Having another child when your first has ASD?

[Prol]

Hello everyone.

My son, who is 7, has recently been diagnosed with ASD (autism), although we were told by the psychologist that he would have been diagnosed as 'aspergers' previously. He only got the diagnosis as I pursued it privately, school didn't even think it was necessary and said he doesn't really need any extra support there, he won't be eligible for an EHCP or funding or anything like that. I write this because DS doesn't struggle with the majority of the classic autism symptoms and many people (friends and family) describe him as an easier child than most his age. His main difficulties are in social communication; for instance, understanding when someone is finding him boring, or annoying, or interacting with his peers. He has no associated learning difficulties, in fact he is incredibly clever and well above average for his age. He is very independent - makes his own breakfast, lunch, washes himself, organises his homework.

My partner, who is not DS's dad, things he is just 'eccentric' and a bit 'geeky', and really doesn't think he needs the label all that much. He's a firm believer in taking everyone as an individual and just thinks DS is his 'own person' and should be treated as such. He is very much in favour of us having a child of our own. I am a little unsure as I am quite concerned about us having a child with severe ASD - I don't think I could cope. Has anyone had a child with ASD - then gone on to have another (or with a different dad). How did things turn out for you?

@lolil Of course, it's often times not without struggle, I don't wish to diminish that. There are lots of people with ASD who struggle, there are also people with ASD who manage well. That could be said for lots of people in life, ASD or not.

According to DS's diagnosis, his issues are social communication, and very slight sensory seeking behaviour, which is why he got his diagnosis. He didn't really fit criteria 2 'restricted and repetitive patterns of behaviours, activities or interests' - he has none of these, it was the slight sensory seeking behaviour which got him his diagnosis. His profile from birth was completely what would be expected from a NT child, other than having very high intelligence. What I was highlighting with my post was, autism is such a vast spectrum, DS is a world away from needing 1-1 support, developmentally delayed etc. A lot of people hear 'autism' and assume severity. Hence why, a lot of the young people I work with, reject the term 'autism' as they don't perceive themselves the same at all, they cope mostly on par with their NT peers, and feel it's a stigma for being bullied (which of course is wrong).

@greywinds Yes this is what I am most concerned about, the associated mental health issues. I've already thought about lots of possibilities as DS gets older, particularly years 7, 8 and 9 which can be brutal for all children, and the thought of perhaps home schooling (I am luckily able and in a position to).

I always find it a bit sad that people who have a dx of autism feel the need to reject that they have anything in common with people with autism who are 'really autistic'.

You can feel a common identity and embrace it without claiming your level of disability is the same after al, many many disabilities have a range of impairment.

Transition to high school, the social dynamics get a lot more complex and unmonitored as you go up the school years, school can be relatively structured compared to jobs and universities or apprenticeships.

I'm sure it'll all be fine, we all find our path in the end.

@greywinds I understand what you are saying, it's really sad that there is still stigma around autism and lots of misunderstanding in the general population too.

I can also see it from the perspective of the young people I work with, who's peers view autism as 'Kanner's Classic Autism', and they don't feel they can relate to that at all, so prefer the terms HFA or aspergers or don't want the label at all.

I have a DS 21 autistic traits in most of his Dads family none in mine. I now have 2 more children with a new partner who arent autistic. It's not a given but do you think it could be in your familys Gene's or your ex partner. Its something to consider. My son is HF and although very different to his siblings he does okay. He works PT he drives. He has jo social life in a typical teenager way but he has his own interests and hobbies he pursues.

I just feel a bit strongly about it as I have one of each type, and although they really annoy each other I can really see the similarities especially in triggers. And I feel that it's a self loathing/acceptance thing to be saying oh but I'm not like that and as you say, related to stigma.

Kids that mask need to feel more able to be themselves and accept themselves really.

If you had a severe autistic kid i would vote no. But with your description of your child:i would go for it :)

Why are some pp upset that the potential of having a kid with asd would put them off of having another baby? Isn't that just a very understandable fear. Because of the spectrum of it really. The potential of a severe asd kid is scary. Lets be honest.

I have an autistic friend who regards his autism as a gift. Which is great for him, but his autism is entirely unlike the autism that the children I taught suffered from. And yes, I use the word suffered advisedly, because when you're almost constantly stressed, uable to commmunicate, anxious and self harming, you're suffering.

But he will not accept that autism can ever be a negative thing. So I just don't discuss my work any more.

I appreciate the complexities involved, but I really do with that there were speparte terms for the different levels of autism.

..anyway, OP, sorry for going off at a tangent. If the autism is almost certainly on your ex's side, I would go ahead and plan for another child. I don't see your risk as any greater than anyone else's. And the child you have sounds lovely, and is unlikely to be any burden to a sibling.

Argh. Typos!
"I really do wish that there were separate terms..."

My DS1 sounds like your son - what would be called Asperger's in the past, missing social cues, etc. Diagnosed quite late so we were none the wiser when DS2 came, just thought DS1 could be difficult!
DS2 is neuro-typical and can read people so well. Complete opposite.
They get on very well and I'm glad they have each other.
Same father, no history of ASD in family.

@greywinds I agree regarding masking, but a child / teenager / adult with 'high-functioning' ASD who is not masking, is still quite different to someone who is non-verbal, cannot be left alone, cannot toilet, extreme sensory sensitivities, needs 1-1 care at all times. It's just very tricky.

