Treating our kids unfairly?

[L251090]

So I’m 32+4 with our first child. My partner has a 4yo to previous partner. His daughter is very spoiled by all the family which I get, she was the first baby in the family after all. Since we’ve fallen pregnant though something’s been bothering me and I don’t know if it should or not so I’d really like peoples feedback on this …

hes started a savings account for his daughter … his daughter who since we fell pregnant has had an extravagant Xmas, an extravagant Easter and an extravagant birthday, all of which I have spent money on too with regards to trips out, toys and clothes etc. i asked him about this savings account being opened for her (considering we now have a baby on the way) and he agreed to open an account for our baby too. Fine.

So far he’s saved £550 for his daughter and £60 for our baby. Since agreeing to set up an account for our baby he had added £150 to his daughters account and £60 to our babies. He agreed to opening this account 2 weekends ago.

i must also point out that I’ve bought all of the nursery furniture, the travel system and loads of clothes. I’ve arranged the baby shower which is this weekend and he has so far bought 2 baby grows.

is this fair/unfair? Am I being a whinge and expecting too much? I just want to feel like our children are being treated fairly and I really don’t but I’ve mentioned it a couple of times and I feel like if I mention it again it will make me look bitter.

I’d love peoples help on trying to get my head around this.

PS my partner pays full child maintenance for his daughter and has her 2-3 nights per week so I can’t put this down to making up for that.

please help I feel horrible about the way I feel on this matter :-(

thanks xxx

OP the way you started this thread was very telling in that the third sentence was an attack on the child and her being spoilt.
you are focussing on her and what she gets when your problem is not with her but a man child who you never sorted finances out with before you got pregnant. you should never have gotten pregnant with a man who is just 2 years out of a failed relationship with a child , before working all this shit out.

stop focussing on his child. She can be spoiled as much as he and his family likes. You should never have mentioned her or the “fairness” between her and your baby because this is going to be something you need to get used to for the rest of your life now.

You keep saying “we are pregnant” but it is YOU that is pregnant and bonding with this child. he is not pregnant and has not bonded with it yet and obviously is very dense about what it needs. Again that is absolutely nothing to do with what he buys for his existing daughter and you really need to spend the next 4 weeks getting this jealousy towards her out of your head. She is irrelevant in this discussIon.

you need to directly say to him that now you are going on maternity there needs to be a mature discussion about what you equally pay into the house and spend for baby essentials. Do a budget and set it in front of him. This should have been done before you got pregnant but definitely needs done before it is born.

*He can though … he can afford it. No one has said ‘he can’t afford it’ … and I only asked him to open the account because he hasn’t contributed anything else … 2 baby brows … that’s it.

im not asking him to spend the same as me just to help out!*

i find your position baffling to be honest. You complain he hasn’t paid anything towards bang stuff so he clearly can’t afford any savings if he paid for the baby stuff he should have paid for. I don’t think you read my post right to be honest and I think you are too blinkered on savings to have a proper discussion with him as you don’t seem to understand the real issue yourself.

Once he sees your baby he will feel exactly the same about both of them, he hasn't got a bond or held the baby or anything yet. Once he does he will be great. X

Your title is 'treating our kids unfairly'. At the moment there is only one child. His. You don't yet have kids. You are growing one but it isn't yet born and it isn't yet a person.

Yes, he should be playing his part financially in preparing for its arrival. But it is not yet extant, and it's just plain weird that you think he should be opening a savings account for an unborn child. In fact he can't open one for it.

You have your head screwed on @L251090. Get some legal protection in place for your investment, that’s yours and your baby’s future.

I hope he steps up. He sounds totally pathetic at the moment.

He needs to step up. I know it’s difficult when you are used to being independent (that’s me as well!). But he needs to put his hand in his pocket. Very shortly he will have 2 children 🤷‍♀️

Absolutely ridiculous that you're paying for the babies things and the house. I'd give him one chance to rectify this or I'd be done.

@L251090
You think that 2k was a bargain. It wasn't.
You could have bought more cheaply. You didn't need it all either! It was your choice.
Buying 0-9 months clothes, you'll find was a false savings. You'll still buy mire or realise that certain styles don't work or the fitting isn't great.
You are excited and splurged. That's not an issue. But you needed to discuss, communicate, if you want him to contribute a comparable amount! Really why would he buy anything when you've bought all of that?
How long have you lived together? Been in a relationship for?

