DH didn't help little girl

[Whatshisface]

My DH was in a shopping center.

He was about to go down an escalator, but in front was a man on his phone and what he assumes was his 3/4 year old daughter.

The man was still talking away on his phone, his daughter was a step or two behind him when the dad got on the escalator.

The daughter hesitated and just stood at the top; DH then is next to the little one, who reaches out her hand to DH --- my DH didn't take it, but instead got on the escalator himself.

The man then shouted up to the girl 'stay there, stay there' as he had to walk to the opposite end of the center to get to the 'up' escalator.

DH said he looked up and a woman had stopped to stay with the little one.

I was really mortified DH hadn't either 1) taken her hand to take her down with him, or 2) stayed with her until her dad came back.

But DH said, as a male, and it being a little girl, he 100% didn't feel comfortable with either scenario.

Did he do the right thing?

I'd have instinctively taken the little one's hand and been reassuring and kind to her, taking her to her dad at the bottom. and would have resisted telling the dad what an idiot he his

You're doing a lot of guessing there. He was on his phone and should have been holding her hand. That doesn't mean he's 'not nice' or would attack someone who said 'shall I bring her down for you?'

All just pathetic excuses for not helping.

Easy for you to say as (presumably) a woman.

He’s right, but it’s very sad that it is.
My DD fell over on her scooter once and she was screaming and ahead of me in a park, she fell at a man’s feet and he helped her up while I was running over, I thanked him. I told my mum and she was horrified that a stranger had ‘touched DD’. Some people are batshit crazy and think a man can do no right, and therfore it’s safer for men to not put themselves in positions that they could be accused of something.
The worlds a tricky place to navigate for both men and women.

"I assume it wasn't just DH and the child, so what about all the other people around her?"

Well op's question was about her dh's failure to help so that's what most people have focused on.

Yes, there were other people around and one person helped.

I don't think 'don't help if you see a child in danger, it is their parents' fault, or anyway someone else will probably help won't they' is any argument at all really.

This. It really does show the skewed view risk that most people seem to have . Of course a small child is in more danger at the top of an escalator without adult supervision than being helped down the escalator by a man ( even gasp holding their hand) under the eye of the child's parent . You DH isn't completely wrong in that helping the child put him at risk of being misunderstood and I don't blame him for not wanting to get involved but if he had thought of it, he could have called after the father and asked if the father wanted him to stay with his child or to help her down the escalator .

I'd let it go though, your DH is right that had he instinctively just tried to help the child onto the escalator or stayed with her, he might well have found himself being blamed for ' inappropriate behaviour 🤔

@bumblingbovine49 i suspect these posters would be singing a different tune if it was their small child left alone on the escalator.

My DH would have done the same, for the same reasoning as your dh's.

Of course he was right not to take her hand, but agree he could have waited with her.

"Easy for you to say as (presumably) a woman."

I just don't know how anyone can see a dad on his phone and decide he's a bad person who would attack you. Some people must see danger everywhere. I don't know how some people ever leave the house.

This shouldn't even be a debate. If you see a child in danger of serious harm, you help. Particularly if the risk to you is very low indeed by comparison (wouldn't expect a non-swimmer to jump into the sea for example).

If the parents are dicks, so what, you still do the right thing.

All the crap excuses are just that - crap excuses.

So far we've had -
Leave her to fall, it'd be her dads fault.
Leave her to fall, someone else will help.
Leave her to fall otherwise you're teaching her to accept help from strangers.
Leave her to fall, her dad wouldn't be grateful anyway.

How can anybody argue these positions with a straight face?

I think DH did the right thing not taking her hand. Perhaps he could have got father's attention but, unfortunately, DH is right. You have to be careful.

About 2000 children per year are seriously injured on escalators in the USA. Seriously enough to be hospitalised. Quite a few have amputations. Most of them are under 5.

That's not counting the fatalities.

If you do absolutely fuck all to help a child at imminent risk, and they then get seriously injured or worse, it's absolute bollocks to say it's "not your fault in any way shape or form". Not everything is 'somebody else's problem'. And the fact that their own neglectful parent let them get in that situation is completely irrelevant - and no comfort (you'd hope!) In the event that something awful did happen.

You only have to look on MN to see how society has decided all men are bad and dangerous.

So apply some. There was a more appropriate alternative in this situation. A woman, right behind them.
There's a huge difference between failing to intervene when you are all that stands between a child and death, which no one on here is advocating; and recognising when, for multiple reasons, you are not the most appropriate person to help.
Men should absolutely not be encouraged to see themselves as first port of call to assist unknown children. Its a very conflicting message for a child when sadly we have to spend so much time training them to distance from strange men.
In much the same way as a lay person shouldn't be giving CPR if there's a doctor behind them, sometimes standing back is the best thing.

