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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to ask for this money back?!

144 replies

TeddyisMydog · 29/06/2022 19:11

My daughters' nursery was doing a sponsored walk to raise money. I have two dds in the nursery so was x2 the sponsorship.
My daughters start at a different time than other children (been like this since they started)
I've only just found out the sponsored walk happened before my dds got there! We managed to raise about 75 pound between the two, money that I struggled to put towards it as we are skint
I'm going to phone the nursery tomorrow but would I look like an asshole to ask for this money back?

OP posts:
GoodThinkingMax · 29/06/2022 21:25

It’s a donation. The “walk” bit of it is a pretext. Of course you can’t ask for it back.

But don’t donate if you’re having difficulties providing the basics. That’s going over and above !

Beees · 29/06/2022 21:25

*I have told one family member so far that they didn't do the walk and they've encouraged me to ask for my money back and they've said if I get it back they'd like it to go back to them
Other family members will definitely be the same. *

By this logic of you're kids had been there and refused to do the walk they would still want the money back as they didn't take part. Surely everyone donated to this knowing it was a donation to the nursery not a sponsorship for completing a walk.

Yes the communication of the nursery could have been better but honestly if your children are the only ones to not come at the same time as all the others then it's understandable that they wouldn't think to give a time as everyone else is already there.

GoodThinkingMax · 29/06/2022 21:27

annoyed that I have lost a chunk of money that I do need

But that’s on you! You’re an adult and presumably capable of making good judgements on behalf of your family.

My sympathies to you if you’re struggling, but we all need to cut our coat according to our cloth …

Talipesmum · 29/06/2022 21:32

I kind of disagree with most of the responses. The kids were sponsored to do a walk, and the nursery held it when they weren’t there. And the money has gone directly to the nursery. That’s what makes it feel a bit underhand. They didn’t say “we’re running a fun event which you won’t be able to attend, please send in your donations”.

I’d be really cross and would think the nursery had conned me out of the money while getting my kids to anticipate a fun event that they held without them. And they didn’t let you know or apologise. TBH I’d think “buy your own £75 of pritt sticks and poster paint” - it messes with your good will.

But also echoing others to suggest keeping any donations way down for the next few times.

EarringsandLipstick · 29/06/2022 21:33

getting my kids to anticipate a fun event that they held without them

I'd be amazed if the kids cared about the walk, seeing as they don't even like walking.

AllyCatTown · 29/06/2022 21:39

It’s unfortunate you weren’t told of the time although wasn’t it on the sponsorship form etc? However it’s not like they were going on a trip to the zoo and you paid for the entrance fee for that but your children couldn’t go. For the money donated you’re not paying for the activity. It’s just a donation. You sound like you regret giving so much but that’s more on you than them.

AllyCatTown · 29/06/2022 21:42

Also the nursery staff have lots on their mind and lots to do so it’s likely they didn’t withhold the info on purpose. They might have assumed you knew when it was and that it’d taken place. I’ve given money to fundraisers which have already taken place.

MenopausalMe · 29/06/2022 21:46

If I was you I would write a letter saying that the sponsorship money was given conditional on your dds doing the activity, as they haven’t done the event they were being sponsored for the sponsorship money is being returned to the sponsors and tell them how the money should be returned and give them a deadline.

Charities obtaining money under false pretences should not be encouraged.

If the nursery is a business, taking the money when your dds hadn’t taken part is verging on fraud

EarringsandLipstick · 29/06/2022 21:46

MenopausalMe · 29/06/2022 21:46

If I was you I would write a letter saying that the sponsorship money was given conditional on your dds doing the activity, as they haven’t done the event they were being sponsored for the sponsorship money is being returned to the sponsors and tell them how the money should be returned and give them a deadline.

Charities obtaining money under false pretences should not be encouraged.

If the nursery is a business, taking the money when your dds hadn’t taken part is verging on fraud

Barking.

Wellthatsjustswell · 29/06/2022 21:49

One of my family members took a few days to scrape together five pounds. It doesn't sit right with me that I now know my children didn't even take part

if your family members are skint then shame on you for putting them in the position of mentioning the event and making them feel they should sponsor your children.

my DM was always skint, I used to put a few ££’s in and add her name to the sponsor list, I would never have made her feel she had to pay sponsor money she couldn’t afford.

Hotpinkangel19 · 29/06/2022 21:50

Wellthatsjustswell · 29/06/2022 21:49

One of my family members took a few days to scrape together five pounds. It doesn't sit right with me that I now know my children didn't even take part

if your family members are skint then shame on you for putting them in the position of mentioning the event and making them feel they should sponsor your children.

my DM was always skint, I used to put a few ££’s in and add her name to the sponsor list, I would never have made her feel she had to pay sponsor money she couldn’t afford.

