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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist on a new kitchen and insist he pays for it?

320 replies

alittlecroquetta · 02/07/2022 20:24

Hi all.

Reasons why we need a new kitchen:

  • we moved here nearly 9 years ago and first thing we said was new kitchen.
  • it's over 20yrs old and starting to look really worn. 3 doors almost hanging off. Holes in the lino. Dishwasher packed up 3 weeks ago.
  • can't get new dishwasher as it's 20+ years old, discontinued and built-in. DP not taking his turn doing the dishes like he said he would. I've done the dishes 19 days to his 2 days. I hate doing dishes. I think now is the time to finally invest in this new kitchen we've spoken about for years.

Why I think he should pay:

  • we had a joint savings account since we moved in together. 3/4 of that was money I saved from my salary (I'm the higher earner) and 1/4 was a remortgage.
  • I pay the mortgage and every other bill apart from council tax which he pays.
  • we hit a rough patch at the start of the pandemic and nearly split up. I took MN advice and took half the money from the savings account. We've since got back together but we haven't put the money back into the savings account.
  • my half has dwindled significantly due to the rising cost of living. Prices of everything going up. I had to buy a new car because we were using his car but when we split obviously he took it and I needed a car for work. I've had to dip into the savings to cover the bills. I've told him numerous times that I was into my overdraft and I need us to split the bills proportionately to our wages. It has fell on deaf ears.

When I raised the new kitchen again today he said we are not in a financial position to get a new kitchen because I can't contribute to half of the cost. I said my "half" has been swallowed up by bills and just because the remainder of the savings are in his account it doesn't make them "his because I provided most/all of it. He said I was the one who chose to split the money when we almost split.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CherryBreadAfro · 03/07/2022 09:14

You don’t seem to be fully engaging with or taking on board what’s being said to you, OP. I get it, we’re strangers on an anonymous forum. Do you have friends and family l irl who are aware of this situation? Are there people you can speak to?

treesandweeds · 03/07/2022 09:16

What are you going to actually do then?
If you put less in the joint account and there is not enough money in there, tell him to put some of his savings in. If he doesn't, you know he will literally leave you to be chased for a bill while he has the money and does nothing. Will this then make you realise how little respect he has for you?
You are worth MORE!

Adelais · 03/07/2022 09:18

He’s using you op.
he gets to keep nearly all his salary and gets 50% ownership of a house, he must be laughing!

I know you said you love him but do you think he loves you too? He knows it’s not fair for you to pay all the bills and mortgage but he doesn’t give a shit. He also knows he can just say no to any suggestion he pays a fair amount and you will just accept it cos you don’t want to rock the boat.

Forget the kitchen and have a good think about this relationship. There are plenty of men out there that aren’t cocklodgers.

Paprikapommes · 03/07/2022 09:18

Also just to clarify you don't struggle to verbalise the issues, you've been able to on this thread very clearly and tbh quite fairly from both points of view.

He MAKES it hard to talk to him about this, on purpose because he doesn't want to change.

usernamealreadytaken · 03/07/2022 09:23

"not married but it's joint names on both deeds and mortgage. I spoke to a solicitor last time and everything will be 50/50 unfortunately."

I'm not sure your solicitor gave you quite the right information - I believe the starting point is always 50/50 but then contributions are taken in to account and you can clearly demonstrate that not only has he not contributed half to the mortgage, but he hasn't contributed half to most of the other bills or the running of the household. It would be worth revisiting on that basis, as you may be in a position to protect yourself financially and not lose your home.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 03/07/2022 09:30

He did step up once we got back together. He got his arse in gear and started doing >50% of the housework and it was great. Unfortunately it has slipped again though

In other words, he pretended to change for long enough to get his meal ticket back, then reverted to normal.

You're making endless excuses for him, yet you are blaming MN for persuading you to leave last time, before you were ready. So why are you wasting our time by posting this thread? You must have known what we would say.

I am trying to be patient, because you are being financially abused, but you are in a very fortunate position, compared to most abused women. You do have a choice, you have even exercised that choice, temporarily, but then you chose to return to someone who is happy to exploit you, emotionally and financially. Someone who loved you would not treat you like this. By staying with him, you are choosing to continue to be abused.

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/07/2022 09:43

Long term you could lose more than 50% equity by putting more into the house and then one day HE decides to leave and take his 50% with him.

Paprikapommes · 03/07/2022 09:45

Be prepared to be blamed for all his behaviour when you talk with him. It's not your fault and you need to know that. Therapy sounds like a great idea, it's helped me a lot in the past.

It's clear he's spinning a very different story to his family and god knows who else. Which shows you that he knows exactly what he's doing.

