Devastated! Should I tell my children?

[Nel70]

My ex partner moved back to his home country after we broke up. He would visit our two children often, every other month or so at weeks at a time. However, he has been acting differently theses past months and has not visited for 7 months, his phone contact has also decreased. The children are missing him, they think the world of their dad.

He called me and told me he has met someone and she fell pregnant within months of meeting her and he is making a go of it with her in his home country. My children will be devastated, I don't know how am I going to tell them that their father is having another baby. My daughter especially who is 6 is going to be heartbroken. I don't think she will be able to process it and I'm worried that with her dad not being around as much as he was that she will be thinking he is with his new baby who is also a girl. She adores her dad and keeps asking for him. Ex has told me nothing is going to change and tell the children he loves them and nothing is going to change.

He lives in Washington DC and we live in England. When he visits he will be visiting alone. We do not visit over there and have no plans to. Should I tell the children about his new baby or wait til they are older? I don't want to cause them any pain/sadness when they may not ever meet this other child.

They are only 6 and 7. I feel would be easier if they were a bit older :(

It won't get easier, because then it'll be an older child you're telling them about.

You can't change anything that's happened or is going to happen in their lives. Their dad will likely do as he pleases and while you will want to protect them as much as you can, you won't win any favours for omitting this information. If he isn't going to tell them, you do need to.

It doesn't have to be a big deal. Bright and breezy, answer questions, but the most important thing, I promise you, is to be honest.

I had older children and a 5 yr old. WAY easier on the 5 yr old. She knew her dad worked a long way away and I did not make an issue of anything so she never picked up on any negativity.
As has been said so many times, they will follow your lead. You can make it easy for them or not. Sucks that it is up to YOU to make it ok but it is best for the children if you do.

I think you are projecting here. They are kids. They will be excited that they will be having a baby brother or sister they won't be devastated at all.

Make it sound exciting. Their reaction depends on yours

Yes this. It will be you doing the main work of supporting them however they react. Well done for trying to figure out how you feel.

Of course you tell them. Or he tells them, whatever. You make it a nice thing, not naively exciting because they won't meet the baby, but 'isn't that nice' level. No big deal. Do not project your feelings onto them.

Why do you even care if your ex is having a baby anyway?

Don't you dare lie to them
Tell them the truth
Otherwise the truth will come out years from now but then they'll blame YOU foe lying.

Just be honest.

Their dad needs to stick to a video call schedule at least twice a week. He needs to tell them about the baby
You need to discuss setting up scheduled contact arrangements with ex.

I don't think they'll be devastated. You might be but not them. Their father needs to tell them the news and they'll be excited. When they are older, they'll be able to fly over and visit

I’m not sure if you read my post. Keeping them in the dark will not prevent them from feeling rejected. They just won’t know why they’ve been rejected.

You need to speak to their dad and find out what, if anything, he will commit to in terms of contact. If it’s nothing then you have to accept that. If it’s monthly FaceTime then you have to support that. Yearly visits the same. But then you need to be honest with your children.

You are preoccupied with the new baby being the main factor. It isn’t. The key issue is parental abandonment or at the very least a level of rejection in favour of the new family. It’s the parental loss that will have the most significant emotional impact. The baby will raise questions but the main issue is daddy not being around.

Be gently honest with your children and be supportive of them having whatever contact they continue to have. Provide them with a loving, stable home and make sure they know they are the best children in the world. That’s what will help them as they grow up.

Don’t be secretive or dishonest. It’s never a good foundation for a healthy family.

Well that would be a bit daft wouldn't it! Children age 6 kind of assume if they're going to have a sibling it'll be one that they can play with, not one thousands of miles away that they'll likely never meet it at least not for years!!

@Nel70 Did you not say 'it HAS ALREADY changed!! You haven't visited the children in months & you don't call them much anymore. This is on YOU, YOU tell them you are having another child in the USA who they won't meet & that you'll no longer be coming as often. Don't put that on me! I'll have to deal with the fall out as it is!'

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I think you should give him an ultimatum to tell them himself or you will and then stick to it. You now know and can't unknow it - your children will need your support not secrecy.

If it falls on you then tell them in a matter of fact, low-key way - as if it's a 'normal' occurrence, which sadly it is. Of course it's likely to hurt your children but will probably play out in different ways over the years as they grow and their knowledge of how family relationships work increases.

Stay as calm and factual as you can. The rest is up to him - BUT they have a right to know this and it will be less traumatic to learn it now than find you (and of course) he have been keeping this massive secret for years....

I wish you and your children luck and happiness.