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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Treating our kids unfairly?

118 replies

L251090 · 02/07/2022 01:20

So I’m 32+4 with our first child. My partner has a 4yo to previous partner. His daughter is very spoiled by all the family which I get, she was the first baby in the family after all. Since we’ve fallen pregnant though something’s been bothering me and I don’t know if it should or not so I’d really like peoples feedback on this …

hes started a savings account for his daughter … his daughter who since we fell pregnant has had an extravagant Xmas, an extravagant Easter and an extravagant birthday, all of which I have spent money on too with regards to trips out, toys and clothes etc. i asked him about this savings account being opened for her (considering we now have a baby on the way) and he agreed to open an account for our baby too. Fine.

So far he’s saved £550 for his daughter and £60 for our baby. Since agreeing to set up an account for our baby he had added £150 to his daughters account and £60 to our babies. He agreed to opening this account 2 weekends ago.

i must also point out that I’ve bought all of the nursery furniture, the travel system and loads of clothes. I’ve arranged the baby shower which is this weekend and he has so far bought 2 baby grows.

is this fair/unfair? Am I being a whinge and expecting too much? I just want to feel like our children are being treated fairly and I really don’t but I’ve mentioned it a couple of times and I feel like if I mention it again it will make me look bitter.

I’d love peoples help on trying to get my head around this.

PS my partner pays full child maintenance for his daughter and has her 2-3 nights per week so I can’t put this down to making up for that.

please help I feel horrible about the way I feel on this matter :-(

thanks xxx

OP posts:
SouperNoodle · 02/07/2022 01:30

I think it's a tough one as he's had his dd around for 4 years but for a lot of fathers, when their partners are pregnant, the baby doesn't seem real until they're born.
I think once you're DC is here, your DP should start treating them equally. If not, pull him up on it.

Original poster
L251090 · 02/07/2022 01:37

Thanks for your reply Supernoodle! Yeah I kind of thought about that too. I’m getting really frustrated about it … hence being awake at 01:35 (I’m an over thinker) so just wondered if I’m overreacting or if how I’m feeling is normal.

i feel kind of guilty feeling this way but at the same time p*ssed off about it. Maybe it’s my hormones …

thanks,

L x

OP posts:
Autienotnaughtie · 02/07/2022 02:01

Try really hard not to compare he's obviously a great dad and will no doubt love your dc too. From someone who makes herself miserable because pil favour sils child over mine honestly it doesn't get you anywhere just makes you unhappy.

Original poster
L251090 · 02/07/2022 02:23

Yes he is a great dad! Just hard not to compare isn’t it when you kind of feel like you’re doing it all yourself.

maybe he feels some sort of guilt and feels like he needs to make up for lost time I really don’t know.

hopefully it’s just me overthinking and there’s nothing more to it than that :)

L x

OP posts:
Charles11 · 02/07/2022 02:52

By the time your baby is 4, they could have more in their account than his dd has now so I wouldn't judge him on that yet.
He should be contributing more to the big purchases for the baby. What has he said about that?
How are your finances set up? Does he contribute fairly?

NumberTheory · 02/07/2022 02:57

Where is the money that’s going into savings coming from? What are your financial arrangements more generally?

You mention the inequality in whose paid for things for the baby, but is he paying more for your general living expenses? Do you have joint finances? What’s the plan for expenses while you’re on maternity leave? Who’s going to be paying for childcare when you go back to work?

I could see him wanting to put more into his DD’s account initially as the baby’s account will get 4 more years of investment, so to balance that out, his DD’s should probably get more initially and then further down the line it can even out. But is that his intent? Or is he mainly playing Disney Dad to his DD and providing for her materially is, perhaps, a sort of compensation for having another child?

Finances can tear relationships apart. It’s worth sitting down and having a candid but calm talk about how money is going to work in our lives and how you’re going to ensure both children can have their needs met and feel loved, welcome and treated fairly.

NumberTheory · 02/07/2022 02:57

*your lives, obviously. I won’t be there!

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 02/07/2022 03:24

I feel your comparing the wrong things in regards to the bank account, DSD is 4, so him treating his children fairly would be that when baby is 4 they should also have £550 in their savings account. Each of his children should end up with the same final savings amount.

He should be contributing a fair share to purchases for baby, especially the expensive things like cots, prams, car seats and so on. How would it go down if you said straight out, I've spent X on baby so far when are you putting in your share?

