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Original poster

DH didn't help little girl

602 replies

Whatshisface · 02/07/2022 06:39

My DH was in a shopping center.

He was about to go down an escalator, but in front was a man on his phone and what he assumes was his 3/4 year old daughter.

The man was still talking away on his phone, his daughter was a step or two behind him when the dad got on the escalator.

The daughter hesitated and just stood at the top; DH then is next to the little one, who reaches out her hand to DH --- my DH didn't take it, but instead got on the escalator himself.

The man then shouted up to the girl 'stay there, stay there' as he had to walk to the opposite end of the center to get to the 'up' escalator.

DH said he looked up and a woman had stopped to stay with the little one.

I was really mortified DH hadn't either 1) taken her hand to take her down with him, or 2) stayed with her until her dad came back.

But DH said, as a male, and it being a little girl, he 100% didn't feel comfortable with either scenario.

Did he do the right thing?

I'd have instinctively taken the little one's hand and been reassuring and kind to her, taking her to her dad at the bottom. and would have resisted telling the dad what an idiot he his

OP posts:
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Meraas · 02/07/2022 14:39

It’s so strange that helping a child isn’t instinctive for many people.

It’s something me or DH would do instinctually.

The excuses people are coming up with not to help are astounding.

vivainsomnia · 02/07/2022 14:41

But we all know there's no smoke without fire. Even if it didn't get to court the very accusation would spread within the community. You could deny any wrong doing but you would wouldn't you
Then it would be a reflection of how messed up the community is. All that would matter are people who know them, and they would know better.

GoodHearted · 02/07/2022 14:48

I read something once about a survey reporting 9 out of 10 adult males would not help a child lost in a supermarket for fear of being branded a pedophile. I honestly don't blame them.

GoodHearted · 02/07/2022 14:57

Meraas · 02/07/2022 14:39

It’s so strange that helping a child isn’t instinctive for many people.

It’s something me or DH would do instinctually.

The excuses people are coming up with not to help are astounding.

I don't think it's about not having a helpful instinct, it's just the suspicious world we live in now. People don't want to put themselves in a position where they could be (especially men) branded the worst possible type of criminal. There was an old man a few years ago now who took a small child by the hand and walked away to find a security guard in a shopping centre until the mother reappeared and stopped him. He was a genuinely kind old man who was oblivious to how things are now, but the abuse he got on social media was horrific.

5128gap · 02/07/2022 14:58

vivainsomnia · 02/07/2022 14:41

But we all know there's no smoke without fire. Even if it didn't get to court the very accusation would spread within the community. You could deny any wrong doing but you would wouldn't you
Then it would be a reflection of how messed up the community is. All that would matter are people who know them, and they would know better.

Thats very naive indeed. Both in thinking support is guaranteed, and in thinking those who know them would know better.
I knew someone who was accused of impropriety involving children. Lovely man, never an inkling of anything untoward. His supporters were outnumbered by the no smoke without fire people.
Oh, and he was found guilty, as it turned out.

AliasGrape · 02/07/2022 14:58

Meraas · 02/07/2022 14:39

It’s so strange that helping a child isn’t instinctive for many people.

It’s something me or DH would do instinctually.

The excuses people are coming up with not to help are astounding.

Yeah, I think that’s what I meant when I said it was eye opening.

Yes I do know that there are idiots and bad parents and aggressive types and people who get hysterical about ‘pedos’ out there - but I really didn’t think it was to the level that the majority of people just accepted it, that it would stop them from helping a child who needed it, that they would think it nothing to do with them if a child did need help, and that they would commend a man for refusing to help. That they think it’s better to bow down to the idiots and the pedo hysteria and just accept that no man should ever help a child, that only women can concern themselves with the welfare of children (and even then, with reservations).

I don’t recognise that and I don’t really know anyone else who is open about feeling that way either; though of course they might do and it’s just never come up.

Izzabellasasperella · 02/07/2022 14:59

I think your dh should have helped perhaps not holding her hand but should have stayed with her and called out to the Dad. She was in danger. I know my dh would've helped as would I.
When ds was about 3 he took a tumble on an escalator, he managed to get away from dh and fell down about 3 steps. A couple were stood at the bottom just staring at him as he rolled down at their feet. We were behind ds with dd so it was difficult to get down to pick him up. I would have been so grateful to the couple if one of them had lifted him away. I was scared his hair or clothes would get caught in those metal teeth.

