Treating our kids unfairly?

[L251090]

So I’m 32+4 with our first child. My partner has a 4yo to previous partner. His daughter is very spoiled by all the family which I get, she was the first baby in the family after all. Since we’ve fallen pregnant though something’s been bothering me and I don’t know if it should or not so I’d really like peoples feedback on this …

hes started a savings account for his daughter … his daughter who since we fell pregnant has had an extravagant Xmas, an extravagant Easter and an extravagant birthday, all of which I have spent money on too with regards to trips out, toys and clothes etc. i asked him about this savings account being opened for her (considering we now have a baby on the way) and he agreed to open an account for our baby too. Fine.

So far he’s saved £550 for his daughter and £60 for our baby. Since agreeing to set up an account for our baby he had added £150 to his daughters account and £60 to our babies. He agreed to opening this account 2 weekends ago.

i must also point out that I’ve bought all of the nursery furniture, the travel system and loads of clothes. I’ve arranged the baby shower which is this weekend and he has so far bought 2 baby grows.

is this fair/unfair? Am I being a whinge and expecting too much? I just want to feel like our children are being treated fairly and I really don’t but I’ve mentioned it a couple of times and I feel like if I mention it again it will make me look bitter.

I’d love peoples help on trying to get my head around this.

PS my partner pays full child maintenance for his daughter and has her 2-3 nights per week so I can’t put this down to making up for that.

please help I feel horrible about the way I feel on this matter :-(

thanks xxx

I agree with @tomatopsste, what are you doing OP? Come on now, it's time to put your foot down. At the very least your DP should purchase all the remaining baby items. You need to make it clear that it is an expectation, not a wish.

He sounds like he has a very, very good deal.

So he can't afford to pay more than £50 for his "rent", you don't expect him to be able to afford that?

But he should be able to afford to buy baby stuff?

I am totally confused, he's either got the money or he's not?

I completely get it OP, it’s a sense of fairness for both children. Is it possible that because you do have your shit together and are money savvy that the responsibility for your DC together will fall on you? But with his DD he is “going it alone” as in her mother won’t be providing in the same way that you will for your child?
I agree that it’s unfair that you’re being expected to buy all the expensive things a baby needs and he should absolutely be helping out with these. I think it’s become more of an issue because rhe money you expected to help buy things is going to his DDs savings account. FWIW he sounds very generous towards his DD and rightfully so (always a good idea to start a savings account) but you do deserve some of this too given that you’re about to have a baby together!

Definitely keep your home in your name only.

Fair play, so perhaps feeling the way I am is a bit unreasonable and I need to focus on the real issue rather than comparing with what he’s doing for his other child.

so hard to separate the two when I’m feeling like this i can’t help but feel like our baby is being treated unfairly. I dunno if it’s normal or not to be feeling this way :(

thanks though I appreciate your thoughts

It does seem really off that he's chosen now to set up this savings account whilst clearly not contributing enough to his life with you.

It's nice to have savings for your kids but it doesn't sound like he can actually afford to do this and he's taking the piss.

feel like im preparing for our child alone! I adore his daughter so to call me a stepmother from hell is absolutely awful. I contribute to her with clothes and days out and love and attention and gifts etc etc.

with regards to bills etc this is besides the point he moved in with me and I only take £50 a week towards bills and yes the house is in my name only because his ex screwed him over and he can’t have a mortgage now because of his credit.

Get everything legally set up so that if you split he cannot screw you for half of YOUR house. "Oh he won't do that" shouldn't come into it. Spend a few hundred ££ on legalities to ensure peace of mind. No one knows the future.

Stop spending your money on his daughter. You have your own child to think about as your OH is ignoring that this imminent child needs clothes, equipment etc. Hopefully once here he will step up.

Have you sat down and said outright I have bought xyz which has cost abc so your half is £x. Transfer it to my account?

Once the baby is born I would quietly set up a premium bond account for your child & buy a set amount every month. He is saving an amount for his eldest child and a lesser amount for your joint child. This is you saving for your child & making sure they have independent savings at 18 that your partner does not have access to.

Thank you for your response.

he is such a great dad and partner, honestly. He’s had a lot going on financially and emotionally since he split from his ex so this is partly why I haven’t pushed for more money. I’ve always been able to afford everything on my own.

but now we have a baby things need to be fair. I think im scared that our baby will be ‘second best’ and that petrified me. I do suffer with anxiety though and am a huge overthinker this is why I’ve posted to get other peoples feedback and hopefully support!

thanks again x

I wonder if he is feeling a bit guilty that this baby will live with both parents. Maybe he is trying to demonstrate that he loves his child. Only he knows. Realistically, the older child should have more savings. He should have started saving for her years ago. However, now he needs to contribute to the new baby. The baby should be treated fairly. He is paying maintenance to the mother and also saving for her (which he should) but ye should also paying for living costs and savings for the baby. If he can't afford it he shouldn't have had another.

Some good advice thanks so much. Definitely will be opening a savings / bond for sure.

i will discuss legalities with my solicitor I also have a will.

No I haven’t asked for half. I couldn’t, it’s too much. I just want him to be a bit more proactive on buying things we need as I have spoken to him about it a few time.

feel so guilty for feeling this way it’s so frustrating!

