To really not want to go on a family holiday?

[GrumpyGert]

DH has been going on for a while now about wanting to go on a family holiday with me, our DC and his older DC from a previous relationship.

We have holidayed in the UK before together when they were younger although nothing since ours were born due to the pandemic and finances.

He has never taken his older kids abroad and really wants us to save up and go. I've been away twice with our joint DC with family one time and a friend and her DC another. This was outside of the school holidays so cheap and cheerful.

Basically I just really don't want to go on a big all together holiday during summer hols. I feel like it would be awful, crowded, expensive, DSC often fall out and DH can be a bit Disney with them too so imagine the whole thing would be solely doing whatever DSC wanted.

Is there any way of saying this to him where I don't sound awful? Or do I just need to suck it up and do it. If he were to pay because it's something he really wants I'd maybe consider it but the thought of me also having to spend a sickening amount saving up myself to go on a holiday I don't even want to go on makes me feel very meh.

YABU - you should want to go. Suck it up.

YANBU - it's fine for you to not want to do this / not save up for it.

Yeah I wouldn’t want to be paying inflated prices unless I had to. Certainly wouldn’t for a holiday you don’t think you’ll like.

also at this villa who will be cooking and cleaning? For you personally a family style hotel would be better. They cook and they clean also there would be stuff for the children to do/other children for them to play with.

Paying for holidays outside of term time is expensive. Welcome to life with children. Your biological children aren't old enough for school yet but they will be and their dad will want to go on holiday with them.

The heat, location, expense, comfort etc is separate from the bare bones of it ie a man wanting to go on holiday with his children and the woman he loves. So start with the basic tenet that you married a father and one who wants to spend time on holiday with his children. Then work out together the most practical and cost effective way of doing so. I can understand not wanting to go on a hot, busy holiday full stop. But not wanting a holiday with your DSC at all seems a little strange to me.

Maybe a long weekend at actual Disney? Could be timed around Easter or May holidays - less busy then. DH could go on big rides with older children, you take toddlers to things for small children, meet up for lunch.Memorable and high- impact, but only lasts a couple of days.

You got together with a man with kids and now don't want to holiday with them because they argue?

Another good idea to look into thank you! Can't see him being keen on Disney but we'll see.

If he won't go without you it's only because he expects you to all the holiday grunt work. So you'll be doing all the planning and cooking, minding your own little ones and paying for the privilege.

So many men who can't cope with their own kids.

Remind him that you are capable enough to take your own children away without him.

I'd just say "can you see if you can find something suitable for all of us? I don't want to spend the holiday cooking for everyone every day, or having to break up spats between the teenagers so if you want me there it needs to have enough going on to reduce all of that. Don't forget it will need to have stuff for the little ones too. Let me know what you find"

Likelihood is he won't find anything to meet the criteria. Or won't motivate himself to.

Yes you're probably right! I should just do this. Leave it all to him.

Absolutely you pay for your cost and half of your shared DC's cost. He pays for his cost and 2.5 of his children's cost.

I think YAB a bit U. He wants to take (all) his children on a holiday together. If his DC are early teens, then he needs to do it now rather than in 3 years time. However I agree that a villa/pool holiday sounds like it could be hard work with the age differences. Would second a eurocamp type holiday, teens can go off and do some age appropriate activities, there'll be some "entertainment" in the evenings, pools, play areas, a beach or lake etc.
I think you should do it once - if it's hell then don't do it again!

I would be asking him what he was thinking this holiday would look like?

Who would be doing the research/booking? Is it normally you that does things like that?

Who would be packing? Cooking? Meal shopping? If it’s going to be a self catering holiday where he does Disney dad things with his teens and you shop, clean, meal plan, cook and wash up for everyone and then provide childcare alone for the smaller two, then no, that wouldn’t be something I would volunteer for!

Ask how he sees it being financially split.

I agree July and August are too hot to be in Southern Europe with toddlers, and I wouldn't do it without children, it's just too uncomfortable.
But May half term is usually lovely.
I think YABU to say you are not going at all, but the costs need to be fair ( you cover you and half your DC, and he pays for the rest. )You could put a financial limit on what you can afford to pay, and you can say it needs to be somewhere toddler friendly. You might you actually enjoy it, having the older DC there will help entertain the little ones.

@GrumpyGert

I can't imagine him taking it well me saying I'd rather not come.

Saying it like this is likely to leave you in a position where your DH thinks he can negotiate and you'll capitulate, rather than you absolutely don't want to go.

If you really don't want to go then tell him clearly and tell him why. Holidays are too precious- and expensive- not to be completely honest about how you feel, especially if he goes to be Disney Dad and it becomes no holiday for you. 🌹

Yes do this. Make clear it his is thing to organise. But if he manages then I think you'd have to go really.

I don't think this is a 'step' issue really. The idea of paying a fortune for a 'holiday' somewhere crowded with our own children bickering while I still have to cook, clean and organise everything sounds fucking awful, to be honest! There's a lot of criteria to deal with here so probably emphasise those things to your husband and forget the 'stepchildren/stepmum' aspect.

Yes. Seems perfectly fair enough to me. Holidays aren't compulsory many people don't go on holiday.

I agree it's not really to do with DSC. If these things weren't an issue I'd be happy to go with them.

The only time I do think it makes a difference is where a PP said what would I do if they were my DC, I do think there is a difference personally.

I'd imagine you'd have a different opinion if this scenario was with your actual children instead of step-children. You are now a blended family - start acting like it!

YABU!

I don't disagree. I don't think I'd find any holiday enjoyable with bickering kids mine or not but yes I'd be more likely to want to make it happen if it were my DC, I accept that.

I also don't think it would be entirely the same with our DC anyway when we are talking about Disney dad'ing. An issue which only often relates to step children.

I also came here to suggest a long weekend break, somewhere easy to get to, as a trial.

It would be nice if you both compromise.

You try 3 nights in Spain, staying somewhere you don't have to do all the cooking. Not the villa he wants, but still a holiday abroad. You could probably get a cheap all inclusive so not too costly.

As for Disney dadding, just think ahead to what you plan to do, have a rough itinerary so everyone gets something they will enjoy in there.

It wouldn't take so long to save for this type of holiday so this is what I'd try.

This. Suck it up this time and get in as much input as you possibly can on type of holiday, dates, payment split etc. If you approach it all in a positive way everything is going to be much easier.

He really isn't being unreasonable in wanting to take his older dc on a holiday abroad, and if it really is shit you have a cast iron reason for never doing it again!!

I would suggest to him that with the mixed ages of the kids it will be difficult and why doesn’t he take just the older kids this year so he can really concentrate on them and then maybe next year you can look more in advance at finding a suitable holiday for everyone.

I think YABU. Its a week or two out of your life, that means your DC get to have a holiday with their siblings. Yes, he could take them all by himself, but it's a bit much for one adult to give enough attention to 4 DC of varying ages, so that each DC has a good time.
OK, so you won't enjoy aspects of it, but personally I'd put up with that for that relatively short time, for the benefit to the family. I'm not a martyr btw, and don't think you should be, but if the balance in your family is generally fair, the odd altruistic gesture never hurt anyone.

I suppose it's also about the siblings all getting to go on holiday with each other too. It would be a bit of a shame never to go away with some of their brothers/sisters whilst they are all still young enough for family holidays.

And to be fair to your DH, him going away with all 4 (or however many there are) is quite a big challenge.