BadNomad · 02/07/2022 15:05

Izzabellasasperella · 02/07/2022 14:59

I think your dh should have helped perhaps not holding her hand but should have stayed with her and called out to the Dad. She was in danger. I know my dh would've helped as would I.
When ds was about 3 he took a tumble on an escalator, he managed to get away from dh and fell down about 3 steps. A couple were stood at the bottom just staring at him as he rolled down at their feet. We were behind ds with dd so it was difficult to get down to pick him up. I would have been so grateful to the couple if one of them had lifted him away. I was scared his hair or clothes would get caught in those metal teeth.

Maybe a dumb question, but why weren't one of you holding his hand? And when he fell, why did the one not holding DD not go grab him?

SheepingStandingUp · 02/07/2022 15:08

DH says he'd have shouted down to the guy and made the little girl wait at the top. Seems like the most sensible approach tbf

SheepingStandingUp · 02/07/2022 15:12

Comedycook · 02/07/2022 13:34

Your dh was right.

I've told this story many times but I once stopped a toddler falling through the gap between the train and a platform when the dad wasn't looking at what she was doing. I was eight months pregnant at the time...I hardly look liked I was a danger to a child. The father gave me the filthiest look ever.

But presumably you'd take a dirty look over a dead strangers child tho, so in that situation you'd do the same.

Izzabellasasperella · 02/07/2022 15:13

Maybe a dumb question, but why weren't one of you holding his hand? And when he fell, why did the one not holding DD not go grab him?
Dh was holding his hand but he wriggled away and got down quite a few steps then fell. It all happened so fast. His Dad did pick him
up.We were coming down a moving escalator rushing to get to the bottom so it was difficult.

SheepingStandingUp · 02/07/2022 15:15

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 02/07/2022 14:11

@Comedycook

Your dh was right.

I've told this story many times but I once stopped a toddler falling through the gap between the train and a platform when the dad wasn't looking at what she was doing. I was eight months pregnant at the time...I hardly look liked I was a danger to a child. The father gave me the filthiest look ever.

100% this. ^ THIS is why people (men in particular) don't want to intervene in such circumstances.

Because they might get a dirty look? So it's better to just let the kid die or be seriously injured potentially?

DomPerignon12 · 02/07/2022 15:30

@Izzabellasasperella they might not have realised the danger? They might not have known how to pick a child up? They might have just zoned out?
the only people meant to be on alert are parents. Not the entire general public o

CPL593H · 02/07/2022 15:45

ChorltonCreamery · 02/07/2022 13:37

I have not read all 18 pages so forgive me. I was in The Arndale Centre once when I heard a man shouting that the little girl he was carrying wasn’t his. He had caught her when she fell potentially saving her life, and was clearly terrified of being with this child . He was deliberately drawing attention to himself. Before a very grateful mother and grandmother appeared, women and a security guard appeared to help. A very posh woman was telling him to calm down as CCTV would have exonerated him anyway.
Had I been your husband I think I would have helped the girl while drawing attention to myself and asking passing women to help. A sad reflection of our world.

I think doing what you have to in ensuring the child's safety while drawing attention to the situation and enlisting the help (at least presence) of others is possibly the safest course, especially for men. This has been going on a long time; I was a child around the time of the Moors murders and we were still told to "ask a policeman or a grown up lady" if in need of help.

Another thought occurred; if there is no one else around at all, putting in a 999 call would alert the police to what is happening (and would not be what an abductor would do) In case this is seen as misuse of resources, a lost small child wandering on their own is what I think most of us would class as an emergency.

Izzabellasasperella · 02/07/2022 15:47

DomPerignon12 · 02/07/2022 15:30

@Izzabellasasperella they might not have realised the danger? They might not have known how to pick a child up? They might have just zoned out?
the only people meant to be on alert are parents. Not the entire general public o

No I know they didn't have to do anything but I would have picked up a child in a situation like that.
I once found a lost toddler at a festival, watched him for a while but no sign of anyone with him so I picked him up and wandered around looking for his parents/ care giver. No one around. He was so cute a bit like a less feral version of the little boy in Mad Max😀 We took him to the lost and found tent he didn't want to let go of me. Again I would hope that someone would do the same for my child. Well I would hope I wouldn't lose them at such a busy festival but toddlers can move fast😀

aletterfromseneca · 02/07/2022 17:11

Meraas · 02/07/2022 14:39

It’s so strange that helping a child isn’t instinctive for many people.