He's right he the dad would assume he kidnapping her. More to make himself feel better for his negligence. I'm guessing there was plenty of people around to help

Even as a female sadly I wouldn't have touched the child. Can you not see what would happen next? The father turns around and wonders why a random man is holding his daughters hand - disaster for your husband.

"So apply some. There was a more appropriate alternative in this situation. A woman, right behind them."

He didn't know that when he walked past her, ignored her hand and got on the escalator.

He had absolutely no idea that anybody else would help.

The first person to help should be the first one on the scene with capability to do so.

If your children are ever in danger you may be relieved when a passer by decides not to leave help to someone else.

Only if you lack the capacity to use your voice.

'Excuse me mate, she was stood at the top by herself, I'm bringing her down to you.'

The distance between dad and daughter would demonstrate the truth of that.

And if he was embarrassed and just snatched her and went without a thank you? So what. She was safe.

Absolutely. This is the kind of parent who would blame the little girl for not keeping up and who would blame passers by for interfering.

Unfortunately it is the time we live in, don’t blame him for not grabbing her hand. My DH is a dad of 4 and happily interacts with children when he’s out and in this situation would have helped however I do always warn him that parents might be upset if he does.

I worry about it too tbh and I’m a woman, was in primark once and a little girl kept coming up to me trying to hold my hand, made me feel awkward as her mum was on the other side of the racks so I basically ran away incase the mum shouted at me for touching her child 😂

I haven't read the whole thread, so apologies for that but personally I would have been more concerned had he waited at the top with her.
It's a sad state of affairs when a man can't help a little girl step onto an escalator when the man she is with is right in front.
I take whyohehy's point about what might have happened had the OP's OH helped her down but in his shoes the man that was with her would have got short shrift from me because he should have been paying more attention to his little one. It was him that put his little girl at risk.

All these poor defenceless men.

This really isn’t normal.

Not sure why you need to be snarky.

I (a man) was shouted at by an irate mother for helping her daughter off the ground after she had taken a tumble from her scooter. I was out jogging and she fell right in front of me, I instinctly stopped running, helped the crying child off the ground, dropped to one knee and tried to offer some verbal comfort. Next thing I had the mother shouting "get away from her" before dragging her child away by the hand. Completely over the top reaction, it's not terribly nice being loudly heavily implied with inappropriate behaviour in a public place.

I can understand why he didn’t help, split second decision etc but I think he was wrong. The child was in danger and the Dad was in view and shouting distance. As someone else said very early on he could have easily called to the Dad “shall I bring her down or shall I stay with her”. To just ignore her was pretty bad.
Interesting that so many men (and some women) wouldn’t have helped at all in this scenario though. I understand why but it’s not a good thing that as a society we’re at this point.

I’m 23 and female and I wouldn’t have taken her hand but I use both hands when I get on the escalator!
When I was around 8 I saw a mum with 2 young girls get onto an escalator. She held her younger girls hand (2 ish) but didn’t hold the older girl who was probably 4? And the girl fell. I ran down the stairs next to the escalator with my mam also running behind me as we both had the exact same instinct. I hit the emergency stop button but not before her hair was trapped at the bottom. A hairdresser from a nearby salon came out and cut her hair as it was all tangled. She had to see the medic for a suspected broken arm but I think she was okay and no life threatening injuries but it was still awful.

I didn’t think much about it until I went dizzy at the top of an escalator at 20 and thought of that memory and now I’m quite nervous around them. I wouldn’t want to be in charge of someone else’s child either as I can be a bit hesitant especially on the fast ones.

I would have spoken to her and probably waited with her and taken her hand if she attempted to go down alone. If there was a lift or stairs nearby I’d have shouted down to dad and offered to take her down those.

Ironically this is the same type of posters who post incessantly on feminist boards about dreadful men.

Men cant win in certain areas of MN. If they're arseholes, they're arseholes. If they're nice people who try and be careful, they're arseholes. If they intervene, they're arseholes. If they don't intervene, they're cowards. MN is known for misandry then the same posters try and claim that the "poor defenceless" men arent actually the victims of the climate they themselves have created.

In an underground station once I grabbed a small kid who was running full pelt towards and very near the top of a massive escalator, his mum/guardian was pushing a chair along behind and shouting for him to stop.

She went ballistic at me tbh but I reckon it was just shock more than she thought I'd actually hurt him.

Not sure if I'd have taken the girls hand but I would have stopped if the child seemed concerned