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AIBU?

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Original poster

My DC don't know about my 1st marriage

127 replies

playthesweetclarinet · 02/07/2022 21:56

So I have been married to my wonderful DH for 20 years and we have 2 DC aged 18 and 16. However, I was married before for around 5 years when I was in my 20's. My DC do not know this, AIBU to think I need to tell them? I don't want them to think I am hiding things from them.

OP posts:
rickandmorts · 02/07/2022 22:30

Different situation but I grew up believing my parents were married and my brother told me when I was 12 that they weren't married. I was really upset! They had been married (I'd seen wedding pics) but got divorced, had a break and got back together and had me. I didn't know about any of the latter and it really unsettled me for ages.

Justmuddlingalong · 02/07/2022 22:34

I can't understand how at their ages, you've never brought it up before. Them finding out in there late teens kind of makes it out to have been a big secret.

NoGoodUsernamee · 02/07/2022 22:34

Tell them. It’s good for our children to see we’re human.

VioletInsolence · 02/07/2022 22:35

I wasn’t told that my mum had been married before and my three siblings had a different dad! I found out when I was ten and still no one talked about it🙄. It wouldn’t have mattered if she’d not had kids with the ex husband though.

notnownorma · 02/07/2022 22:35

flutterbybabycakes · 02/07/2022 22:18

Start drip-feeding and let them know at some point. No one appreciates a big surprise like this about someone they are close to.

Huh. At 19 I found out my dad had been married before and I had a half brother. Didn't bother me at all.

1990s · 02/07/2022 22:36

Me and my brother found out by accident my Mum had been married before for five years ish when we were about 18.

We asked if she had any other secret kids, and then were pretty non plussed.

EleanorShell · 02/07/2022 22:41

I found out about my mums first marriage accidentally and felt unnerved by it for a while after. I think it was the fact she had kept a secret that seemed so big rather than the actual fact of her being divorced.

We were not getting on well at the time which I don't think helped. I would tell them at a convenient time just so that it is out there.

Phos · 02/07/2022 22:42

My dad was married to someone before my mum. I remember being a bit surprised but not hurt by this.

I've also been married before. It never comes up in conversation, I have zero contact with him or his family and I no longer have any wedding photos. We act like it never happened and I fully intend to keep it that way. The only way it would ever come out would be if her paternal grandparents decided to use it as a weapon against me.

ShaneTwane · 02/07/2022 22:44

Going against the grain here but I honestly don't understand how it's any of their business whatsoever. Why do they need to be told something that had nothing to do with them and has zero impact on their life at all? Children down own their parents. They don't need to be privy to every aspect of their parents life before they came along.

Salome61 · 02/07/2022 22:45

I told our children my husband had been married before, and had a son, and they were just curious. We never had any contact with his son. When my husband died I was glad I'd told them as we all met him for the first time at the funeral.

TheBikiniExpert · 02/07/2022 22:47

Yes, of course. You should have told them years ago.

3amAndImStillAwake · 02/07/2022 22:48

My MIL was married for a few years in her early twenties before marrying FIL. I don't think DH or BIL care one bit, so I think with the secrecy you've made it into a bigger thing than it needed to be. I'd just tell them.

Hyvsvaar · 02/07/2022 22:49

My bil gf was married before they got together and we didn’t know until they broke up

we were all a bit shocked…not that she was married but that we weren’t close enough to have been told by her and they went out for several years…a big y weird like having a secret double life but maybe over thinking it I just remember being a bit hurt as. Thought we were pretty close as those types of relationships can be

LittleOwl153 · 02/07/2022 22:51

My gran - mum's mum married twice. The first time during the war, she was widowed and then married again after the war. She never spoke about husband 1 until she had dementia.

My mum knew, and we knew as kids - it wasn't made a big deal of but i dont remember it being a secret. My mums brother found out when she died... which was a bit weird for the rest of us who didn't know he didn't know... he was fine with it - kind of bemused - but he was that kind of guy.

UnderCaffeinated · 02/07/2022 22:54

This happened in my family one Christmas. My uncle made a comment about his ex wife with myself, my brother and my cousin there (cousin who is his son) and it was a revelation. His mum, and our parents all knew but we had no idea he had been married before. My cousin sort of exclaimed 'What!? You were married before!? Do I have other sibling!?' and we were explained that he had in fact been married for a year and divorced for two when they met, no children, never bought a house together or anything and he's never seen or spoken to his ex wife since. We were all confused as to how this hadn't come up before (We were late teens/early 20s) and that was that really. Other than my auntie who was a bit tipsy and kept crying 'We never thought we needed to tell you, we're so so sorry' while my cousin tried to explained he had no other questions and honestly didn't care, and realised it had just genuinely never come up (his parents had been married to each other for 25 years at this point).

It comes up regularly as a joke now at pretty much every family event.

Wheelz46 · 02/07/2022 22:54

My kids are younger and I am not married to their dad but I have been married before to which my children have no knowledge of.

The only reason I will tell them when they are older is because when anything happens to me and if I outlive their dad (unless, me and their dad decide to marry) they would need a copy of my divorce certificate to inherit. If it wasn't for that I don't think it would be something I would bring up.

