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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really not want to go on a family holiday?

118 replies

GrumpyGert · 29/06/2022 21:15

DH has been going on for a while now about wanting to go on a family holiday with me, our DC and his older DC from a previous relationship.

We have holidayed in the UK before together when they were younger although nothing since ours were born due to the pandemic and finances.

He has never taken his older kids abroad and really wants us to save up and go. I've been away twice with our joint DC with family one time and a friend and her DC another. This was outside of the school holidays so cheap and cheerful.

Basically I just really don't want to go on a big all together holiday during summer hols. I feel like it would be awful, crowded, expensive, DSC often fall out and DH can be a bit Disney with them too so imagine the whole thing would be solely doing whatever DSC wanted.

Is there any way of saying this to him where I don't sound awful? Or do I just need to suck it up and do it. If he were to pay because it's something he really wants I'd maybe consider it but the thought of me also having to spend a sickening amount saving up myself to go on a holiday I don't even want to go on makes me feel very meh.

YABU - you should want to go. Suck it up.

YANBU - it's fine for you to not want to do this / not save up for it.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/06/2022 21:18

If he can afford it he should take them by himself. No need to remind him they’re prone to scrapping and you hate the idea. Tell him they’ll appreciate time with just their dad to do age appropriate stuff and to send you a postcard.

Original poster
GrumpyGert · 29/06/2022 21:23

I just can't imagine him ever going by himself. And me suggesting that would be clear that I didn't want to come which I'm sure he'd want a reason for. He thinks it would be a lovely thing and I just can't help but disagree!

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 29/06/2022 21:33

If he really wants a holiday with his older kids then he’ll go on his own. If he won’t it’s because he can’t be arsed doing all the parenting by himself or he knows what they’re like and doesn’t think it’s worth it without you and younger DC.

You can go and resent it and be miserable, or you can make an excuse to skip it, or you can be honest.

You should be able to talk to him, he’s your husband. But if he’d be mortally offended by hearing what you think his kids would be like on holiday abroad - fair enough I guess - then be diplomatic and say you can’t all afford to go, or the DSC will have a better time with just dad.

altiara · 29/06/2022 21:49

I’d vote both - suck it up, but also not want to pay!
What about camping?

Or look at camp sites in France such as eurocamp or yelloh village. I’ve been to one where’s there’s a couple of swimming pools, slides and woohoo a spa!!! I hope it was all on the same site, have been to a few now. You don’t have to camp in tents, we had a static caravan type thing.

zafferana · 29/06/2022 22:00

I'd have an honest, non-confrontational discussion about it and I'm a bit baffled that anyone who is married can't just do that. I know the subject of step-children and their behaviour can be incendiary, but I don't think it's controversial to say what you said above. Holidays CAN be stressful, DC can ruin them with bickering and being ungrateful and difficult, and it can all seem like an expensive waste of time that leads to parental resentment at the effort it's taken to save up and go away. I'd urge your DH not to see this with rose-tinted spectacles and to be realistic about your family dynamics.

Original poster
GrumpyGert · 30/06/2022 06:16

I'd urge your DH not to see this with rose-tinted spectacles and to be realistic about your family dynamics.

Thanks. He does tend to do this with most things including DSC

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 30/06/2022 06:36

For me it would depend on where your DH is thinking of going, if it’s at a hotel/resort that has kids clubs/organised activities you may not see DC during the day. Do all the DC get along, would they like to go on holiday together, if yes, then I’d be more than happy to go on a big family holiday. Children grow up before you know it, maybe your DH wants to have memories of a family holiday.

Original poster
GrumpyGert · 30/06/2022 06:41

Mindymomo · 30/06/2022 06:36

For me it would depend on where your DH is thinking of going, if it’s at a hotel/resort that has kids clubs/organised activities you may not see DC during the day. Do all the DC get along, would they like to go on holiday together, if yes, then I’d be more than happy to go on a big family holiday. Children grow up before you know it, maybe your DH wants to have memories of a family holiday.

He wouldn't want to go anywhere like a big family resort. It's more likely to be a villa with a pool type thing.

The children get along somewhat ... DSC get along really well with our younger children but DSC don't get along together if that makes sense? They are very close in age and wind each other up. We can't go anywhere without some form of argument or shouting between them.

Children grow up before you know it, maybe your DH wants to have memories of a family holiday.

Yes this will be it from his POV.

OP posts:
SharpLily · 30/06/2022 06:43

Can you not just tell him what you've told us? It sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

The other option is to look for a slightly different type of holiday, maybe some sort of themed or activity break - I say this as someone who lives near a tourist resort (not UK) and can't imagine why anyone wants to go there in summer. Locally we all avoid it like the plague in June, July and August. Overcrowded, overpriced and full of scorched, painful looking sunburn. 😱

Original poster
GrumpyGert · 30/06/2022 06:45

Can you not just tell him what you've told us? It sounds perfectly reasonable to me.

Well I guess I was just checking if it was reasonable first ha. As I say he tends to be quite Disney / rose tinted with DSC so I can't imagine him taking it well me saying I'd rather not come.

