Having another child when your first has ASD?

[Prol]

Hello everyone.

My son, who is 7, has recently been diagnosed with ASD (autism), although we were told by the psychologist that he would have been diagnosed as 'aspergers' previously. He only got the diagnosis as I pursued it privately, school didn't even think it was necessary and said he doesn't really need any extra support there, he won't be eligible for an EHCP or funding or anything like that. I write this because DS doesn't struggle with the majority of the classic autism symptoms and many people (friends and family) describe him as an easier child than most his age. His main difficulties are in social communication; for instance, understanding when someone is finding him boring, or annoying, or interacting with his peers. He has no associated learning difficulties, in fact he is incredibly clever and well above average for his age. He is very independent - makes his own breakfast, lunch, washes himself, organises his homework.

My partner, who is not DS's dad, things he is just 'eccentric' and a bit 'geeky', and really doesn't think he needs the label all that much. He's a firm believer in taking everyone as an individual and just thinks DS is his 'own person' and should be treated as such. He is very much in favour of us having a child of our own. I am a little unsure as I am quite concerned about us having a child with severe ASD - I don't think I could cope. Has anyone had a child with ASD - then gone on to have another (or with a different dad). How did things turn out for you?

Hi OP. I'm an HFA mummy with a DC currently in the referral process for HFA. I know that high functioning labels are controversial, but I find them really useful as an autistic person.

Well done on getting a diagnosis for your son, he is so lucky to have you advocating for him. I think it will really come in useful in his teenage/ university years. For me and many other high functioning autistic women I have connected with, it is those teenage years where the peer gap in social and emotional intelligence starts to cause anxiety and mental health issues.

Honestly, in your position, at your age, if you are really certain that the ND comes from the father's side and you want another child I would. But I would look really closely at your own and new partner's families first, as just because there are not any diagnosed, does not mean everyone is NT!

Having a sibling has been a comfort for me at times. As someone who has struggled with maintaining friendships all my life, my sibling has been one of the few ongoing relationships , although we have not always got along!

Yanbu in that it depends how well you can cope with your current situation.

My husband and I both have ADHD and the chances are higher that our DCs will. Our first child is very bright, has some symptoms but manageable. So we have had another. However if they appear to have more severe symptoms we won't have a third. That isn't because we do not want a child with additional needs but because we want to ensure we are able to give full and appropriate attention and assistance to those we already have. I know someone who has children with additional needs who cannot cope yet continued on to have more children then found they can't cope even more than before. It is a shame for the first kids who aren't getting as much focused time as they really need plus there is less in the budget for therapies etc.

The fact is that most scientists agree there is a genetic component. Both my dc are autistic. Both are severely affected but in different ways. I debated a termination when I fell pregnant with dd. I don't regret having her. She is a joy but it has been a massive struggle.

Hello everyone, it’s the OP here.

I just found this thread again and wanted to let everyone know that DP and I did have another baby, she is now one year old and shows no indication of ASD. We’ve had her one year review and she’s completely on track, no concerns. She is incredibly adept socially - in fact a little too good at times when she does or doesn’t want something 😂

My DS is now 9 and doing exceptionally well too. He has settled into a friendship group at school and is really happy. He adores his little sister.

I wanted to post a positive update for anyone who may be facing the same dilemma.

Hi.
Not personal experience but dear friends. Had 2 children with husband. Eldest, her daughter was diagnosed at around 10. Son, then 8, has no issues.

She then went on to have 2 more a girl and a boy very close in age, with her new partner. She was concerned as could see similarities between the girls, but again no apparent issues with her 2nd son. He needed some hospital visits for unrelated health issues and his consultant picked up on possible issues and he is now on pathway.

She says 'well I'm either the common denominator or I pick men with very similar traits!'

@Mama2many73 My DS’s father is definitely autistic, he shares many traits with my son, they are uncannily similar. I definitely think that’s where the ASD ‘comes’ from.