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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you 'have it all' and are you happy for it?

135 replies

TheLostNights · 02/07/2022 19:18

By that I mean:

  1. A good and happy marriage or relationship
  2. Children
  3. Nice home
  4. Good job which pays well
  5. Opportunity to spend time with kids as flexible working
  6. Lots of friends and good social life
  7. Close to family
OP posts:
Aposterhasnoname · 02/07/2022 19:58

Well for kids read grandkids, but I have everything on that list, and yes, I’m very happy.

NamiSwan · 02/07/2022 19:59

I have most of them, 1-5 certainly, 6 I have lots of friends but don't have much of a social life outside my phone other than the occasional meet up as a lot of my very good friends live elsewhere, 7 my husbands family are close and we are very close with them, my family are further away and we do what we can to see them!

Am I happy? Yes, very. I feel very fortunate. How long this period of my life will last I don't know. You just never know what will happen and when shit will hit the fan. I had a very turbulent and unhappy childhood so to have found happiness as an adult is something I'm immensely grateful for.

GemmaEdKitten · 02/07/2022 20:00

TheLostNights · 02/07/2022 19:18

By that I mean:

  1. A good and happy marriage or relationship
  2. Children
  3. Nice home
  4. Good job which pays well
  5. Opportunity to spend time with kids as flexible working
  6. Lots of friends and good social life
  7. Close to family

You've forgotten health, which is possibly the most important thing.

SkyK · 02/07/2022 20:00

Yes pretty much have all of that except family don’t live close but I am still close to them and in regular contact.

I feel incredibly lucky. It hasn’t always been like this though. I’ve worked long hours in tough jobs where I barely saw the kids, living very frugally in order to make ends meet & felt like I was out of my depth not coping at times. But managed to eventually climb the career ladder in order to get to the point where I’m now in a fairly senior well paid position and able to manage my work load better. Pandemic has also helped massively in terms of flexible working and ability to how do my job remotely. I feel very very fortunate.

Delatron · 02/07/2022 20:01

I don’t think ‘having it all’ means you are tired and exhausted. Because then you don’t have your health. Which I know is not on the list.

I think the ‘good job which pays well’ plus all the balanced/ flexible/time with kids/time for exercise is the hard part.

I have a job which I enjoy but had to ditch the high powered, well paid job as I was exhausted and didn’t see my kids.

So now I am happier in my job. I have time to walk the dog/ go for a run/ get all the stuff I need to do round the house. But it’s not well paid (I work for myself) hourly the rate is good but I choose not to work all the hours!

madamedesevigne · 02/07/2022 20:01

I have 1 and 6 only but I’m doing all right for myself.

Squashpocket · 02/07/2022 20:01

I'm not sure 6 and 7 are all they're cracked up to be...

Health should be top of the list btw.

Delatron · 02/07/2022 20:01

Cross post but health is more important to money than me.

Delatron · 02/07/2022 20:02

Than money

oldsoulrebel · 02/07/2022 20:03

I have 2 , 5 and 7. I'm pretty happy with my lot

Rabidturnip · 02/07/2022 20:07

Mellie555 · 02/07/2022 19:31

I have it all apart from 1, but actually being single makes me the happiest anyway! I don’t feel that ‘being in a relationship’ falls under ‘having it all’; for a lot of people, being single absolutely translates into having it all

I also don’t think we can ‘have it all’ all of our lives. Things happen, sadly. It’s possible for a period of time, but having it all is not usually a permanent state of life

This! I hate the idea that some consider you have it all if you have a permanent plus one. I am not anti men or relationships at all but I am happily single at this point. I was in a relationship until about 3 months ago and I realised I was happier out of it than in it. Which makes me v sad because I adored him. We weren’t right for each other unfortunately. However, a marriage/relationship is not the missing piece of a puzzle.

Phrenologistsfinger · 02/07/2022 20:09

No, we are very materially comfortable, I have a great career, and my DP is great but I am griefstricken by ten pregnancy losses and 3 dismal rounds of IVF and, at age 40, impending childlessness. If that is my future right now I don’t want it. My dog is the only thing I am keeping alive for right now and once she dies, I don’t know.

User48751490 · 02/07/2022 20:11

Health should be on that list.

CallmeMrsPricklepants · 02/07/2022 20:15

I have all but 6 and 7. I have a lot of friendly acquaintances and school mums but no one id go out for a drink with really, but I work 50 hours a week, so I don't have time anyway. I'm happy but tired obviously as I work flexibly around seeing the DC as much as possible - I do all school runs and spend 3-7pm every weekday and all weekend with DCs. I have good links with family but they live far away, which also means we never get to go out as we don't have childcare. Generally pretty happy though!

TedMullins · 02/07/2022 20:17

I don’t think that’s the definitive list. Many people don’t want children and are happy single. I certainly wouldn’t be happy if I had children!

hatchyu · 02/07/2022 20:18

You forgot health

acquiescence · 02/07/2022 20:18

I have all of these and am for the most part happy. I suspect many people wouldn’t consider my job to pay especially well but we are comfortable by our own standards.

It’s important to consider that people can ‘have it all’ but be affected by trauma in their life. One of our children died several years ago so life will never feel completely perfectly happy for us.

JorisBonson · 02/07/2022 20:21

I'm childfree by choice and my family are all miles away, but I'm happy with my lot in life. I have a great husband, friends, a roof over my head and a bit of money to spare each month. I know I'm fortunate and couldn't ask for more.

hatchyu · 02/07/2022 20:21

I have most of those things but not at the same time, eg I can't juggle work, friends, DH, dc & family every week. Sometimes work takes priority, sometimes dc, sometimes family etc.

hatchyu · 02/07/2022 20:22

@acquiescence I'm sorry

minesalargered · 02/07/2022 20:24

I have/had all of those things, and then 7 weeks ago my DH had an extremely serious medical situation and now, we may lose him, or the very least he's been extremely compromised and our life situation is entirely different, and frightening. So enjoy having whatever bit of 'it all' you have, or have not.

minesalargered · 02/07/2022 20:26

I'm so sorry for the loss of your wonderful child ❤️

HuntingoftheSnark · 02/07/2022 20:26

I second what @Mellie555 said. Like her, I have the list apart from 1. but am definitely happier single. I respectfully add my own 1. in the form of a very beautiful cat.

Lalosalamanca · 02/07/2022 20:29

@acquiescence and @Phrenologistsfinger
Dunno if you care but I said a prayer for you both.
I am truly sorry for your losses.

Ragwort · 02/07/2022 20:33

Like others, I am not sure I entirely agree with your list but I am very content with my life ... I would include health and meaningful hobbies/interests so that you don't rely on other people for your 'happiness'.