Having another child when your first has ASD?

[Prol]

Hello everyone.

My son, who is 7, has recently been diagnosed with ASD (autism), although we were told by the psychologist that he would have been diagnosed as 'aspergers' previously. He only got the diagnosis as I pursued it privately, school didn't even think it was necessary and said he doesn't really need any extra support there, he won't be eligible for an EHCP or funding or anything like that. I write this because DS doesn't struggle with the majority of the classic autism symptoms and many people (friends and family) describe him as an easier child than most his age. His main difficulties are in social communication; for instance, understanding when someone is finding him boring, or annoying, or interacting with his peers. He has no associated learning difficulties, in fact he is incredibly clever and well above average for his age. He is very independent - makes his own breakfast, lunch, washes himself, organises his homework.

My partner, who is not DS's dad, things he is just 'eccentric' and a bit 'geeky', and really doesn't think he needs the label all that much. He's a firm believer in taking everyone as an individual and just thinks DS is his 'own person' and should be treated as such. He is very much in favour of us having a child of our own. I am a little unsure as I am quite concerned about us having a child with severe ASD - I don't think I could cope. Has anyone had a child with ASD - then gone on to have another (or with a different dad). How did things turn out for you?

And equally, no, of course my parents didn't know all this. They see what they want, hey

I just want to give you a big hug. Thank you!

I'll bow out now, I don't want to derail with my own issues, but feeling heard is very lovely

And again it's turned to a discussion about how the autistic person affects others, rather then the key factor, which is how the autistic person is affected.

If you (general you, not specific) make a choice on having a potentially autistic child based on how it will affect parents and siblings you definitely should not be having another child. The most important factor that needs to be considered here is the actual child. Should parents choose to possibly bring a child into the world who will suffer their whole life? No. It's a hard no from me.

I realise that other people won't agree but at the very least when making the choice, please don't consider others above the actual child.

My ds has moderate to severe asd. He is an awesome human being who copes amazing in an unforgiving world. I was 37 when he was born and the first few years were hard so would not have considered another. But my thought would be on my child. How would ur ds manage with the change? The disruption? Sharing attention? If you think he would be ok I'd go for it. You never know what's going to happen in life and your child would be a blessing to you.

Ffs an autistic life isn't a whole life of suffering.

And my father and sister are autistic and I have sole care of an autistic cousin whose parents died when she was a teen. Yes they need care more than NTs their age (who haven't fallen into alcohol or drugs abuse, become sick or disabled in some way, as literally anyone can, but for the grace of God) but the totality of their life impact on me is not as a burden!

The ableism on this site rocks me to my core. Just as prancer says she doesn't feel heard - and I don't doubt her experiences - she also needs to acknowledge that her experience is not universal and that for many of us, living a life with disability in the family is in many ways enriching. And where the frustration and upset arises, it is rarely because of the person themselves, but the clunking and inadequate care and support systems around them.

@holidayelbow In a lot of ways, he is. 20 years ago he just would have been the 'intelligent, quirky, geeky kid'. Most people are really surprised when they find out he has ASD, but most people don't know the subtle signs. He holds eye contact well, speaks fluently, academically ahead, can take turns in conversation and games etc. He is very independent. He can be trusted to be left alone and sort himself out (for example, if I have a work phone call in the other room for an hour or so).

Where he struggles is with the nuisances of conversation - for instance, he will happily answer questions you ask, but rarely asks you questions back. He doesn't read the room very well, and can recognise obvious emotions, but struggles with subtleties. He can get anxious and upset over 'small' things, but he is very quick to calm and get over it. He's very energetic and hyper at times! Nothing that feels overwhelming, or over and above what I would think most 7 year olds are probably like...

I think he would respond to a sibling fine. He loves other children, babies, company. He's also happy to take himself off to his room to play independently, or go on his iPad or watch TV. He doesn't have: any rigidity of routine, repetitive behaviours, obsessions, disruption, issues sharing my attention or sensory issues that would be triggered by a baby crying, for example. The criteria he had for autism diagnosis was his social communication difficulties, and his sensory seeking behaviours (e.g. being hyper).

I agree with your partner then, he doesn't need the label. It sounds like it is very mild. My son could be diagnosed based on what you have said. I am not sure a diagnosis and labelled as disabled when someone is presenting like a typical 7 yr old is that helpful.

And I think I would also be very wary of a diagnosis based on that evidence.

I am not wishing to offend or anything either. My 35 Yr old sister can't wipe her own bottom but is equally quite high functioning in other aspects of her life.

