Having another child when your first has ASD?

[Prol]

Hello everyone.

My son, who is 7, has recently been diagnosed with ASD (autism), although we were told by the psychologist that he would have been diagnosed as 'aspergers' previously. He only got the diagnosis as I pursued it privately, school didn't even think it was necessary and said he doesn't really need any extra support there, he won't be eligible for an EHCP or funding or anything like that. I write this because DS doesn't struggle with the majority of the classic autism symptoms and many people (friends and family) describe him as an easier child than most his age. His main difficulties are in social communication; for instance, understanding when someone is finding him boring, or annoying, or interacting with his peers. He has no associated learning difficulties, in fact he is incredibly clever and well above average for his age. He is very independent - makes his own breakfast, lunch, washes himself, organises his homework.

My partner, who is not DS's dad, things he is just 'eccentric' and a bit 'geeky', and really doesn't think he needs the label all that much. He's a firm believer in taking everyone as an individual and just thinks DS is his 'own person' and should be treated as such. He is very much in favour of us having a child of our own. I am a little unsure as I am quite concerned about us having a child with severe ASD - I don't think I could cope. Has anyone had a child with ASD - then gone on to have another (or with a different dad). How did things turn out for you?

My DS1 sounds similar to yours - very very clever and high functioning so although his consultant said he will always have ASD traits it doesn’t effect his life enough for a statement although he is on school action plus plan.
we had already had DD as only 19 months between them and when he was 4 we had DS2. Both the younger ones are NT. DS1 was still in nappies until he was 7 and it was hard, DS2 also had severe hearing loss and issues with ear infections so there was always a million medical appointments at one point!

this may sound controversial but I believe if we hadn’t had other children DS1 would be a totally different person. Because he had 2 siblings he couldn’t always have things his way, he had to share, he had to do things/go to places he didn’t want because the other 2 did and because he could see them playing and interacting he learnt from them how to interact and be in the real world. He’s now a teen and copes well at school. if he was an only child by default he would have got his choice of film/food/activity every single time and may have made him less flexible. He’s never going to be social and we still get melt downs at home.

You really can’t tell how it will go. He may sail through and have no more difficulty than he does now, or - high school/puberty might hit like a train and he’ll need all the support he can get.
Your next child may be neurotypical, autistic (with more or fewer difficulties) or have an entirely different struggle. It’s not something that can be predicted really.
When my eldest was diagnosed, I was expecting my third! (Who incidentally is also autistic, but middle is not).

Our first is autistic and second NT. Second was born before we knew.
My second is literally the easiest child. School described him today as “an angel”.

But definitely it makes me pause about having a third. I’m far more aware of the genetic lottery, not just autism but other challenges. I wouldn’t change my child and he definitely brings something beautiful to the world but equally parenting requires ten times more from me than parenting my other child. There is no point dressing it up. Having a child with additional needs is often very hard. I think is gaslighting to pretend otherwise. I have had to reduce my working hours significantly and give up my pre kids profession as it wasn’t flexible enough for all the OT, paediatric etc appointments - as a result we are much poorer. Again, I have no regrets. I love my autistic child and he is often incredibly loving.
I am also so, so, so glad we had our second. Mostly because they absolutely adore each other.
So no advice really, except it’s not an unreasonable thing to consider.

3 dc (now all very mature adults) middle dc was diagnosed in her teens (she had previous misdiagnosed as epilepsy & other things) as pp said most people dc are not diagnosed until after they have subsequent dc. I am glad I had each of mine & love all three. Same dh middle dc with asd was born when I was late 20's. I found out later that one of their cousins had asd too. I would have missed out on having my youngest who is a brilliant & kind person (My other dc are wonderful including the one with asd by the way). Op no one can tell you whether your dc are likely to have issues of any kind I do not regret having any of them

I'm autistic and so is my eldest - my second born isn't, though.
It's such a broad spectrum, mine is still a toddler but the only thing that's delayed is his speech (although he is catching up, just slower than the traditional "milestones"). He is still very smart and doesn't struggle to play with others and make friends, as much as they can at his age!
I was diagnosed later in life, I wish I could have had extra support through education, but I still managed to get postgrad qualifications and make it to exec level. My struggles are almost all social.

My middle child has similar type of ASD. We already had the eldest so had to cope and the youngest doesn't have it. I just see it as part of having three kids and it wouldn't have changed my decision making.

Well to be fair there did used to be the definition of Aspergers. But then some people didn't want to be associated with the questionable research methods used by a doctor under the Nazi regime.

This is silly, my daughter is 11 and needs 24/7 care can’t be left alone has no danger awareness needs help with everything including dressing, toilet, bath etc I don’t know any NT 11 year old that requires help with those things. So now we are not allowed to say other children have more care needs? She has a full time 1:1 all day in school.