Do you have a joint account? I'm guessing not if you're paying for all the baby stuff yourself. What's the plan for maternity leave, have you sat down and discussed whose paying for what and how far your maternity pay will stretch? I'd be more worried about being financially vulnerable during maternity leave and later, then about a bank account baby won't access for many years.

MassiveSalad22 · 02/07/2022 03:37

Is it weighted like that to make up for not saving for the past 4 years? We did the same with our boys - eg didn’t set up savings accounts for them until the second one came along, so DS1 had more as he’s older. Just as if we had saved for him from the beginning, he would have had more in his account when brother was born. So when they’re 18 they end up with the same amount. Don’t know if I’m explaining myself very well!

Coffeenoww · 02/07/2022 03:53

It may be a clumsy attempt to let you enjoy your first baby as he has already done this before. The savings I wouldn't worry about will even out in the end. As a previous poster has said men don't really get "it" until baby arrives, good luck 😊

Imogensmumma · 02/07/2022 04:16

Feel like I could have written this! Currently 34 weeks pregnant and I’ve bought everything for the nursery and travel system. He has bought the Moses basket after explicit instruction that he is buying it as he has to contribute!! Yet 2 x DSS are about to get new brand name sneakers bought and other plastic crap etc etc

I’m hoping like others have said he will step up once she is born and is more than a bump on me….. I have told him our relationship is at risk if he doesn’t step up with the finances for our DD to be…. If he makes me feel like a single mum with all the financial and emotional responsibility then I will just be one!!!!

just see how he goes once baby is earthside and then decide if he is being fair or not…. It’s tough as a first time mum I just want him to be as excited in the buying clothes etc as me but this is his third so I get it op…. Big hugs

RaisinGhost · 02/07/2022 04:31

You are mixing together a few different issues.

  • You should both be contributing to baby equipment. Open a joint account to buy baby things from or ask him for his share.

  • Savings accounts - it's fair for his dd to have more at this stage as she getting the account four years later in to life than the baby. It will be the same amount at their respective 18th birthdays.

  • You "organised the baby shower". This doesn't come in to it, as it is an optional party for your friends, not a household chore or obligation.

Rainbowqueeen · 02/07/2022 04:32

Red flag that he is not contributing to the baby purchases.

what is your plan for mat leave?? If you are not married you need to make sure that you look after yourself first. Would he be in a position to save so much for DSD if he was contributing equally to the costs if your joint child?? I would be very wary.

When you are on mat leave your joint expenses should not be 50-50, they should be proportional to your income. Do not divide expenses so that you are paying all child costs and he is paying rent/mortgage. You need a joint account for joint expenses that you contribute to based on proportion of incomes. If the relationship ends you need to be able to show a history of paying rent or mortgage to help you pay rent or mortgage on your own.

Congrats on your upcoming baby but please for their sake sit down and have a chat about finances moving forward and protect yourself.

MumsGoneToIceland · 02/07/2022 06:39

*You are mixing together a few different issues.

You should both be contributing to baby equipment. Open a joint account to buy baby things from or ask him for his share.

Savings accounts - it's fair for his dd to have more at this stage as she getting the account four years later in to life than the baby. It will be the same amount at their respective 18th birthdays.

You "organised the baby shower". This doesn't come in to it, as it is an optional party for your friends, not a household chore or obligation.*

Exactly this!

Speak to dp about his savings plan to make sure he ensures both dcs will have had the same amount by the time they reach their respective ‘x’ birthday and recognise that means he’s planning catch up on his 4 year old dd

Speak to him about how much you’ve spent on baby things (excluding baby shower) and discuss him contributing half

Sit down and work out a financial plan moving forward that ensures a fair contribution on both sides based on your individual earnings and outgoings etc

Original poster
L251090 · 02/07/2022 09:49

So he set the account up for his 4yo recently, as in a few months ago. He only set them an account up and not one for our baby. If he had been contributing in other ways ie buying baby things we need then I would have this ‘issue’ (yes let’s call it that).

sorry forgot to specify when the accounts were set up.

with regards to bay shower what I’m getting at is that friends and family are contributing but I’m still not seeing anything from him.

should I leave it a little longer to see if things change or should I address it again? I do feel guilty about feeling this way but it’s obviously bothering me … :-/

I am also buying a house for us I have sold my apartment and using the equity for deposit and thousands of pounds savings for the fees. So although I earn about 25% more than him per year (before taxes) I’m shelling out so much money and feeling like I’m doing it on my own … x

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 02/07/2022 09:55

Honestly it makes sense for the 4 year old to have more in savings than a baby who hasn’t been born yet.
Why are you buying the house?
Why have you bought everything for the baby??

