Page 5 | To ask if you 'have it all' and are you happy for it?

Theblondestoftheblonde · 03/07/2022 00:56

A good and happy marriage or relationship. Yes, of over 25 years

Children. Yes, grown up and both lovely

Nice home. Yes, great house, paid for, suits us, happy here

Good job which pays well. Yes, for both of us

Opportunity to spend time with kids as flexible working. Yes, I’m ft wfh, as is dh

Lots of friends and good social life. Yes

Close to family. Not always but some good relationships

bluedomino · 03/07/2022 01:08

I don't have a lot of that list. No money, no physical health, no mh, no security. I seem to have happy children and I worry constantly that will change and they will suffer. My family are very close, both geographically and strong bonds. I feel a burden though. I somehow have friends but I never initiate contact as I don't want to bother them. I feel very fortunate that I don't "want" much and I think I'm extremely lucky with what I do have and extremely lucky with what I don't have. It's always easier to go up than come down. I think about how many people in Ukraine who may have felt like they had it all, only to lose everything and much more than they could have ever imagined through no fault or action of their own. That's quite humbling.

Greenginghamdress · 03/07/2022 08:23

I can tick most things on the list, some more wholeheartedly than others.
1 is tough for me, as me and my DDs father have a very up and down relationship.
I have 1 child, so not children. Not 100% sure if that is it, but it's looking likely.

Quite good on 3-6. 7 is an odd one as my family are quite disjointed and although I love them and see them they are hard work.
So I've made about 75% of the list. Am I happy? From time to time. I know it could be a lot worse.
I am extremely lucky to have my health.

Can you tick these off, OP?

Greenginghamdress · 03/07/2022 08:25

@rainbowmilk
I hope you find some peace and happiness in your life

GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal · 03/07/2022 08:28

I have 6.5 of those - I love my job, I'm an actor, but it's not well paid, at least atm. I suppose it possibly could become so in the future (although I think if I was going to "make it" I'd have done so by now!)

I am very happy. I feel extraordinarily lucky to have got pretty much everything I ever wanted out of life.

Itslookinggood · 03/07/2022 08:35

I have 5/7 on your list. I am very happy.

single after leaving abusive marriage 3 years ago. Parents were abusive and now just highly dysfunctional. No family relationships.

but I have the rest, plus 2 amazing teens. And for thr first time in my life, my stresses and strains are everyday ones - money, work, not enough time, very tired.

so I think you don’t have to ‘have it all’ to be happy. If you’ve come from a bad place, and got stable, that in itself an make you really happy.

RainCoffeeBook · 03/07/2022 08:36

Yep. Wonderful job and we just do dropoffs and pickups ourselves. A DH who is capable of parenting. I go away on business trips and he can do everything just fine. Unlike some Mumsnet DHs who'd probably just starve and die.

Working in tech gives me access to interesting people and travel to great places, so that's the social side ticked. There's lots of room to progress and it's well respected. No one ever treats us like we get treated in shops or call centres.

I think having a supportive, capable partner and aiming for a good job is key. Home and childraising is easy with two people. You can do so much better than a lazy, abusive, cheating slob and a minimum wage job, but we have to keep encouraging women to see that. It saddens me that after all these years there are still so many posts from trapped women who settled for men many of us wouldn't even sit next to on a bus, let alone let into our homes.

sammysal · 03/07/2022 08:45

Understanding the precariousness of any of these things is key to contentment (there but for the grace of god I go) no one is protected from losing one of the 'ticks' on the list and knowing you could still be happy with 'imperfection' speaks more of the person than those who need to apparently 'have it all' to be happy.

I sense a lot of complacency on this thread and I think those are the people who would come unstuck by losing something off their life tick list.

longtimemarried · 03/07/2022 08:49

Yes to everything except for No.4 I am retired but I guess that makes me happy.

Fairislefandango · 03/07/2022 08:54

I sense a lot of complacency on this thread and I think those are the people who would come unstuck by losing something off their life tick list.

I think that's very harsh tbh. There is nothing wrong with people enjoying what they have. And to suggest that doing so is what would cause them to come unstuck if they lost a loved one, or a job potentially vital to feeding their family etc is unreasonable. Most people would cone unstuck to some extent in that kind of situation, and arguably many of those who would come most unstuck would be people who already have other dificulties to deal with and little support, rather than people who have most of the other things on the tick list to rely on. Failing to enjoy what you have because you're dwelling on the idea it could all come crashing down is crazy.

Sswhinesthebest · 03/07/2022 09:04

Yes I do. I am very content with my lot in life. I appreciate what I have. Dh has the good job which has enabled me to work part time in a job I enjoy but doesn’t use my qualifications. I don’t have the stress of my previous career. I had many years as a sahm.

Dh has all on your list too, except he works more hours. He isn’t so content. He compares himself and our lifestyle to that of our siblings and feels he should be in a better career position. I feel proud of him that he has got as far as he has career wise and enabled the lifestyle that we have. He doesn’t see this. He doesn’t resent me, but feels he hasn’t progressed as far as he should. Me working more wouldn’t change his frustrations.

I feel the difference between us is ambition, comparison to others and time to ourselves.

HairyScaryMonster · 03/07/2022 09:06

I have that list, although DH has health issues which means I do more around the house and with the kids and have to make plans with others to go out sometimes.

