Devastated! Should I tell my children?

[Nel70]

My ex partner moved back to his home country after we broke up. He would visit our two children often, every other month or so at weeks at a time. However, he has been acting differently theses past months and has not visited for 7 months, his phone contact has also decreased. The children are missing him, they think the world of their dad.

He called me and told me he has met someone and she fell pregnant within months of meeting her and he is making a go of it with her in his home country. My children will be devastated, I don't know how am I going to tell them that their father is having another baby. My daughter especially who is 6 is going to be heartbroken. I don't think she will be able to process it and I'm worried that with her dad not being around as much as he was that she will be thinking he is with his new baby who is also a girl. She adores her dad and keeps asking for him. Ex has told me nothing is going to change and tell the children he loves them and nothing is going to change.

He lives in Washington DC and we live in England. When he visits he will be visiting alone. We do not visit over there and have no plans to. Should I tell the children about his new baby or wait til they are older? I don't want to cause them any pain/sadness when they may not ever meet this other child.

Oh op you sounds in a mess sweetheart thinking of you

He needs to tell them. He also needs to make solid plans to visit and also to have them stay with him. Do you not have access arrangements and support in place. He's still dad no matter what. Even if he hasn't physically visited he should be keeping up with FaceTime etc often. The fact he's said nothing will change indicates willingness. Talk to to him and his him to call more often and sort how many times a year he'll visit.

I would tell him he needs to tell the kids he loves them himself! And factually point out that his visits and phone calls HAVE changed.

Hard to support the kids when their father is letting them down like that. I wouldn’t gaslight them by telling them that everything is ‘exciting’ and ‘still the same’ when that isn’t how they feel, or what they see happening.

Tell him to work out what commitment he realistically can make to the children and to stick to it.

Sort contact out first.that needs to either get back into a better place or ending.not here there and everywhere and not knowing.its a must for the kids stability and safety emotionally.
Because if you tell them about the baby bow there ability to think rationally isn't developed yet.so they WILL automatically just link- missing,no contact dad for months now=ah because of his new gf and baby and we've been abandoned.
You need to help them with the less contact first to keep them separate.
This isn't the babies or siblings fault.you want them to be brothers and sisters who live eacother.dont let that start with resentment if you tell them this is why they think daddy's gone from their lives.

But the ops ex isn't keeping regular contact is he?

Some people are either very unempathetic, or are just hard of thinking.

The OP is devastated because of the way she can see this impacting on her beloved children. She may be right, she may be wrong.

But she has watched him walk out on them, move across the Atlantic, and recently she has observed him withdraw even more. Now, his new partner is pregnant with what looks from the outside, as a replacement child. Or at least it could look like a replacement child to her young DD who loves, misses, and doesn’t get to see (let alone live with) her Dad. Unlike new child.

Surely such a response is well within the realms of normal for a loving Mum concerned with the well-being of her children?

@Nel70 I’m sorry that your ex isn’t maintaining regular contact with your dc like he used to. If he abandons his kids then that is devastating.

Having a baby with his girlfriend isn’t a reason to be less of a father to his children and is not a reason to abandon them. That is totally on him. His baby is half sister to your dc and it could be a very positive experience for them if handled right.

I hope he doesn’t use his new relationship and baby as an excuse to abandon your children. That would be painful and truly sad for them.

Just be there for them, support them and love them.

As with any bad news, honesty is the best policy. Let dad tell them and then be there to pick up the mess. Try and be positive but manage expectations realistically.
Ask ex to be more consistent with video calls at least.

Of course kids not getting to see their father is devastating. Theirs some weird posters on here!!

Is he facetiming them/keeping contact in another way?

I really do feel for you and your kids. It's a tricky tightrope to walk.

Let him tell them.

How often is he facetiming them?

Exactly RenegadeMatron!

Op, I would let him tell them himself.

Agree with all other posters. He needs to tell them but you need to have a private discussion first about how he is going to do it, what he’s going to say and what he is honestly going to commit to in terms of visiting them. I’d also ask politely about his new partner and double check she is aware if his children. This is tricky but workable but only if all adults are on the same page.

He needs to tell them and reassure them they are loved.

I agree your ex needs to tell them about their new half sibling. I would definitely ensure they are told by someone though. They have a right to know about half siblings.

I’d say it’s inevitable contact will reduce and this is why the OP is devastated, because of the hurt this will cause her children. I think even without a new partner & baby contact would have reduced as flying across the Atlantic so often wouldn’t be practical long term. Encourage video calls and I’d leave it for him to tell them, maybe when baby is born. He needs to be the one encouraging him that they are still just as important to him.

I believe he is trying to cut contact to maybe just a few calls and a visit a year maybe... he knows once he has this baby in his life he wont want to reduce baby time to visit his other kids .. sounds horrible for your babies :(

^ This

I’m not sure if anyone saying “they will be excited” and that “you are projecting” have ever been in this situation or experienced being the child?

OP I agree with you, how can they be excited about a baby they will not be able to see and a baby that gets to live with the father they miss?

He should be the one to tell them.

I thought this too but then I’ve not been in this situation either. But it seems natural that when they miss their dad they’ll think of him with their half sibling. Or if they see current pics of him they’ll see him smiling with their half sibling doing fun things they used to do or would want to do.

Your real problem is that this man is clearly going to phase himself out of your children’s lives. He is doing it already and his new child isn’t even here yet. Realistically, he is not going to have much contact once he has a new family set up in his home country.
Have a serious chat with him. But he’s already lying about nothing changing as it has already. He is probably not facing up himself to what his is doing re. His existing children. I
agree with others, he should tell about new baby, once it’s born. I think it should be factual, not exciting, and he should answer their questions and worries.
i’n sorry OP but I really think you will be in a picking up the pieces row here. All strength to you

Does he speak to them over facetime? Or provide for them in other ways (gifts, letters, maintenance?).
It's difficult to make a judgement on the fact that he hadn't visited fin person for 7 months as I know annual leave in the US is awful. Also bloody expensive to keep flying over.

My ex and I live in different countries and have done since about a year after we split. I moved first.

He has had two children since, my DD was excited about it and loves her brother and sister.
I was the one pushing the contact for a long time initially on Skype and more recently WhatsApp.
He did become a better father to DD once he had other children.

I do get why you are upset, it will change the dynamics of the relationship.

You're projecting your feelings onto your childen. You are hurt, jealous, threatened by new partner and baby. Your children will be excited to welcome and love their new sibling, and their Dad's new partner. If you allow it, if you present it that way. More love and family is a good thing for them.

Of course it might not be so rosy, their Dad might be less present, either or both mothers may cause problems - but worry about that if it happens, don't assume it will. It's hard OP, and it's a fork in the road, where you feel one thing and your children another. Try to follow what's best for them. Big love to you.

Rubbish. They'll feel rejected. It's not really a brother/sister if they're not part of your life. It's more like "Dad's found a new, more fun hobby than you“

not rubbish at all.
more projecting.

they wont be devastated
they will be exicted to have a baby sibling.
i know i was - or at least i was not devastated.
be proud op, hold your head up