Treating our kids unfairly?

[L251090]

So I’m 32+4 with our first child. My partner has a 4yo to previous partner. His daughter is very spoiled by all the family which I get, she was the first baby in the family after all. Since we’ve fallen pregnant though something’s been bothering me and I don’t know if it should or not so I’d really like peoples feedback on this …

hes started a savings account for his daughter … his daughter who since we fell pregnant has had an extravagant Xmas, an extravagant Easter and an extravagant birthday, all of which I have spent money on too with regards to trips out, toys and clothes etc. i asked him about this savings account being opened for her (considering we now have a baby on the way) and he agreed to open an account for our baby too. Fine.

So far he’s saved £550 for his daughter and £60 for our baby. Since agreeing to set up an account for our baby he had added £150 to his daughters account and £60 to our babies. He agreed to opening this account 2 weekends ago.

i must also point out that I’ve bought all of the nursery furniture, the travel system and loads of clothes. I’ve arranged the baby shower which is this weekend and he has so far bought 2 baby grows.

is this fair/unfair? Am I being a whinge and expecting too much? I just want to feel like our children are being treated fairly and I really don’t but I’ve mentioned it a couple of times and I feel like if I mention it again it will make me look bitter.

I’d love peoples help on trying to get my head around this.

PS my partner pays full child maintenance for his daughter and has her 2-3 nights per week so I can’t put this down to making up for that.

please help I feel horrible about the way I feel on this matter :-(

thanks xxx

He's had a lot going on that renders him unable to contribute but yet wildly spoils his daughter and sets up savings, sounds like you're being taken for a mug.
I hope the new house will only be in your name

As you’ve said yourself your baby isn’t even born yet and his DD is 4yo. I don’t think he needs to ensure they have an equal amount in right now, he’ll be paying into your DC’s account for longer and by the time your DC is 4yo it sounds like there’ll be more than £550 in it considering there’s already money there are the child hasn’t even been born yet!

That said, he should be contributing more to the essential costs of the things you need for the baby. The fact he is only contributing £50 a week to the household makes him sound like a cocklodger. It sounds like you are being a pushover and a martyr when it comes to money and just buying everything yourself and accepting whatever excuses he’s giving to why he can’t pay. Putting money into either child’s savings account should be an extra once everything else has been paid, not a priority over paying into the day to day household expenses or the essentials you need to purchase ahead of the baby’s arrival. If he can put £600 a month into savings accounts for his DC he could be paying more than £200 a month into the household; why are you having to manage all of the expenses?

To be honest it sounds like you are very independent and having to do most of this alone anyway, I’d be wondering if you are really gaining anything from staying with this man? Sounds like you would be better off without him.

These threads make me despair as they always include:
• dad who is a “fantastic dad” despite being unable to provide for his first child and then going on to have another one
• selfish ex-wife who screwed over fantastic dad and now spends all his money on herself

• male partner who is not contributing to household finances
• new female partner who is resentful of the only innocent party in this, the 4 year old, despite knowing she was on the planet when getting into a relationship
• ridiculous amount of spending on new baby

YANBU to expect him to contribute but sadly it sounds like you picked a man to father your child who can’t do that without penalising his first child. You can either accept that and make up the shortfall whilst remembering that it’s not the 4 year old’s fault all of the adults have made bad choices, or you can leave him and provide for your baby yourself. What you can’t do is insist that he stops giving his other child money and gives it to yours instead.

Appreciate this advice will go down like a lead balloon but “there there” isn’t much help right now.

YANBU to expect him to contribute but sadly it sounds like you picked a man to father your child who can’t do that without penalising his first child. You can either accept that and make up the shortfall whilst remembering that it’s not the 4 year old’s fault all of the adults have made bad choices, or you can leave him and provide for your baby yourself. What you can’t do is insist that he stops giving his other child money and gives it to yours instead.

Actually yes, she can, because he should be splitting what money he has equally between the two children he has chosen to have.