CoverYourselfInChocolateGlory · 03/07/2022 09:14

I have all of that in some form and am extremely grateful for it. I have a well paid job but it's remote and flexible so I work from home and can do things like go to DD's sports day at school without asking anyone's permission. I do have to work hard, and DH doesn't work so does most of pick-ups, etc. We have been through a lot over the last few years with family death that resulted in quite a bit of upheaval including moving in with my dad, so you could say that we don't have a nice home (we are living in a beautiful house, but it's not ours), but hopefully that will happen this year.

Even with all these things there are plenty of stresses and drama and I work very hard to support my immediate and extended family (both financially, emotionally and practically). I'm lucky to have some wonderful friendships and a great relationship with DH & DD. I've had to deal with secondary infertility, bereavement, life changing injury on DH's part and lots of upheaval, but I massively value all the positive things and yes, am happier for them. So I guess I would say - these things don't solve all your problems in life, and they take effort to build and maintain, but they give you a stronger foundation to cope with what life throws at you.

memyselfi · 03/07/2022 09:21

Honestly when the op doesn't contribute it makes it feel like research.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 03/07/2022 09:26

I don't have even half of your list and I'm extremely happy with my life.

I have no desire to have kids ever though

sammysal · 03/07/2022 09:30

It's far from dwelling on it all come crashing down. It's enjoying life when it's good but having the perspective that life is (hopefully) long and by its nature has to have both happiness and sadness.

Losing one ingredient of what we are taught is key to a 'perfect' life doesn't knock the wise person off course, but if you've spent your whole life defining yourself as someone who has it all you're less likely to weather the storm and be less happy overall. Eg losing a loved partner would be devastating - some can rebuild from that and others would be forever defined by the loss.

LovelyYellowLabrador · 03/07/2022 09:31

Think everyone’s idea of what having it all means

but I think it’s alot of pressure for most people and unrealistic
you maybe have it all at some points but that can proabky only last for a certain while and thjgg be a will always happen

id rather prioritise

DangerouslyBored · 03/07/2022 09:36

I have all of those things, apart from children but currently pregnant so come October, I will
have one!

Yes, I am very happy and have an idyllic lifestyle. No one’s life is perfect though, my MiL is getting over cancer, I sometimes have horrible anxiety 🤷🏻‍♀️

CounsellorTroi · 03/07/2022 09:56

I have no children so cannot by definition “have it all”. I’m happy nevertheless.

TheNinny · 03/07/2022 10:32

I have everything except my house is quite average and needs a bit updating but it’s functional, and I consider us lucky to have our own house. I’m not super social or free time due to young child, but do have friends and go on evenings every so often. I work full time with flexible start/end times agreed and I will approach them later to ask for 1-2 days home working, but as it’s nhs (admin) may not be possible due to a few things. But
otherwise, yes to everything else.

I am happy, and feel really fortunate to be in this position. Ive had it a lot worse in my past. But I don’t necessarily agree this list is everything you need to feel happy. I was still happy and contented when I didn’t tick the list as much.

Somethingsnappy · 03/07/2022 11:02

memyselfi · 03/07/2022 09:21

Honestly when the op doesn't contribute it makes it feel like research.

Yes, I was just thinking the same. The thread started yesterday!

For what it's worth, yes I have all those things at the moment, but only very recently. And in the past I've had very few of them. But I'm happy now and I was happy in the past too. I feel more secure now, so that enhances the happiness, but it's balanced by the worry that something might go horribly wrong. I don't take it for granted

Bearsan · 03/07/2022 11:34

Yes though 4 is my retirement income as I've retired early.
5 DC are grown up.

Original poster

TheLostNights · 03/07/2022 12:00

I was out so didn't see the replies until now.

I started this thread because I have a friend who is late thirties, single and never married, still lives at home, works but few hours, has chronic illnesses etc, only me as a friend. She likes to believe that people who have it all aren't exempt from it all crashing down and may be secretly unhappy. I think she just says this to herself to feel better about her own situation and wanted to prove the point that people can have it all and are genuinely happy, not just pretending.

OP posts:

TedMullins · 03/07/2022 13:15

TheLostNights · 03/07/2022 12:00

I was out so didn't see the replies until now.

I started this thread because I have a friend who is late thirties, single and never married, still lives at home, works but few hours, has chronic illnesses etc, only me as a friend. She likes to believe that people who have it all aren't exempt from it all crashing down and may be secretly unhappy. I think she just says this to herself to feel better about her own situation and wanted to prove the point that people can have it all and are genuinely happy, not just pretending.

That’s a very odd reason to start a thread, almost like you want to rub her misery in her face? Of course people can “have it all” and still be unhappy - it’s not an insulator from mental illness or unexpected tragedy. Look at celebrities who’ve seemingly “had it all” - loving family, wealth, success etc - and taken their own lives. Robin Williams, Chester Benington for example.

Some people have all this and are happy of course. some people have none of this and are happy, some people have a few from the list and are happy, some have everything and are never fulfilled. There’s no one size fits all. Your friend is probably (understandably) resentful and unhappy that illnesses have limited her in what she could do with her life, but she isn’t wrong that having these things doesnt always mean automatic happiness.

Mellie555 · 03/07/2022 14:39

sammysal · 03/07/2022 08:45

Understanding the precariousness of any of these things is key to contentment (there but for the grace of god I go) no one is protected from losing one of the 'ticks' on the list and knowing you could still be happy with 'imperfection' speaks more of the person than those who need to apparently 'have it all' to be happy.

I sense a lot of complacency on this thread and I think those are the people who would come unstuck by losing something off their life tick list.

Absolutely! Having it all is definitely just a temporary thing in life, sadly. It may be for decades, or years, months or weeks but it is always just a temporary state