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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if you 'have it all' and are you happy for it?

135 replies

TheLostNights · 02/07/2022 19:18

By that I mean:

  1. A good and happy marriage or relationship
  2. Children
  3. Nice home
  4. Good job which pays well
  5. Opportunity to spend time with kids as flexible working
  6. Lots of friends and good social life
  7. Close to family
OP posts:
TheMoth · 02/07/2022 21:36

TheLostNights · 02/07/2022 19:18

By that I mean:

  1. A good and happy marriage or relationship
  2. Children
  3. Nice home
  4. Good job which pays well
  5. Opportunity to spend time with kids as flexible working
  6. Lots of friends and good social life
  7. Close to family

Yes
Yes
In the process of
Debatable
Definitely not. But not that bothered cos they're older now. It was hard when they were little and I felt constantly torn.
Yes
Not really bothered. Nothing wrong with them, I'm just not really a family person.

Sometimes I feel that I do have it all, but I spoil it by worrying about the myriad ways it could come crashing down. It's come close a few times.

Bickles · 02/07/2022 21:38

Yes all of the above although 1 child not children. Small family but live close by and we get on.
Yes I am very happy and lucky to have such a nice life.

dudsville · 02/07/2022 21:41

The important thing is your list of things that make you happy, or that you think would/should make you happy. I am happy, but my list is a little different.

VioletInsolence · 02/07/2022 21:53

I have 2 and not much else. Health is ok if I pace myself (I can’t work). Mental health is terrible. I have friends but not what I’d call a social life. I’m very unhappy.

Mind you, if I had everything on the list but I was exhausted all the time from work and kids I’d also be very unhappy.

poppymaewrite · 02/07/2022 22:00

But maybe it isn’t that having all those things makes people happy. Instead, maybe people who are close to their families are more likely to not have had chaotic starts to life, and less likely to feel unwell In themselves. People who don’t have to worry about money are maybe people who haven’t grown up in poverty, in the care system, are well enough to hold down well paying jobs.

These things don’t make people happy. But people who are well adjusted and who are lucky, have those things in life. And those and the people who happen to be happy.

Kris02 · 02/07/2022 22:01

I wouldn’t envy people for having those things OP. What really counts is good mental health. I know people with very little who are pretty happy. For example, I know a lady in her late 80s with no children, no siblings and no extended family. Her husband left her for another woman and she never re-married. Also, her only close friend recently died. On top of that, she has MS. But she’s surprisingly happy. She’s philosophical about dying, and believes that death is the end. So in a way there is no reason to feel sad. She’s leaving no one and nothing behind and will be kind of relieved to be gone.

On the other hand, having too much good fortune brings its own problems. If I had too much, I’d be terrified of losing it. And in a way I’d be right to be terrified. I never envy people who’ve got it all because I know it’s only a matter of time before something goes wrong. Sooner or later their partner will develop terminal cancer, or their dad will cheat on their mum, or their daughter will self-harm, or their best friend will get a job abroad, or nightmare neighbours will move in next door, or their business will go bust, or their new manager will turn out to be a bully, and so on. Life doesn’t stand still. Things constantly change, and the wheel of fortune turns. If you’ve got it all, the only way is down.

The people I really, really envy are the ones with inner peace and good mental health. I mean the strong, tough, insensitive people who find it easy to cope with trauma and who always bounce back from disaster. It would be silly to say that external things don’t make you happy. Obviously they do, to an extent. It’s better to have a detached house in a beautiful village, for example, than to live in a council bedsit on a horrible estate with feral *** next door. But for the average person happiness really does come from within.

Livpool · 02/07/2022 22:10

All but number 6. I don't have the time or money to devote as much time to my friendships as I want to. DH is the same.

I hope it will improve as DS gets older.

Notnowbarnaby · 02/07/2022 22:16

I have children and a good relationship.

but my house needs a lot of work doing, I’m self employed and lost all my work due to the Covid lockdown so not currently working. Despite having family close by I don’t have anyone I can rely on for childcare so rarely go out and see friends even though I have them. Although I think I’ve forgotten how to socialise since Covid anyway!

christ seeing that written down is depressing

AngelinaFibres · 02/07/2022 22:18

Yes I have everything on your list. I am also retired and have just become a granny. Life is the best it has ever been. I am so lucky.
I went through a very painful divorce, was a single parent for several years and am now married to a lovely man who was widowed at 38.We are very lucky.....but we appreciate it enormously because we have both had dark times.

