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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Devastated! Should I tell my children?

112 replies

Nel70 · 29/06/2022 22:33

My ex partner moved back to his home country after we broke up. He would visit our two children often, every other month or so at weeks at a time. However, he has been acting differently theses past months and has not visited for 7 months, his phone contact has also decreased. The children are missing him, they think the world of their dad.

He called me and told me he has met someone and she fell pregnant within months of meeting her and he is making a go of it with her in his home country. My children will be devastated, I don't know how am I going to tell them that their father is having another baby. My daughter especially who is 6 is going to be heartbroken. I don't think she will be able to process it and I'm worried that with her dad not being around as much as he was that she will be thinking he is with his new baby who is also a girl. She adores her dad and keeps asking for him. Ex has told me nothing is going to change and tell the children he loves them and nothing is going to change.

He lives in Washington DC and we live in England. When he visits he will be visiting alone. We do not visit over there and have no plans to. Should I tell the children about his new baby or wait til they are older? I don't want to cause them any pain/sadness when they may not ever meet this other child.

OP posts:

RosesAndHellebores · 29/06/2022 22:35

Of course you should tell them. If they find out you knew and didn't they will never be able to trust you again.

OwlinaTree · 29/06/2022 22:36

Can't you let him tell them?

Blondiezombie · 29/06/2022 22:37

i would leave it up to him to tell them

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/06/2022 22:38

i think you may be projecting.

tell them they’re having a baby brother/sister. They’ll be excited.

Longdistance · 29/06/2022 22:40

He needs to tell them. No one likes a deadbeat dad. He’s ceasing contact with his own dc and having a baby with another woman. Let him do the dirty work.

Hadalifeonce · 29/06/2022 22:42

If he is due to visit soon, I would leave it up to him to tell them. If he isn't, I feel you should be the one to break it to them, and be there to support them. I do feel for you, it is a horrible situation to be in, but you need to ensure your situation with your children is sound, they must be your priority.

Original poster

Nel70 · 29/06/2022 22:42

tell them they’re having a baby brother/sister. They’ll be excited

They are not likely to see this new baby therfore it will make it a lot harder. My daughter is at a baby obsessed stage at the moment as well :( begging me to have a baby.

OP posts:

Ardmano · 29/06/2022 22:44

Your children will only see it that way if that is how you phrase it and how you act about it.

Confirm with him what contact he can commit to and tell them that. Separately tell them they are getting a new half sibling or perhaps he could tell them himself. Maybe they will be excited.

It's understandable for you to feel devastated but I'm not sure that's the automatic response your children will have unless they get it from you...

Notajogger · 29/06/2022 22:46

He should tell them, and they may well be excited at the thought- it doesn't need to be pointed out to them that they won't see the baby much.

Can't you/their dad take them over there to stay for some longer visits e.g. school holidays, then they would spend time with him and the baby?

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 29/06/2022 22:47

I agree I’d possible dad should tell them at a prepared time so you can be about after the call to talk to them. I’d try to frame it as something nice/exciting, however if their father is having less contacting inevitably the baby and the reduced contacted will become linked and could feel like rejection. Can you speak to their dad about being more consistent with contact especially with the new baby on the way, or is he no one who you can have a reasonable conversation with.

MolliciousIntent · 29/06/2022 22:47

Why won't they meet the baby? Why don't they go and stay with their father?

AllyCatTown · 29/06/2022 22:52

It’s difficult. I feel for you. I’d definitely leave it up to him to tell them.

BTcherokii · 29/06/2022 22:53

Please don't not tell them. Fine to figure out how best to tell them or if he should do it,but don't wait years then inform them a half sibling exists. Shielding them from reality is extremely emotionally damaging and they could, quite rightly, feel more betrayed by you for not telling them about a half sister in future years.

Protecting them doesn't mean hiding blood family members (yes, half siblings are those!) and risking your own relationship with your children to cover up his Family 2.0.

Eggnoggoanngoanngoann · 29/06/2022 22:57

Firstly im sorry contact has dropped recently and kids are missing dad. U prob feel he has abandond them for new partner etc. U should prob talk to him and explain that kids need him to check in more often. Even more so in light of forthcoming events. However a new baby dosent have to cause pain or saddness. U both need to make this a positive event ...after all it IS their half sibling. He should really be the one to tell them but u could help by monitoring reactions and making it as positive as poss. Eg..wow u r going to be a big sis thats amazing etc etc. He might be always visiting alone just now but whos to say if it all works out they may all come over together in the future or he may wish to take the kids to DC for holidays to get to know their half sister. Dont think its a good idea to not tell as it gives them the whole pregnancy to get used to idea of dads new baby. Hope it all goes well. Good luck.

ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave · 29/06/2022 22:57

I agree I’d possible dad should tell them at a prepared time so you can be about after the call to talk to them

Definitely this.

kimfox · 29/06/2022 23:12

My DF had another baby with a new partner and let my DM tell me. I felt very hurt and thoroughly betrayed, and more so that he didn't even tell me himself. He should tell her / them and reassure them himself. (Imo!)

De88 · 29/06/2022 23:13

Nope, not your job. He should tell them himself, and you be around afterwards.

caringcarer · 29/06/2022 23:14

I would not tell them until after baby is born. Just in case. I have a friend who went in hospital in labour and everything was fine but ended up having a difficult birth and stillborn baby. Occasionally this happens. All her nursery was set up too and it was her first child. After baby born safely it is her Dad's job to tell them.

blisstwins · 29/06/2022 23:16

I have been in this boat and it sucks. It is his job to tell. Very sorry.

malificent7 · 29/06/2022 23:16

Dd has a deadbeat dad but was thrilled to find out she had a sister.

GG1986 · 29/06/2022 23:17

How far along is this other woman? Do your children need to know right now or could you leave it a few months? Also get him to tell them over video or phone call.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/06/2022 23:23

He needs to tell them. You need to step back a bit.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/06/2022 23:25

PS: Why are you devastated? You'd already split up and he'd moved countries...

Gymnopedie · 29/06/2022 23:26

Ex has told me nothing is going to change and tell the children he loves them and nothing is going to change.

But it has changed, hasn't it?

He would visit our two children often, every other month or so at weeks at a time. However, he has been acting differently theses past months and has not visited for 7 months, his phone contact has also decreased.

I think you need a very firm talk with him before you say anything about anything to your DCs. It sounds like he's already set up to be a flake, don't make promises on his behalf that he won't keep. I agree, he should be the one to tell them about the new baby, and he should be the one to tell them how it's going to be going forward.

saleorbouy · 29/06/2022 23:32

I think it's up to your ex to tell your DC about his new situation. Why should you be the bearer of his news ( especially if you don't think it will be well received)
Surely he can keep up some sort of relationship over video calls, it's not the same as personal contact but would surely be better than no contact.
Unfortunately it's up to him how he maintains.the relationship with your DC, you can only support, answer questions honestly and let them draw their own conclusions about how high up they are in your Ex's priorities.

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