Hi, yes he pays maintenance, a little over what’s required by law and also has his daughter 2-3 nights per week. We and his mother buy the clothes etc for her, his ex doesn’t seem to spend her money on anything but herself but that’s another story.

i agree on having savings it was me who put it in to his head about setting one up but what’s happened is he’s set her an account, contributed pretty well and yet our baby has had nothing … I’m due in 5 weeks!

just seems unfair and I’m getting anxiety over it as I have soooo much to pay out myself it’s all getting a bit much!

Forgot to say congratulations & good luck!

Just protect yourself @L251090 . I wish you all the best for the future & hope everything works out for you.

I get why he hasn't put the same amount in, as your unborn child will end up with more money then his child due to the 4 years he hasn't been putting money in his daughters account. I would also absolutely not expect my partner not to chip or get anything for a baby shower it never crossed my mind when I had mine to be honest. What I don't agree with is you shouldn't be left paying for all the baby products that you need he definitely should be chipping in. Is the new home going to be in your name as you have plowed so much money into it?

I would want a more equitable split of finances if I was in your shoes… stay away from the savings as this really the least of the issues.

At the very least make sure your deposit is protected. You can get a legal agreement drawn up - I forget it’s proper name.

Get him to properly contribute to costs For the running the house. My partner has just moved in. We (for now) pay 50% of our the home pay (less child
maintenance for him) into a joint account.

For the babies stuff did you not agree on furniture / travel systems together? What was said when it came to order / pay?

if it were me I would be very direct, clear and open about my expectations.

i wud leave the savings for now as I think you have bigger issues at hand:

No I haven’t asked for half. I couldn’t, it’s too much. I just want him to be a bit more proactive on buying things we need as I have spoken to him about it a few time.

If half of the house you both live in is "too much" then how on earth is it appropriate for him to be putting money into savings?

You are not being unreasonable to think he can clearly afford to pay more towards the set up for your baby and that he ought to.

But I think you are being unreasonable to think this isn't related to bills. Your baby needs bills paying as much as they will need a cot and babygrows. You need a proper sit down conversation about how your finances are going to work. With step children in the picture and you not being married, all money being joint as is often common in family set ups, probably isn't the way to go. But that just means you need to be more explicit about how much you each are going to contribute and how you are going to ensure all the kids are taken care of well and fairly.

You're buying a family house for you all, that's a big commitment that will hopefully be a good investment for you and benefit the family as a whole. Perhaps, instead of savings accounts for his kids, he should be looking at a more general investment that will be good for him and benefit his kids when they're older too.

Thank you so much x

Yeah I get you.

i need to sit down and work out what’s what.

its all so stressful and there’s a much bigger picture here!

anxiety level 100!!

thank you for the advice x

Good point!

We agreed on everything together I want everything to be both of our decisions not just mine. So yes, everything we’ve bought has been ok’d by both!

i had saving so used that when we went to a baby toddler show for the nursery stuff and travel system. I’ve bought lots of clothing as I go as you don’t feel the pinch buying little bits rather than a big batch!

I’ve been really understanding of him having a daughter already and rightly so as I knew this from the start. So I think I’m being too lenient on the bills knowing he has other outgoings …

Yeah don’t mean for him contributing towards the baby shower itself I mean we are having a baby shower which means family and friends are contributing but he is isn’t … he should be first to buy what we need I shouldn’t have to rely on just myself and the guests … do you know what I mean?

£2000 on "essentials" for a baby is utterly insane, by the way, there was no need to spend even half that much so I can see why he doesn't want to be involved in that, it's a waste of money.

OP you keep saying how much you hve spent , but then that you won't ask him for any money, so what exactly is it you want from him?

Sounds to me like you are very together about money and your partner has lost his way a bit after the divorce.
it can be difficult to talk about money, it shouldn’t be but it often is. You and your partner need to have a proper chat about how you are both going to organise your finances going forward. He might be thinking that you’ve got it all under control and he might be ignoring his feeling that he’s taking advantage of you. But he is. Resentment is a real killer, you need to nip it in bud very early on and cultivate an open way of talking about things. Once you’ve had your talk, reschedule it for a month later to see if any wrinkles need ironing out.
Congratulations too!

You need to sort this out properly. It seems like he thinks you have enough money for this baby and this family so he feels obligated to provide the same for his DD and to a certain extent ex. I assume ex doesn't earn the same as you?

He's probably concerned that new baby will be better off than DD - 2 resident parents included, so is maybe trying to make things more equal even though in reality you could argue that he should be paying 50/50 for these two kids. Which clearly isn't possible with his finances and responsibilities. Or at least doesn't look that way from what you have said.

Are things going to change financially for him? You say ex has rinsed him - did she get a family house etc out of it? Will there be glaring inequalities between the two households due to your income? This will be a festering sore all round if you don't sort out exactly what is fair sooner rather than later.

Also watch out because even if he's not on the mortgage he will probably be entitled to a share in any increase in equity from the property you are buying if he can show he has contributed financially during the time he lives in it.

Just something for you to have a read of. The mortgage on my house is only in my husbands name as I was taking an extended break from work to have IVF.

www.familylawgroup.co.uk/site/blog/flg-news/what-rights-do-you-have-to-your-home-if-you-separate

The mortgage advisor told my husband that although we’re married and I’d obviously be entitled through that, if the household bills were in my name too that would also help stake my claim if we were to ever split.

Congrats on your baby and good luck xx