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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really not want to go on a family holiday?

118 replies

GrumpyGert · 29/06/2022 21:15

DH has been going on for a while now about wanting to go on a family holiday with me, our DC and his older DC from a previous relationship.

We have holidayed in the UK before together when they were younger although nothing since ours were born due to the pandemic and finances.

He has never taken his older kids abroad and really wants us to save up and go. I've been away twice with our joint DC with family one time and a friend and her DC another. This was outside of the school holidays so cheap and cheerful.

Basically I just really don't want to go on a big all together holiday during summer hols. I feel like it would be awful, crowded, expensive, DSC often fall out and DH can be a bit Disney with them too so imagine the whole thing would be solely doing whatever DSC wanted.

Is there any way of saying this to him where I don't sound awful? Or do I just need to suck it up and do it. If he were to pay because it's something he really wants I'd maybe consider it but the thought of me also having to spend a sickening amount saving up myself to go on a holiday I don't even want to go on makes me feel very meh.

YABU - you should want to go. Suck it up.

YANBU - it's fine for you to not want to do this / not save up for it.

OP posts:
Original poster
GrumpyGert · 30/06/2022 07:22

resuwen · 30/06/2022 07:22

I think you haven't tried it yet so should give it a go, it could be great. You can't blame the man for wanting to take his family on holiday! Like others have said, I'd look at an active site with lots of activities to keep people busy. You might even enjoy it!

I don't blame him, I get why he wants to.

OP posts:
GreatCrash · 30/06/2022 07:22

Cross post with you OP. He should pay for your step DC.

PrisonerofZeroCovid · 30/06/2022 07:24

If your own DC are pre- school age I wouldn’t be too smug about sibling spats yet as mine got on great until they were about 6&4. Now they will have a shouting row literally every day about nothing. That said, it drives me utterly nuts so I can see why you’d want to avoid it while at the same time thinking it’s not reason enough in itself to not do the holiday. I think I would agree but he really needs to think about how it’s going to work in terms of location, duration, activities etc. I’ve done villa holidays with groups of friends so the kids all entertain each other but there still needs to be stuff to do outside it. You don’t want to end up somewhere where he’s off with his older DC doing fun stuff and you’re stuck at the villa with the little ones

jackstini · 30/06/2022 07:25

Understand it's tricky - you don't want to hurt him but you don't want a week of hell either!

What age are they all?

I think it depends how old they all are and if you really involve them in deciding where to go and what to do - so it's their decision too and that's one less thing for them to moan about

Your DH might love a villa - but will all the kids? What would keep them happy?

I think I would suck it up once, so he has the experience he wants of his whole family on holiday one time - but I'd start talking about sensible budget, location, type of holiday etc. and not agree until that was sorted. maybe dsc don't room share...?

rookiemere · 30/06/2022 07:26

I think it's quite sad you won't entertain the idea.

Once they become teens there are limited holidays left together.
Could you not ask him to come up with ideas and how to finance it, and go with the least worst one ?

Original poster
GrumpyGert · 30/06/2022 07:26

PrisonerofZeroCovid · 30/06/2022 07:24

If your own DC are pre- school age I wouldn’t be too smug about sibling spats yet as mine got on great until they were about 6&4. Now they will have a shouting row literally every day about nothing. That said, it drives me utterly nuts so I can see why you’d want to avoid it while at the same time thinking it’s not reason enough in itself to not do the holiday. I think I would agree but he really needs to think about how it’s going to work in terms of location, duration, activities etc. I’ve done villa holidays with groups of friends so the kids all entertain each other but there still needs to be stuff to do outside it. You don’t want to end up somewhere where he’s off with his older DC doing fun stuff and you’re stuck at the villa with the little ones

I'm not being smug about it, I am well aware I likely have it to come. But I do struggle to enjoy doing things 'as a family' because of it. Add into that our DC (toddlers) to look after too, the thought of being somewhere hot, expensive, overcrowded and with squabbling teens and toddlers trying to kill themselves every few minutes just really isn't something I can picture loving.

OP posts:
jackstini · 30/06/2022 07:27

And budget wise, as your finances are semi separate he should pay for 1 adult, 3 children and you pay 1 adult, 1 child

If they were all bundled together it would just come out the family pot

rookiemere · 30/06/2022 07:28

Are you saying you don't want to go on holiday at all , or that you want to go in holiday without the DSC ?

Original poster
GrumpyGert · 30/06/2022 07:30

jackstini · 30/06/2022 07:27

And budget wise, as your finances are semi separate he should pay for 1 adult, 3 children and you pay 1 adult, 1 child

If they were all bundled together it would just come out the family pot

I guess it still annoys me a little that I would still be paying inflated school holiday prices for me and our DC when we don't need to but appreciate I'm probably being UR with that.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 30/06/2022 07:30

I think YABU and that you should support your dh to do this. You don't have to go in summer. You could go in May (anywhere) or even Easter (to the canaries).

A villa is probably a bad idea. I think you need more distraction and activities for the dc. AI resort probably best so you Don't end up cooking and cleaning for everyone.

