To really not want to go on a family holiday?

[GrumpyGert]

DH has been going on for a while now about wanting to go on a family holiday with me, our DC and his older DC from a previous relationship.

We have holidayed in the UK before together when they were younger although nothing since ours were born due to the pandemic and finances.

He has never taken his older kids abroad and really wants us to save up and go. I've been away twice with our joint DC with family one time and a friend and her DC another. This was outside of the school holidays so cheap and cheerful.

Basically I just really don't want to go on a big all together holiday during summer hols. I feel like it would be awful, crowded, expensive, DSC often fall out and DH can be a bit Disney with them too so imagine the whole thing would be solely doing whatever DSC wanted.

Is there any way of saying this to him where I don't sound awful? Or do I just need to suck it up and do it. If he were to pay because it's something he really wants I'd maybe consider it but the thought of me also having to spend a sickening amount saving up myself to go on a holiday I don't even want to go on makes me feel very meh.

YABU - you should want to go. Suck it up.

YANBU - it's fine for you to not want to do this / not save up for it.

Another vote for all inclusive @GrumpyGert either May or Oct. We went AI with my teenage DSD last October and it was great - loads of activities for them, free wine for me, we all ate together and if we wanted to go communal activities ie exercise class, biking etc we just booked en masse. It was really lovely.

Yep, I'd start with this. That feels easily manageable and if it does end up being a nightmare, it won't be a nightmare that rushed you several grand. You can sell it as getting them all used to going away together, building up to a bigger break.

Also I echo all the people who'd squash any kind of villa idea in these circumstances.

Northern France is not too expensive. I have a house 2 km outside of Morlaix. There is a green route you can cycle into Morlaix or walk. Morlaix has huge viaduct you can climb up so many steps and across top and down other side. That is free. A large swimming pool complex 3 km away with a large pool for swimming lengths, large fun pool with basketball hoops, high flume, spa, and trapeze you can walk along and most fall into water but a lot of teens always on there and a slide into water. A smaller shallow pool with loads of toys boats, floats etc and an outdoor water garden for younger children with loads to occupy them and it cost about 5 euros per person and you can stay as long as you want. There is also a Mimi putting course about 3 km away. Beaches are about 15-20 mins in car. Closest beach has a diving platform into sea which can be used at high tide and volleyball net. Always body boarding and most beaches have Life guards. In Morlaix it has a market twice a week and lots of shops and good restaurants. Also good tourist information and bike hire. Lots of parks around for free for little ones. I took 2 13 year old and a 5 and 3 year old and we found lots of family things to do including a maize made of maze and in the middle a trampoline park and bouncy castles and large family games. There are also aquariums if it is wet. They are expensive though. We let 13 year old ride bikes into Morlaix on their own to buy ice creams and go over viaduct. There is also a Subway, and 2 x Pizzarias they liked.

I remember holidaying with my ex. It mean no rest for me. In a villa or at a beach - still had all the housework, cooking etc but the house was dangerous - you have to be on alert all the time if there are sloppy marble floors and a pool. They didnt have all their toys.

Whilst on the beach, I had to literally stand sentinel to make sure that noone drowned, got abducted, dealt with bickering kids, trips to the toilet, sunscreen, sand in swimming costumes. Bring enough snacks and drinks and buckets etc. Too hot to walk barefoot but didnt like sand in sandals.

Ex just chilled and sunbathed. I didnt have a second to relax.

But I've also been on holiday with my best friend who was hands on and it was great fun.

So it depends on what type of person he is.

I actually found going to Haven sites in the UK much easier/fun. Activities for the kids. Fun pool. Weather easier. Fun little sightseeing trips. Static caravans just big enough to send kids to their rooms but also afforded adults some grown up times. Beaches in the UK can be great for playing in the sand and paddling. Evening entertainment. Arcades. And I'm someone who has travelled the world and pre kids rarely gone to typical holiday destinations but when you have kids some holidays are just an expensive way to make your life harder - especially if you're a mum.

Oh yeah, there's a lot to be said for an old school UK caravan park with little ones. And you can get it for barely anything outside of school holidays. But I guess that's kind of OPs point!

I think you sound pretty miserable - kids generally love a holiday, even if there is the odd falling out. Why would t you give it a go? Nothing you’ve said would stop it happening. His DC are part of the family right?