I struggle to understand how you've reached such a massive unbalance and financial disparity. Is he lazy, or simply in a role with a low ceiling? He's living well beyond his means by the sound of it. You mention you feel like you're both coasting, so in past situations have you suggested the costs, mortgage etc to get some momentum and then because it's your idea you offer to pay the lion's share. In reality would he prefer a more frugal life and that's why he's not bothered?

It's great that you have a new job opportunity, but it really shouldn't be just your responsibility to top up the pot. You mention the price of living, but employment is pretty rocky too atm. What would happen if you lost your job? Would he step up, or would he move onto the next woman who can bank roll him? I'd imagine in reality you'd have to run around like a crazy person getting a new job and keeping the peace.

Everything sits on your shoulders OP and yet he holds the control purely through inaction, you must be exhausted.

rainbowstardrops · 03/07/2022 09:50

He's leeching off you. Simple as. It's up to you what you decide to do about that.

billy1966 · 03/07/2022 09:52

What a sad thread.

9 years of being used and he will walk away with 50% of an asset he hasn't contributed to.

So sad OP.

You desperately need help because your standards are so unbelievably low.

Get therapy for sure.

You deserve better than be used as a complete mug.

CecilyP · 03/07/2022 09:58

All of our household bills - mortgage, council tax, utilities etc come out of the joint account. Personal bills - car, phone etc just come out of our personal account

Im not quite getting this. Are you saying he only puts enough into the joint account to cover the council tax? Even on minimum wage, that gives him a huge amount of disposable income. What is he doing with it? What he is paying sound like the sort of digs money a teenager would give their mum!

Original poster
alittlecroquetta · 03/07/2022 10:00

He could take steps to improve his earning potential but for some reason won't/doesn't. If I lost my job, we'd definitely be up shit creek.

OP posts:
Original poster
alittlecroquetta · 03/07/2022 10:03

CecilyP · 03/07/2022 09:58

All of our household bills - mortgage, council tax, utilities etc come out of the joint account. Personal bills - car, phone etc just come out of our personal account

Im not quite getting this. Are you saying he only puts enough into the joint account to cover the council tax? Even on minimum wage, that gives him a huge amount of disposable income. What is he doing with it? What he is paying sound like the sort of digs money a teenager would give their mum!

Yes he's just been transferring enough to cover council tax. Although the past couple of months he's had to top up the account a bit more to compensate for my reduced contribution.

OP posts:
2bazookas · 03/07/2022 10:14

You need a new partner. Better models can do everything in a kitchen from cooking to washing up.

bluebell34567 · 03/07/2022 10:14

good job you dont have a child with this man.
listen to the very good advice here.

bluebell34567 · 03/07/2022 10:15

2bazookas · 03/07/2022 10:14

You need a new partner. Better models can do everything in a kitchen from cooking to washing up.

they are a bit hard to find. where are they?

orbitalcrisis · 03/07/2022 10:17

You can put a regular dishwasher where an integrated one was, did it myself a couple of weeks ago. Just remove the broken one and put a new one in its place.

Hallyup89 · 03/07/2022 10:25

Yes, you're unreasonable. Who lives like this? Sounds like a car crash.

As an aside, I'm not sure why you can't get another dishwasher...

Paprikapommes · 03/07/2022 10:29

Christ! I didn't realise it was that bad. What adult can live comfortably off £100-£150 per month. No wonder he's happy to keep things as they are. He's got it made.

Crumpleton · 03/07/2022 10:31

OP so if you had a brand new kitchen everything would be fine, you'd be happy?
It will still be OK for your other half to have such a big say while offering such little contribution?
He'll suddenly be more supportive and up his game financially and emotionally?

OnaBegonia · 03/07/2022 10:32

So you're paying 100% of a mortgage of which 50% is his?
So he walks away with half the house you're paying for, this is madness!
You're excuse is you get muddled discussing it, do you get muddled at work?
Stand up to this leech and show him the door!

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 03/07/2022 10:35

OnaBegonia · 03/07/2022 10:32

So you're paying 100% of a mortgage of which 50% is his?
So he walks away with half the house you're paying for, this is madness!
You're excuse is you get muddled discussing it, do you get muddled at work?
Stand up to this leech and show him the door!

Unfortunately, if his name is on the deeds and mortgage, there is a good chance that he will get 50%. But that is not a reason to stay - every week that she does, the OP is throwing good money after bad.

Threetulips · 03/07/2022 10:36

He could take steps to improve his earning potential but for some reason won't/doesn't

He earns half your salary

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 03/07/2022 10:36

Fluffycloudland77 · 03/07/2022 09:43

Long term you could lose more than 50% equity by putting more into the house and then one day HE decides to leave and take his 50% with him.

This.

Potentialscroogeincognito · 03/07/2022 10:46

Work out a percentage your comfortable with. Tell him what it is. He’ll argue. You stick with it.
Transfer your percentage.
I would look at transferring some of the bills into his name and get some balance.