To say the cliche stepmums always get on here, you knew that he had dc when you married him. They deserve family holidays.

Original poster
GrumpyGert · 30/06/2022 07:31

rookiemere · 30/06/2022 07:28

Are you saying you don't want to go on holiday at all , or that you want to go in holiday without the DSC ?

I don't want to go on holiday during school holidays no, not whilst I don't have to. As I say, I've been away with friends and family in the past so I'm also happy to accept that means I won't always get to holiday with DH.

OP posts:
Crazykefir · 30/06/2022 07:31

Can you go on a weekend uk break as a starting point, beach, camping, theme park etc to test the water????

Original poster
GrumpyGert · 30/06/2022 07:31

Also to add I'd have no issue with DH going away.

OP posts:
Original poster
GrumpyGert · 30/06/2022 07:32

Crazykefir · 30/06/2022 07:31

Can you go on a weekend uk break as a starting point, beach, camping, theme park etc to test the water????

Might be a good idea, I'll suggest it.

OP posts:
ZenNudist · 30/06/2022 07:32

Xpost. You need to get in the mindset that school holiday prices apply to you. I'm long past being able to go outside the holidays and it's just a fact of life.

rookiemere · 30/06/2022 07:33

I can see your pov on the costs.
I'd say that you should put in what it would have cost you and DC to go outside of school holidays, and he pays the rest. If he's not prepared to do that, then I wouldn't go, or he takes and pays for the younger DC as well without you.

Original poster
GrumpyGert · 30/06/2022 07:36

rookiemere · 30/06/2022 07:33

I can see your pov on the costs.
I'd say that you should put in what it would have cost you and DC to go outside of school holidays, and he pays the rest. If he's not prepared to do that, then I wouldn't go, or he takes and pays for the younger DC as well without you.

This is what I was thinking. I'll suggest that.

OP posts:
GreatCrash · 30/06/2022 07:37

I think refusing to pay for half of your shared DC would be unreasonable. I get the school holidays thing but I think as a blended family you need to suck that up.

DasGirl · 30/06/2022 07:40

Can you go in May half term? Much less crowded and temperature will be much nicer for your little ones.

And re the cost split I would say you pay for 1 adult and 1 of your DC. Husband pays for himself and your other DC plus his older kids

Herejustforthisone · 30/06/2022 07:42

I don’t. I think the H should pay for his children. That includes all of the SC costs and half of the shared children costs. He then pays for himself too. OP pay ms half her children’s costs and herself. Fair.

SoupDragon · 30/06/2022 07:44

Basically I just really don't want to go on a big all together holiday during summer hols

well, no, you don't want to go on a big all together holiday full stop. As the SC are school age, it has to be school holidays or not at all. You want not all.

BrieAndChilli · 30/06/2022 07:52

My take on situations like this is how would you feel/act if the children were your own?

would you say no we won’t go on a family holiday as I only want to go when the little ones can go cheaper instead school time! And did your older kids coz they argue too much? I’m pretty sure the answer would be no! You would find an option that suits the whole family.
those kids are your family, you married him knowing he had kids so even though they are not biologically yours you should treat them like they are.

how would you feel if you split up and your DHs next wife refused to include your kids in family stuff coz they were too annoying or the wrong age etc? I’m pretty sure you would be upset and livid.

all families have shit bits, kids can be little nuggets at time bits there can also be positives. The older kids can watch the younger ones while you have a shower, or play with them while you have a moment to yourselves.

if you don’t want crowded then go to a villa, if you want activities but cheap then somewhere like a eurocamp could work for you.

we go last week on august as generally most of the European countries are back at school /work so it can be quieter and slightly cheaper or one of the half terms

Original poster
GrumpyGert · 30/06/2022 07:55

how would you feel if you split up and your DHs next wife refused to include your kids in family stuff coz they were too annoying or the wrong age etc? I’m pretty sure you would be upset and livid.

I guess the way I see it is I'm not stopping DH from doing anything with them, I've said already I wouldn't mind at all if he wanted to take them somewhere and I don't go on holiday with DH either precisely so it's not seen as a "family" holiday that DSC aren't included on.

Would I care if my exes new wife didn't go on holiday with my kids? No, why would I? He can still go. I'm not suggesting DH come away with me and our DC but leave DSC. He could go with them himself.

There's been some good suggestions though so I'll speak to him about other options. I would expect him to do the planning and research and booking though!

OP posts:
Moodycow78 · 30/06/2022 07:57

Gosh what a wanker your DH is, having the cheek to want to go on holiday with his wife and kids. I bet you wouldn't mind if he just wanted to take you and your DC. I had a SM like you, dad divorced her.

Original poster
GrumpyGert · 30/06/2022 07:58

Moodycow78 · 30/06/2022 07:57

Gosh what a wanker your DH is, having the cheek to want to go on holiday with his wife and kids. I bet you wouldn't mind if he just wanted to take you and your DC. I had a SM like you, dad divorced her.

Woah woah I never ever suggested DH was a wanker or even wrong. I asked if I was unreasonable, not him. Wind your neck in.

OP posts:
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