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Original poster

SAHM - proposal to make things fairer

125 replies

WoundTheBobbinUp · 02/07/2022 08:39

I'm a SAHM to two toddlers, which I love but is bloody hard work. DH has a fairly demanding 9-5 job WFH. Things are currently like this:

I wake up with the kids around 6am every day
He sleeps until 7:30am during the week, or 8am at the weekend

At the weekend we both give each other a couple of hours to do our own thing, but mine generally consists of running around doing jobs so it's not really a break. To be fair, I know he would do some of the jobs but I like them done my way! So I actually don't mind doing them myself, however I'd like a rest as well. He does bits like washing up and tidying away at the end of the day while I put the kids to bed.

This morning I was thinking about how DH was getting about 2 hours to sleep while I was already up and about doing baths, breakfast, nappies etc, and how this adds up over time. I have therefore suggested that we each get 3 hours on a Saturday and Sunday to ourselves, and it starts at 6am. So if he chooses to spend his sleeping then that's up to him!

He has agreed to this but is clearly a bit put out!

I'm not being unreasonable am I? In fact, I think I'm being quite generous!

Before anyone mentions it, sleeping in is not an option for me at the moment, though I wish it was. I might use some of my 3 hours to have a nap instead Grin

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 02/07/2022 08:41

Sounds completely fair. I imagine he's put out as he's being called out on the current inequality and doesn't like that.

Bobbybobbins · 02/07/2022 08:41

I think this is a great suggestion. We do exactly the same.

toomuchlaundry · 02/07/2022 08:45

You need to loosen up a bit about chores and let him do some his way.

Does he ever put the DC to bed?

FunDragon · 02/07/2022 08:46

So you’re suggesting you each get one lie in morning at the weekend (or if not a lie in then time to yourselves to go for a run or whatever?)

Yeah I can’t see anything unfair about that. Arguably it’s better for him than the current set up because he gets until 9am on one day rather than 8am both days.

Original poster
WoundTheBobbinUp · 02/07/2022 08:47

toomuchlaundry · 02/07/2022 08:45

You need to loosen up a bit about chores and let him do some his way.

Does he ever put the DC to bed?

The chores thing works well for us, because he does all garden jobs and washes both of our cars so he does his bit. I feel that it's fairly balanced all in all.

He doesn't put the DC to bed though, they absolutely will not settle for him. We are working on changing this!

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 02/07/2022 08:49

Why are you the only one getting up early in the week? With 2 kids, I’d expect him to be getting up with you, or you taking it in turns.

Soontobe60 · 02/07/2022 08:50

WoundTheBobbinUp · 02/07/2022 08:47

The chores thing works well for us, because he does all garden jobs and washes both of our cars so he does his bit. I feel that it's fairly balanced all in all.

He doesn't put the DC to bed though, they absolutely will not settle for him. We are working on changing this!

Show quote history

The only way to change this is to leave him to it.

luxxlisbon · 02/07/2022 08:59

Having your “free time” at 6am is stupid, it’s not really free time since you are limited in what you can do. One of you can hardly decide to meet a friend for a drink, get your hair done or go shopping etc.
He needs to be up in the week with the kids in the morning. While he isn’t at work parenting is 50/50. Then you each get a lie in on the weekend. You might not sleep but just a leisurely start while the other one deals with the kids.
Then you can take it in turns, every other week or as things come up to have actual free time on an afternoon.

Bunnycat101 · 02/07/2022 09:01

He is incredibly lucky to have a wfh role so I think you need to be making the most of that and he should be doing some of the bedtimes. If you just do it all they’ll never settle and he’ll never get that time with them. Even if he just did bath times at first that would help or do stories etc. I’d want to be tackling that rather than the mornings tbh.

luxxlisbon · 02/07/2022 09:02

He doesn't put the DC to bed though, they absolutely will not settle for him. We are working on changing this!

Also this is rubbish and I see women making martyrs of themselves all the time over this. They WILL settle for their own dad. They don’t settle as well at the minute because he doesn’t do it. He needs to do it to get better.
If my husband hasn’t put the baby to bed for a few days in a row she obviously gets more used to me doing it and it takes longer for him to do it. After a few nights in a row of him doing it they settle into their routine again.

