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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH didn't help little girl

602 replies

Whatshisface · 02/07/2022 06:39

My DH was in a shopping center.

He was about to go down an escalator, but in front was a man on his phone and what he assumes was his 3/4 year old daughter.

The man was still talking away on his phone, his daughter was a step or two behind him when the dad got on the escalator.

The daughter hesitated and just stood at the top; DH then is next to the little one, who reaches out her hand to DH --- my DH didn't take it, but instead got on the escalator himself.

The man then shouted up to the girl 'stay there, stay there' as he had to walk to the opposite end of the center to get to the 'up' escalator.

DH said he looked up and a woman had stopped to stay with the little one.

I was really mortified DH hadn't either 1) taken her hand to take her down with him, or 2) stayed with her until her dad came back.

But DH said, as a male, and it being a little girl, he 100% didn't feel comfortable with either scenario.

Did he do the right thing?

I'd have instinctively taken the little one's hand and been reassuring and kind to her, taking her to her dad at the bottom. and would have resisted telling the dad what an idiot he his

OP posts:
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8
Lockheart · 02/07/2022 08:51

Earlier this year there was a thread on MN about whether you would hire a male babysitter. The overwhelming response was a resounding no, because strange men are dangerous and can't be trusted around children.

I made this point on that thread, but if this is our mentality as a society and we foster an environment where we tell men they're not to be trusted with children they don't know and we agree among ourselves that men are too great a risk, then we can't be surprised when they avoid getting involved in situations like this.

The fact it is a public place with CCTV would not stop them being quizzed by security or the the police / getting beaten up or chased out by a crowd if the parent decided to shout "get away from my kid you fucking pedo" and start having a go.

The pedo-panic in this country is frankly ridiculous. I think your DH should have been able to feel he could help without compromising his own safety.

Benjispruce4 · 02/07/2022 08:51

I teach PSHE at primary school. Whenever we talk about risk taking and safe and unsafe situations , chn are always obsessed with being ‘snatched’ by a stranger. I don’t think that level of fear is healthy.

WinterMusings · 02/07/2022 08:51

SmileyPiuPiu · 02/07/2022 07:01

There's ways to intervene though. If he'd said, let's wait back a bit from the escalator until daddy comes back and stood back a bit thats different to physically leading her way from the location in anyway. Kids need to know not to go off with strangers male or female and shouldn't be taking their hands.

Show quote history

Rubbish. Children need to learn other adults can & do help. She was scared to get on behind her Dad so looked to an adult to help her, a few paces behind her feckless Dad. Her father put her in danger, not a passing adult.

burnoutbabe · 02/07/2022 08:51

On the app it's all crossed through for me.

As a woman if This was stairs then I'd have probably stopped with the little girl.

But if it was an escalator that I had stepped on then I am committed and trying to get back up is dangerous. I may have shouted to someone -oi can you grab that girl, I can see her dad at the bottom.

HaveringWavering · 02/07/2022 08:52

butterflied · 02/07/2022 08:50

As a woman I mind my own business too. I certainly wouldn't hold the hand of a child I don't know. You risk a torrent of abuse, some parents lose their shit at what they deem interference. It's not worth it having to explain myself.

Yes, having to explain yourself would indeed be awful for you, whereas calling the ambulance and witnessing the parent’s distress when the child gets hurt would be no stress at all.

EarringsandLipstick · 02/07/2022 08:53

No, just the one line & it's not irritating

some people are just grumpy control freaks who think they own the Internet.

@WinterMusings

You should try reading the full thread before slagging people off

On the app most of the post is crossed out. Posters have provided screenshots.

I can see why it happened - OP used a double dash ( --) in her 4th paragraph. When she then tried to put in one strike through line at the end, it picked that up with the first double dash & created the strike through for half the post. The double dash being the way strikethrough is created on the app.

It didn't irritate me as I guessed what happened; it did make it a little hard to read.

