To ask if you 'have it all' and are you happy for it?

[TheLostNights]

By that I mean:

1. A good and happy marriage or relationship
2. Children
3. Nice home
4. Good job which pays well
5. Opportunity to spend time with kids as flexible working
6. Lots of friends and good social life
7. Close to family

Your friend is 100% right. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors and of course many of the having it all lot are unhappy statistically.

the primary school my boys went to (10years ago now more or less) was in a very prestigious location. I was a struggling young single mum living in a tiny council flat. I would drop the kids off at bday parties at weekends at these enormous mansions, the cars that were driven were all luxury. The mothers were all ‘ladies who lunch and gym’ and the fathers were all bankers etc.

it used to make me feel down until my mum once said to me ‘you never know what goes on behind closed doors’ and that’s stuck with me forever

i take no glee from this at all but many of those wealthy families from those days have since lost everything financially, had affairs and divorces, a couple of them have sadly died or, even more tragically, lost a child, and all those other horrible things which can happen in life.

in the meantime, my own life has done a 360 and earning 6 figures (ok so I’m not living in one of those mansions but that is never going to happen anyway unless I suddenly earn millions or win the lottery lol).

makes me realise how your life can change in an instant from the perceived ‘having it all’

I don't have 4 of those things, but I'm extremely content, and consider myself fortunate, despite not having most of the listed things!

We're all different and different things bring contentment.

She likes to believe that people who have it all aren't exempt from it all crashing down and may be secretly unhappy.

Well she's right, isn't she! Of course nobody's immune to things crashing down. And of course some people who appear on the surface to have it all are secretly unhappy. She probably us saying it to make herself feel better, but those things are still 100% obviously true!

Most people who have posted are very happy and I also dont agree that this can only be temporary. I have primary age kids and most of the parents are still together and have nice lives.
I just think she is fooling herself to think those that have done well for themselves are all secretly miserable

I do have most of that and I'm contented, it's my favourite state as I believe happy can be short-lived. I don't feel like we have it difficult at present, we've had tough times and as a result, we are risk averse and cautious decision makers, when we make changes they've usually been for the best and paid off.

A balance of luck and good judgement, I suppose. I never stayed with dickhead boyfriends or in jobs that didn't value me, luck that I found a good guy and fell into a job with a flexible employer.

I dislike the phrase "have it all" intensely because I think this is largely a coded rebuke at women who seek both to have children and to work. It's a phrase which is rarely levelled at men and it fails to take into account several critical points about women's lives, particularly:

a) that the vast majority of women these days have to work at least a bit
b) that as a woman, not working makes your life and that of your children financially precarious and;
c) that working and having children doesn't automatically mean you are always biting off more than you can chew and run totally ragged. Plenty of people manage all these things without vast amounts of stress.

Also, as many previous posters have indicated, the list you have drawn up that constitutes "having it all" is intensely subjective.

Who is to say that these six things are things that everyone wants above all else? Many people are happier single than in settled relationships. Many women prefer not to work. Some people are NC from their families and that suits them fine. It's a totally political interpretation of what "should" make someone happy.

For the record I tick everyone of those boxes bar number 6: close relationship with family. I consider this to be largely a byproduct of good luck and with a bit of single-mindedness thrown in. It happens to make me more or less contented with my life although its not perfect but I can acknowledge that masses of people wouldn't want all or any of the things on this list. And fair play to them.

I really wish we would stop asking this question of women.

I don't have it all, but yes I am very happy x

@Mellie555

I couldn't agree more!
Many families I knew like that lost everything including mine.
One family in particular really fell froma height.
I'm never jealous of anyone like that.

I'm on nmw but I feel extremely rich at the moment,I earn but also have plenty of time with the DC which is v important to me at the moment.
Unfortunately what I don't have is my family.

I have it all, except I don't own my own home (there is a renting culture where we live) and we live in a different country to our family (although technology makes daily contact easy).

Although DC1 has SN and I don't quite know what the future holds, the provisions here are excellent.

We won't be able to retire here, I am a little worried about that, and Brexit has complicate matters as I don't want to return to the UK. But, I have a rainy day jar and am happy to wait and see what happens.

It hasn't always been this way, but I have always been healthy, had a good relationship, lived in a beautiful part of the world and enjoyed my children. Money isn't my main focus in life, but I know I am lucky to be like this.

Having it all isn't what makes you happy! You can always find that fly in the ointment.

Having a happy nature is all that is required.
The happy gene is a wonderful thing.