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 02/07/2022 09:03

Your proposal is fairer, but he's still getting the better end of the bargain.

Hankunamatata · 02/07/2022 09:05

We each had lie in Saturday or Sunday until 10am.

FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 02/07/2022 09:06

Why isn’t he doing any of the getting up during the week? That’s just part of parenting - even if you’re going to work all day.

Mally100 · 02/07/2022 09:06

What is he doing after 5pm? That's an early work finish and he is at home! Why can't you spend one or two evenings a week getting down to household chores and the rest just maintaining? He should be doing dinner at least a few times a week. You have a very easy set up so this shouldn't be hard work. Even if you wanted to meet a friend or do anything during the week, your dh finishes at 5pm and he is literally right there! I can't see why there should be any issue here, you are very lucky to have this setup.

Bellsbeachwaves · 02/07/2022 09:06

Change it now before it goes on and on. You're a sahm. Do you have pension provision, savings, financial plan for the future. No he doesn't get to lie in bed while you're doing all the kids stuff. Between hours of say 9-5 you're both at work - you kids, him work - then around that is 50/50. Don't fall into sahm trap.

Bellsbeachwaves · 02/07/2022 09:07

Oh and go out while he does bedtime:)

FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 02/07/2022 09:07

If it’s a choice of doing bedtime or tidying up the kitchen/downstairs etc, I’d take bedtime every single time. 🤣

GreatCrash · 02/07/2022 09:08

Totally agree with you OP. I'm an early bird and DH is a night owl. He's not lazy at all and definitely pulls his weight, but he does seem to think of the day as starting when he gets up (in terms of division of labour). Forgetting the fact that I'll probably have been up for a couple of hours by then!

RockingMyFiftiesNot · 02/07/2022 09:09

I think that's workable, as long as it's not the only free time you get and just the way you share weekend mornings.
You do need time to be able to meet friend/just chill on your own etc on top of that.

Bellsbeachwaves · 02/07/2022 09:09

He is miffed because it's been working very well for him so far 😂🙄

MolliciousIntent · 02/07/2022 09:10

You've already got free time, you're just choosing to waste it being a skivvy! Stop doing that!

HavfrueDenizKisi · 02/07/2022 09:10

Soontobe60 · 02/07/2022 08:49

Why are you the only one getting up early in the week? With 2 kids, I’d expect him to be getting up with you, or you taking it in turns.

This!

A demanding 9-5 WFH job. Yeah right. My DH works in a demanding 8-whatever job in the City and he would never have let me get up every morning on my own with the kids when they were young. You need to knock that bullshit on the head now.

We did one morning each on weekends so if you want to lie in, great, or go running etc up to you. That worked well until kids were older and were more independent.

greenerfingers · 02/07/2022 09:11

luxxlisbon · 02/07/2022 08:59

Having your “free time” at 6am is stupid, it’s not really free time since you are limited in what you can do. One of you can hardly decide to meet a friend for a drink, get your hair done or go shopping etc.
He needs to be up in the week with the kids in the morning. While he isn’t at work parenting is 50/50. Then you each get a lie in on the weekend. You might not sleep but just a leisurely start while the other one deals with the kids.
Then you can take it in turns, every other week or as things come up to have actual free time on an afternoon.

I agree with this.

I think it's unfair to judge someone without any knowledge of them and say he's being put out because you called him up on things being unequal 🙄🙄. However I think telling someone they need to wake at 6am every weekend is a bit pointless and would put me out no matter what 😅.

Why doesn't he wake at 6am some days of the weekdays while you have a lay in till 7:30 and he gets ready for work? Or even 8:30 depending what time his job starts. I think that would even things a bit and you have some rest.

Also agree about throwing him in the deep end with bedtime routine for a couple weeks, perhaps go out so the children know you aren't around to save the day and they absolutely must sleep with their dad.

araiwa · 02/07/2022 09:12

Wtf are either of you supposed to do with free time at 6am on Sunday?

Ridiculous idea

violetbunny · 02/07/2022 09:13

You should both have equal sleeping time, lie ins and leisure time. He's being a 1950s asshole.