DH didn't help little girl

[Whatshisface]

My DH was in a shopping center.

He was about to go down an escalator, but in front was a man on his phone and what he assumes was his 3/4 year old daughter.

The man was still talking away on his phone, his daughter was a step or two behind him when the dad got on the escalator.

The daughter hesitated and just stood at the top; DH then is next to the little one, who reaches out her hand to DH --- my DH didn't take it, but instead got on the escalator himself.

The man then shouted up to the girl 'stay there, stay there' as he had to walk to the opposite end of the center to get to the 'up' escalator.

DH said he looked up and a woman had stopped to stay with the little one.

I was really mortified DH hadn't either 1) taken her hand to take her down with him, or 2) stayed with her until her dad came back.

But DH said, as a male, and it being a little girl, he 100% didn't feel comfortable with either scenario.

Did he do the right thing?

I'd have instinctively taken the little one's hand and been reassuring and kind to her, taking her to her dad at the bottom. and would have resisted telling the dad what an idiot he his

I think you probably need to stop now @justfiveminutes you're embarrassing yourself.

No one said the father did no wrong. He fucked up and it could have had fatal consequences.

But the thread is about a person walking past and thinking 'not my problem.'

I couldn't. Until today, I thought nobody could do that. It's been an eye-opener.

@justfiveminutes

It's got worse because hysterical people see danger everywhere and others go along with it.

dp ignored a child in potential danger, making themselves part of the problem.

Hard to make instant decisions that nobody can question with the benefit of perfect hindsight.

Your dh was right.

I've told this story many times but I once stopped a toddler falling through the gap between the train and a platform when the dad wasn't looking at what she was doing. I was eight months pregnant at the time...I hardly look liked I was a danger to a child. The father gave me the filthiest look ever.

"Hard to make instant decisions that nobody can question with the benefit of perfect hindsight."

I do agree with that actually. I defended op's dh earlier because he did only have seconds to make his decision. He also felt sufficiently worried to look back to see that somebody else had stopped to help.

But you saved that child so the filthy look means nothing. People react badly when they feel guilty, are confused or worried. I bet whenever he thinks back to that event, he knows how lucky he was that you were there.

I have not read all 18 pages so forgive me. I was in The Arndale Centre once when I heard a man shouting that the little girl he was carrying wasn’t his. He had caught her when she fell potentially saving her life, and was clearly terrified of being with this child . He was deliberately drawing attention to himself. Before a very grateful mother and grandmother appeared, women and a security guard appeared to help. A very posh woman was telling him to calm down as CCTV would have exonerated him anyway.
Had I been your husband I think I would have helped the girl while drawing attention to myself and asking passing women to help. A sad reflection of our world.

"A sad reflection of our world."

It isn't like this in the other countries I have experience of. We've made it like this. I'm glad that man helped and the family were grateful. It isn't going to get better because this thread shows how many people are quite happy with things as they are.

I can understand your DH's thinking. He knew there was a father there, he knew there were other people around, and the child wasn't in critical danger. So he didn't need to put himself at risk to help the child. And it is a risk for a man to touch a child who is not his own. I'm sure it would have been different if he was the only person around.

Even as a woman, I don't involve myself or interact with strangers' children. I'll only touch one to save a life. In this scenario, I wouldn't have walked the child down the escalator, either, but I probably would have waited with them until the parent got there if there was no one else doing it.

I think @justfiveminutes is absolutely right.

Literally nobody has said that though?

He might be a terrible parent from start to finish. He might have been checking his phone frantically because he was waiting to hear about a job or a sick relative or something, which doesn’t mean he wasn’t wrong to be distracted in this situation, but just that it’s not an automatic leap from ‘on phone when he shouldn’t be’ to ‘terrible parent and violent, aggressive man who will punch you and accuse you of being a pedophile as soon as look at you’.

Either way it’s not the little girl’s fault, and doesn’t make it ‘the right thing to do’ to ignore her and leave her in a dangerous situation. Which it was, however people want to spin it.

