushed away for their entire lives. She had been visiting his grave in secret at Christmas and on birthdays for decades but hidden her sadness from everyone.

EnterACloud · 03/07/2022 09:05

I wonder if it’s OP’s husband and the husbands of some of the women mentioned in this thread who wanted it kept quiet. She sounds like she wants to tell.

For others I guess there is shame, I know my dad regrets his first marriage even though it doesn’t matter at all and no one else cares.

Limoncello7 · 03/07/2022 09:34

This thread is classic MN, reminding me how mucked up some people are emotionally. Not being able to talk about stuff

What's shameful is it's not just old, previous generations, but still going on by current day mums

People can decide what they want to/don’t want to disclose about themselves. There’s nothing shameful about it. No one has a right to full disclosure if it doesn’t affect them.

No one has explained why kids need to know this. I mean I’m a bit of an open book so if I had been married (I haven’t) before I’d probably talk openly about it personally but if someone doesn’t want to talk about it then why on earth should they be made to??

Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2022 11:39

Whereismumhiding4 · 03/07/2022 06:33

How exactly were the "lied" to? Not being told something is not being lied to.

It is a lie by omission
Those other stories from mum or dads life will have had a chunk missing. When they are old enough is the right tile to mention it- and only OP and DH can judge is the right time to tell - as it no one likes to be kept in the dark deliberately as an adult.

@Aquamarine1029
In the case that you quoted the PP talked about how her niece and nephews aged 30 felt to find it out after their mum had died. By the time they were adults there was no reason not to tell them and to keep something that is a fact of life a secret , that sometimes people are married before and it doesn't work out . They would have been surprised but understood the reason- that mum didn't want to talk about it or unsettle them at the time when they were younger. But unless they were midst a MH crises there would be no reason not to tell them once adults.

There is a reason not to tell them if the person involved doesn't want their children to know. No one has the right to judge their reasons. There could have been abuse, coercion, etc, and it may be a very painful chapter in the person's life. Children are not entitled to know every single thing about their parent's past.

bridgetreilly · 03/07/2022 11:44

Well, obviously you need to tell them. Preferably about ten years ago, but today is the next best time.

Limoncello7 · 03/07/2022 11:45

Well, obviously you need to tell them

why???? Please someone substantiate this for me!!

balalake · 03/07/2022 11:48

I think you should tell them. What if ever they were to meet the first husband, or assuming he has remarried and like you had a family, one of his children tells them?

My mum's cousin only found out his dad had been married before at his mum's funeral. Circumstances were different (house bombed in the war, first wife killed), but even so a shock and not something you want to find out expectedly.

SheepingStandingUp · 03/07/2022 12:11

balalake · 03/07/2022 11:48

I think you should tell them. What if ever they were to meet the first husband, or assuming he has remarried and like you had a family, one of his children tells them?

My mum's cousin only found out his dad had been married before at his mum's funeral. Circumstances were different (house bombed in the war, first wife killed), but even so a shock and not something you want to find out expectedly.

But how would they know it was their Mom's ex and why would it matter? Neither of them would know so literally nothing would happen.

On if they happened to fall in love with one of his kids, meet the parents would be weird but what are the chances. And you'd then just explain and that would be it. A funny anecdote at the wedding.

ClinkeyMonkey · 03/07/2022 12:18

Limoncello7 · 03/07/2022 11:45

Well, obviously you need to tell them

why???? Please someone substantiate this for me!!

I would really like to know this too. I genuinely don't understand why they need this information. Everyone had a life before they had children. I think it's up to each individual what they decide to share with their children, unless it directly affects them in some way.

ShaneTwane · 03/07/2022 12:30

Why are we on page 5 and no one has given an actual answer as to why it's any of their business? Do you feel entitled to know everything about your parents private lives? Do you think your kids to need to know about these things before they were born too?
Ex partners whom you never married,
One night stands?
One time you had a pregnancy scare with an ex?
An abortion you once had as a teen?
Any operations you might of had before they came along?
All dates you went on before meeting their father?
Anyone you had a crush on before you met their father?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2022 12:37

ShaneTwane · 03/07/2022 12:30

Why are we on page 5 and no one has given an actual answer as to why it's any of their business? Do you feel entitled to know everything about your parents private lives? Do you think your kids to need to know about these things before they were born too?
Ex partners whom you never married,
One night stands?
One time you had a pregnancy scare with an ex?
An abortion you once had as a teen?
Any operations you might of had before they came along?
All dates you went on before meeting their father?
Anyone you had a crush on before you met their father?

