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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Treating our kids unfairly?

118 replies

L251090 · 02/07/2022 01:20

So I’m 32+4 with our first child. My partner has a 4yo to previous partner. His daughter is very spoiled by all the family which I get, she was the first baby in the family after all. Since we’ve fallen pregnant though something’s been bothering me and I don’t know if it should or not so I’d really like peoples feedback on this …

hes started a savings account for his daughter … his daughter who since we fell pregnant has had an extravagant Xmas, an extravagant Easter and an extravagant birthday, all of which I have spent money on too with regards to trips out, toys and clothes etc. i asked him about this savings account being opened for her (considering we now have a baby on the way) and he agreed to open an account for our baby too. Fine.

So far he’s saved £550 for his daughter and £60 for our baby. Since agreeing to set up an account for our baby he had added £150 to his daughters account and £60 to our babies. He agreed to opening this account 2 weekends ago.

i must also point out that I’ve bought all of the nursery furniture, the travel system and loads of clothes. I’ve arranged the baby shower which is this weekend and he has so far bought 2 baby grows.

is this fair/unfair? Am I being a whinge and expecting too much? I just want to feel like our children are being treated fairly and I really don’t but I’ve mentioned it a couple of times and I feel like if I mention it again it will make me look bitter.

I’d love peoples help on trying to get my head around this.

PS my partner pays full child maintenance for his daughter and has her 2-3 nights per week so I can’t put this down to making up for that.

please help I feel horrible about the way I feel on this matter :-(

thanks xxx

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 02/07/2022 11:22

Why is he not automatically buying half of everything for the baby? Like if you say 'we need a pram' do you just leave it at that or say 'its £500, do you want to pay half or do you want to get the travel system?' Have you asked him for his contribution for the baby equipment directly? You need to do this and see how he reacts. If its 'yes of course, sorry I havent transferred anything to you yet' then fine but if there is resistance then I think you might have a bigger issue. How is your maternity leave being funded? I hope you're not putting the house in his name at this stage while you have doubts about how much he will contribute

Rainbowqueeen · 02/07/2022 12:56

Put the house in your name only. How old was dsd when he and his ex split?? You’re right you do seem to be doing it on your own. Maybe his ex felt similarly??

ThePumpkinPatch · 02/07/2022 13:15

RaspberryParfait · 02/07/2022 10:39

His poor little 4 year old. Sounds like she’s going to have the ‘stepmother’ from hell when her half sibling is born.

How can he possibly treat a child who hasn’t been born yet, the same as a child he’s been bonded with for 4 years! Nuts.

This. Every time her Dad buys her something the OP is going to come running up and start searching through the bag to see what's been bought 😢

Just remember OP, your baby (for now at least) is going to wake up every morning with both his/her Mummy & Daddy there - that little 4yr old isn't going to ever have that again.

Sprogonthetyne · 02/07/2022 13:16

Could he be trying to make up the 4 years of not saving before baby is born, then plan to add equally to both.

Eg. If he budgeted to pay £20/month into each account, then the baby would have £4320 at 18 but the older child would only have £3360, as he would have only been saving fior them for 14 years. So for them to have even amounts at 18 he would need to give his DD's saving a head start now, before he has the expense of another child.

Might not the case, but if there were a plan like that it would be equal, even though not the same.

tomatopsste · 02/07/2022 13:21

I'm assuming you won't want your DD to be very spoiled, like you describe DSD, so maybe it's a good thing he's not treating them equally?

Original poster
L251090 · 02/07/2022 16:18

Rainbowqueeen · 02/07/2022 12:56

Put the house in your name only. How old was dsd when he and his ex split?? You’re right you do seem to be doing it on your own. Maybe his ex felt similarly??

Yes the house is going in my name but the house isn’t my issue here just someone asked about contributions in the relationship.

i appreciate your thoughts. She was 2 when they split.

he paid for most things in his last relationship she absolutely rinsed him and left him up sh**s creek without a paddle and we’ve sorted that now . Thankfully!

OP posts:
Original poster
L251090 · 02/07/2022 16:19

tomatopsste · 02/07/2022 13:21

I'm assuming you won't want your DD to be very spoiled, like you describe DSD, so maybe it's a good thing he's not treating them equally?

Ok. Do you not think he should be contributing towards our pregnancy and our baby though? I’m doing it all myself it doesn’t seem right …

OP posts:
Original poster
L251090 · 02/07/2022 16:20

Sprogonthetyne · 02/07/2022 13:16

Could he be trying to make up the 4 years of not saving before baby is born, then plan to add equally to both.

Eg. If he budgeted to pay £20/month into each account, then the baby would have £4320 at 18 but the older child would only have £3360, as he would have only been saving fior them for 14 years. So for them to have even amounts at 18 he would need to give his DD's saving a head start now, before he has the expense of another child.

Might not the case, but if there were a plan like that it would be equal, even though not the same.