It’s something me or DH would do instinctually.

The excuses people are coming up with not to help are astounding.

I’d say I instinctually want to help. It’s the second guessing my instincts that stops me (as a man)

Ohthatsexciting · 02/07/2022 17:18

The op and dh doesn’t have children

poor chap probably has very limited if anyone experience with young children

LookItsMeAgain · 02/07/2022 17:54

Whatshisface · 02/07/2022 08:11

So weird! If you switch to the website via your phone (not app) then it should be correct!

Show quote history

You're so right. I've just checked this out through a browser and it's only the last sentence that is crossed out.

MN Admins - if you're still lurking around, you might want to check that out on the app.

Anyway, as you were 😊

1000Pieces · 02/07/2022 18:10

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 02/07/2022 13:23

Frankly, the apologists for this little girl's father's poor parenting and neglect are somewhere between hilarious and disturbing and shocking. Parenting has certainly changed since mine were little if ANYONE is finding this girl's father's behaviour acceptable. I used to look after mine, and hold their hand whilst we were out, everywhere! And always on an escalator.

I certainly would not have been fucking around on my phone whilst my pre-school children were way behind me on an escalator. It speaks volumes about some posters on here that they think this girl's father did no wrong, and the OP's husband is in the wrong. Dear God! Shock I can't believe some of the posts I am reading on here!

Literally not one person on this thread has said that the father was not in the wrong.

No one. Not once. Not even slightly.

You are reading and shouting about something that simply isn't there.

Some parents are shit and neglectful and endanger their children. The question is about what other people should do in that situation.

1000Pieces · 02/07/2022 18:12

Meraas · 02/07/2022 14:30

💯 agree

Show quote history

I also think @justfiveminutes is absolutely right.

beautyisthefaceisee · 02/07/2022 18:20

@vivainsomnia good for them, but they didn't create the situation in the first place. Society did.

Ifthingscouldgetbetter · 02/07/2022 19:15

Its only the last sentence crossed through can't see a problem with that.
I don't blame your dh. Even as a woman I'd be wary. I found a lost child in a supermarket and just bent to talk to her to take her to customer services and her parent came rushing over giving me a filthy accusing look and made me feel like a criminal!

Original poster
Whatshisface · 02/07/2022 19:15

I should say - DH did hang around at the bottom of the escalator (not right at the bottom but in the vicinity!) even after he saw the woman with the little one at the top, until the Dad had had chance to go back up via the opposite end (maybe 5-6 minutes) and collect his daughter.

I can understand his instinctual reaction, and realise my decision/act to intervene would have been different, but only because I'm female!

OP posts:
Glencanto · 02/07/2022 19:25

I’m male and I think I would have frozen here too.

I’m generally the first to help adult strangers or animals, and often go far out of my way to do so. Just this week I took a (I assume homeless but didn’t ask) person shoe shopping. They were barefoot, asking passers by for any spare shoes and being ignored - I couldn’t walk on by. I tried to give them some money too but they declined.

A child though? I’d hesitate for the reasons described in this thread. If a little girl tried to hold my hand, and I had to make a split-second decision, I think the fear would cause me to hesitate. I’d feel terrible for it afterwards, I’m sure.

HaveringWavering · 02/07/2022 19:30

BigFatLiar · 02/07/2022 14:33

But we all know there's no smoke without fire. Even if it didn't get to court the very accusation would spread within the community. You could deny any wrong doing but you would wouldn't you.

Show quote history

I think you are misunderstanding the expression “no smoke without fire” here! In this scenario the starting point is that the men involved are completely innocent, so that means that there is no fire…

I think what you are trying to say is that we all know the expression ”no smoke without fire” i.e. we all know that lots of people believe this. Not that we all “know” that there is a grain of truth in every accusation of paedophilia…?