@aSofaNearYou What “equally” looks like is up for debate though. Arguably the baby is benefitting more from having a savings account pre-birth whereas the 4 year old has 4 fewer years for contributions to be saved. I’m sceptical about the absence of contribution to the things OP has bought because she’s spent a massive amount that didn’t need to be spent. I get wanting everything new and nice but when dad can’t afford to contribute to two children then you can’t afford to do that.

Yabvu the baby is not even here it does not need a savings account. You are being ridiculous.

All you need to say to him is - I've paid X amount for these baby essentials. Can you transfer me half of the money for it now?

That. He's paying next to nothing towards your life together at the moment. There are clearly reasons why you were okay with that initially, but the danger is that the longer this goes on, the more he'll take it for granted. And it seems that he already is. He seems to think it's perfectly normal and acceptable for you to buy everything for the baby that is just as much his responsibility as yours.

Asking him to pay half of the bill for his baby's equipment sends a clear message that though you have been considerate of his situation when it comes to housing and utilities costs, that does not absolve him of his financial and family responsibilities.
If you don't, I can imagine you posting in a years time with a problem that's arisen because you've ended up with a cocklodger.

As for the savings account, your child isn't born yet. I wouldn't dream of setting up an account for a child until it was safely here. So I think you're being unreasonable to focus on that.

That's not what I was addressing at all. I was addressing you saying that when you have a child with someone who already has one you have to accept they can't afford to contribute to yours and make up the shortfall. That is not true at all, morally he needs to split whatever he has equally, even if that means less for his first. He can't choose to only provide for the first because she was first.

I think you’ve (accidentally) set up a situation where you both know that you will cover the housing, the bills, and things the baby needs. He feels it’s fine to give you £50 (genuinely knows teens in work who contribute more) and plunge any spare money into savings.

Clearly this situation is now no longer fine and as you get closer to giving birth you’re probably feeling more vulnerable, and more like you want him to be an equal parent to the child you’re making together. This is TOTALLY VALID.

Yes he has an older child but he chose to have this child too. If he had an even older kid before his daughter would you think it was ok for him not to contribute to her? Obviously not. But somehow you’re not extending the same thought process to your own child.

You sound incredibly self sufficient but continuing to act like this upcoming baby is a virgin birth and he’s just a guy who happens to live there really isn’t right for anyone.

You both need to be completely open about earnings, fixed outgoings, and how you will divide the cost of the things your child needs. No wonder he’s agreeing to expenses if he knows he’s not about to be asked to pay them.

I can’t tell through your posts whether your partner really is a wonderful guy going through a temporarily hard financial time, or if he’s sold you a sob story in order to keep his money to himself. But giving him the benefit of the doubt, you need to stop cutting him slack like he’s a big kid and see him as an adult, a father of two kids towards whom he’ll be equally responsible, and a partner with whom you split expenses and preparation.

Just to add, YOU NEED TO BRING THIS UP WITH HIM. I’m not sure why you’re scared to speak with him about it directly. Is it because you think he has too many worries already?

You've subsidised his adult livings costs regardless of the ex.
Why would he contribute if his outgoings are solely £200 a month?
Equally, you've chosen to spend 2k to date, that was your choice. No doubt driven by wanting the best for your child etc. But you could have done this prep much cheaper! You've shopped to your means abs by the sounds of it he's shopped to his perceived means.
Re the accounts, I think that yabu. The baby isn't even here. So shouldn't be being specifically saved for in a titfortat manner solely driven by the sibling now having an account.
I imagine that he's trying to give the elder sibling the benefit of the four years saving your child will now have, so that they on equal footing.
Maybe because he realises that he won't be able to offer her as much once second is here.
Regardless, your issue with the accounts are misplaced.
If you want him to gush over buying baby things, then really you shouldn't have opted for someone who's done it all already. That's an unrealistic expectation for many men with second plus children. If you want him to contribute, then speak with him! Poor communication now, is a terrible forecast for the relationship.

Well said.

How long were you with him for before you fell pregnant? Was the baby planned? I would not be happy about him not contributing to the baby necessities at all. And only after he’s contributed his fair share towards what your baby needs should any money be going into anyones bank account.