Maybe think a bit before you state other people - especially when you are wrong.

WinterMusings · 02/07/2022 08:53

SmileyPiuPiu · 02/07/2022 07:12

Well yes but these things can happen even if not on your phone.

Show quote history

It can't happen if you're adequately looking after your small child around an escalator when there's one adult & one child. FGS

Benjispruce4 · 02/07/2022 08:53

I have always emphasised to my now adult DC that most people are intrinsically good and will help you.

PupInAPram · 02/07/2022 08:56

Yorkshirebred · 02/07/2022 06:42

Why have you crossed through most of your text? Irritating.

If you can't read crossed through text easily you may need a trip to specsavers. I think it's funny. We all have these kind of thoughts and repress them.

rnsaslkih · 02/07/2022 08:56

Your dh was right. Touching, talking to or interacting with the girl could be interpreted as him being a paedo or interfering. I am a woman and wouldn't interact with someone else's kid unless they were at risk of death. I've seen enough shit to know that the best strategy is to just keep away from other people.

IfIhearmumagaintoday · 02/07/2022 08:56

Tricky. As the little girl held her hand out I would of held her hand and took her down the escalators. Don't forget though OP you and I are a woman and your DH would of had a second or so to decide!

He gave you a reason and it was valid... its a sad state of affairs though that your DH or any male is worried in case he was to be accused of anything untowards.

DappledThings · 02/07/2022 08:56

I would have expected DH to help her down.

DD(4) got stuck in a soft play the other day when she decided the slide looked too big and panicked. By the time I got up there a man I didn't know was sitting with her and reassuring her. I thanked him when I got up there and could see there was a bit of worry on his part he'd done the wrong thing engaging with her at all. Such a ridiculous state of affairs that he would need to worry that way.

butterflied · 02/07/2022 08:56

HaveringWavering · 02/07/2022 08:52

Yes, having to explain yourself would indeed be awful for you, whereas calling the ambulance and witnessing the parent’s distress when the child gets hurt would be no stress at all.

Show quote history

It's my choice not to get involved. You think what you want. It's not my fault the child's parent found his phone more important than keeping an eye on her.

C152 · 02/07/2022 08:57

It wouldn't occur to me not to take a child's hand if they were in a dangerous situation, but I'm a woman and probably less likely to be accused of something untoward. If I were your husband, I would have asked the little girl to stand next to me at the side of the escalator (away from the edge, so she couldn't fall or get pushed onto it) and waited until her father arrived.

WinterMusings · 02/07/2022 08:57

YRGAM · 02/07/2022 07:15

YABU. It's too great a risk for a man to touch a child in any way in a public place.

It's NOT & the more this is incorrectly repeated the more ingrained it will become.

he was a few paces behind the feckless father, holding her hand, on an escalator which would have had at least two CCTV cameras in it.

but IDIOTS think he was right to leave a small child at the top of an escalator because 'what if?'

JESUS. STOP perpetuating nonsense

ILikeHotWaterBottles · 02/07/2022 08:58

Why are you not more annoyed at the shite dad who just walked off from his daughter and didn't bother helping her?

Your dh did the right thing. Her dad, despite being shite, would have no doubt called him a paedo for helping. It's the kind of thing idiots do after all.

Lovemusic33 · 02/07/2022 08:59

The only one in the wrong here was the child’s father, why wasn’t he holding her hand whilst getting in the escalator? I always check my kids have stepped onto it correctly and step off and they are older.

I think as a female my instinct would be to help the little girl on whilst staying to shout to the father but as a male I think it’s too risky (sadly). I don’t think your dh did anything wrong, though he could have shouted to get the fathers attention.

HaveringWavering · 02/07/2022 08:59

butterflied · 02/07/2022 08:56

It's my choice not to get involved. You think what you want. It's not my fault the child's parent found his phone more important than keeping an eye on her.

Show quote history

You’d stand back and let a child be injured just to protect yourself? That’s chilling.

