Having another child when your first has ASD?

[Prol]

Hello everyone.

My son, who is 7, has recently been diagnosed with ASD (autism), although we were told by the psychologist that he would have been diagnosed as 'aspergers' previously. He only got the diagnosis as I pursued it privately, school didn't even think it was necessary and said he doesn't really need any extra support there, he won't be eligible for an EHCP or funding or anything like that. I write this because DS doesn't struggle with the majority of the classic autism symptoms and many people (friends and family) describe him as an easier child than most his age. His main difficulties are in social communication; for instance, understanding when someone is finding him boring, or annoying, or interacting with his peers. He has no associated learning difficulties, in fact he is incredibly clever and well above average for his age. He is very independent - makes his own breakfast, lunch, washes himself, organises his homework.

My partner, who is not DS's dad, things he is just 'eccentric' and a bit 'geeky', and really doesn't think he needs the label all that much. He's a firm believer in taking everyone as an individual and just thinks DS is his 'own person' and should be treated as such. He is very much in favour of us having a child of our own. I am a little unsure as I am quite concerned about us having a child with severe ASD - I don't think I could cope. Has anyone had a child with ASD - then gone on to have another (or with a different dad). How did things turn out for you?

Lots of people go on and have more children. Having a diagnoses helps you and the child recognise they are different and they need XYZ in place to help them get through whatever it is they are finding frustrating/hard etc It doesn’t define who they are as a person.

To them this is there normal - my normal is my anxiety and its always there just like my green eyes. But because I know it’s anxiety I have things in place to help me, medication and coping strategies.

My 10yo is being referred. She is also very bright so more aspergers. But doesnt get dressed brush teeth or sort homework. In fact resists all these things. She has sensory issues though.
So yes shes many times harder than an average child. Only has one friend etc.
So no i wouldnt have another. In fact i have a dc2 age 7. Dc2 didnt sleep for 10h till 3.5yo. Is very emotional, they argue a lot.

This thread may not go well but for what it's worth I would never have chosen to have another child had I known. DS wasn't diagnosed until after DD was born, and me a few years after that.

It's all good and well saying how he copes now but he has a lifetime to get through so don't base any choice based on how your DS gets through the day. He is still autistic, to get the diagnosis he must have met criteria involving deficits - these deficits will always be present, irrespective of traits.

I wouldn't choose a life of disability for over my desire to have a child.

I was pregnant with my third when we realise our middle child was slightly different (they’re close in age) Middle child has autism and adhd. Youngest has the same diagnosis but much more severe. Non verbal, also has a learning difficulty. After the youngest we decide against having a 4th.

both my kids have ASD, the oldest is more severe, the younger one is much easier. They are very different characters and don’t have the same issues and behaviours.

to be honest, I don’t know many families that have one autistic child and the rest are neurotypical. From my experience siblings are usually neurodiverse too but more often than not, are also very different from each other ie more or less severe and having different interests and behaviours.

It’s impossible to predict how severely another child would be affected - and of course they might be completely neurotypical. But if you’re worried about it, I’d honestly say don’t do it. My eldest is a wonderful child but he is bloody hard work and I’m terrified about what his future may hold.

My eldest has asd, my youngest doesn't, same dad. I was heavily pregnant with dd2 when we started the diagnosis pathway at 2. I would have had a bigger gap if I had known but it was otherwise fine in retrospect. Dd2 (they are now adults) has helped a lot from around 15, even offering to move with dd1 to university to live with her as at that age she couldn't live independently (actually she waited, went to university locally then did another course living away in her 20's when she had gained more independence skills)

If you don't mind me asking - has anyone had another child with a different dad? I'm wondering how much / little that would make a difference... for what it's worth, I definitely think DS's dad is undiagnosed autistic (aspergers).

My second child is Autistic. I'd 100% have another if I was able. Acknowledge though that I'm in a privileged position of being able to financially, emotionally and practically support a child with high support needs though. If I wasn't, perhaps I'd think differently.

First of a lot of people don't know when they have a second dc, I had dc2 before we understood what dc1's issues were, secondly your younger one would have different genetics, but then you are older which some people think is a risk factor.

But thirdly, nobody really can say with any certainty - it's whether you want to take the risk - nobody really understands the risks well yet.

I have 4 children with the same man 2 oldest asd 2 youngest NT so 🤷‍♀️

Sorry - I am only 28. Age is probably important here too!

My youngest son has severe non verbal autism, he's my second child we were only planning on having two children, my oldest son is neuro typical ,my youngest son is incredibly hard work he's a very much loved child but I only have the energy for one child with his needs .

I know mother's, who had a child or children, who have ASD, with one father, then had a child with another man, did not have a further child with ASD. Are there other people with, or who you suspect have ASD in your own family, or in new partner's family? Is it worth asking the advice of the service who diagnosed your son? No one can give you any guarantees unfortunately. Your partner and son both sound great. Keep a close eye on what situations your son struggles with at school, just because he doesn't need an EHCP now, doesn't mean he might not benefit from some reasonable adjustments in some circumstances in the future, in exams or anxiety provoking situations , it's not all about academic ability, and schools miss this sometimes.

My eldest DS is 20 & has Aspergers, my youngest DS is 8 & is neuro typical. The reason behind the large gap is that I couldn't of coped with another child. DS1 was bloody hard work & didn't slept through the night until he was 11. When he turned 12 things calmed down & DS2 was born. Maybe it's a case of chilled out 2nd baby, but nothing phases me this time round. I'm immensely proud of DS1 who's now at uni.