This. This is the worst part about the whole thing.

mummyh2016 · 29/06/2022 21:51

It's very strange how you have all of these people in real life agreeing with you yet out of 110 posts on this thread there are maybe 3-5 agreeing with you?
YABU. Shame on you even asking family to sponsor knowing what their financial situation is.

ELM8 · 29/06/2022 21:58

It the kids had done the walk the sponsors would still be out of pocket if that's what you're saying they are now.

It's like when people were saying "I can't afford to lose the money" if holidays / flights were cancelled in the pandemic or whenever and obviously it's hugely disappointing but it's not like you spent food / rent money on it - you paid the money and never expected to see it again.

It's inconvenient and disappointing yes, but there's no way you can ask for it back.

Mariposista · 29/06/2022 22:25

That is a real shame for the kids. I would find out how far they were meant to walk, and do the distance together as a family. That way they have still 'done it'. The money is already saved and budgeted for.

Confusion101 · 29/06/2022 22:26

Mariposista · 29/06/2022 22:25

That is a real shame for the kids. I would find out how far they were meant to walk, and do the distance together as a family. That way they have still 'done it'. The money is already saved and budgeted for.

This has been suggested so many times but OP seems to be ignoring it and just focusing on the responses of "her family members" who are seemingly telling her she's right

Lacey247 · 29/06/2022 22:33

Please don’t ask for the money back. Im mortified at the thought. I wouldn’t have even asked family to sponsor an activity such as my nursery aged child doing a walk. I’d have simply put £5 of my money in and that would be all.

FOTB · 29/06/2022 22:34

I think it's off to take money from people for a sponsored activity and not do it.

However, it was a mile-long toddle in wellies. Can't you just go out with them this weekend and organise your own replacement activity? Invite some of the family who donated to cheer them on.

And I think it was a bit weird to plan to send your kids on a sponsored walk without knowing what time it was supposed to take place. If all the afternoon kids missed out, then surely there are other parents in the same position? Can't your kids all waddle together on a playdate this weekend? You could turn this around from a disaster into a fun, more intimate activity!

Re your family, if a £5 involved saving up, you shouldn't have asked them to participate. People should only donate if it's not going to cause hardship.

landantan · 29/06/2022 22:43

Re your family, if a £5 involved saving up, you shouldn't have asked them to participate. People should only donate if it's not going to cause hardship.

This - there would be no debate to have otherwise.

Agree with other posters, feel welcome to complain / let your feelings known to the nursery - you never know, they may be planning another session for other children that come later? Also, if you're that bothered by the mile then just go ahead and do it anyway.

Thatboymum · 29/06/2022 22:48

Presuming the money is still to go towards the benefit of your children being at nursery I think you’d be super unreasonable you can’t give to any donations and then ask for it back you’d look really awful

CrikeyAlmightyOk · 29/06/2022 22:59

I'm wondering why you and your family donated so much when it clearly sounds like it was a struggle.
The fact you've said part of it was your child benefit money. You didn't need to donate so much surely? Did they say they wanted that much?
You should really only donate what you feel completely comfortable with. Not to put yourself out of pocket.

Regina70 · 30/06/2022 11:03

I would raise it - the kids must have been disappointed and the family who gave money to sponsor the event also were disappointed. The nursery needs to improve their communication so it does not happen again (and you might not be the only one) so feedback is important but I would let them keep the money as it goes towards the nursery so ultimately the children. I would make it clear that the contribution to the next fundraising will be a symbolic £1 though.

EarringsandLipstick · 30/06/2022 11:36

Regina70 · 30/06/2022 11:03

I would raise it - the kids must have been disappointed and the family who gave money to sponsor the event also were disappointed. The nursery needs to improve their communication so it does not happen again (and you might not be the only one) so feedback is important but I would let them keep the money as it goes towards the nursery so ultimately the children. I would make it clear that the contribution to the next fundraising will be a symbolic £1 though.

Why is your UN coming up in MN blue Regina?

steviewiththecankles · 30/06/2022 11:57

I think you’re right. The nursery should have given the time along with the date to make sure anyone who wasn’t usually there at that time could attend. I would ask for the money back and return it to all the sponsors. It would really annoy me.

Lovebeingamummy2 · 30/06/2022 20:13

@TeddyisMydog did you end up asking/getting your money back in the end

scoopoftheday · 30/06/2022 21:30

@TeddyisMydog are you absolutely sure that there wasn't a walk per session? Have you asked the girls if the did their walk?

When mine were at playgroup there would have been a walk per session.

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