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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DC don't know about my 1st marriage

127 replies

playthesweetclarinet · 02/07/2022 21:56

So I have been married to my wonderful DH for 20 years and we have 2 DC aged 18 and 16. However, I was married before for around 5 years when I was in my 20's. My DC do not know this, AIBU to think I need to tell them? I don't want them to think I am hiding things from them.

OP posts:
Booklover3 · 03/07/2022 02:51

We’ve always been quite open about the fact that my OH was married before… so I don’t know what to say except are they likely to find out?

Notoironing · 03/07/2022 03:04

I was married before my current marriage. I’ve always talked about it with my children in a matter of fact way. I don’t know how it would have been possible to avoid telling them. Ie if I talk about that decade of my life and what I got up to it involved my ex so he is in the story! They have always been interested, there have been some odd questions which were easily addressed.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/07/2022 03:04

slowquickstep · 02/07/2022 22:27

My Sister in law died last year, she never told her 4 children (all in their 30s) that she had been married before and made sure nobody else told them, i never understood her reasoning. Her children were shocked when her first Husband turned up at the funeral. They still can't get over being lied to/ Please tell your children

How exactly were the "lied" to? Not being told something is not being lied to.

EmilyBolton · 03/07/2022 03:37

My ex is same. Married and divorced by time he met me . No children from that marriage. He had married his childhood sweetheart very young.
He never told our sons when we were married. I still think they don’t know and they’re now in mid/late 20s
i do think it’ll be a shock to them when he dies and they’re doing probate and going through all his stuff ( he’s in 70s so a way to go yet hopefully 😳) and they still don’t know - means they can’t ask him. He has wedding photos etc

I said numerous times when they were younger that he should mention it whilst not a big secret and just a fact. So now it is a big secret. I’m not telling them as not my business now but I’ll be mad if I’m one trying to explain later why they were never told.

georgarina · 03/07/2022 04:15

Wow. I just can't believe it never came up! I think that kind of thing would naturally have come up in my family. I don't see why you would keep it a secret but equally I don't know if it would be right to randomly tell them.

Wouldloveanother · 03/07/2022 04:20

My dad married before he met my mum, think I was about 7 or 8 when I found out, no biggie. Just tell them so records etc don’t throw up any nasty surprises. I think it would only ‘shock’ them if they had a secret half sibling or something

EdgeOfACoin · 03/07/2022 05:46

Someone in my extended family found out that her father had been previously married after both her parents had died. It was on the marriage certificate.

It was a bit of a shock for her to process while she was still grieving.

So, another vote for telling your children now. It doesn't have to be a big, formal announcement.

Oblomov22 · 03/07/2022 06:02

Please tell them asap.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 03/07/2022 06:29

I'd definitely mention it now, maybe as a throw away comment which invites further chat. Several times things like this have been hidden in my family and it's caused a lot of upset that someone was kept in the dark rather what the actual issue was. It's even sadder when someone has just passed and you can't get answers any longer. Your marriage certificate will give them this information so they do need to know so they aren't finding out either from the certificate or from someone else later. It might not matter to them.or it may be a bigger deal but finding out from you is the best way to tackle it.

Whereismumhiding4 · 03/07/2022 06:33

How exactly were the "lied" to? Not being told something is not being lied to.

It is a lie by omission
Those other stories from mum or dads life will have had a chunk missing. When they are old enough is the right tile to mention it- and only OP and DH can judge is the right time to tell - as it no one likes to be kept in the dark deliberately as an adult.

@Aquamarine1029
In the case that you quoted the PP talked about how her niece and nephews aged 30 felt to find it out after their mum had died. By the time they were adults there was no reason not to tell them and to keep something that is a fact of life a secret , that sometimes people are married before and it doesn't work out . They would have been surprised but understood the reason- that mum didn't want to talk about it or unsettle them at the time when they were younger. But unless they were midst a MH crises there would be no reason not to tell them once adults.

Whereismumhiding4 · 03/07/2022 06:33

Bold fail!!
How exactly were the "lied" to? Not being told something is not being lied to.was what @Aquamarine1029 wrote

658Doyouknowwheremysparkis · 03/07/2022 06:45

My Dad was married before he met my Mum and had me, he told me at a young age and if it drops up in conversation it crops up. I’d tell them, just in case, the reality is that teens more than likely won’t be at all bothered, perhaps a bit curious. Normalise it by telling them.

DeadButDelicious · 03/07/2022 06:48

My mum was married and divorced before she met my dad. She told me when I started high school and it turned out that the daughter of her ex and his 2nd wife would also be attending and she didn't want me to find out through school gossip. It was a bit weird to hear but I can't say it's been a huge deal. My mum had a life before she met my dad and had me and my brother, that's not really shocking.

