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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SAHM - proposal to make things fairer

125 replies

WoundTheBobbinUp · 02/07/2022 08:39

I'm a SAHM to two toddlers, which I love but is bloody hard work. DH has a fairly demanding 9-5 job WFH. Things are currently like this:

I wake up with the kids around 6am every day
He sleeps until 7:30am during the week, or 8am at the weekend

At the weekend we both give each other a couple of hours to do our own thing, but mine generally consists of running around doing jobs so it's not really a break. To be fair, I know he would do some of the jobs but I like them done my way! So I actually don't mind doing them myself, however I'd like a rest as well. He does bits like washing up and tidying away at the end of the day while I put the kids to bed.

This morning I was thinking about how DH was getting about 2 hours to sleep while I was already up and about doing baths, breakfast, nappies etc, and how this adds up over time. I have therefore suggested that we each get 3 hours on a Saturday and Sunday to ourselves, and it starts at 6am. So if he chooses to spend his sleeping then that's up to him!

He has agreed to this but is clearly a bit put out!

I'm not being unreasonable am I? In fact, I think I'm being quite generous!

Before anyone mentions it, sleeping in is not an option for me at the moment, though I wish it was. I might use some of my 3 hours to have a nap instead Grin

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 02/07/2022 13:09

If he WFH do you have to spend most of the time during working hours keeping the twins quiet or going out somewhere?

With twins I would assume 2 pairs of hands are best for morning and evening routines?

drspouse · 02/07/2022 13:10

Gardeners charge more because more of them are men.

He is taking the mick. Start by going out at bedtime - you do half the days each. Then stay in bed every other morning (it won't hurt the two year olds to wait for you or him for half an hour).

pd339 · 02/07/2022 13:16

If you insist on chores being done your way because that's what you "like" then it's reasonable for you to have to do them. Either lighten up, or accept that YABU.

DaphneeBridgerton · 02/07/2022 13:17

You’re being ridiculous. If you can’t lie in then you might as well be up surely? Why force someone else up when you’re not going to sleep either way? Let him have his sleep and then get your free time later in the day somehow I reckon

Vikinga · 02/07/2022 13:17

As a single mum who also does the gardening and washing of cars, they are not as hard as the constant housework, childcare and cooking. And I bet he's not doing the gardening and washing cars whilst also looking after toddlers. When my kids were little it was relentless - trying to do housework, shopping with kids around you, needing entertaining, feeding, bickering, keeping them safe.

However, even my shitty ex did do his fair share of mornings.

DaphneeBridgerton · 02/07/2022 13:20

Personally I get up with DD every day during the week and DH gets up with her both days on the weekend and let’s me sleep for a few hours. This works for us because he will then head off to the gym when I’m up, which is how he likes to relax/unwind whereas I prefer to sleep as much as I can!

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 02/07/2022 13:28

violetbunny · 02/07/2022 09:13

You should both have equal sleeping time, lie ins and leisure time. He's being a 1950s asshole.

Who decides what equal means, and who decides what value to place on each task.
He may feel WFH is equivalent to child-rearing.
Who decides?

We have a fairly smooth-running household with 2 kids, a business, and DP's full-time role. There are zero resentments or nitpicking at the other.
Running the house has to be done, whether with someone or not.
One has to be committed to communicating when children arrive, they're extremely time-consuming when they're young.

Child stuff is 60-40, I do most child-related duties, this is tied in with my business traveling and time spent on the business.
We share cooking, split 50-50-all from scratch.
Cleaning is split 60-40, and Dp does the 60.
Dp has a lie-in, on Saturday till 830 am and Sunday I leave her in bed, she'll rise anytime between 10 and 1130 am.

Spare time, well, dunno about that, neither of us has time for a hobby, I'm just going back to the studio to record 2 new album mixes, that's after a 7 yr hiatus.
Arrangements with friends are when there's a slot, so 4-5 times a yr.
Then we have a baby planned.

I think far too many couples make a meal out of arranging the household when children come along, just get on with it. That's the role, trying to spin 16 thousand different commitments or measuring each other's performance just creates resentment and collapses the family.

Original poster
WoundTheBobbinUp · 02/07/2022 13:34

I don't think I've expressed myself very well...

I'm not bothered about chores/household responsibilities. I just want some down time, where DH occupies the toddlers Sad

I'd like any three hours, between the hours of 6am and 6pm. He can have the same. I don't care if they're spent sleeping or shopping, just some time spent not being on high alert.

I'd love to have one morning each at the weekend to sleep in, but it's one thing he will not agree to. It's shit and he knows how much it annoys me. I just need him to know that the day starts when the DC are up, not when he drags his arse out of bed.

OP posts:
DontLikeCoffee · 02/07/2022 13:35

And I bet he's not doing the gardening and washing cars whilst also looking after toddlers.

That’s a good point. I bet he’s not car washing with twins round his feet trying to ‘help’. Where as I guarantee you’re doing the housework whilst trying to look after them too.

