Devastated! Should I tell my children?

[Nel70]

My ex partner moved back to his home country after we broke up. He would visit our two children often, every other month or so at weeks at a time. However, he has been acting differently theses past months and has not visited for 7 months, his phone contact has also decreased. The children are missing him, they think the world of their dad.

He called me and told me he has met someone and she fell pregnant within months of meeting her and he is making a go of it with her in his home country. My children will be devastated, I don't know how am I going to tell them that their father is having another baby. My daughter especially who is 6 is going to be heartbroken. I don't think she will be able to process it and I'm worried that with her dad not being around as much as he was that she will be thinking he is with his new baby who is also a girl. She adores her dad and keeps asking for him. Ex has told me nothing is going to change and tell the children he loves them and nothing is going to change.

He lives in Washington DC and we live in England. When he visits he will be visiting alone. We do not visit over there and have no plans to. Should I tell the children about his new baby or wait til they are older? I don't want to cause them any pain/sadness when they may not ever meet this other child.

Did you live on different continents?

yes as it happens @AllyCatTown

your dc will take guidance from your reaction op.
dont be devastated.
it was bound to happen
hide your feelings

also, if they are not going to see the baby - there is no haste in anyone telling them

Of course you should tell them. And make it a positive thing.

It would be much worse if you hide it from them.

Then it becomes you who's broken their trust, when they find out.

This 100%

I also think you are dictating their response.

Whatever it will be will be their normal. If you weep and wail and make out like this is terrible then that is how they will see it.

Maybe it will make him a better dad but he was never going to be there full time anyway by the sound of it. Also, whatever happens, if it's better than contact over 7 months then that will be better than what it currently is.

Blaming his potential decrease in interest on the new arrival is wrong. He's already absent and not doing a great job at parenting.

I speak with the experience of someone who was the child of this situation. My father opted to leave and not maintain contact apart from very sporadically. My mum didn’t tell me about the other woman and baby. I found out in my teens.

My advice to you would be to try and have an honest conversation with your childrens father and establish his intentions. For your children, parent abandonment is the trauma here. The baby is secondary. You need to find a way to support them through the loss of their father and ensure that any contact they do have with him is consistent and managed. Consistency is key for childrens emotional wellbeing and you can provide this in their family home.

Personally I wouldn’t suggest keeping the truth from them, it will be difficult but at least they’ll be dealing with something real rather than wondering why their dad left.

In adulthood I figured out that I was better off without my dysfunctional dad around and his absence probably made my life easier in many respects. The journey is tough but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Good luck OP x

Why would you tell them unless he refuses to? It's his news not yours. Tell him that he needs to tell the kids and answer any questions they have, and to make sure they don't feel pushed out in favour of the new baby (although of course there's not much you can do about it if he does except be there for yours). If your dd is baby obsessed I don't see why she would be devastated, even if she can't see the baby he can send photos. I think you are projecting and this is about you and how you feel, don't put that on your kids.

Op you need to get to grips with the worst case scenario, that he fazes himself out of their lives completely no contact. This could have happened anyway and the fact that he had told you about a new gf and baby makes no difference. I think all the rest is up to him. He should do all the arrangements of visits and calls and explaining himself and his new situation. You can celebrate with them if / when they find out about their half sister and console them when they are let down. You cannot protect them from their own reality, this is not your job. Someday they will have to feel the effects of their fathers actions, and you will be there every step of the way. That said it is up to you to make life as lovely for them as YOU can, show them that although they cannot control all the factors in life they can make the best of all situations and your love can show them that love conquers all. Be strong!

Would it be time to let them visit him in his home country?

Tell them pose it as exciting a new baby brother or sister. It's how you pitch it.

I have an unconventional family set up which has necessitated me framing information about my children's lives that has the potential to be uncomfortable and presenting it in such a way that it has a positive spin.

I always give the truth as I know from experience (and research) that withholding is never the best way.
Ultimately you are going to have to embrace this situation if (as you should) you want your ex to maintain a relationship with his
children in England.