Benjispruce4 · 02/07/2022 08:59

It’s quite simple to me. Always do the right thing by the child. I don’t give a shit how the parents reacts, that’s onthem. I know I’m a good person and a parent and will go out of my way to help someone or protect a child. I sleep well at night.

blugray · 02/07/2022 09:00

Whatshisface · 02/07/2022 07:38

That's exactly the bit in my mind that stuck out - I can almost see her little face and I hope she didn't feel bad when DH just went by 😓

I know it's not a big thing at all, I'm just sensitive and daft!

Show quote history

Oh god, what a dramatic post

It’s not “really, really sad” at all. It’s a kid using an escalator, don’t blow it out of proportion, she’s not being abused.

Kids ask for things all the time and have to be told no sometimes. Her parents shouldn’t teach her to reach out to random strangers for help, they should be helping her themselves so no one gets placed in this situation to begin with.

To people that don’t have kids, it’s not obvious that a child reaching their hand out wants you to help them down an escalator, plenty of kids in public have lax boundaries with strangers. Maybe she wanted something I was holding or wanted to give me something or just mess around? Also what if he tried to help her and she accidentally lost her footing or something, he would look awful. Sometimes it’s just not the place of a random person to deal with kids in public.

Toddlerteaplease · 02/07/2022 09:00

Matchingcollarandcuffs · 02/07/2022 06:43

It is a really sad state of affairs that DH use right, and so attuned to it though. He did the right thing keeping an eye

This.

BigFatLiar · 02/07/2022 09:01

Wow, I wouldn't think twice about helping but I'm a woman.

Women are assumed to be maternal and loving and would be taking care of the child (we all know on MN that all mums are like this). Women do take/hurt children, men take/hurt children, other children take/hurt children.

Most people are actually pretty caring as far as kids go. As it was the dad who had wandered off not paying attention he'd probably been ok with the husband bringing the girls down the escalator.

IfIhearmumagaintoday · 02/07/2022 09:01

Benjispruce4 · 02/07/2022 08:51

I teach PSHE at primary school. Whenever we talk about risk taking and safe and unsafe situations , chn are always obsessed with being ‘snatched’ by a stranger. I don’t think that level of fear is healthy.

I agree with this too... its sad for the little girl who will not be aware of the reason she was left stood at the top of the escalators.

I hear what others are saying about being worried... but the little girl was asking for HELP!

WinterMusings · 02/07/2022 09:02

justfiveminutes · 02/07/2022 07:19

"He would have been leading her away from the spot her dad last had her to go down the escalator if he'd chosen that option. And I don't think that would have been wise as the child needs to know not to go off with strangers."

Dad at the bottom of the escalator though, watching. In a risk assessment, I think moving her from the top of a moving escalator, with her dad waiting at the bottom of the escalator, is better than leaving her at the top as a lesson in stranger danger.

I know I'm going on a bit now but I am genuinely so surprised and appalled by so many pp saying that men shouldn't help children.

Maybe they need to do it more to start changing public perceptions.

Maybe us mums have created this atmosphere in which a man won't help a child and we think that's the right thing to do.

@justfiveminutes

totally agree!!

Wolfieandboy · 02/07/2022 09:03

I would expect my dh would have stopped by the child and waited or grabbed the hand if it was an emergency. Of course you don’t leave a child that could fall or panic at the top of an escalator. The men who think better safe than sorry when it comes to getting involved are just thinking of themselves rather than the vulnerable child. That is very unattractive.
I watched a toddler sprint off and race across a busy crossing. I was in a car and not close enough to help but the first car just drove past him and he was in the middle but looking back to mum ready to run back. A young woman tried to talk to him and I was just thinking she needed to grab the tiny flight risk. A man approaching stretched his arm like mr tickle and made the grab while the car drivers in that Lane kept going. It could have been a disaster without that man. We just thought that was the parent approach rather than the non parent.