Iliveonahill · 02/07/2022 13:36

To be honest, as a family you have a great set up. The option to wfh has really changed parents’ lives. When my two were toddlers my husband was getting up at 6 to commute to London and not getting home until 7pm. He would then come in knackered to two tired children.

DontLikeCoffee · 02/07/2022 13:37

I'd love to have one morning each at the weekend to sleep in, but it's one thing he will not agree to.

Why? The utter selfishness of that statement.

Because he has to look after his kids by himself for a bit?

toomuchlaundry · 02/07/2022 13:41

If you cook dinner what is DH doing at the same time?

Original poster
WoundTheBobbinUp · 02/07/2022 13:43

DontLikeCoffee · 02/07/2022 13:37

I'd love to have one morning each at the weekend to sleep in, but it's one thing he will not agree to.

Why? The utter selfishness of that statement.

Because he has to look after his kids by himself for a bit?

He says they won't behave for him, only for me, so I'd end up "having to get up anyway". Yes, I've told him many times that the only way to fix this is to persevere, but apparently that's too much effort... I know, he's being an absolute dick about it.

OP posts:
BungleandGeorge · 02/07/2022 13:43

Don’t the children have a nap during the day when you could have one parent with them with minimal effort? I think you have to relax about bedtime routines and jobs not being done to your standard and share them. But yes should be one lie in each at the weekend

Original poster
WoundTheBobbinUp · 02/07/2022 13:46

toomuchlaundry · 02/07/2022 13:41

If you cook dinner what is DH doing at the same time?

I tend to cook in big batches just a couple of times per week. He entertains the DC while I do it. He is brilliant at entertaining them to be fair, he just likes to have me on hand in case they get "difficult" 🙄

OP posts:
Original poster
WoundTheBobbinUp · 02/07/2022 13:47

BungleandGeorge · 02/07/2022 13:43

Don’t the children have a nap during the day when you could have one parent with them with minimal effort? I think you have to relax about bedtime routines and jobs not being done to your standard and share them. But yes should be one lie in each at the weekend

Naps have gone out of the window unfortunately! If I do manage to get them to have a nap, they won't go to bed until 9pm and I end up falling asleep with them

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 02/07/2022 13:49

Does the split of chores mean when you are doing chores mean either you looking after DC or juggling DC at the same time, whereas when DH does his chores you are looking after the twins? He doesn’t have to juggle them

Original poster
WoundTheBobbinUp · 02/07/2022 13:52

toomuchlaundry · 02/07/2022 13:49

Does the split of chores mean when you are doing chores mean either you looking after DC or juggling DC at the same time, whereas when DH does his chores you are looking after the twins? He doesn’t have to juggle them

Yep, pretty much!

OP posts:
Original poster
WoundTheBobbinUp · 02/07/2022 13:53

Actually, I think the end of naps has been what's become too much for me. I used to relish that hour or so to just rest and enjoy the peace. Now I don't get that it just seems so relentless.

OP posts:
toomuchlaundry · 02/07/2022 13:59

Then you do need to look at the split of chores or handover the twins more so you can do your work in peace

SeemsSoUnfair · 02/07/2022 14:06

I would be turning this all its head and instead of working out when you can both have free time away from the dc, questioning why, when he works and doesn't see his dc most of weekdays 9-5, why he doesn't want to get up and spend some quality time with them in the mornings before work or do bedtime after work. When dh and I were both working FT we both missed spending time with ds so much we were working out when we could spend time with him.

You need to reframe the whole thing while they are still still young before things like homework and taking to afterschool activities etc starts and you get lumbered with all of that too, especially if you are considering restarting your work career at any point.

You have a "fairly demanding job" 9-5 and the rest should be split evenly including mornings, bath times, bedtimes. His children will go to bed for him when they get to know him better and see daddy as a care giver too. What would he do if you had to go away for a couple of days because a family member was ill?

NewYorkLassie · 02/07/2022 14:08

FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 02/07/2022 09:07

If it’s a choice of doing bedtime or tidying up the kitchen/downstairs etc, I’d take bedtime every single time. 🤣

Your children must be a lot less annoying than mine 😂

Hrpuffnstuff1 · 02/07/2022 14:11

WoundTheBobbinUp · 02/07/2022 13:34

I don't think I've expressed myself very well...

I'm not bothered about chores/household responsibilities. I just want some down time, where DH occupies the toddlers Sad

I'd like any three hours, between the hours of 6am and 6pm. He can have the same. I don't care if they're spent sleeping or shopping, just some time spent not being on high alert.

I'd love to have one morning each at the weekend to sleep in, but it's one thing he will not agree to. It's shit and he knows how much it annoys me. I just need him to know that the day starts when the DC are up, not when he drags his arse out of bed.

I don't think what you're asking is unreasonable.

toomuchlaundry · 02/07/2022 14:11

Even when they are toddler twins @FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander

FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander · 02/07/2022 14:13

toomuchlaundry · 02/07/2022 14:11

Even when they are toddler twins @FishcakesWithTooMuchCoriander

Yep. Even bedtime with toddler twins is preferable to me if the alternative is cleaning the kitchen! Or folding and putting away laundry.

I recognise others may feel differently on that one.

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