Also she can’t be left alone for 5 minutes couldn’t leave her in the house alone to go anywhere she can’t go anywhere alone to school/shop etc, yeh sure all kids require care some a hell of a lot more than others clearly 🙄

I have 4. First has ASD and the other three are NT.
My FIL is very clearly undiagnosed.

My eldest has Aspergers, my younger 2 (different dad) don't. Although I would certainly get a diagnosis if I sought one, so any genetic element has come from me.

Thanks everyone.

DS definitely struggles socially, but has very few of the other traits. His psychologist pointed out that he would expect DS to live a full, independent life - his main concern is co-morbities such as anxiety / depression, because DS is so 'high-functioning' he could begin to recognise his differences.

There is no diagnosed autism in my family. I completely recognise the traits of autism in my DS's dad now that I know about it. I don't see any autism in my current DP. You are all right that you cannot predict things in life. I wouldn't be having these thoughts had DS not got his diagnosis. It's so tricky. DS would love a sibling - he has said as much - I am just not sure if its morally right or fair, to know there is a probable increased risk of autism.

DS also was not developmentally delayed in any way (speech, walking, toilet). The only difference between DS and a NT child was his high intelligence from a very young age.

Hi, bit different but my dad has autism (would be described as Asperger's b4 and how he defines himself) he's one of 5 only one with autism but he's married with 2 children and very clever but has struggled with social cues and literal meaning and the diagnosis really helped him when he was struggling (diagnosed a few years ago) I was born first no autism that I know of but my sister was born with autism and is on the opposite side of the spectrum- so it's very difficult to say what the likelihood is - there is an increased risk but can also be fine

Lots of research available into prevalence of autism among siblings. Odds of baby being autistic higher if the elder sibling is female. Odds lowest if the baby is female and the elder sibling is male.

I have an autistic 7yo and a NT 4yo. They're like chalk and cheese. I love them both so absolute pieces.

And yes I did know my child was autistic when I got pregnant with number two. I knew the odds.

This is totally unfair. Do you have experience of raising a child with complex additional needs? All people are doing is pointing out how hard it can be if your child needs intensive support. That’s not bigoted.

My DS1 sounds similar to yours, then I had an NT DD 2 years later (same dad). Both give me the same amount of joy and grief, just in different ways! I think the fact that your children will have different Dads makes things less risky, given that you think your ex is ND. I would just go for it if I were you.

This thread is depressing.

I have two with ASD.

Both beautiful, deep thinking, passionate, loyal teenagers. I love the world they see through their eyes, it's pure and unspoilt, unbiased, accepting and affirming. An supported, thriving and accepted person with autism is such a revelation. We need so much more.

It's our view of autistic people that needs to change, the way they are supported and accepted, acknowledging the unique contributions to society they can bring.

It's the Neuro typical world that's the problem not the people with autism.

I firmly believe this. So many are looking at autistic people through Neuro typical eyes. You can't. Embrace the differences.

They can't and don't confirm to what society expects. It's society that needs to change to accommodate not the autistic having to mask and feeling stressed trying to conform.

Those with autism who are able to mask, will do. At the expense of their mental health. Those not able to mask will be societies misfits. All autistic, all not accepted and not able to truly show the world their uniqueness.

Yes they are beautifully quirky, deeply connected but often unable to express this verbally. Yes they may have sensory issues, be unable to cope with normal everyday tasks, they may need to stim and tick but so what?

We need more autism, not less.

People who suggest a change in society can be a cure all for autism are the problem.

You compare your bringing up of your children based on how it's been for you. Common mistake, which not only omits the child's experience but also doesn't consider the future of said child.

This. DS2 is autistic. Had he been DS1 he'd have been an only child. He manages pretty well day to day, now in his 30s,but still life is SO much harder for him and always will be

And society isn't the whole problem, convenient though that idea may be. Impairment is still impairment, and frankly that's what's depressing, not admitting it

My son has ASD/PDA. There was only 28 months between him and my daughter. He wasn't diagnosed until he was 10 and his sister was 7.

As soon as my daughter was born his first words were to put her back in. He swings between adoring her and absolutely hating her.

I love both of my kids dearly but if I'd known how hard my daughters life would be, I don't think I would have had her but that is totally based on how hard her life can be, how much she misses out on and the attention I can't give her. They both have the same Dad and my daughter has been refused assessment for ASD but will be undergoing a Qb test in 2 weeks to test for ADHD, which is something else her brother is diagnosed with. It really depends on the needs of the child.

People aren't disordered and they don't have autism they are autistic. Please look up the neurodiversity movement for the sake of not crushing your son's self esteem.

It can be tough, DD was diagnosed aged 7 while DS was been assessed for continued crying aged 1.

Double whammy.

DS's sensory issues were off the chart from birth.

It has lovely moments but it can be isolating, DD is 13 now and has a lot of social anxiety.

DS is 7 he is only in a routine this year but he is rocky he is showing signs of a personality disorder.

I don't regret having them at all.