To really not want to go on a family holiday?

[GrumpyGert]

DH has been going on for a while now about wanting to go on a family holiday with me, our DC and his older DC from a previous relationship.

We have holidayed in the UK before together when they were younger although nothing since ours were born due to the pandemic and finances.

He has never taken his older kids abroad and really wants us to save up and go. I've been away twice with our joint DC with family one time and a friend and her DC another. This was outside of the school holidays so cheap and cheerful.

Basically I just really don't want to go on a big all together holiday during summer hols. I feel like it would be awful, crowded, expensive, DSC often fall out and DH can be a bit Disney with them too so imagine the whole thing would be solely doing whatever DSC wanted.

Is there any way of saying this to him where I don't sound awful? Or do I just need to suck it up and do it. If he were to pay because it's something he really wants I'd maybe consider it but the thought of me also having to spend a sickening amount saving up myself to go on a holiday I don't even want to go on makes me feel very meh.

YABU - you should want to go. Suck it up.

YANBU - it's fine for you to not want to do this / not save up for it.

I think you should suck it up, they are all his kids and I can understand why he would want all his children together on a family holiday , on practical terms it will also be cheaper and easier for annual leave purposes to have one family holiday rather than two holidays- one with each set of kids. So I think you need to support this but try and steer towards the kind of holiday where kids have lots to do, there is enough space for everyone, journey isn't too long and limit it to a week.
Siblings do argue and wind each other up , family holidays are rarely completely relaxing but I still think its worth going to make memories as my dc have fond memories of holidays where I think God that was exhausting!

Actually holidaying with two bickering kids, and two toddlers and a husband that is Disney through and through sounds like my idea of hell.

I'm totally with you OP. Esp having to fund half of it. Nope. Not a chance.

If he were to pay because it's something he really wants I'd maybe consider it but the thought of me also having to spend a sickening amount saving up myself to go on a holiday I don't even want to go on makes me feel very meh.

This is possibly why he wants you to come, he knows he can get you to pay half.

This sounds like a holiday for him and his older dc, not you and your dc.

I would tell him that he should take his kids. It will be interesting to see if he actually goes without you funding half.

i see your perspective - it doesn’t sound like my cup of tea either. But you got married which to me implies wanting to be family.

The main thing that makes a difference re the stepmum/step kids issue IMO is the fact that you have to go in the school holidays - if they were your own kids you'd just accept that and not resent it. So that's the thing I think you need to ignore when discussing it.

Hmmm, is there an option to compromise and go on weekend away with all the children? This way it won't be that long and expensive and yet you still have some time together.

You married a man with older existing children & went on to to have more children with him. You are a family now & I think he's caught between a rock & a hard place because he wants to & it's important that he does- treat all HIS children equally & creates a bond/ relationship with them

These threads appear with such depressing regularity- why marry & have kids with someone who already has lots if you're not willing to make that situation work for the existing kids?

You should go on the holiday

Smileypiupiu - I think you're slightly missing the point, it's not whether or not one generally takes holidays or not, it's choosing a life with someone who has kids and not wanting to do regular family activities with them

I can see your point of view, but I also think that the issues you're describing with your kids and stepkids are the same issues most non-blended families face when going on a family holiday. I guess it really depends on your relationship with your DSC and whether you see them as part of your family or not (no judgement on that - it's different for everyone and depends on the dynamic, ages, relationships, etc).

Yep - thank you!

In your position I would compromise with a long (cheap) weekend away and see how it goes. Dh pays. If it’s a great success you can consider a longer holiday next year. Saying no altogether makes you look unreasonable not to give it a shot, your dc may really enjoy it. I also understand your reservations about the cost and reality of family holidays.

Exactly this.

To be clear I wouldn’t be paying! If he wants a big family holiday, he pays for it. It is very U of dh to expect you to pay. My conditions would be a long weekend only, he pays and he arranges it.

iwant I am not sure why you are expecting op to pay for it. One thing to go along and make the best I’d it, quite another bank rolling it.

If he is willing to fund it then maybe be willing to give it a go as if it doesn't work out at least you haven't forked out for it. There is no way on earth I would be paying half for a holiday I didn't want.

Another issue for me would be the discrepancy in the way he treats his children. He goes all out and ‘Disney’ for the older two, but not for the small ones. Fathers like that seem to think that the little ones have it all and should bask in the fact that they have his mere largely disinterested presence for much of the time, while he lavished enthusiasm and money on the other ones.

But kids see things. They notice that difference.

Dh is really taking the piss expecting you to pay op, for his holiday. He needs to pay. You are not obliged with or without sc to pay for holidays you don’t enjoy!

Also him wanting a holiday is not unreasonable, him expecting you to come along when you don’t want to, look after the shared children on your own while he does different activities for the older ones, probably do the majority of the grunt work in the villa, and pay half for the privilege….nope.

Probably not a popular opinon but I think when you have young children you never really have a holiday unless they're exceptionally easy-going, so there's no point in even thinking of it as a break. Going on a trip like that is for them to (hopefully) have fun and have some nice memories.

So I'd be thinking of it not in terms of 'will it be stress-free' but instead 'how many more years will we get to all do this together'. Maybe that's a martyr mentality, but kids don't stop being kids just because you're abroad.

Of course he would like a holiday with all his children together. You would probably prefer one with just your own family unit. It can be difficult when there is a big age gap between first family and second but, to be fair, if you had children from a previous relationship you would probably want them coming on family holidays. Could you say ok we'll do it this way next holiday but one after that it's just us? That way you've laid your cards on the table in an understandable manner. If you go in the May half term for a week in the Canaries you will get lovely weather and it keeps the holiday to a week. The next holiday won't be in school holidays so perfect reason for you to go without the stepchildren on this occasion. I do think steps should be included some, though not necessarily all of the time, even if they get holidays with their mum. That is not holiday time with their dad. I would go AI in a place where there are plenty of activities for all the kids even if that isn't usually your style. You can relax around the pool with the kids off doing things some of the time. Of course it's more expensive having steps along. Many step dad's of their partners children have their steps living with them all the time and there is no question that they go on almost all of the holidays, whoever pays for them Try to compromise and have a great holiday just you, DH and your joint children later 💐

To be honest, I'm sure your DH's kids would like to go away with just their dad, be nice for them to have some quality time with him. I totally get why he would want to holiday with all his children and in an ideal world it would be great but...........

If you all do go though I don't see why you should have to fork out for his kids, just pay for half yours and your childs and let him pay for the rest. Seems the fairest way to do things.

A week all inclusive with kids club/teens club with your husband paying the lions share would be fair. I wouldn’t do a Villa as it will be hard work. It’s quite refreshing to hear a father wanted to include his children from previous relationship tbh.

What an appropriate user name you have 🙄

You do seem have quite a detached attitutde to your step children. It's all very well saying they can do whatever they want and you don't care but the reality is that when you married their father you married into their lives too.

Yes, the who pays for what is debatable but don't be surprised if he says 'what did you expect with this setup? This is what being a step-parent looks like.'

He wants to do something that normal families do. Can’t see anything wrong with that.

Do not do the villa with the pool though. The older DC will want to jump in and do bombs etc and you will be in the pool with your toddlers getting splashed. There have been sone great threads on here lately about good family destinations.

Netherlands and Austria were mentioned as more unusual destinations with lots of great things for families to do. I’d want somewhere where the older DC can go off and do something with your DH from time to time and then you can all go to the beach or a pool complex together.