Your ex has to step up and you need to talk to him. He needs to own his story.
You and he need to formulate a plan to come over here regularly and he has to stick with it.
If he can't promise that then you need to find out what he can promise. He has pre existing obligations.
If he is a flake then you are going to have to frame that for them.
At this age you are in control of the story and a spin (not a lie) that lessens the emotional impact on the kids is for the best.
Don't let them know you are devastated (you can acknowledge it might be odd, and then emphasis how exciting it will be to have a sister in America).

You say you have no plans to go to the US.
But you could (if you can afford it, and maybe he should help given that he was flying here so regularly) go and visit the baby and your husband and the new partner.
It will be hard, but in the long run it will help your children see this as an extended family and make American an adventurous part of their life.

The way so many fathers just back out of their responsibilities ( or just don't prioritise them) makes me so angry!

He needs to tell his own children my ex tried making me tell our daughter I said no you tell her it's your baby not mine 😆 he refused 😶

I think he needs to re establish contact before he tells them about the baby. They already feel hurt and rejected that they haven't seen him in so long and they will probably attribute that to new girlfriend and baby. It's his job to tell them and he should do it in person.

He lives in Washington DC and we live in England. When he visits he will be visiting alone. We do not visit over there and have no plans to

Might that change, now you know your children will have at least one sibling there?

Obviously we dont know the OPs circumstances but if but if my ex did this there would be no way I could afford to take them over. He would have to pay for me to take them there and it doesnt sound like her ex is likely to pony up for three flights to the US when he isnt paying for one for himself to come here.

The OP is devastated because of the way she can see this impacting on her beloved children
They will react depending on how OP reacts and behaves 🤷‍♀️

I’m not sure if anyone saying “they will be excited” and that “you are projecting” have ever been in this situation or experienced being the child?
I have been in a similar situation with my children so I know it's all in the framing. OP is hurt and angry and whatever else she is entitled to feel. I'm sure there is that part that wants the children to feel as she does. Not in the childrens best interest no matter how satisfying it may feel. There is no reason the children need to be devastated as well.

Hi thank you all for your advice. He has not been answering calls and I can feel him drifting away. I never in a million years thought he would act this way it is like he has turned into a completely different person.

My worry now is that if I (or him if he bothers to call) tell the children about his new baby then they are going to automatically link - no dad - new baby. I'm worried that if I tell them and their dad disappears from their life then they will feel huge rejection and could damage them. They are only 6 and 7. Please help, I don't know how to handle this. I want to protect them. They are happy children and this could knock them knowing their dad is no longer In their life which they will equate to his new baby and in turn feel rejected.

Do I not tell them in the case he is no longer going to be around.

Or

Tell them and then he is still no longer going to be around. I feel this could be damaging and take away their happiness.

Please help. I just want to do what is best for them.

Why would you tell them? They would not pick up a phone with him so it is up to you to say to him IF he calls they don't know about this . I have this feeling you won't be hearing much from him in the future. I asked before does he pay maintenance?

Hi thank you all for your advice. He has not been answering calls and I can feel him drifting away. I never in a million years thought he would act this way it is like he has turned into a completely different person

That is what often happens when there is a new woman on the scene.

How do you know they will be devastated? You haven't said anything to suggest that.

I wouldn't keep it from them but I would suggest he needs to be the one to tell them.

I think ideally he should be the one to tell them; if he's planning to break promises it should be he who makes them in the first place. With absent fathers I think the best thing you can do is always be honest with them. If he refuses to tell them himself you absolutely need to tell them. It's heartbreaking, but you need to maintain the trust with them. What if you don't tell them and your ex lets it out on a phone call? I had an absent father but my mother was always my rock, and as I got older I increasingly appreciated that. She never bad-mouthed him when we were kids and left the door open for him to visit any time he wanted, but she was honest with us and always there with plenty of hugs when he let us down.

This is very drastic but would it be an option to fly them out to him over the summer?

Talking from experience (a very similar experience) you absolutely need to tell them. You need to be on the right side of this morally, and if they grow up and find out you knew and didn't tell them, that will tarnish their relationship with you.

Children are VERY resilient. Keep communication open, don't make any topic off limits and let them decide for themselves how they feel. But do tell them. It's worse in your head than it will be out loud, and it's 100x worse to keep it a secret.