Totally get you with this. But it’s the fact he isn’t contributing to the things we need for our baby but has managed to save £550 in a few months for his other child whilst I’ve paid for everything myself for ours. Feels unfair. This is what I’m feeling but also feeling guilty that I’m feeling this way … :(

OP posts:
Original poster
L251090 · 02/07/2022 16:23

ThePumpkinPatch · 02/07/2022 13:15

This. Every time her Dad buys her something the OP is going to come running up and start searching through the bag to see what's been bought 😢

Just remember OP, your baby (for now at least) is going to wake up every morning with both his/her Mummy & Daddy there - that little 4yr old isn't going to ever have that again.

Show quote history

To both comments:

This thread isn’t about spoiling a 4 yo it’s about equal contribution.

Since I’ve fallen pregnant my OH has purchased 2 baby grows for our baby. I have spent over £2000 on essentials such as full nursery set and travel system, clothes, nappies etc. he has then set up a savings account for his other child and saved £550 for her and £60 for ours. How is that fair? He bought things for his first daughter with his ex when she was pregnant … why is it different for ours?

i feel like im preparing for our child alone! I adore his daughter so to call me a stepmother from hell is absolutely awful. I contribute to her with clothes and days out and love and attention and gifts etc etc.

with regards to bills etc this is besides the point he moved in with me and I only take £50 a week towards bills and yes the house is in my name only because his ex screwed him over and he can’t have a mortgage now because of his credit.

im only asking if, the way im feeling is normal or if IBU im not asking to be attacked. Just trying to understand why I might be feeling this way.

OP posts:
tomatopsste · 02/07/2022 16:25

Ok. Do you not think he should be contributing towards our pregnancy and our baby though? I’m doing it all myself it doesn’t seem right …

Yep, he should! Makes him a selfish arse! But not the 4 year olds fault, either for being the 1st grandchild or for how people treat her.

So stop being unkind about the child and address the issue, which is your DP not paying for his second child.

Lazypuppy · 02/07/2022 16:26

OP when you bought stuff for the baby what did he say when you asked for half the money? I think you're expecting him to be a bit of a mindreader

Original poster
L251090 · 02/07/2022 16:27

MassiveSalad22 · 02/07/2022 03:37

Is it weighted like that to make up for not saving for the past 4 years? We did the same with our boys - eg didn’t set up savings accounts for them until the second one came along, so DS1 had more as he’s older. Just as if we had saved for him from the beginning, he would have had more in his account when brother was born. So when they’re 18 they end up with the same amount. Don’t know if I’m explaining myself very well!

Explaining perfectly l thank you. So i totally get you and I agree with you about when to start savings account HOWEVER … I’m not getting any help so far towards any baby stuff … he bought stuff for his first child with his ex partner (presumably) so why is he not doing the same for ours? Do you get what I mean?

if he had set up a savings account for his other child and not for ours but was buying things to help such as pram or high chair or things like that then I’d be completely fine with it. But I’m not getting help yet he’s now decided to save for his other child .

it’s hard to get my head around x

OP posts:
tomatopsste · 02/07/2022 16:29

*Since I’ve fallen pregnant my OH has purchased 2 baby grows for our baby. I have spent over £2000 on essentials such as full nursery set and travel system, clothes, nappies etc. he has then set up a savings account for his other child and saved £550 for her and £60 for ours. How is that fair? He bought things for his first daughter with his ex when she was pregnant … why is it different for ours?

i feel like im preparing for our child alone! I adore his daughter so to call me a stepmother from hell is absolutely awful. I contribute to her with clothes and days out and love and attention and gifts etc etc.

with regards to bills etc this is besides the point he moved in with me and I only take £50 a week towards bills and yes the house is in my name only because his ex screwed him over and he can’t have a mortgage now because of his credit.*

Well you're a fool! £50 a week and that's all he contributes! He's a "cocklodger" why haven't you asked for more? What did he say when you asked for a contribution towards the baby stuff?

Original poster
L251090 · 02/07/2022 16:30

How am I being mean about his daughter? I’m absolutely not at all. I’m being open and honest about my feelings in a forum of strangers and asking if IBU, I’m being vulnerable in asking for advice. I adore his daughter I’m just trying to explain the bigger picture. Your comments haven’t helped at all you sound like you’re just here to be mean to strangers.

keyboard warrior perhaps. No response required from you on this unless it’s actually to help me understand what I’m feeling.

thank you <3

OP posts:
Original poster
L251090 · 02/07/2022 16:34

I’m not a fool … I’ve just always lived by myself in my own apartment and up until recently when bills etc increased I asked him to contribute £50pw. I can afford the apartment on my own. He had been dealing with other things with regards to his old house as his ex really screwed him over so I did not want to add to that financial burden. He also buys food, as do I obviously.

anyways the point here is about how I’m feeling just trying to understand if I’m being unreasonable about this as I feel guilty about feeling annoyed.

it’s complicated I guess!

OP posts:
TheGraceFace · 02/07/2022 16:34

Whose idea was it to open up an account for his daughter? I’m thinking it could be the ex to make sure her kid don’t get left out when your baby’s born.