We went several time for a day out with friends whose kids were bickering constantly and even this was extremely hard so the whole holiday would be a nightmare. I think the secret is to find something flexible for everyone. You’ve said that your DH would prefer villa, wouldn’t be keen on Disney etc It looks like he’s choosing what’s more convenient for him rather what would work better for kids - it’s the main problem. They are just bored hence the bickering.

This. I'd offer to do a week AI somewhere sunny with kids club, creche and organised activities. Since you don't have shared finances, he should pay for himself, DSC and half of your joint children, you should pay for yourself and half of your joint children.

I would not do any holiday which involved me cooking a single meal, cleaning or supervising four children, including two toddlers, around a pool without a lifeguard. Nor would I be refereeing between squabbling teens who want to do different activities. You will know how your set-up works better than us, but I suspect from what you've written that you'd get stuck with the majority of the grunt work/childcare if you went on a self-catering/villa-type holiday. Find somewhere where you can stick the two littles in the creche for a couple of hours in the morning and sunbathe by the pool undisturbed!

I can't say that the idea of taking two teens and two preschoolers (have I got the numbers right?) away self-catering, even if all 4 were the children of me and my current partner, would fill me with joy.

If you decide to go I think maximum of a week and in AI rather than SC would be reasonable. You will probably be Chief Entertainments Officer for the little ones most of the time and the older ones some of the time, Chief Security Officer for the little ones most/all of the time and Chief Sorting-out-mealtimes Officer for everyone most of the time. But at least you shouldn't have to be cooking, shopping, clearing up and cleaning on top. Presumably you will have to sort out clothes and swimming gear for the little ones, but I think you should make it clear to the older ones and DH that their stuff is down to them. I always did this with my own DC and wouldn't be just dealing with theirs 'as you're doing the little ones' stuff anyway'. And hopefully a week will be survivable.

I agree with PP that a week in Southern Europe or the Canaries at May, or October, halfterm would be better financially, and a bit quieter.

Well also, you likely wouldn't have the option to have a holiday yourself without your children, even if they were constantly arguing, so you'd have to put up with it, whereas you do have another option in this scenario.

In your shoes I'd bring up the arguing with your DH, and just ask him if he thinks it's a good time to take them away since they're struggling to get along at the moment? My DP would definitely be reasonable about that.

If he still does want to do it, I'd say no to the villa for sure and insist on a hotel resort where there's no cooking, cleaning etc, and where he understands that he'll need to be on dad duty for the older ones the whole time while you handle the little ones - and even that's a sacrifice tbh as toddlers are hard on holiday.

@GrumpyGert who normally cooks, meal plans, cleans, makes beds, does washing, plans days out etc in your house? When the SC come?

Is your DH doing the bulk of it?

I'm in the AI camp. Somewhere offering activities for all ages. Wouldn't go near a villa with 2 teens and 2 LOs. DSC or my own. Same as being at home, but with sun and a pool. Equals more hazards and less of their own stuff and space. How does DH visualise a villa holiday working? Is he very hands on, domesticated etc? Will he be cooking. clearing up, watching LOs by the pool? That's before you factor in cost and timing. If I had kids in that age range no way would would I entertain a villa holiday, unless it's something you are familiar with and love.

You're supposed to be a family unit so obviously you'd both be paying half as you both earn the same.
When you have school aged children, sc or not, then you have to accept that holidays are in school holidays and that's that.
I do think that yabvu.
As for the arguments that children have, that is normal. And for you both to manage.

You're supposed to be a family unit so obviously you'd both be paying half as you both earn the same.

Why should OP pay for his dc?

And being part of a family is more than being about your needs.
What about your husband's needs and what is in the best interests of the children shared and sc alike.

No one 'needs' another human being to come along and skivvy for them on holiday though 😂. It might be in the husband and children's best interests to have the OP there to cater for them, pick up after them and generally play Dobby the house elf, but I'm sure they'll survive without her.

If they actually do want the pleasure of her company, then they need to come up with a holiday plan which is attractive to the OP and involves her getting some R&R too.

Yeah, I think this sounds sensible. Make it clear that you expect him to pay for the older children and half of the cost for the younger children.

How well off are you? Some of the holidays described sound lovely but if you are not well off then they might be too big a chunk of your income.

How well off are you? Some of the holidays described sound lovely but if you are not well off then they might be too big a chunk of your income.

We could afford to go somewhere nice but not so much that I wouldn't notice / have to forgo a few luxuries to be able to if that makes sense. Why is why I'm hesitant to do that for something I'm not even keen on the idea of!