OP posts:
Ylvamoon · 30/06/2022 06:46

I'd give it a go, but it would have to be somewhere with plenty to do for the kids and no cooking ect. So all inc somewhere sunny!

bare · 30/06/2022 06:49

How old are the big two? Surely a resort style hotel with activities would give them more independence and less likelihood of getting on each other's nerves?

Apollonia1 · 30/06/2022 06:53

Given the background info you've provided, I wouldn't want it to be a regular thing.

But I can see why your husband wants a one-off holiday with all his kids and you there. I'd go, but set ground rules with your husband (Eg you'll do no cooking, if the step-children start arguing and ruining the day, you'll take yourself off for the day)

balalake · 30/06/2022 07:04

There are times of year where things will be less crowded, would a first step be something shorter, perhaps say to northern France?

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 30/06/2022 07:06

I’d work with DH to find a solution that does work for you all - taking into account their different ages and making sure there are options for everyone to have a good time including you. It really doesn’t have to be ‘awful, overcrowded and expensive’, time to do some research. You sound like you’ve made up your mind that it’ll be awful without looking at options and discussing it just because fundamentally you don’t want to do it for some reason - which is unreasonable.

You’re one family and it’s not unreasonable for DH to want to go on holiday with all his children. Won’t your kids enjoy being with their siblings?

DasGirl · 30/06/2022 07:07

I take it your younger children are pre-school?
Why not just explain what you've said here about not wanting to go abroad in the school holidays when it's crowded and expensive (and very hot) while you still have the option not to.

If the family holiday is something he really wants to do as a one off then plan it for 3 years time (or whatever) when you'll be tied to school holidays anyway.

But also suggest if he wants to go with his kids in the meantime then that's fine. Or he takes them out of school and they join you at a time when you might be going anyway, like September. But my guess is he won't do either of those.

That way you haven't said no but have suggested options and compromise

GreatCrash · 30/06/2022 07:09

In your situation, I'd frame the conversation around the finances rather than not wanting to go (as I think that could make you sound a bit joyless). It sounds like saving up for it would be quite a big deal for you? I'd talk to him about finances and how worried you are about the rising cost of living etc, say that unfortunately you don't think you can justify a big expensive summer holiday this year.

Darbs76 · 30/06/2022 07:09

I think he needs to pay, and you need to suck it up. I can understand why he wants to take all his children away together. I’m sure that will mean a lot to him and you not wanting to go will cause an argument. So your choice how strongly you feel about not wanting to go

PermanentTemporary · 30/06/2022 07:10

I wold suck it up and go, but I would want input into the type of holiday. Stuck in a rural villa with a pool might be great or very much not. Are the older ones able to drive? Will there be enough cars so that you they can get away? Activities nearby?

Also what would the SDC actually like to do? Would they prefer a resort or a town with more flexibility? Mountains? Coast?

I have to say my heart is failing me at the possible cost of this - I wonder what your budget is. Trying to do this on the cheap so incompatible children have to share rooms, there's not enough space or ways to get out and it really could be tough.

BackToTheTop · 30/06/2022 07:15

I'd say what you said to us, in your OP, to him. Sounds completely reasonable.

Also, with the cost of everything going up, I'd be worried about spending such a large amount. Sounds like you have separate finances, would he pay 100% for the dsc and himself and then 50% for your dc? So you only pay for yourself and half the costs for your joint dc. Might make it more palatable.

pilates · 30/06/2022 07:16

I would suck it up and go for a week.

Original poster
GrumpyGert · 30/06/2022 07:20

With the finances it's not that we can't afford it but it would mean saving which means I'd have less disposable income myself for other things I may want to do. The thought of doing that when I don't particularly want to go anyway isn't very appealing.

Our finances are sort of semi separate, we pay bills and things for our DC jointly but then have our own accounts for the rest as we earn a similar amount.

Taking them out of school wouldn't be an option as their mum wouldn't like that, and neither would DH I don't think.

They don't drive, they are too young (early teens). Yes our DC are pre school.

If I agreed to go, what would be fair for funding it? I think he's got it in his head that we'll both just put an amount away every month from our disposable but I'm not really wanting to pay half the cost considering I don't even particularly want to go! What should I suggest? I pay for me and half of our DC and he for the rest? Or he pays for all the DC and I just pay for me?

OP posts:
GreatCrash · 30/06/2022 07:21

Would your DH at least be paying for himself, his own DC and half your shared DC? I hope he wouldn't expect you to split the cost of his DC?

resuwen · 30/06/2022 07:22

I think you haven't tried it yet so should give it a go, it could be great. You can't blame the man for wanting to take his family on holiday! Like others have said, I'd look at an active site with lots of activities to keep people busy. You might even enjoy it!

turkeyboots · 30/06/2022 07:22

Villa and self-catering generally isn't a holiday for whoever is doing the cooking and cleaning, which I'll guess isn't your DH? Hotel or activity based holiday, maybe PGL style, would give you a holiday and distract the arguing teens.