SAHM - proposal to make things fairer

[WoundTheBobbinUp]

I'm a SAHM to two toddlers, which I love but is bloody hard work. DH has a fairly demanding 9-5 job WFH. Things are currently like this:

I wake up with the kids around 6am every day
He sleeps until 7:30am during the week, or 8am at the weekend

At the weekend we both give each other a couple of hours to do our own thing, but mine generally consists of running around doing jobs so it's not really a break. To be fair, I know he would do some of the jobs but I like them done my way! So I actually don't mind doing them myself, however I'd like a rest as well. He does bits like washing up and tidying away at the end of the day while I put the kids to bed.

This morning I was thinking about how DH was getting about 2 hours to sleep while I was already up and about doing baths, breakfast, nappies etc, and how this adds up over time. I have therefore suggested that we each get 3 hours on a Saturday and Sunday to ourselves, and it starts at 6am. So if he chooses to spend his sleeping then that's up to him!

He has agreed to this but is clearly a bit put out!

I'm not being unreasonable am I? In fact, I think I'm being quite generous!

Before anyone mentions it, sleeping in is not an option for me at the moment, though I wish it was. I might use some of my 3 hours to have a nap instead

Agree with this.

Free time at 6am is really to call DH out for sleeping in.

Should be in the middle or at the end of the day when the chores are most demanding.

I'm not suggesting that anyone has to use their alone time at 6am! I'm saying we each get 3 hours to ourselves, and if DH one of us spends it sleeping in then they don't get to take it again later. My way of getting him to understand that the day starts when the kids get up, not when he chooses to arise!

Oh. Fair enough. But are you going to have to communicate each and every time when your 3 hours starts?!

But does that mean you still don’t get a lie in?

. I have therefore suggested that we each get 3 hours on a Saturday and Sunday to ourselves, and it starts at 6am

You literally said the free time must start at 6am.
Your husband should be doing at least one of the mornings on the weekend, if not both together because you’re a family but 6-9am isn’t free time. You should get some genuine free time to use if you really want to stop long term resentment building.
The 6-9am is just basic parenting and isn’t either if you really doing the other a favour.

Why don’t you just do alternate days? One gets up Saturday and the other Sunday?

I dont think thats a great solution to be honest.
A lot of couples take turns at the weekend to get up and do kids, and still ensure each other gets some leisure time across the week in normal daytime hours.

I also dont see why he doest get up every other mornings before work to sort kids and leave you for an extra half hour in bed.

If you feel some tasks can only be done by you.find some other ones he is capable of.

Or don't control the outcome of the tasks! So much weight can be lifted by allowing a partner to just do it their way. I really doesn't matter in the end.

You’ve just misunderstood. She means that any free time taken from 6am onwards counts towards the total, so if he sleeps in until 9 that’s his 3 hours gone. He can’t have a lie in and then take another 3 hours on top of that, while she only gets 3 hours without the additional lie in.

this is easy peasy - 1 person gets up with kids Sat the other gets up Sunday. You each have a half day out/in alone with the kids whilst the other person has their half day free-time to do what they want then there are 2 half days to do something as a family.
Just dont fall into the trap of this bit that you've written "but mine generally consists of running around doing jobs so it's not really a break. To be fair, I know he would do some of the jobs but I like them done my way! So I actually don't mind doing them myself, however I'd like a rest as well""............as soon as we communicate to our spouses that we do something much better than them then there is never incentive for them to learn to do it well!!!

You sound controlling.

This how I understand it too!

Hardly she is asking for a fair amount of equal down time and he can choose how he spends his down time.

I think you need to be careful with chores and wanting them done "your way" TBH. Unless you want to be lumbered over the years.If he is WFH 9/5 each day he must have plenty of time to help.My Nieces DH uses his lunch break to play with DC help with lunch etc.I would propose a lie in in turns over WE .Also he takes over some chores .Washing cars is a random chore and fairly enjoyable ,radio on, sun out hosing! More hoovering /washing and so on .

If your DH wfh and doesn’t start til 9 then why are you getting up at 6am every morning and he lies in? He could get the kids up and breakfasted etc and you take over at 8am. DH and I used to alternate the early starts in the week as he didn’t need to leave the house for work til 8.30am ish.

We also had one lie in each on a weekend. And also some free alone time at some point over the weekend. It wasn’t set in stone, but we usually made it work.

DH would do half the bedtimes (ie one kid) if he was home on time. And I do know what you mean about doing the chores yourself, but he is perfectly capable, so delegate and accept it might be done a bit differently, but don’t accept it being done badly just so he doesn’t have to do it again!

Honestly, don't even talk about the mornings... I would bloody love to sleep in just once

He basically will not get up. I know it's not acceptable, I'm working on him. It's very unfair but not worth LTB over yet

He gets a lot more free time than you do. Even if he spends it sleeping.

He should be getting up with the the kids a couple of morning and doing bedtime too.

Of course they won't settle for him - he has bugger all to do with them!

I guessed. He's an arsehole.

Don't underestimate your partner washing cars and doing all the garden maintenance. It is why many old people downsize because of heavy duty chores. This is MN and I sometimes think reading a story book to a child at night is considered more onerous than washing cars ( neither of you works out of the home, do you need two cars?)
If on his sole job he is managing to provide and pay for two cars that is impressive

@Parkperson00 you don’t wash cars every day, child’s bedtime is everyday

Also, how old are your toddlers ? Surely at least one is at nursery and you get some time then?
If you worked even one day a week, it would give you a way back to work once your toddlers are at school which is only going to be a couple of years away.
Being away from the house will give your husband the opportunity to step up without you being critical of the way he does tasks

I totally agree, I hate gardening and washing cars! Very glad to have him do it. I am happy with the way we split jobs around the house. It's only the lack of downtime that bothers me.

We do need both of the cars as we are very rural, luckily we bought them both while I was still working!

@Parkperson00 if he refuses to do mornings and doesn’t do evenings I wouldn’t want to factor in work into that as well

Nope, they're 2 year old twins! They'll be starting preschool next April, so that will help.

How long do you think it takes to wash two cars ? At least a couple of hours. Add in the garden stuff and it will be hours each week spent on physical jobs.
Why are these kind of physical jobs so looked down on compared to reading a story at bed time?