This thread has been really eye opening as to how a lot of people think, and it’s bloody depressing actually. Just because some/ lots of people think any man within 6 feet of a child could only possibly be there for nefarious purposes, it doesn’t mean we should just give into them and say that 50% of the population should never help a child.

And the amount of people saying DH was right because they once helped a child and didn’t get profuse thanks or got a filthy look - better that than a dead/ injured child though surely?

I honestly thought that, had the child in question fallen and been injured, the DH would have received the same level of criticism that people were predicting here for being a suspected pervert. But it seems not, and people genuinely believe it’s better to leave a child in danger, that preventing a small child from coming to harm if we can is just a nice optional extra but not something we should expect of each other and certainly not of men. That’s really bloody depressing, and makes children less safe overall.

I mean it's pretty obvious why it's safer for women to help.... we tend not to rape and murder people very much. I don't give a shit if men feel scared to help. Maybe they should try and address their genders propensity for violence.

Some people do have some comprehension problems...

I never said I wouldn't help the girl, or that no-one should, just that I can understand why the OP's husband didn't. And I think aiming vitriol at him and excusing the girls' father's neglect is appalling.

"I don't give a shit if men feel scared to help."

You might not care about them but do you care about the child who goes unhelped?

girl's not girls'

unfortunately in todays society men have to be careful especially around children and especially girls.

my husband has had a lot of abuse when DC was younger, one for parking in a parent and child spot because it’s apparently a mother and child spot and men shouldn’t use it.

other times when he and his friend have taken DC and friends DC to the park they have been called all sorts.

Also while it may be rare these stories do the rounds

Women kidnaps child blames father

while the patriarchy is a system it doesn’t always implicitly mean that men get advantages. They get treated as predators, and when it comes to getting arrested or sentenced they are more lily to be arrested and get longer sentaces for the same crime as a women.

My DH said while he would want to help, in that situation he would call me, and if I wasn’t there he would walk on by because he doesn’t want to risk the repercussions

@Comedycook

Your dh was right.

I've told this story many times but I once stopped a toddler falling through the gap between the train and a platform when the dad wasn't looking at what she was doing. I was eight months pregnant at the time...I hardly look liked I was a danger to a child. The father gave me the filthiest look ever.

100% this. ^ THIS is why people (men in particular) don't want to intervene in such circumstances.

I blame the mothers that raised them to be like that.

I think he was right to act as he did. I wouldn’t have took her hand and I’m a female…don’t interact with other people’s children is pretty wise, unless we’re talking life or death scenarios.

I think @justfiveminutes is absolutely right
Me too. My OH, my DS, my daughter's boyfriend would have helped without a thought. If it meant being taken to court to prove they are not paedos, so be it. It would be on the idiotic parents to make such accusations towards a man who kept their child safe when they themselves were negligent.

💯 agree

But we all know there's no smoke without fire. Even if it didn't get to court the very accusation would spread within the community. You could deny any wrong doing but you would wouldn't you.

I think the Venn diagram of histrionic people accusing anyone who doesn't immediately jump to put any random child first and the shit parents who frequently forget about their children then scream "paedo" at whoever dared to help them when the guilt kicks in is a circle.

Look at that other thread that's going at the moment where the teacher just has to be a paedo because he dared tell off someone's little darling. If you contribute to this kind of thinking then this is what you get, suddenly your kid is basically a live land mine that no one wants to touch regardless of how close to being eaten by a crocodile or falling into a crevasse or jet skiing off the edge of the earth they are, better put the reigns back on I suppose.

I wouldn't have touched or stayed with the child either and I'm female, it wouldn't even occur to me that it was anything to do with me. I'd think any man who took her hand was taking a huge risk.

I think people underestimate just how incentivised a guilty feeling parent who knows they're in the wrong is to lash out at anyone who might be blamed for whatever has happened to their all of a sudden more memorable and precious baybee. Look at all the stories of ungrateful parents suddenly arriving on the scene full of recriminations and insults once the child is found, I think those are more common than many might think.