GoldenSpiral · 02/07/2022 10:06

Yes, why are you buying everything for the baby? Surely you should have just asked for half the cost of all of the baby items when you purchased them? Equally, he should have offered but there is no way I would have just let him get away with no contributions in your shoes!

The savings accounts situation seem reasonably fair. Although your baby shouldn't have one set up until they are 4 year old too if you wanted to be completely fair. I'm sure that your baby will be equally spoiled when they have birthdays etc in the future.

PurpleWisteria · 02/07/2022 10:13

He's being very unfair and will carry on until you insist on equality for both

Aprilx · 02/07/2022 10:15

L251090 · 02/07/2022 09:49

So he set the account up for his 4yo recently, as in a few months ago. He only set them an account up and not one for our baby. If he had been contributing in other ways ie buying baby things we need then I would have this ‘issue’ (yes let’s call it that).

sorry forgot to specify when the accounts were set up.

with regards to bay shower what I’m getting at is that friends and family are contributing but I’m still not seeing anything from him.

should I leave it a little longer to see if things change or should I address it again? I do feel guilty about feeling this way but it’s obviously bothering me … :-/

I am also buying a house for us I have sold my apartment and using the equity for deposit and thousands of pounds savings for the fees. So although I earn about 25% more than him per year (before taxes) I’m shelling out so much money and feeling like I’m doing it on my own … x

Your baby isn’t even here yet! Why would he set up an account for a baby that isn’t born yet, I wouldn’t have even thought he could assuming the baby’s name would be mentioned on the account. It took him four years to organise an account for the other child, if he was being “fair” then he would set one up when the new baby is four years old not prior to birth.

As for the rest to be honest, I can’t fathom it as DH and I have always shared money, we actually have separate bank accounts as we never got round to merging but we have equal access to all money and the concept of him buying something or me buying something is meaningless to us.

Maybe DH isn’t interested in the concept of a baby shower, or thinks it is something women do.

blubberyboo · 02/07/2022 10:16

I think you are way overthinking the savings account. His DD only has 14 years left til she is 18 whereas your baby has 18 years worth of savings. If he had started the plan when she was born then that’s likely what he would have saved. Hopefully by the time your baby is 4 he will have saved £500 into their account.

dont fall into the trap of thinking that just because you are pregnant that he will have to treat you or your baby with more importance than her. She was here first and if you don’t like it you shouldn’t have gotten involved with a man with a child. She will need many things throughout her life like trainers , dresses , electronics and he will want to buy things for her at times when he doesn’t buy the exact same thing at the same time for your child. You need to have an acceptance of this and not continually roll out “how come she gets this?”. Keep the jealousy well at bay and be mindful of the things he does buy for your child at other times.

your main issue right now is having a fair way to split household bills and costs

Momicrone · 02/07/2022 10:17

'His daughter is very spoiled by the rest of the family', as your second sentence is worrying - you have a long road ahead, presumably you knew he was the father of a toddler (then?), when you got together.

converseandjeans · 02/07/2022 10:18

But your baby hasn't even been born yet! I don't think he's done anything wrong.

Savings for the future is better than splashing out on a baby shower. I don't get baby showers as they seem like an opportunity to ask people for stuff. All seems a bit grabby.

Cakecakecheese · 02/07/2022 10:26

The savings accounts aren't really the issue here, the main thing is you have a baby arriving and you're feeling like you're preparing for it alone and obviously that's not on at all and you need to speak to him about that.

MissMaple82 · 02/07/2022 10:29

I wouldn't compare as the baby is not even here yet. And men are particularly known for not being connected until after they are here. And it does sound like you are a little jealous, your child will too, one day have "extravagant" birthdays and Easters, as thars what you do as a parent

RaspberryParfait · 02/07/2022 10:39

His poor little 4 year old. Sounds like she’s going to have the ‘stepmother’ from hell when her half sibling is born.

How can he possibly treat a child who hasn’t been born yet, the same as a child he’s been bonded with for 4 years! Nuts.

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