It's not a secret or anything, I am not ashamed about my past marriage, it's just not the fondest of memories to share and certainly not one for the dinner table.

Whereismumhiding4 · 02/07/2022 22:56

I think you are right to consider this now- Your DCs are old enough to be told and it's a good idea for you to tell them rather than they find out later and feel aggrieved you hadn't mentioned it

A. That it isn't a secret , it was part of your life that wasn't relevant and still isn't now but you think they're old enough to have you mention this now as they can more easily understand that life changes sometimes . That it just didn't come up before

B. That the best thing you ever did was meet their Dad and marry him and have them, and what went on in your life before helped make you the woman you are which is why you knew their Dad was a right for you when you met him.

SockQueen · 02/07/2022 22:57

My mum was married to someone else (but no kids) before my dad, she doesn't talk about it a lot but I've pretty much always been aware that it happened.

It's all come back now, 50 years since they married, and 40+ since they divorced, as he's died but somehow never took mum's name off the deeds to his house, which she now technically owns. This has opened not only a huge legal/tax can of worms but has brought back a lot of painful memories for her as she tries to sort it out, though that's a story for another thread! But if she'd never told me before I'd have been really upset to discover it now.

lljkk · 02/07/2022 22:58

I knew a couple where both were on 2nd marriage, but their kids thought it was 1st marriage for the dad. I couldn't understand why the info was being kept as a big secret. Like others said, secrecy implies some sort of shame : which would be unjustified & not really helping the kids learn that it was ok to move on from a marriage that didn't work out.

SarahAndQuack · 02/07/2022 22:59

ShaneTwane · 02/07/2022 22:44

Going against the grain here but I honestly don't understand how it's any of their business whatsoever. Why do they need to be told something that had nothing to do with them and has zero impact on their life at all? Children down own their parents. They don't need to be privy to every aspect of their parents life before they came along.

I think I agree with this.

If you have to tell them about a previous marriage, where do you draw the line? Must you also disclose every relationship lasting more than, say, a decade? Or half a decade? At what point do you not tell them everything?

FWIW I was married before I was with my current DP. I don't think DD knows (she is 5), and I probably will drop it into conversation a bit more at some point.

But I do think there's a case to be made that it's none of their business. It's certainly not something to make a huge fuss over.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 02/07/2022 23:00

I would tell them. My auntie was married before marrying my uncle and didn’t tell her children (my cousins), her children found out as adults when they were came across photos at their Nan’s house. Rightly or wrongly one of my cousins was very upset/ furious at not having been told and it caused a rift which they only really sorted out when my aunt was diagnosed with a terminal illness. The whole thing caused a lot of upset and drama which probably could have been avoided if she’d just told them and not left them to find out as they did.

OneFrenchEgg · 02/07/2022 23:01

ShaneTwane · 02/07/2022 22:44

Going against the grain here but I honestly don't understand how it's any of their business whatsoever. Why do they need to be told something that had nothing to do with them and has zero impact on their life at all? Children down own their parents. They don't need to be privy to every aspect of their parents life before they came along.

I agree. There's loads of my past I don't owe my kids an explanation about or waste time trying to justify to moralistici teenagers.

SarahAndQuack · 02/07/2022 23:02

Whereismumhiding4 · 02/07/2022 22:56

I think you are right to consider this now- Your DCs are old enough to be told and it's a good idea for you to tell them rather than they find out later and feel aggrieved you hadn't mentioned it

A. That it isn't a secret , it was part of your life that wasn't relevant and still isn't now but you think they're old enough to have you mention this now as they can more easily understand that life changes sometimes . That it just didn't come up before

B. That the best thing you ever did was meet their Dad and marry him and have them, and what went on in your life before helped make you the woman you are which is why you knew their Dad was a right for you when you met him.

Do you know the OP from another thread?

Otherwise I'm confused. How do you know she feels these things?

BarnacleNora · 02/07/2022 23:04

I found out at the age of 20/21 that my dad had been married before. Turns out he got married to a girlfriend he had in Australia where he was working at the time for visa reasons. Eventually when he decided to move back to the UK they realised they didn't really want to be married any more and there wasn't any reason to be if one of them wasn't staying in the same country!

Found out from my brother who'd found out a couple of years ago. I asked my mum about it who confirmed it and said they'd just never really felt it was a big enough deal to have a big sit down chat about it.

I found it absolutely hysterical, my dad is the last person I would expect to have done some sort of 'marriage of convenience' although apparently they did like each other enough to think that marriage was a good enough idea beyond just needing a visa.

I don't know your kids or your family obviously, me and my family are quite a relaxed bunch who take the piss out of each other frequently so the news didn't unsettle any of us but only you can guess at how it would go down. I'd suggest if you are going to tell them don't make a big deal out of it, it happened, it was ages ago and it's not like there are any half siblings lurking out there waiting to be discovered

Skinterior · 02/07/2022 23:04

Tell them.

I found about my mum's first marriage by total coincidence when I was a teenager. It was awful.

Don't do it to them.