My dsis has 3 dc with 2 dads, 2 of her kids have ASD dx, the younger one has ASD and ADHD, and I believe the other boy does but then in my family and given our situation re dc I can see certainly some genes came from my side, and some from dh's, so my DSIS has v likely picked two exes with similar traits too.

Sorry not much help!

My oldest has ASD. His younger brother doesn't (though we suspect ADHD). I honestly wouldn't have considered ASD a reason to hesitate. My autistic child has been no more difficult to bring up than his brother - they've both had their issues, they've both turned my hair white at various times, and they're both an endless source of laughter, frustration and pure unadulterated joy.

I find it bizarre that anyone would consider not having a child in case it had ASD. I'm not being judgemental, your choices are your own to make - but I don't get it. That may be because I also have ASD, of course, and don't regard it as some catastrophe.

I really don't know what I would do in your situation; I'm still thinking about whether I want children or not. My older brother (8 years older than me) is autistic and I believe I am autistic too (though undiagnosed as of yet). Autism wasn't as well known about when we were younger and because we were both intelligent we were never diagnosed as children, despite our social difficulties, amongst other things. My brother has a PHD and is doing incredibly well; knowing he is autistic has helped him massively. I have a first class degree and am managing relatively well, though have my difficulties like any other person. There's no guarantees and I'm concerned about my own future children and how they will be impacted by autism as it's likely I'll pass it on via my genes, so I understand your concerns. I think anyone, regardless of whether they are autistic, have an autistic child or otherwise must consider if they are prepared to raise a disabled child. Children can become disabled at any time (as can adults of course). I think we all have the responsibility to decide whether we are willing to commit to doing whatever it takes to raise a child if we choose to. My dads friends' daughter was involved in a car crash in her late teens and was paralysed from the neck down and will need 24/7 care for the rest of her life. It really made us all think about how quickly things can change.

I have two children. DS1 9YO was diagnosed with autism earlier this year. He is very similar to how you described your DC. He is doing well at school. He struggles with social interactions and anxiety towards certain situations.

We had absolutely no indication DS1 was autistic at 18m old when I fell pregnant.

DS2 7YO has not been diagnosed. DS2 does have some similar traits to his brother but less extreme. He is quite shy, he had delays with his speech as a toddler and has a stutter on and off since 3. They both get along well together and generally seem happy day to day. I believe that my children are more than capable of going onto live happy and fulfilled lives.

No one else in my family has been diagnosed with autism. But I believe that my mum, siblings and I are all very similar to DS1 and possibly autistic. I would bet my house on my mum being autistic. Ritualistic behaviours, inability to cope with change, frequent outbursts when stressed and unable to get her own way. She raised four kids. Myself and my 3 siblings have all gone to university, gone onto have good careers and two of us have gone onto get married and have children.

You cannot guarantee your next child won't be autistic. You cannot guarantee that your next child won't be affected differently by autism than your current child. You also cannot guarantee that your next child won't have some other unrelated condition.

It's a spectrum though I adore my child with autism ,and wouldn't be without him but it's very much a disability for him he's non verbal and needs full 1;1 care ,I simply wouldn't have the energy to cope with another child with similar needs

This is relevant OP, as it seems that autism can run in families. If you don't think there is autism in your family and that your DS probably inherited it from his dad, that's information that you should take into account when deciding whether to try for another DC with your new DP (assuming he doesn't have autistic traits).

The way you describe him, he sounds like he has some additional needs, but seems like he potentially copes well with day to day life which is great. But then at the end you said he has "severe asd" what you described doesn't sound severe at all.
My daughter has been referred and we are still waiting for an appointment, she sounds very much like your son. We are currently pregnant with our second and yes i am very nervous about it, but I really felt like I wanted a second to complete our family.
It is a decision that only you and your oh can make and how you feel you would cope with a new baby. Good luck x

I'm uncomfortable with the way the "spectrum" idea is so often used to marginalise non-speaking autistic people. It happens so often and it's happening on this thread as well. If you dare to suggest that autism might not be a great terrible tragedy to be avoided at all costs, it's immediately batted back with "yes but mine isn't one of the normal, Aspie, mainstream ones, mine is non-verbal"

Maybe if we didn't frame autism in these damaging and bigoted terms, we would fear it less? All children require care, all children throw up problems and scare the shit out of you and exhaust you at times. Autistic children aren't a different dimension of difficult, they don't need to be screened out.

youngest DC has ASD we decided not to have anymore.

There can be influences other than genetic and while pregnant with our youngest I spent a lot of time investigating studies linked to ASD as pondered this same question . Look into omega 3 for example and I think vitamin D deficiency can have an influence; as does not enough folate but conversely very high dose folate and b12 May possibly increase likelihood of ASD too , the latter only according to a tiny study .

Gestational diabetes may increase risk of a child having ASD, as perhaps does high blood pressure and polycystic ovaries. Worth researching all this if interested as I haven’t had time to look deeper into these things but I felt strongly and not because a child with ASD in any less perfect but because I’ve seen first hand how in some cases life can feel quite a bit harder for them.

I could have written your post, OP, or at least the part that describes your son. My (nearly) 7 year old is just the same. The school have also said he doesn't need support at school, and although he has traits, they don't think persuing a diagnosis would be particularly beneficial.

Anyway, I have 4 children, and the other 3 children are all neuro-typical. Just my anecdotal contribution!