The reason no one has given an answer is because there isn't one. Unless there are half-siblings involved, your parent's romantic past is none of your business. All of this "they must know" nonsense is absurd. No, they don't. Not when the parent wants to keep it private.

murmuration · 03/07/2022 12:40

BackT · 03/07/2022 07:10

My dad was married before which I've always known about.

I'd just tell them in a casual sort of way.
"Do you know I was married before? I do rarely think about it but it's just occurred to me that you guys might not even know!"

I think this is a good way to go about it.

This thread has made me think - DH was married before and I literally have no idea if 10yo DD knows. It’s not like we’ve been keeping it secret, more it’s basically irrelevant to our lives now.

I do think I once said to DD not to use the purple thank you notes for presents from DH’s family, because they were left over from his first wedding, but no clue if that stuck in her head and we used those up several years ago now. DH said they would be fine to use and his parents wouldn’t remember, but I thought it best to just use them for others - so we did have a small conversation around it. So maybe she will have remembered.

I’ll need to ask someday.

artisanbread · 03/07/2022 12:48

We can only speak from our own experiences. As a child who didn't know their mother was previously married, it came as a shock to me to find out she was. I was 12. I can only imagine that it would have been even more of a shock if I had stumbled upon the information as an adult. Or if another family member had accidentally let slip. I genuinely think it would have been easier for us both if she had mentioned it in passing from when I was a young age.

As I explained upthread, it also benefited my DM as she was able to talk about it every now and again, eg when I was having my own relationship issues, rather than feeling she had to keep it a secret from me.

Nerdymummy · 03/07/2022 13:51

I think I was about 10 when I found out about my dad's previous marriage, I saw parents wedding certificate which said he was divorced.
My parents are very much people who won't talk about unpleasant topics, if something happens which is upsetting it was expected we would never discuss again. I would tell your children especially if not a big deal. By not mentioning it makes it seems bigger. I wish I had known purely as his ex wife was very much part of our life despite they hated each other.
I'm not bothered my dad was married before but it was very much representative of our family relationship of keeping secrets and also the fact as children we were also expected to keep any things to our selves even if it was causing us mental distress. I would drop in to conversation and not make a big deal.

Princessoftheuniverse · 03/07/2022 13:56

My husband’s been married before (no children) and our adult son doesn’t know. It’s just so far in the past it’s never come up. A few other people know but I imagine they’ve almost forgotten. It is just never mentioned. I recently told my husband I think we need to tell our son. Mainly because if he finds out after we’ve gone he’ll have no one to ask who really knows any details. We’re going to tell him but haven’t yet as it’s hard to mention it with no lead in to the subject. Just waiting for a good opportunity but if it doesn’t come soon it will have to be an ‘Oh by the way, just so you know’ conversation.

Jofergo · 03/07/2022 14:10

Tell them. Matter of fact. "It just never came up before but now you are older I don't want it to be a surprise if it does - I was married before I met your Dad. It didn't work out so we got divorced".

Close family member didn't do this and repercussions when it did come out were pretty big. Her children felt lied to.

In my view they actually had been as if during conversation there was any reference to her previous marriage you would be shushed into silence by family member or her mother. It's pretty hard to omit 5 years of family history and erase someone who participate in some big family jape stories that we retell.

Jofergo · 03/07/2022 14:12

Oh and not really the same but after my Mum died my DBro found some scan pictures relating to a late trimester miscarriage she had before he was born.

Transpires that he didn't know about it (I did - I'm older than him) and he felt really betrayed that he didn't know we had had another sibling.

My mother died almost 10 years ago and he still occasionally refers to it.

SausageAndCash · 03/07/2022 14:15

I don't think kids do 'need' to know.

But in general we do tell our kids the headline milestones of our personal and family histories. It is part of what 'cultural heritage' means.

Where their family came from. They generally like to know where and how their parents met, for example.

A previous marriage doesn't directly impact their lives but it is a significant event in the life of one of their parents. And the divorce is part of the journey towards marrying their other parent.

If they are not told there is the possibility that it takes on the currency of a secret or something hidden. Which is unnecessarily negative.

Why wouldn't you mention it?

Dragonfly909 · 03/07/2022 14:16

I also found photos of my mum's first wedding when i was around 18. She still hasn't told us and I'm nearly 40 so I don't think she ever will. I'm not at all bothered but I am curious. I do think it would have been better just to tell us as children so we grew up knowing. But then maybe something awful happened that she doesn't want to talk about. I think you really should tell your kids asap as they will find out sooner or later, all marriage records etc can be easily accessed, and might be upset at finding out that way.