Devastated! Should I tell my children?

[Nel70]

My ex partner moved back to his home country after we broke up. He would visit our two children often, every other month or so at weeks at a time. However, he has been acting differently theses past months and has not visited for 7 months, his phone contact has also decreased. The children are missing him, they think the world of their dad.

He called me and told me he has met someone and she fell pregnant within months of meeting her and he is making a go of it with her in his home country. My children will be devastated, I don't know how am I going to tell them that their father is having another baby. My daughter especially who is 6 is going to be heartbroken. I don't think she will be able to process it and I'm worried that with her dad not being around as much as he was that she will be thinking he is with his new baby who is also a girl. She adores her dad and keeps asking for him. Ex has told me nothing is going to change and tell the children he loves them and nothing is going to change.

He lives in Washington DC and we live in England. When he visits he will be visiting alone. We do not visit over there and have no plans to. Should I tell the children about his new baby or wait til they are older? I don't want to cause them any pain/sadness when they may not ever meet this other child.

This.

Worry about the contact pattern first of all. You can mention the baby slightly later once you know exactly what you’re saying about dad/contact/baby.

Why would you be devastated that's a bit odd. You're no longer together, people get together and have babies, not sure it'll be that much of a drama unless you make it into one. It's not really anything to do with you, it's down to him to tell his kids after baby's here and in his own way, why would you think this is your news to announce? 🙄

I wouldnt tell them.. sounds like he is already disappearing from their lives anyway. Add in a new baby and they will 100% feel they were dumped for his other child. I would spare them. I have grown up in this situation and it is very damaging

Honestly, it sounds like he’s slowly ghosting you and the children too. Bad dads do do that sometimes and it might be worth getting professional advice from a child therapist on how to handle it with them.

Sounds like you are projecting.
You children will take their cues from you. If they are 'heartbroken' or 'devastated' it will be because of how you frame it. 🤷‍♀️

They'll be hurt and disappointed but honesty is always the best option when it comes to big secrets that won't disappear.

DC are resilient with your support they'll get on with life without him.

It will be much easier to explain now that Daddy is giving them a new sister than to explain later on why you didn't TELL them when it happened. Trust me on this one.

I don’t really understand why you are devastated, tbh. He’s your ex. He still plans to see his children. It’s not a shock that he can’t keep flying back from the US every couple of months, nor that he might meet someone new. Does he video call the children? If so, let him tell them, but if not you should. They will be excited, not devastated, unless you tell them they should be.

Let him tell your kids the news. Why feel the need that you must do it.
Your kids concern is their own father not another woman or kid he's spawned.

There's nothing wrong with him having another relationship and having a child with his girlfriend (Though this particular relationship does seem rushed and not overly stable.)

He should still make an effort with the kids he already has, though.

I think the kids will only be gutted about the new baby if you imply to them that being gutted is the response they should have.

tell them they’re having a baby brother/sister. They’ll be excited

Rubbish. They'll feel rejected. It's not really a brother/sister if they're not part of your life. It's more like "Dad's found a new, more fun hobby than you".

9 months is a long time for kids. They don't need to know anything till about a month prior to the due date. That buys some time I suppose.

He hasn't seen them for 7 months? He's a prick! Let him do it if he ever visits again. Does he pay for their upkeep?

It’s 100% his job to tell them. I would advise him to wait until baby is born and question him about what level of involvement he promises, just to be sure in your conversations with kids.

It’s not your news @Nel70. It’s up to their dad to tell them.

I wouldnt.

Chances this is the first step in him backing off and not seeing the kids at all and leaving you to do the hard work of helping with that. You will ask when he is coming and for the first year it will be that he cant cos of the pregnancy then the baby then money etc........

He moved halfway across the world when you split, this is not a committed father. Just say what I had to when my ex did the same (although within the UK) and say that you dont know why Daddy isnt coming over but that you love them both.

When my ex tried to get in touch when they were adults they both told him to fuck off. He accused me of alienating them, I saw the email my daughter sent that made it quite clear that him fucking off for years was what alienated them, he hasnt been in touch since.

Oh and is there any proof that his new partner even knows about the kids? Could be that the reason he isnt coming over is because she doesnt even know that they exist. New woman, new baby, new life.......

They need to be told well before the birth. My parent got remarried overseas and didn't tell us till the day after. Them getting remarried didn't bother us, not being told till after the event was really upsetting. They also had another child, fairly absent before and after, random occasional contact. I don't remember being upset about our half sibling, but I do remember being upset that we didn't know from early on. Your DC have one largely absent parent, they need to know they can count on you to be honest.

They are not likely to see this new baby therfore it will make it a lot harder. My daughter is at a baby obsessed stage at the moment as well

Why wouldn't they see the baby ? Surely he can come over with his new partner and baby when the time comes, or you could send the kids over there for a holiday. He is only in Washington, it's not the end of the earth.

Who do you have no plans to bring your children to see their father? It’s for your children.

My father moved back to New York when my parents split up but we kept in contact on a regular basis. He went on to remarry and I have a good relationship with his wife and half-siblings, in fact, I just see them as my sisters.

I see him on a regular basis ( global pandemics allowing ) but he's always been there for me and proved a life saver when I really needed his help.

He has a place in the Hamptons where my kids are busting to spend the summer. He's lovely and I'm glad we maintained a relationship, dispite my mother.

Why though? Biologically maybe but dad isn't around, they are very young why bother

Maybe because he has essentially abandoned their children for a new life? She is the sole parent! She built so much up in regards to expectations and the life with her ex and he has knocked up someone else immediately and ditched his family.

He chose to move away it's his responsibility to coordinate seeing his children.