GoldenSpiral · 02/07/2022 22:21

I have all of those apart from a job that pays well. I loved my career as it was very varied and filled with exciting projects but the pay was approx. 30k. I'm currently a SAHM to my 1 year old son and very happy.

TenoringBehind · 02/07/2022 22:26

I have 2, 3, 5 and 6.

lack of 1 and 4 makes me unhappy

indifference to 7. Don’t have it but don’t crave it either.

gwenneh · 02/07/2022 22:34

I have all of these things, but I don't think they're the envy of anyone else. They're just average, I suppose?

My house is lovely, but small.
My career is stable and well paid, occasionally stressful.
We're close to family, but we moved to be here and if it weren't for family we'd be elsewhere.

I feel very, very fortunate to have all of these things on your list but I definitely don't think I'm a focus for anyone's envy, either!!

Weirdlynormal · 02/07/2022 22:50

A good and happy marriage or relationship
-yes

Children
-yes
Nice home
-yes
Good job which pays well
-yes
Opportunity to spend time with kids as flexible working
-yes

Lots of friends and good social life
-yes
Close to family
-yes

What do you want from this OP?

is it possible
-yes
How?
-luck

TabithaTittlemouse · 02/07/2022 22:53

I don’t have number 7 but that’s what makes me happy!

Basketet · 02/07/2022 23:00

Why is marriage or a relationship listed as a a prerequisite to having it all?

HintofVintagePink · 02/07/2022 23:05

Do you mean geographically or emotionally close to family?

Nocutenamesleft · 02/07/2022 23:13

I have it all except the social life. But that’s because I don’t want to be going out all hours

but yes. I am extremely happy. No money worries. Happily married. Wonderful kids. I can’t ask for more than that

however before I had all that I was also extremely happy. I was extremely happy when we were homeless. Stressed. But happy. I was happy when we had no food. Stressed and hungry. But happy.

I like who I am. I like my life.

girlfriend44 · 02/07/2022 23:14

Would be better just to ask are you happy. Your list dosent mean ppl who don't have all that aren't happy.

Agree with poster who said good health is very important.

Moonface123 · 02/07/2022 23:39

Its nnot really your circumstances that make you happy, more your mindset and attitude. Peace of mind . l know people who could tick off all those things listed, they are still as miserable as sin.

mydogsteppedonabee · 02/07/2022 23:40

I've got everything on the list and I'm incredibly happy.
I love my life I really do... I'm grateful every day.
My life isn't perfect. I've got some health issues and my husband and I both have mental health problems.
We work hard to stay on top of it and really support one another.
We both work hard and have deserved every pay rise and promotion.
We've had money struggles in the past and am super grateful that we are in such a strong position now. Money doesn't solve anything, but it makes dealing with problems an awful lot easier

claretblue79 · 02/07/2022 23:56

As others have said, you can be happy and content without a lot of what is on the list. All seems a bit "tick box", to me. Personally, I find being part of a group and volunteering should be on there. Helps you to feel that you belong and gives a great sense of satisfaction and meaning to life. "Having it all" just seems like something a marketing person dreamed up one day, I don't think it actually means very much.

SheSaysShush · 03/07/2022 00:03

Apart from 2 & 5 I have it all. Out of choice.

girlfriend44 · 03/07/2022 00:08

Basketet · 02/07/2022 23:00

Why is marriage or a relationship listed as a a prerequisite to having it all?

Exactly.

YerAWizardHarry · 03/07/2022 00:12

I’m a teacher so my work isn’t flexible BUT I obviously only work term time only so swings and roundabouts.

many on here would argue I don’t make “good” money (£42K-ish) but we feel very very lucky and have a lovely, happy life

rainbowmilk · 03/07/2022 00:43

Single, infertile, estranged from abusive parents, toxic job that pays well but I can’t afford to leave as I have to pay for everything in my life. Don’t really have friends.

If I’m really honest I’m mostly counting down the years until I don’t have to be alive anymore which is pretty terrible.

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