You shouldn’t have to pay for everything just because his ex screwed him over. If you only take £50 from him he probably thinks it’s OK not to contribute to anything else, including the child that you will have together.

Bananarama21 · 02/07/2022 16:38

You sound very young and I'd be worried how you view the little girl,2 years in a short time to then be pregnant with a new partner and the fact he doesn't contribute to the household properly or baby things is a massive red flag.

Original poster
L251090 · 02/07/2022 16:39

Lazypuppy · 02/07/2022 16:26

OP when you bought stuff for the baby what did he say when you asked for half the money? I think you're expecting him to be a bit of a mindreader

I’ve had a couple of conversations about it. One of which was just in the car a couple of weekends ago which was when I said I can’t do this on my own and at the moment i feel like I am. I pointed out that he had recently set up the savings account for his other child but hadn’t contributed to ours yet. That’s when he set up the savings account for our baby. But since then he’s put £150 in her savings, £30 in our baby’s savings and still bought nothing.

still need bottles, baby monitor, nursing pillow etc he has access to my wish list that I created to keep tabs on what we need too so I don’t think there’s an excuse.

i dunno, I just can’t do it all.

OP posts:
Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 02/07/2022 16:42

Savings account and baby shower - YABU

Contribution to baby stuff - YANBU

Did you discuss how things would be paid before buying? Did you ask him for his share? Probably wise to figure out finances before baby gets here as this issue is likely to persist and it's not the fault of a 4 year old but she is likely to be the one who is resented for it (basing this on comments about being spoiled and about having more in a savings acc).

Original poster
L251090 · 02/07/2022 16:45

I sound very young? I’m 32. How do you think I view his little girl? I adore her.

my point is the contributions from my OH not his little girl.

Just trying to explain the bigger picture.

I have a good job, I pay all bills/mortgage, I pay for 2 cars, I have sold my apartment and using the equity to buy us a family home in my name because his ex screwed him over and he can’t be joint mortgage owners because of her. I am saving £1000 a month to be able to pay for the fees so we can buy a family house and sell my current home. I treat his little girl with love and respect and spoil her on her birthday/Xmas etc and take her for days out to experience fun family days.

so please, don’t tell me I sound ‘very young’. I’ve very much got my sh**t together so that’s extremely patronising.

OP posts:
tomatopsste · 02/07/2022 16:49

L251090 · 02/07/2022 16:45

I sound very young? I’m 32. How do you think I view his little girl? I adore her.

my point is the contributions from my OH not his little girl.

Just trying to explain the bigger picture.

I have a good job, I pay all bills/mortgage, I pay for 2 cars, I have sold my apartment and using the equity to buy us a family home in my name because his ex screwed him over and he can’t be joint mortgage owners because of her. I am saving £1000 a month to be able to pay for the fees so we can buy a family house and sell my current home. I treat his little girl with love and respect and spoil her on her birthday/Xmas etc and take her for days out to experience fun family days.

so please, don’t tell me I sound ‘very young’. I’ve very much got my sh**t together so that’s extremely patronising.

I'm sorry OP and this won't be welcome, but you've not got your shit together!

He's contributing £2,600 per year for all that? That's just not acceptable!

It's you financing everything, it's financial abuse.

Think about what he's providing, or ever going to provide?

Original poster
L251090 · 02/07/2022 16:52

Coffeenoww · 02/07/2022 03:53

It may be a clumsy attempt to let you enjoy your first baby as he has already done this before. The savings I wouldn't worry about will even out in the end. As a previous poster has said men don't really get "it" until baby arrives, good luck 😊

Thank you. Nice to have a response where I don’t feel attacked.

appreciate your comment x

OP posts:
LosingMyPancakes · 02/07/2022 16:55

I think you're confusing the issue by bringing his daughter into it. It's not relevant.

All you need to say to him is - I've paid X amount for these baby essentials. Can you transfer me half of the money for it now?

Eightiesfan · 02/07/2022 16:55

If you are paying for everything, including the deposit on the house, you must make sure that your name is the only one on the mortgage. You are not married so first and foremost you need to protect your assets.

At the moment your joint financial contributions are very unbalanced, and he is seems happy for you to pay for everything which is allowing him to be overly extravagant with his child.

I’m not saying he shouldn’t treat his child, but this should not be at the expense of your child. You need an open and frank discussion about your joint finances.

Original poster
L251090 · 02/07/2022 16:55

The £50 per week is a temporary thing. This is t about our bills. This is about the contribution with the baby.

i know fine well what I’ve got going on, I know his personal circumstances and if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be asking for £50pw … I’m doing that because o don’t want to make things difficult whilst he’s still dealing with an ex who dunces him for whatever she can.

it’s hard! But maybe I’m too independent and being a push over. I’m struggling with the balance and what I should expect from him. I’ve never been in this situation before … not here to be judged on age here for genuine help on how I’m feeling.

OP posts: