SAHM - proposal to make things fairer

[WoundTheBobbinUp]

I'm a SAHM to two toddlers, which I love but is bloody hard work. DH has a fairly demanding 9-5 job WFH. Things are currently like this:

I wake up with the kids around 6am every day
He sleeps until 7:30am during the week, or 8am at the weekend

At the weekend we both give each other a couple of hours to do our own thing, but mine generally consists of running around doing jobs so it's not really a break. To be fair, I know he would do some of the jobs but I like them done my way! So I actually don't mind doing them myself, however I'd like a rest as well. He does bits like washing up and tidying away at the end of the day while I put the kids to bed.

This morning I was thinking about how DH was getting about 2 hours to sleep while I was already up and about doing baths, breakfast, nappies etc, and how this adds up over time. I have therefore suggested that we each get 3 hours on a Saturday and Sunday to ourselves, and it starts at 6am. So if he chooses to spend his sleeping then that's up to him!

He has agreed to this but is clearly a bit put out!

I'm not being unreasonable am I? In fact, I think I'm being quite generous!

Before anyone mentions it, sleeping in is not an option for me at the moment, though I wish it was. I might use some of my 3 hours to have a nap instead

This is my view exactly!

No one said doing bedtime is hard physical labour but it's the daily grind of it.

This bloke is acting like he doesn't have kids. In what way so they actually impact in his life?

Twins are bloody hard work.

Your ‘it’s better because I like things done a certain way’ attitude means things are falling to you that don’t need to. And you should split bedtime duties even if they don’t seem to work out for him-the reason they don’t is because your children are used to your way. I’d disagree with the 6am thing too, although I would come to an agreement that you each get a lie in at the weekend and it’s a bonus if the lie in day is different to your three hour time to yourself day!!!! Life is supposed to be fun op, not regimental and controlled!!!

I think it's a clever solution that introduces some equality into your family situation. I'd just add that make sure you spend your free time doing something for yourself, rather than doing jobs for your family. It's easy to lose sight of who you are if you only ever exist to serve everyone else in your family.

You are being far too generous! As he WFH, he could give you a break each day over lunchtime, or even get up early with you some days to help with the children's breakfast and play with them before work to free you up to do other things.

He simply will not get up in the mornings. Wth does this mean? Pre kids you wouldn't have made me get up before midday during weekends. But once you have kids, you have to change some stuff.

So it is bloody unfair that you have to get up early every morning.

Could you push the bedtime back so they go to bed later and get up later? And both take turns?

Also don't worry about the way he does things. Let him get on with it.

And the kids will only get used to him doing bedtime when he starts doing it.

Could you arrange a weekend away for you so he has sole responsibility of the kids?

There was a thread from a single mother complaining about the outside chores and how she had to resort to getting her father or even her ex husband to help with these. They are every bit as much work as bed time stories .
Gardeners generally charge more than cleaners

In your opening post you said you have spent 2 hours this morning sorting out DC, breakfast etc, whilst he is in bed. And that is everyday, whilst your DH is in the house not working. Washing the cars once a week doesn’t equate to that. How much cooking does he do?

Does he actually wash the cars every week, we don’t. How much gardening does he do?

What's your point?

The free time doesn't start at 6am but choosing to use it does. So if one sleeps in past 6am, rather than get up with the kids or put a wash on, that's then free time being used. Alternatively both up at 6am and doing household duties and then can choose to go for that cocktail or whatnot whenever they decide to 'clock off'. I think it's genius!

Yes, he's just complained about the 6am thing eating into his sleep... I said "well that's easily solved, you can have your sleep on a Saturday morning and I'll have mine on a Sunday. Then we can both have some more free time later"
Apparently that's not an option!

As for regimental and controlled... I know, it's something I struggle with (I have Asperger's which may be why I'm like that)

Can you encourage your children to sleep beyond 6am, it’s far too early for them to be getting up. Or at the least, stay in their room/bed/cot until 7/7.30am.