My first has severe autism and severe learning disabilities and epilepsy. He was diagnosed at 3 years old. I was on the fence about more children and left it 6 years before even thinking about. He was in an intensive home therapy program until 5 so we definitely wouldn’t have been able to before then anyway. My second was born when he was 7 and a surprise 3rd when he was 8. I’ll admit I didn’t enjoy the early months/years at all. I was constantly on edge watching their every move and getting in a right state when either of them were a bit late with anything. They are both NT, the youngest has some mild traits but nothing that affects his life or learning. The only thing I feel guilty about is the younger two have very different lives to their friends.

I agree the level of care is very different which is why the DLA is based on the level of care need no question there. I also can see that parents of children who have high care needs aren't always too keen on being lumped in with kids that refuse parties and extra curricular activities (etc.).

I'm amazed you know adults or children with autism that are HF that don't try and fit in, I don't think I do know any.

It's a tangent to your issue though, I'm sure there will be many revisions in the next 10-20 years on what it's acceptable to say or think about ASC/ASD/Aspergers etc.

*I have two with ASD.

Both beautiful, deep thinking, passionate, loyal teenagers. I love the world they see through their eyes, it's pure and unspoilt, unbiased, accepting and affirming. An supported, thriving and accepted person with autism is such a revelation. We need so much more.

It's our view of autistic people that needs to change, the way they are supported and accepted, acknowledging the unique contributions to society they can bring.

It's the Neuro typical world that's the problem not the people with autism.

I firmly believe this. So many are looking at autistic people through Neuro typical eyes. You can't. Embrace the differences.

They can't and don't confirm to what society expects. It's society that needs to change to accommodate not the autistic having to mask and feeling stressed trying to conform.

Those with autism who are able to mask, will do. At the expense of their mental health. Those not able to mask will be societies misfits. All autistic, all not accepted and not able to truly show the world their uniqueness.

Yes they are beautifully quirky, deeply connected but often unable to express this verbally. Yes they may have sensory issues, be unable to cope with normal everyday tasks, they may need to stim and tick but so what?

We need more autism, not less.*

What magical fairy land do you live in??🙄

"It's society that needs to change to accommodate not the autistic having to mask and feeling stressed trying to conform."

I agree that society needs to change but my son gets distressed and hurts himself because he feels things differently. I don't know what society can do about interoception difficulties.

Both my DC’s have ASD, decided not to have a 3rd because it would likely have ASD though I would be more worried that it wouldn’t have it and would then have to survive in a ASD household.

My dh (now ex) had 3 children before I met him, 2 have been diagnosed with ASD in adulthood and 3 of his grand children also on the spectrum.

Yes there is a higher possibility of a 2nd or 3rd child having ASD if their sibling is on the spectrum.

Really interesting. Thank you. I do wonder how much a different dad would make a difference - I suspect it depends where the ASD is from or dominant. I think, on the balance of probabilities, given our ages (late 20s) and the different genetics, we would probably be okay to have another.

My 14 year old has ASD and misses social cues etc although manages pretty well generally so sounds like your son. My 12 year old is completely neurotypical, "switched on" very academic. I'll be honest my second son is easier to parent, not least now we are in the moody teen years but they both have their own strengths and lovely personalities, and they get on really well together. Incidentally we only got my elder son's diagnosis in secondary school and the school picked it up and got us referred when the primary and junior had just shrugged their shoulders. Those mild differences can become more obvious when their peers suddenly start getting more sophisticated and your child is still not picking up cues and can appear more immature.

I know plenty of families who have one child with severe autism (which your DS doesn't have), but also have a number of neurotypical children.

I can only think of one family who has 3 children, all of whom have significant impairment with autism. The youngest child, a girl, is the worst affected, and is non-verbal. There is an older brother and sister. Both who are in a special school for their autism.

I’m with your partner OP. And also know that whatever children you have you will adapt to their needs and do much more than ‘cope’. Your outlook changes when you have disabled children and this brings as many positives as it does challenges. You can make a wonderful, fulfilling life for you and your family regardless.

However I do also think it is very responsible of you to consider what life could be like if any future children are born with disabilities or neurodivergencies, or who later becomes disabled. IMO everyone should consider this before trying for a baby, because disability is part of life.

(Autistic mother here of an autistic daughter and a son who has no overall diagnosis but who communicates via eye gaze, uses a wheelchair, needs 247 care and has epilepsy).

I think you are a bit naive- particularly from a parent who has a child with ASD. Just because your child is "high functioning" now- don't take it as a given. I have met many and I mean many children who were deemed "high functioning" and not needing any support but once they reached their teenage years, the Autism became very very noticeable, the complex social challenges (that we Neurotypicals take for granted) some are detained under the mental health Act, some have severe anxiety/phobia's and some commit suicide.

On the flip side, I have met the reverse. Children who are deemed "low functioning" in their early years but after receiving intense support in their early years and beyond, in their teens their are considered as mild.

I think you are a bit naive- particularly from a parent who has a child with ASD. Just because your child is "high functioning" now- don't take it as a given. I have met many and I mean many children who were deemed "high functioning" and not needing any support but once they reached their teenage years, the Autism became very very noticeable, the complex social challenges (that we Neurotypicals take for granted) some are detained under the mental health Act, some have severe anxiety/phobia's and some commit suicide.

This is what I was trying to explain before. People always base their answers to things like this on where their child is at now. I'm 40+ and the variations in my life are vast. I used alcohol as a crutch for many years. I was abused by many men. As a child I was quiet and while there was no diagnosis for people like me, if you apply me as a child to the present day I suppose my mum would say I cope well etc. I did cope well, on the outside. Inside I was broken. I'm married (over 20 years) with DC, had my own business and I suppose that looks like a success bit the truth is I have a whole host of mental health issues that accompany that 'success'