Ffs an autistic life isn't a whole life of suffering.

And my father and sister are autistic and I have sole care of an autistic cousin whose parents died when she was a teen.

I'm assuming from you language that she is no longer a teen. So an adult woman that you have sole care of - isn't suffering? An adult woman who is living life with a carer isn't living life as she should be able to. Don't pretend that isn't suffering.

Yes - but the point is, it is a position of eugenics to decide that autistic lives are not worth living and that if you have an autistic child they will inevitably be a burden on you, live a life of suffering, and destroy their siblings lives and that therefore no one with an autistic child should dare have another child.

I also have opinions thoughts and feeling about MY autistic sibling, and they don't match yours in any way, thank God.

Your embittered view may very well be justified, I don't know as luckily I don't know you. However it also is NOT the universal experience of those with disabled siblings.

@oldageprancer my heart goes out to you. I am in my late fifties and I was told from as long as I could remember by my parents that my job was to look after my brother. At the expense of my own children, grandchildren, marriage.. she thought that my brother should be my priority. Although I fought against this I still complied to a large degree. Only ever worked part time, so that I could support her in looking after him. Never moved away, rarely had holidays. Had my phone with me all the time and took often over 20 phone calls a day for him. I had no idea how controlled I had been by the situation until mum died.

I found an old will that my father had written when I was 12 years old. It listed their home, assets etc and said 'nokitchen to look after DB for the rest of his life'.... what a request to make of a child.

@holidayelbow I have thought about it, to be honest. I think some of his traits that set him out as different (being hyper) may calm down with age. He doesn't need assistance in everyday tasks or life, just some help in navigating social situations and his emotions. He can do everything independently in terms of his personal care etc. He has a private diagnosis, and I do wonder about it... a lot of his traits could be explained by him being very intelligent. But then he does meet some of the criteria for ASD. I wouldn't describe anything about him as life-limiting at the moment.

Don't dare to presume how my niece feels about her life. Actually she is very happy. She has had hard times in her life as have we all. And I don't have sole care - I didn't write that quite right - I meant I am next of kin and I suppose sort of surrogate mum. I am her sole carer - she has no one else - but I don't have sole full time care of her.

I have aspergers and none of my children have it. There's a lot of things your child could be born with that are worse than autism. Reads more like you don't want another child.

@DrRuthGalloway

You 'didn't write that right'

Come on. You are chatting shit and backtracking to suit.

Don't expect anyone to take you seriously.

And that's ok. It's also ok to choose not to have another in case they are autistic. When you speak of worse things you fail to realise one of those things is autism. Autism isn't the same for all. It's absolutely fine to consider these things.

The higher risk of autism comes from advanced paternal age. So I'd go more on your partners age than anything else. Your son likely inherited his aspergers from either your side or most likely his father's.

No - that bit about lives of suffering was someone else.

You were the one who said that autistic children would be a burden on siblings (and therefore by extension, better not born at all).

Also to clarify I said suffering. I could have said struggle. Or not cope. Or find difficult. The facts are the same. Autistic people find things challenging, hard, tricky. Not ok. Those suggesting otherwise should probably go back and look at the diagnostic criteria instead of focusing and basing their 'knowledge' of others solely on that persons traits.

Oh come off it.

My neice's parents died when she was a teen.
She came to me but is now living in a home bought from her inheritance.

She calls me whenever there is a problem. Just yesterday I helped her with her house insurance as she didn't know rebuild costs or whether to request accidental damages. When her washing machine broke down I arranged a laundry service for her and helped her to contact a repair person. She is like a grown up daughter.

She does not call anyone else but me, I am her sole carer. She does have a support worker 2 hours a week who helps with shopping and cleaning, again paid from for her inheritance.

I am the only person she has to turn to. Her family.

I am not chatting shit. I have been on this site well over 10 years and have a long posting history. It's entirely up to you if you believe me or not.

My eldest has autism and adhd. He is more Asperger’s but does struggle a lot and is far harder work than a neurotypical child of the same age. He has a lot to sensory processing difficulties. My other 2 children are neurotypical. They all have the same dad and ds1 I had when i was 31 the other 2 when I was 36 and 38. Dh was 46 when our youngest as born. I have no idea why only ds1 has asd and adhd and the other 2 kids are neurotypical. We won’t have a 4th as we can’t cope with having another high need child and it’s unfair on the kid we have already.

I'm autistic and would feel pretty hurt if my mum decided not to have another child because of me. She had my brother though and he's neurotypical. I have a 6 year old who's autistic, although higher functioning than I was and it would never put me off having another