Does he feel more responsible for his daughter as her mother is less capable than you of earning financially? And in the same way, he knows you will ensure your child is well looked after, so he doesn't have to worry so much there? In his own way, is he trying to even things out between both children...??!

I think you should speak to him about sharing the costs of baby related things more fairly.

But with the savings account I do think you are being unreasonable. His daughter is 4 and has £580 in her account. Your child is not even born and has £60 - £10 a month will mean by the time your child is 4 they will have the same amount.

If this is the case it's not something that would ever fly if it was the other way around.

OP,

You sound like a nice woman but very very naive.

He's living off you and you are allowing it.

He pays £50 recently for a home and associated costs, which is a drop in the ocean, as he saves for HIS REAL child.

I presume you pushed for this child as he clearly can't and won't contribute towards it.

How convenient for him that you are providing a home and contribute towards his childs costs.

Him and his ex have really landed on their feet with you.

You need to start listening to your gut which is screaming at you that you are being made a complete mug of, and that you are completely being used.

He's full of the "poor me my ex rinsed me" which is so convenient for him.

Him saving for his daughter is him just saving for himself as he controls the account.

You are being utterly used and played here, THAT is why your anxiety is so high.

He hasn't a notion of paying for this baby, that is YOUR job.

He entends to live off you for as long as possible and "rinse" you.

He knows EXACTLY what he is doing.

He absolutely thinks he is on to a good thing with you paying for everything, providing him with a home.

He has landed on his feet, he must be delighted.

I suggest you wake up to the reality of this situation.

I wonder how nice he would be if you actually insisted he contribute to the home?

At the moment he is deliberately ignoring you.

How convenient for him.

Wake up OP, you have a user on your hands and it isn't going to get any better.

@L251090

can I ask how he managed to set up an account for your baby since it isn’t born yet so you won’t have been able to provide identification or a birth certificate for the baby to the bank which is standard anti money laundering procedure?? Surely he isn’t just saving both childrens funds into a savings account in his OWN name?

also you say his ex fleeced him but have you any evidence of this or is it just something he told you? You must’ve gotten pregnant within about 16 months of him breaking up with her so he obviously wasn’t worried about history repeating? Or did he take her for a mug too and then spun you a woe is me story?

I think the reason you feel horrible is that you know deep down that your anger is misplaced towards the little girl when really you are just angry at being saddled with this sponger of a man.

I haven’t read the full thread but it sounds like you are well off financially and have a good job and your child will have nice things and hopefully the ‘benefit’ of living with both parents. I expect Your DP’s ex possibly isn’t as well off as you and your DP is trying to even things out a bit.

you should brace yourself as he will prob also spend more time with his 4yo than his newborn. It’s not about favourites but babies and toddlers can seem very boring / needy. But it’s hard to get this when you’re a new mum to a much cherished new born.

Eager to see where this is going to go in a years time 😅 you already sound like a stepmum from the books...

@L251090 Personally, I think situations like this is what causes people to become jealous and envy. At the end of the day, regardless if the child was here first or not. He should be putting the same out in each month. If he put in £2k tomorrow and died next week. His DD would have that your new-born would not. It would be left to you sort out.

When they reach 18 you settle the amount, so it is completely fair.

I think it's disgusting how parents do not treat children fairly. I was the eldest child and have been given so much more than my younger siblings (I actually feel sorry for them) because I know deep down how much more I have been given.

He sounds just like my partner. Spoils his son all day. No help me and our daughter it's a pathetic excuse when people say "men only really notice once the baby is here".

My partner put me through so much stress with his son I ended up in hospital for 2 days. Probably using the same excuse "men only really notice once the baby is here". FFS - she is carrying your child!

So from when your baby is born, just put equal amounts into their accounts monthly.

At the moment his Dd is due 4 yrs catch up.

He needs to properly contribute to half of outgoings. This is the priority. He needs to then be fair in his contributions between both children. The costs of beds etc to be included in the 'outgoings'. Good the house is in your name. There's no reason why this should be controversial otherwise you and baby are subbing your SD which is why you feel resentful.