SAHM - proposal to make things fairer

[WoundTheBobbinUp]

I'm a SAHM to two toddlers, which I love but is bloody hard work. DH has a fairly demanding 9-5 job WFH. Things are currently like this:

I wake up with the kids around 6am every day
He sleeps until 7:30am during the week, or 8am at the weekend

At the weekend we both give each other a couple of hours to do our own thing, but mine generally consists of running around doing jobs so it's not really a break. To be fair, I know he would do some of the jobs but I like them done my way! So I actually don't mind doing them myself, however I'd like a rest as well. He does bits like washing up and tidying away at the end of the day while I put the kids to bed.

This morning I was thinking about how DH was getting about 2 hours to sleep while I was already up and about doing baths, breakfast, nappies etc, and how this adds up over time. I have therefore suggested that we each get 3 hours on a Saturday and Sunday to ourselves, and it starts at 6am. So if he chooses to spend his sleeping then that's up to him!

He has agreed to this but is clearly a bit put out!

I'm not being unreasonable am I? In fact, I think I'm being quite generous!

Before anyone mentions it, sleeping in is not an option for me at the moment, though I wish it was. I might use some of my 3 hours to have a nap instead

I think it's time for you to go away for a weekend.

I have twins only a few months younger so when you say they won't settle for your DH I get it - it's absolutely not the same has having one child and effectively forcing them to learn how to settle for DH or him settle them. He might settle one but then the other one kicks off then wakes the other and cycle starts again. For everyone's sakes (and we have an diner child) I do bedtimes.

Mine are also in a routine of 5am starts at the minute - difference for me is I also work full time but DH goes to work at 4am so we can't share lie ins - but If you can agree a split on the lie ins seems fair since he works from home and is just getting extra sleep whilst you get up with them.

Does he get up in the night?

If he wants to go out, even to the shop, what happens? Does he just go?
And what if you want to go out? Can he not cope with his own kids?
This you're better at it than me is bollocks. Leave him to it

would a divide and conquer approach to unruly toddler twin bedtimes be helpful?

Then your still not going to get your downtime if he wants you on hand!

Make sure you go out for it and he will have to learn rather then make excuses!

Agreed. I really couldn't be arsed making sure everyone gets the exact 'me' time. We had dc because we wanted them not to bicker about who's turn it was. Jesus.
Dc aren't chores. If either of us wanted to go out we just mentioned it and sorted it. I can't ever remember one of us arranging stuff at 6am on a Sunday ffs.

I'm glad that worked nicely for you. If I could just "mention it and sort it" when I want/need to do something then I would. Your partner was clearly a lot less of an arse than mine is, lucky you.

@Bearsan I’m not sure the OP is controlling as she doesn’t seem able to anywhere on her own, whereas I bet her DH is able to

The thing is that if he actually spent more time with them in the mornings etc then he would learn just the way you did to help their behaviour etc. I am still a SAHM, Dh had a lie in every Saturday and I had one every Sunday. We also did bed times together and separately.

Seems very unfair that you have to always be on hand in case they play up, does he realise that you don't have that option in the day time? There is no one to tag team with. The more time he spends with them the easier it will get.

Iliveonahill
Having two people at home is a different set up, not necessarily easier- one in meetings and in work calls so everyone else has to keep it down and be careful where they go (dh constantly had to be careful for kids appearing out the window on his Teams meetings!) One assuming that when the other has a break they can help out or at least take the kids for a short amount of time. More people in the house so house getting dirtier and no break from each other. When I went back to work I got an hour of just sitting in a canteen, dh only gets that twice a week

And OP I think you sound lovely and agree with whoever said you need a weekend away x

OP this is where you need to make your point. Book a Friday night in a local premier inn or similar. After DC are settled leave and spend the night and on the Saturday have a lie in, leisurely breakfast etc. Tell DH that he is responsible for the DC until you return.

When you get back ask him how it went, point out he expects you to do the 6am starts 7 days a week. All you are asking for is 1 day out of 7 for him to be the default parent. Not unreasonable.

Until he has to do it without you as back up he won’t get it.

I know he would do some of the jobs but I like them done my way

doesn't put the DC to bed though, they absolutely will not settle for him

Unclench. Honestly.

What are you like at delegating at work?

I think you've fallen into the trap of doing more yourself because it's easier in the short term but it makes life more difficult in the long term.
Your husband has to do things even if it means the children might not settle as well or chores don't get done the way you'd do them. You aren't clones and it's ok if things are different when Dad is in charge.
I made a point of leaving my husband to it regularly from when mine were babies, even though I didn't especially want to and I felt worried and a bit stressed. I had my first two before we had mobile phones too so there was absolutely no checking in.

You can't give from an empty cup. If a daily hour of quiet time is needed, implement it. At two I'd prob put them in their cots with toys or books etc. Once older, quiet time for us means staying in the playroom or garden, reading or colouring.

Plan a weekend away o
For yourself and a friend and leave him to it for the weekend kids will learn no mum around ro do bedtime and he will also have to get up with them twins are hard work however he will never learn properly if you are always there

Ohhh the point that they won’t behave for him has my blood boiling…. That’s because they don’t have consistency of care by you “D”H

One morning leave them with him go out to breakfast, coffee , movie, walk, nails whatever he is a parent and needs to act like it…. Stick up for yourself and your DC op!!

@Imogensmumma

Not sure how you go about consistency of care when the OP is a STAHM - of course they are going to want her more - she's their main carer

but mine generally consists of running around doing jobs so it's not really a break. To be fair, I know he would do some of the jobs but I like them done my way!

This is on you. You can’t criticise him for not doing housework if you try to control it.

He lives there too so maybe a way to get some time for yourself is to let him get on with stuff. If it’s not fit for purpose, let him make mistakes and he’ll learn a better way.

It sounds like OP is doing both though. Cleaning the kitchen and folding laundry with twins underfoot, and then putting them to bed by herself. The worst of both worlds!

OP your husband works 40 hours a week, plus let's say 4 hours on the weekend doing garden jobs and washing the cars - thats probably being generous. How many hours a week do you work? Every day from 6am until bedtime (assuming around 7pm?).

You need to book some things in where you will be out of the house and doing something for yourself. Book a haircut or coffee with a friend, just for an hour or so to start with and it can gradually increase. Its not fair for you to be responsible for them 24/7 and even be available when he is "looking after" them.

So you could never go out in the evening or for lunch or to the gym. Because he can’t look after them without you there. So you will never get any independence back.

As an aside, every 2 year old I know LOVES washing cars! Absolutely no reason your useless DH can't get them involved

We have a layin each usually till 9/10ish. I tend to do everything in week except bedtime we do together. Weekend it's split. We don't usually take time for ourselves unless it's a pre arranged event. But sometimes one will do stuff with kids whil other does jobs and vice versa.

So go out and leave him to it. He'll get the hang of it when he has to.
If you are saying you'd be fine with your off-duty hours at any time of day, just tell him you're doing it, and then go out and leave him. Don't ask him.

She goes out. Or does something where she isn't available (though TBF this probably means going out).