You don't come across as someone who adores her though, you come across as someone who resents her and possibly dislikes the attention and fuss she gets. In regards to contributing towards costs though, he absolutely should contribute but your amounts are different

I agree. I worded my comment in a particular way, because the OP is suggesting that money be taken out of child 1’s savings and put towards the ridiculous amount she’s chosen to spend on baby stuff, or a savings account that doesn’t need to exist yet, knowing her partner can’t afford to contribute much to the household.

I agree that in general she can expect him to reduce money to provide for the second, but she also needs to cut her cloth accordingly and not splurge on the baby because she deserves the “everything new and expensive first baby” experience. In this scenario, giving her half of what’s spent on the baby would mean him giving her nearly twice what’s in the first child’s savings account. That’s not on.

Other posters have alluded to it but @TheVillageElder has said it.

Poor communication now, is a terrible forecast for the relationship.

Sort out your communication.

He is not a mind reader.

I say that as a step-mother.

Also you need to get into your head equality with children isn't spending the same amount on them. It is putting "resources" into them as they need it.

Also you need to get into your head equality with children isn't spending the same amount on them. It is putting "resources" into them as they need it.

What does this mean, practically? People can quibble over the amount OP has spent on baby items but the reality is the impending baby needs things bought for them (beyond a couple of baby grows) and a roof over their head more than the other child needs abstract savings.

I think you’re conflating the issues here: opening a savings account for an unborn baby is nuts but he shouldn’t be saving for his DD when he can’t contribute to his ongoing costs which include paying for the new baby. He should be paying half of the baby costs (and as others have mentioned living costs, but you already said the arrangement is temporary but he shouldn’t be saving money for his DC whilst not being a able to afford to living costs). Only if he has money left over should he put it into savings for his DC and it sounds like he wouldn’t have any. Plenty of people can’t save for their DC, he can’t do it at the expense of not paying for his current expenses. You need to have a chat with him, ignore the savings account for the baby, it’s a red herring.

When you’re buying stuff for the baby, are you buying to your budget or to his? Do you have a shared household budget and an agreed sense of what things cost and what things are worth saving on, vs splurging? £2,000 is an extravagant amount of money to spend on baby things – when you agreed on items, was there a budget? Was he aware of the costs? Do you discuss finances at all?

Sorry for all the questions, just trying to wrap my head around it.

with £2000 I’ve purchased a 4 piece furniture set, a full travel system, a bedside crib, clothes, nappies, other bits and bobs, pregnancy pillow and a few bits of maternity clothes to see me through (not much though as I can’t justify it!). In my opinion that’s not excessive.

that money was my money and I chose NOT to spend silly money on a ‘silver cross’ pram which would have been £1300 alone but instead got the full travel system and nursery furniture for similar price to a single pram. Not sure what world you’re living in but that’s not expensive for everything I’ve bought it’s a really good deal 😂

also you don’t know how much I earn so it’s not really an educated comment.

He can though … he can afford it. No one has said ‘he can’t afford it’ … and I only asked him to open the account because he hasn’t contributed anything else … 2 baby brows … that’s it.

im not asking him to spend the same as me just to help out!

£2000 is a lot of money yea but not when I’ve bought:

buggy
carry cot
car seat
cot
wardrobe
drawers
dresser/changer
bedside crib
bedding
0-9 month clothes
nappies and other essentials

we visited a baby show to get deals on items.

im not asking him for half of what I’ve spent.

my point is that since we got pregnant, he has purchased 2 baby grows yet has then set up a savings account for his daughter and put £550 in it. I just don’t understand … do you get where I’m coming from?

You really need to sort your finances, and have some sort of agreement about joint finances, so that there is family money.

Then you won’t be doing this sort of mental tally and accounting which makes you sound a bit bitter about your DSD.

And you would contribute to your child’s savings account as well.

But it makes sense why the savings account contributions are more for the elder daughter right now - he's catching up on the years he hasn't contributed to a savings account for her - when baby is born the contributions should be equal 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think you sound resentful focusing on the 4 year’s savings. The way you manage finances between you is a much bigger problem than a small amount of savings for his child. God only knows why you had a child with somebody without working out how to live together and manage these things first.