She talks about it from time to time not often. I think I can count on one hand the amount of times it's come up in the last 26 years. It wasn't a good time in her life. He was abusive, her parents helped her get out, she met my lovely dad and that was that, they've been together for well over 40 years. The ex husband is dead now and she and his 2nd wife get on quite well (she also ended up leaving), no animosity on that front at all. I can't say me and the daughter were ever friends. It was a little weird my mum being her dads ex and vice versa, so we just sort of avoided each other. No drama.

Tell them. It's as big of a deal as you make of it. And it's better it comes from you than someone else.

BackT · 03/07/2022 07:10

My dad was married before which I've always known about.

I'd just tell them in a casual sort of way.
"Do you know I was married before? I do rarely think about it but it's just occurred to me that you guys might not even know!"

everyonebutme · 03/07/2022 07:19

I'm in the same situation and have no intention of mentioning it to my adult DC. No one in my current group of friends knows. It was a long time ago and I'm a bit ashamed as well (was at the time really). Unfortunately I'm also now divorced to the father of my DC so they won't find out by finding a marriage certificate or anything. It's something that happened a long time ago - a mistake I made in my 20s. They don't need to know about all the relationships I had before I met their father (and the fact that I married one of them shouldn't matter either).

MaryShelley1818 · 03/07/2022 07:23

My children don't know I've been married before but are only age 4 and 1. I must admit it never occurred to me to ever tell them but this thread has made me rethink.

buntywindermere · 03/07/2022 07:31

My mum was engaged to my cousin's uncle (as in, my mum's sister's husband's brother) before she married my dad, and we found out from our cousins. It wasn't great, my mum was mostly furious at her sister for telling their kids, as I was only about 12 at the time so it hadn't come up naturally in conversation. I think it would have in time, I don't think she ever expected to "keep it" from us. I would encourage you to engineer a conversation maybe about relationships with one or both of your children where they can ask you questions and bring it up with them then. It's worse when someone else controls the narrative.

Oblomov22 · 03/07/2022 07:32

This thread is classic MN, reminding me how mucked up some people are emotionally. Not being able to talk about stuff.

What's shameful is it's not just old, previous generations, but still going on by current day mums.

easyday · 03/07/2022 07:35

It will come out if they ever see your marriage certificate, as it will say divorced on it.
You (they) may need such certificate when dealing with estates/tax arrangements whatever. If you are dead, finding out you were married will bring up a host of questions, not least did you have children and why didn't you tell them.
My father was married briefly (she died suddenly) before my mother. He only told us when he was doing some estate planning. Sure enough a few years later I was helping him with some pension arrangements and needed my parents marriage certificate and would have found out then.
They are old enough. Divorce is hardly scandalous. Just tell them.

Wheretheskyisblue · 03/07/2022 07:39

I only found out my Mum was married previously in my 40s when I was looking at ancestry.com. It was a bit of a surprise and I did feel a little hurt that she had never told me. Apparently she felt embarrassed as her husband was not a very nice person. I also found out on ancestry that he went on to have a further 5 marriages.

RampantIvy · 03/07/2022 07:48

My mum was married before she met my dad. She was always very open about it. After she died I discovered a copy of her first wedding certificate.

EnterACloud · 03/07/2022 07:55

I think introducing the concept that parents can have had previous relationships is a good one, otherwise kids being the little egotists they are probably assume you got it right first time.

I grew up knowing one of my mum’s exes who remained a friend/neighbour, and knowing my dad married and divorced when young. Neither bothered me but it was quite healthy knowing that people have previous lives, and that some relationships don’t work out etc. Not in a negative way, more in a way that made me approach dating in quite a relaxed way as a young adult - although dad had warned me not to get married at college.

BooksAndHooks · 03/07/2022 07:59

Definitely tell them. It’s a bit odd it has been kept a secret until now, but definitely better to come from you rather than them find out via ancestry or your marriage certificate down the road.

Jerabilis · 03/07/2022 08:13

I still remember vividly my mum telling my brother and I about her first marriage. We were 14 and 15 and on a family holiday to California. I still can’t remember how the conversation came up but I think we were talking about divorce when she just casually threw out “when I went through my divorce”… My brother and I were like wtf?? It was interesting hearing about a part of her life we knew nothing about and made me respect her even more

Minimalme · 03/07/2022 08:25

There is no reason whatsoever to have kept this a secret op.

People get married and divorce.

I am open with my kids about my life before I met and married their Dad. Presenting a 'perfect' facade will make them feel that's what you want from them.

My kids know they can share their mistakes with me because I've shared mine with them.