I'm also a SAHM to 2 toddlers at the moment. My husband gets up every morning during the week around 6am with the kids and sorts their breakfast while I have another hour in bed.
I think that is fair since I'm then looking after them for the next 13 hours solid!

I don't personally see the point in you both needing to be up at 6am both weekend days. If it was me I would keep it as you each get a few hours to yourself each weekend and one of you gets up when the kids get up Saturday morning and one gets up when they get up on Sunday.

I know you've said you can't lie in so would be up anyway but you could then spend your morning in bed reading a book, going out a walk, scrolling your phone etc whatever it may be that you enjoy while he sorts the kids.
That way you're both getting a morning to yourself but also both getting a couple hours at some point over the weekend to yourselves.

I do agree though that he should help more during weekday mornings. There's no reason he should be sleeping in to 7:30 every day when you're up with the kids, I would also take that in turns personally, my Partner and I take turns doing mornings with our kids which we feel is the best way to do it

Yes I viewed the early mornings as DH spending time with his kids, as several times a week he either didn’t see them before bed, or it was literally 20 min to go til bedtime

I’m not sure he quite felt the same way about 6am starts, but 12 hours solid with them every day, plus night wakings is pretty draining. Thankfully they’re now older and mostly sleep past 7am and don’t wake in the night so life is definitely easier.

WFH made a big difference to our routine too. Suddenly he was home every night for bedtime.

No you can’t dictate he takes his free time at 6am ffs

You can however insist you get a lie in each. And within reason then pick when you want your slots off.

The thing you need to watch op is ‘I like things done my way’, that’s a short route to martyrdom.

He should be doing more, but you need to accept that means stuff won’t always get done your way, but they will get done.

I can’t get beyond the - I get up at 6am, he gets up at 7.30.

NO FUCKING WAY.

so your job is 24/7, his is 9-5?

either you both get up at 6 and start the day or you both stay in bed until 6.45 and train the kids accordingly (it can be done).

one lay in each at the weekend, rest of the time is 1 up, all up.

Jesus Christ OP.

He’s got it made living with you!

I can’t believe you tolerate what’s going on.

It sounds like a good plan to me. It's so unreasonable that you're up at 6am every single day and he is put out by doing it once. In theory would you be ok if he went downstairs and put cartoons on for the twins and dozed on the sofa?

There is honestly no point in trying to implement some sort of system to trick a man who won’t get up in the mornings with his two year old twins into being fair to you. He’s an arse.

@Clymene that on MN certain chores do not count eg gardening, household maintenance, washing cars. This is a husband who on a single salary pays for two cars ( and neither of them works out side the home). I would go down to one car and use the thousands saved each year to have a cleaner twice a week or pay for two sessions of nursery to give the OP time to herself.
Whenever I read threads on here, many posters completely disregard being the main breadwinner or doing physical chores. In a situation where both parents work full time there is much more willingness to outsource cleaning and gardening.
Some women are martyrs who love to moan without looking at real life solutions to their domestic problems. A sole breadwinner who is paying for two cars could presumably pay for a cleaner or nursery sessions

But if your saying he won't get up in the mornings, will you even get your 6am 'break'

I'm really shocked he gets a lie in, every day!

That's a complete joke, OP. What a lazy entitled git.

So he’s perfectly happy that you’re tired.

I think this needs posting again....

The below advice came from another parenting site, but it applies to your situation. You really need to take it on board

(This post is specifically geared at women in heterosexual relationships.) Ok ladies, we need to talk.

Every few weeks there's a post that makes the admin team spend a day debating if we should say something or not. These posts are always on the same theme; husbands who are not pulling their weight.

Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

one of you being on antidepressants because your husband won't help raise the children he fathered is one too many. 400+ of you being exhausted to the brink of PND and breakdowns is heartbreaking for us to watch.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.

I am sorry.

No one said they didn't count. You just made that up.

What I am counting is downtime. It is blatantly clear that the OP's husband gets a hell of a lot more downtime than she does. It's got bugger all with her being a martyr. She's married to a lazy pig. Stop making excuses for him.

And I'm a single parent and I wash my own (two!) vehicles, work full time and do all the gardening. It's not that hard.